[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[snowblindmods]

it's been so long between the words we spoke
will you be there up on the shore, I hope

[Make sure to note any specific warnings in your subject lines!]

Comments

@harleyquinnxoxo ; video [cw: self-loathing, partner abuse, drug/alc ment.]

[loveismadness]

Do any of ya have a really bad ex?

[the video is blurry, plainly in a different location than harley's last. she's in a deflated bean bag chair, surrounded by books; it looks almost as though she's built a fortress around herself. she's scrubbed off her makeup, though some of it remains on her face; her domino mask has been tossed to the side. her blue eyes are wide, and her knees are pulled to her chest. she hates feeling compelled to share things that are so private, but it's not like the world doesn't know, anyway.]

Not, like, the kind that dumped ya and ya were real broken up about it...the kind that owned ya. Body n' soul. N' no matter what he did, ya would always go back to him, no matter what. Because he pushes that button inside'a ya, the same one that attracts some people ta drugs and booze. My name is Harley, and I'm an addict.

[she chuckles, albeit humorlessly.]

But, yanno, it's not him that I'm scared of. I can handle Puddin', yanno? I've tried ta kill 'im almost as much as he's tried ta kill me. It ain't a one-way street, even if he's the one who always hits first. Maybe it's too psych-student of me ta say, but I think I'm really just scared of myself. Of the fact that I don't super care if he kills me, or how it hurts my other friends n' relationships. I'm pretty dumb, I guess. But it's scary how much I gotta hate myself ta keep shackin' up with the Joker.

@hotstud_xxx; text

[rubikscomplex]

[House can't help himself. He hates what he's typing, but his fingers keep moving and he sends the text.]

i am the bad ex most of the time
i get my best friend's girlfriend murdered in the future
i almost cost him his job more than once
and he still comes back to me

i'm selfish
i'm miserable
i won't stop him

you need someone to keep you the hell away from the joker, kid

[And oh, god why the hell did he write any of that? Why didn't he make it private first, at least? It itches under his skin and tears at House, but he can't help checking for a response.]

@ASolomons; audio

[devoutish]

[Alfie is aware, in a distant way, that he doesn't actually want to be doing this. The thing is, that doesn't actually matter. He wants to talk just as much as he doesn't want to, and it's the wanting that drives him to switch on his tablet.]

I didn't fear death much at home. In the war, yeah, sometimes; that was different. But in my office with another man, both of us with our guns out and pointed in each other's faces - I fucking enjoyed that. But I fear dying slowly here, inside and out. I fear living without hope of ever going home. My home, my neighborhood - I can't properly describe it to the people here, because I believe a good number of you, from what I've heard of your lives, have never truly belonged anywhere like that, and haven't got any comparable experiences to relate it to. And if we do make it home by some fucking miracle, I hope I lose all my memories of this place, because I fear it will taint me forever if I don't. I was saved from the war getting too deep under my skin. I don't know that I'd be so lucky with Norfinbury.

[He pauses to shift around a little, deeply uncomfortable, and then he continues.]

Royce is the closest thing I've got here to a brother here. I truly don't know what I'd do here without him. I've resigned myself to the idea that Watson's gonna lead himself to a bad end. Kesara's dead, that brilliant girl. Marvelous girl. Did more than most of the rest of us put together, she did. House comes back, the Joker comes back, but not her. And Fiona-- I kissed her. Died. Came back, and she was gone.

And Tifa and Emily.

[He almost doesn't say any more than that. He feels like he doesn't need to - their names alone are synonymous with fear and missing right now.]

Yeah. That little girl, she died in my arms. She told me it was all right, because she believed they would come back, and we would go pick them up. But it's been four days, now.

I still hear her voice.

@hotstud_xxx; text (cw: suicidal ideations)

[rubikscomplex]

i don't want to come back
they should

@zd; text (May contain mentions of self sacrifice and death)

[swatsflies]

[ He's not even sure why he wants to share or what this would do. How is anyone going to take what he's about to share? ]

I don't think I'll ever be good enough
I wasn't the easiest kid growing up
probably won't ever make her proud
Hell, people didn't believe I would make SeeD.
I don't even know if I made Seed.
I can't even remember now. It's gone.
I'm afraid of losing more memories.
Afraid of losing him. I still see it in my dreams. That monster wrapping around him and both of them vanishing into the snow
I can't
I don't know how much longer I can keep going
I can't do anything for anyone here

@jwatson; text

[jumpthegun]

[John's turned to the network after getting some of his own baggage off his chest. He thinks he'll be able to handle it, just comfort people and not overshare. And then he gets to this.]

You'll get your memories back, Zell. Whatever else happens, if we get out of here and back, this place won't keep them from you. I've lost memories, too, details. I lose details sometimes, not like people normally do, important details. It's why I write everything down. Notes about what's happened. I'm terrified I'll forget something important, or days will start blurring together like they used to.

[He pulls back after typing all of that and hitting send and mentally berates himself. John follows it up with some more, trying to get back on track.]

You can do something here, though. You're doing something. You and your group were instrumental in getting the keycard downtown, and now you're exploring the industrial area, putting your lives on the line in uncharted territory.

@dickcheese, video; [cw abuse discussion inevitable]

[headjacked]

I feel like there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna drive everyone away. Hell, maybe even Angel one of these days. Then he's all I have left, just like he said. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy, o-or... crap, Iunno, something similar.

[ Full video, folks. This one-armed, one-eyed man is is bad need of a trim. And a bath, and some ice cream, but that's just about everyone in Snowhell, isn't it? ]

Like -- like Fiona, like what happened with her. I'm not - forgiveness is off the table, I've accepted that, I just want her to be alive and happy. I'm afraid that'll never happen for her now.

B-but I still have people here, it's just... eventually, the people I respect -- [ You know who you are. ] - when are they gonna stop giving me chances? I should've struck out a long time ago with a lot of you. I'm scared of how desperate I might get.

[ Rhys pauses to cough into his filthy sleeve. The turquoise fabric has faded considerably. ]

I just want people to like me. And... to stop dying, b-but that - th-that's kind of a given.

@ASolomons; audio

[devoutish]

It wasn't off the table. Not completely.

@dissect, text

[circumsutus]

Fear.

In my world, the Madness of Fear is slowly overwhelming the entire planet. Asura's soul wavelength will eventually drive everything on the planet insane as they attempt to rid themselves of fear and lose their reason in the process.

I'll be the first to go. I've already started to lose myself back home, and here hasn't been any better.

More importantly, when I go I'll take out the people around me. People I've made the mistake of getting close to, people I have grown to care about despite being the sort of person who should never be allowed to care about anyone.

It's frightening.

But I've allowed myself to be controlled by fear for a very long time. It's the absence of fear that really terrifies me. One day, I won't be scared of anything and I'll be free to do whatever I desire. Have you ever considered it? Have you ever considered that you might also be the sort of person who's so terrified of your own desires that you willingly put yourself on a leash?

@betterhalf; text

[darkincrement]

I have considered it.
I don't have the luxury to be terrified of my own desires.
I have to learn to not be afraid of anything.
It's the only way to survive.

@expostfacto; text

[whatjupitercouldnt]

I'm not usually afraid of much. Comes with the territory, I guess. There's always some timeline out there that will have succeeded. And any failure I have will probably help make it happen.

At least, that's how it's been for a while. But what pisses me off about this place is how the rules don't apply. Logic doesn't apply. Every way I'm used to solving problems with and it all feels so useless. I can't even trust my own memories.

I'm not what this place needs. Sigma is. He'd keep trying, even if it was pointless, stupid. He wouldn't give up.

And I don't even know if I'm going to see him again.

[And then, a minute or two later, almost as an afterthought.]

And I really can't say I've looked forward to people teasing me about being a redhead again. It was so stupid the first time.

@hotstud_xxx; text

[rubikscomplex]

i'm gonna call you coppertop from now on
and you need to talk to the birdboy
sounds like you got some things in common

@steverogers; text

[fiteme]

I think I used to be afraid of dying. Everyone always expected me to die at the drop of a hat, and I almost did a handful of times. Everyone was always waiting for me to die. Not that they wanted me to, but they thought it was inevitable. "He's so weak," they said. "He'll never last. He can't make it."

"He's so weak, he can't do anything worthwhile. Won't amount to anything."

At some point I got afraid I'd prove them right. Men only make a difference if they're big and strong. I wanted to show them how wrong they were. That I was just as strong and could make just as much of a difference. There are so many guys who have everything handed to them on a silver platter. Then they use that to spit in the faces of people who don't have it so good. They use their strength to pick on people who can't fight back.

So I started fighting back.

But it's never enough. Yeah, I'm scared I'm not enough to make a difference. That I won't be the right man for the job. That I'll fail. That I won't be able to help people.

I'm really afraid I'm going to lose Bucky. That he'll push me away. Maybe I can't help, but I'm afraid he won't let me try. Or just be there. Be a friend.

I'm afraid of losing my friend.

Re: @steverogers; text

[swatsflies]

I know that feeling.
Being weak and not amounting to anything.
I used to be called a crybaby.

Whoa! Wait
Bucky?
You're his friend?

@featherydouche; text (cw: existentialism, death, Bro stuff relates to abuse if asked about)

[mrcreamsicles]

holy shit i am scared of puppets
you ever been eaten by a puppet because that thing just fuckin rolled right off the roof like it was waiting for me all night
and i cant stop thinking about it
how its godawful puppet mouth just slammed to the earth and
i think it ate me
i passed out as soon as it got its gross noodly puppet limbs on me but i dont know what else happened
karkat dude if youre reading is that what went down
fuck i hope you and meow mix didnt get killed too
kinda wondering if its up there on the roof again now waiting to drop down on me once morning comes
kind of sick of morgues too while im at it
and
uh
of dying
sure fucking hope i dont die again
i mean jesus wasnt three times enough
wasnt once enough
first time was pretty fucking bad
just sitting out there in the snow feeling like youre dying already
because you dont want to die in front of your friend
who i was also convinced was a hallucination from my brain glitching the fuck out during the staticky sprite death throes
like is there an expiration date on this
im a walking paradox right
i shouldnt exist
john died before he could push the slime baby buttons and yet ive been floating around for years
so it kind of felt like paradox space was finally closing the lid on the inevitable there
but then i came back and norfinbury was real
unless its not real
am i real
jesus
can i go back to talking about puppets now
wait a minute why am i saying any of this
is that my loss
can i just not shut my stupid mouth anymore
the puppet thing was bad enough
i dont want to talk about puppets
or dying
except now im feeling like im going to even if i dont want to
puppets just lead into lil cal and lil cal leads into bro
and i keep worrying that maybe people are right about him
and that im not actually sure how i feel about him
what does that mean
i dont want to think about it i dont want to think about any of this stuff
wasnt dying enough
just if im going to keep dying maybe people should keep away from me
i already got clint killed i dont need to drag anyone else down like that
i want to delete this but i cant even get my dumb fingers to do that
fuck
whatever time to pray everybody tl;drs it
though im kind of hoping someone can tell me how long i was dead
hope it wasnt too long
i mean how much time have we got left anyway
i already feel like im not doing enough
like i CANT do enough
even if we get to the end theres no guarantee we can go back and live
because how is time going to take it after weve been here
time just never plays nice with things that mess it up in my experience

@harleyquinnxoxo ; text

[loveismadness]

puppets are pretty freaky, kiddo. i'm real sorry that you're freakin out, it sounds kinda like youre havin a panic attack. maybe hyperfocusing a little

ive known some pretty all right puppets in my time. or. ventriloquist dummies! but ya don't wanna talk about puppets, right.

puppets. or death.

that should be easy

....okay, i got nothin

but i'm gonna try an talk to you i guess because the alternative is going all word vomit crazy like before!!!! hi im harley and im terrified of myself

fuck

i mean, whats yr name, kiddo

@quark; video (cw: talk of suicide and death)

[averytinyparticle]

[Quark's eyes don't reach the camera. He has the tablet resting on his legs, but he seems too busy looking at his hands to face anyone who might respond to him. He doesn't even know why he's talking about all of this. He just...can't seem to stop.]

I think I'm going to die when I get back home, in the Nonary Game. I'm so afraid of that. I don't know where it's better for me to be...I'm not safe in Norfinbury, but I'm not safe there, either. I saw all these visions of the future...and they were so real. It happened months ago, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I try not to, but then I imagine blowing up, and getting sick, and killing myself. Usually with a scalpel. They're different timelines, I guess...I didn't understand that before, but things are different now. Norfinbury's made it all more clear. And I'm pretty sure I'm in one of the bad timelines. Or I'm going to be.

[He takes off his hat and runs his hands through his hair, practically pulling it out.]

I don't trust anyone or anything anymore.

@expostfacto; voice

[whatjupitercouldnt]

Damn.

[Her voice is quiet, and underneath her usual deadpan, there's a hint of laughter, the kind of helpless laughter you do when you really can't do anything else.]

Hadn't realized you'd figured out that much.

@duster, audio

[bywolves]

[ Royce's voice is soft, dull. ]

I'm not afraid of much. I haven't been since I was a child. I can remember waking up after the worst night of my life and I wasn't afraid. I was glad to be alive. I'd survived, and from there, I wasn't afraid. Not until I met her.

But it doesn't matter. She's dead. That was my greatest fear and it came to pass. And there's something new in it's place. If what happened to Gwen happens to Mercy, I won't live long enough to feel the guilt. I'd sooner slit my own throat.

I'm so tired. [ He lets out a slow sigh of breath. ] Tifa and Emily aren't coming back. They were - they were bright spots. I miss them in a way I didn't think I could miss people.

I've been through much worse than this. But if I lose Solomons. If I have to be alone, here, I don't... I'm scared of being alone. [ He stops, and is silent. The recording stops after a few seconds of dead air. ]

@prettypinkflowers; audio

[lacecase]

You don't ever need to be alone.

[None of them have to be alone.]

@prettypinkflowers; audio (cw: self-loathing, possible talk of sex and body image)

[lacecase]

I'm such a burden. I hate being alone, but I hate feeling like nobody trusts me to be alone without getting hurt. But, like, every time I've been alone lately something bad has happened. Like breaking my arm. Not like that's the worst thing. I'm bringing bad things to everyone else. Like, totally everyone.

I keep wondering if it's my fault that Clayton and Charlie are gone. Cause I was dating both of them...and they both died. They're both probably never coming back. And Steve, I really liked him, the first one, and he's gone. I just want to be with someone. It's so pathetic. Like I'm not really worth much unless I'm sleeping with someone. I know I shouldn't talk about myself that way but it feels more true every day. I want to be useful but really I'm just a bimbo. And one that brings bad luck to all the people I care about.

I can't do anything to help.

@standardissue; text

[deus_ex_phs]

If it helps, you're not the only one having that kind of bad luck with dating.

[A second message, sent a minute later...]

Who am I kidding? I know it doesn't help. Not in the important ways. But you're not alone in feeling that way.

@whatisthis; audio

[godsspeed]

[ He's already said many things that he shouldn't have. If he were sensible he'd hand someone else his tablet and isolate himself until this strange urge passes. But if he were sensible, he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

He's smart enough not to turn on the camera this time, though. No one needs to see this. No one needs to hear it either, but some part of him still wants to be heard. ]

The decision to betray Heaven was not one I came to on my own. A man talked me into it. He wanted to save his brother, who we had condemned. He thought if we let him do things his way, then so many fewer people would have to suffer needlessly.

His plan was childishly simplistic, and impossible. But I wanted to believe he could do it, so I helped him. I fell and died, helping him to defy the Word of God. I had faith in him when I had none left in Heaven. And because of that he is likely dead now, and suffering an unimaginable fate for the rest of time. I have no one left to follow or believe in.

Anna learned how to think for herself when she fell. She thought I could too. She was wrong. I don't know what to do. I wish she'd told me.

Is this what it's like to be human? Directionless and uncertain and afraid? How do any of you live, never really knowing what you're meant to do? How do you know what's right?

@duster, audio

[bywolves]

You don't. [ Royce is not very comforting, but. ]

@beyonce | audio

[thewarningafter]

[The shelter he's found is barely shelter -- this was a balcony once, but now it's just a wood and metal box in which Stephen is trapped for the night, huddled in a corner away from the glass door that looks out into pitch black darkness. The sound of his voice echoes faintly against the hard surfaces.]

After the car crash, there just -- wasn't any point. My career was everything I was, everything that mattered to me. And then it got better, I found another way, another meaning for my life, something bigger than me that really mattered...and now that's gone, too. I'm not doing anyone any good here.

[There's a rustling sound as the Cloak wraps more snugly around him. It's been clingy tonight, but he doesn't mind.]

I'm probably not going to sleep tonight. I don't sleep much most nights because of the nightmares. I've died...I've died a lot of times, and there isn't a night when I don't dream about it or a day when I don't remember. I feel like I'm falling apart.

[It feels right to speak it, but even so Stephen balks when he realizes how much he's just revealed. There are a few seconds of dead air, and then the audio cuts out.]

@Mnemosyne; voice

[bookofnope]

[Beckett's voice is a deadpan. Laying down the facts of life can be exhausting.]

The worst torments here are the ones you bring in with you. Find a way to contain them or you won't last.

@determination, voice (cw: child death, self-hatred & very unhealthy mindsets, etc.)

[despiteeverything]

[Frisk finds a closet to hide in before they start talking. That's the extent of their resistance. But it's safe here, and quiet in the dark. Their voice is quiet, almost a whisper. But it's better than silence.]

Everyone leaves.

Everyone always leaves. Mom, Sans, Lutha, Dr. Clayton, the Mr. Rogers who remember me, Kesara, Luna, Andersen, Mr. Clint... Even my human family.

And of course they do. I'm useless. I try... I try to help. And I do small things. Like the guide. Try to help everyone stay happy and safe. But nothing's any good. It never really helps. Even what I'm doing now might not be any good...

[And that's... awful to contemplate. That everything they do ends up being a dead end, or not helpful in the slightest.]

I could go back before. Over and over, if I died or messed up. Try until it worked. I kinda hate it. Nobody remembered 'cept me and Flowey. I could... awful things could happen and I could make them all forget, or so it never happened. Meant people forgot when I died though. Didn't mind that as much. But it doesn't matter 'cause I can't here anyway. If I mess up... that's it.

Sp... it doesn't matter, I guess. Everyone always leaves somehow. They die, or they leave me behind, or they get taken away somehow. [They say, almost as an aside.] 'm scared people will try to take me away from the monsters, when they find out what happened. Even though I was bad too. More bad than them.

People think I say stuff because I'm dumb and a kid and I don't really get it. But I say stuff because I know. Cause I've seen it. [Sometimes they did it.] But nobody ever listens. Even if I get home... how can I keep my family safe if everybody just looks at me and sees a dumb kid?

[Even though they guess that's what they are. Savior and ambassador or useless child, all in one. They have to be one or the other. They can't be both. And they're certainly not the former here. Only back home.

Admittedly... it's been harder and harder to think about getting home at all. They pause, and there's the sound of hands on skin as they rub their face roughly.]

I can't give up. I can't lose anybody else. I gotta stay determined. But sometimes I just dunno how I ever did.

@catseye ; voice

[grimalkid]

People can't leave you if you leave them first. That's what I learned to do. If I get attached to anyone, it always leads to disaster.

Adults are dumber than kids, most of the time, though. They think they've learned everything and they try to fit everything else into what they've learned.

@gravedigger; voice [potential cw for just...Joker stuff]

[harlequinofhate]

Cheesum crow what's gotten into all of you? Is it sharing o'clock?

[He coughs.]

Group therapy, that what this is? They never let me into group anymore.

Do I get to finally take part? Goody, goody!

[There's a pause.]

Thing is I ain't scared of anything.

Except ugly drapes, eeewww.

And white after Labor Day.

And purple jelly beans.

And being forgotten.

[He starts speaking more quickly.]

I'm terrified I'll end up worm food with no monument to my genius. I can't die and let everyone forget me I can't!

@309_W1C_2DZ; text

[howdull]

Unless you commit mass genocide, or a particularly interesting set of serial murders, it's very likely that you will be forgotten fairly quickly after you die.

Most people are, and you are certainly not special enough to be considered otherwise. Gimmicky rather than genius.

@Mnemosyne; text

[bookofnope]

This is hell.

Everything else is an illusion. Ice cream, honestly. I've always known. I have done nothing but mock my brother's teachings and will have no one with me in the valley of the shadows of death. Thousands of years of secrets and they'll all be buried here with me. There is no escape. There is no betterment. This is all there is or will ever be, and this is hell. I've always known.

Worse, it's the hell I've earned.

@whatisthis; text

[godsspeed]

I have made many excursions into Hell in the past. This is not any Hell I know.

It is worse. Hell has always been under the authority of Heaven, even if enforcing our will there is more difficult.

Heaven cannot reach us here.

@catseye ; voice [cw: child abuse/abandonment]

[grimalkid]

[He's curled in a ball on a couch in this house, his coat drawn over his head as the urge to speak roils in his throat. Finally, it becomes too much and he has to say something. He can't remember how to set it to private, so instead his words come out to the whole network.]

My mother died in childbirth, and my father never wanted me. I thought Mimi would help me, but when the tsunami came she closed her door to me! But I still miss her. I wish she hadn't died.

No one has ever wanted me to stay! Even the cats who like me never follow me when I leave. I'll always be alone. I'll never find true friends. People will always try to hurt me. I'll always have to hide! [His voice fades into a pained yowl before the recording stops.]

@betterhalf; text (He's not going to be helpful)

[darkincrement]

You're right. You will be alone.
And hurting others is normal.
People are selfish.

@magenta2; audio (cw for...abandonment issues? sure)

[himalayanyeti]

I don't wanna be alone when I die.

[A pause.]

I mean, die somewhere that's not here, you know? We come back, here. I'm never gonna die for real, I think, and I suppose that's just fine. But--back home, it's harder to die, but I'm sure I will, 'cause everybody does. That's good. I'm fine with dying as long as somebody's there with me.

But I don't think anybody will, 'cause everyone puts up with me until I fuck up, or until I've done what I need to do. Valentine did it. Wekapipo did it--he just--he just left me. It was scary. I'm still scared, but I think that's wrong and so I make myself not feel scared.

I know nobody does like me, but can y'all at least pretend?

@guardian; audio;

[phaseshifter]

Dude, don't be dumb. People like you! You're fun. That makes you likable by default. And anyone who leaves someone once they're no longer useful is a complete A-hole.

@standardissue; text

[deus_ex_phs]

[Kunsel's not an idiot. He can see a pattern here, with so many people posting about their fears. He can guess what's going on.

Doesn't mean he can resist the impulse to share, too.]

I'm never going to have a steady girlfriend. Maybe I'm cursed. Every girl I've even thought about having interest in has either dumped me, rejected me, or died.

Yes, I know that's a pathetic fear to have. I'd just rather be mocked for it than talk about my fear of my best friends dying.

@Mnemosyne; text

[bookofnope]

I would tell you that I love you for your sense of perspective, but in the current context that might come off wrong.

@fuckyou; audio [cw: mental instability, self loathing]

[blueteamproblems]

I can't talk about this, I can't-

[There's a panicked edge to Church's voice at first, but he clears his throat and starts speaking more clearly.]

I feel scared to even think these days. Every thought's like- like a fucking tripwire, anything at all could be the thing that sets me off and makes me break down. I've got no idea how I've managed to hold it together even this long. One of these days I'm gonna have to start thinking about what's wrong with me, about what those shitheads did to me. About whoever the poor asshole is whose body I'm in. And about Tex.

And... fuck, I don't wanna say this, but. What if someone dies and it's my fault? I'm trying to watch out for Caboose, but what if something happens to him? Just thinking about that is- I can't think about that. I can't.

@guardian; audio;

[phaseshifter]

Dude.

Wanna talk about it?

@jphawkins, text

[rattlingthestars]

I think everybody's going to leave, and it's going to be my fault. I'll screw something else up and everyone'll realize I'm too much trouble to deal with again. Like my parents. Like Silver, at the beginning.

Sometimes I think about trying to make it go faster. Just - be the worst person I can be, until something breaks, because. I don't know. Just so I don't have to be afraid of it happening anymore.

At least I know how to deal with that, kinda. Being somebody people can depend on? Not screwing everything up? Doing right by Zell and everybody else? That's new. It's hard. I don't want them to be wrong about me.

@hotstud_xxx; text

[rubikscomplex]

kid, i'm what happens when you do that
pretty sure you don't wanna be me

audio; @dreamsnhonor (cw: may contain mentions of death)

[heroproceeding]

You know, back when we first got here, I thought this was something ShinRa put together. Maybe some kind of experiment. But it's worse than that. [ A lot worse and Zack finds himself wringing his hands together on the other end at the thought. ]

But I thought 'I'm SOLDIER. I've been through worse. I can make this work and help get everyone out, no problem.' Didn't have my enhancements, sure, but that wasn't going to stop me.

Except it has, hasn't it. [ There's anger in his voice now and he might have spat a curse under his breath. ] They're all gone. I let 'em all down just like that. 'the hell kind'a SOLDIER am I? I'm supposed to be First Class? Well, I'm definitely First Class something. A First Class failure.

[ He takes another breath sharply. ] I'm supposed to protect people. That's what I'm good for and I know they say it's not just me that's gotta worry about that, but they gotta chance. They can get outta here and like hell I'm gonna let anything happen to 'em, but anything could happen to them and it's all I can think about if I let myself think too much. I stay up thinking 'bout it all night and wonderin' when this is all gonna end and if this pain's gonna stop and I know I need to tell 'em. I told Al I would, but if I did, I know how bad it'd hurt 'em, you know?

So, I just keep tellin' 'em we'll get outta here, even if I don't really know anymore.

@featherydouche; voice

[mrcreamsicles]

Hey, uh—I'm going to skip over all that because I don't really want to talk feelings when I can't keep my own mouth shut, and I'm already kind of fearing what's going to happen about that once this is over. Fuck. I mean, if we can shortcut the heavy shit, maybe let's do that.

[Emphasis on if they can. He sounds pretty uncertain.]

I just revived; I'm at the funeral home again. You want me to take pics of whoever else showed up since I was here last?

@Spoiler ; video cw: suicidal ideation, parental abuse

[spoileralert]

What if it's already too late? What if, at the end of the road, whether we win or lose, we're all already dead?

[ She had a point when she started this, something about contingency plans and being prepared for the worst. ]

Dying doesn't scare me, not really. Not anymore. It's... it's being alone. If this is all an illusion, or if we don't get a choice in where we go when this ends. I can't lose you all. [ And this is where she starts crying, but she can't seem to stop talking, or staring at the camera with a pleading look in her eyes. ] I've lost everyone. Mom and dad, Becky, Kes, Tim, Jason...

Gotham's not my home. My friends are my home. And I'm so scared I'm going to lose that, it keeps me up at night, even with the sleeping pills. I try to imagine Gotham without any of them, and it's... it isn't empty. It's cold and dark and it wants me dead.

Sometimes I think my dad was right. That I'm a disappointment. I should have been stronger, smarter, better. I should have let him kill me. I know, I know in my mind that's all bull, but I feel it sometimes. Maybe if I had been the daughter my parents wanted me to be we'd be out of this mess already.

If Batman couldn't do it, what chance do I stand?

[ She shuts the feed off before wiping her eyes and wondering what's gotten into her. ]

@starspangledhero; voice

[fifty]

[There's a lot that should be said to this that America doesn't know how to say.] You've lasted a real long time so far, yeah? You're really tough.

@Iwillnot ; video

[absentconstellation]

[ The Cat tries to look as though he isn't terribly bothered and is making this announcement for no real reason. Anyone with knowledge of cat body language can see otherwise, though: His ears flick every which way, listening for the smallest sign of trouble, and his tail whips back and forth low to the ground with more than idle speed. ]

I do not fear death. If this is to be my end, so long before the end of all things as it was meant to be, then I will accept it. Perhaps the dulling of my senses is the first sign of what is to come.

It would not be correct to say that I am afraid. Rather, that I mourn. I mourn the lives that I will not know, the changes that the Mortal Realms have hungered for the last four centuries. I mourn you all, whose lives have been cut short by this aberration. I mourn you, as I mourn the many thousands of friends that I have loved and lost in their time.

Know this: I remember all of them. And, should I survive, I will remember all of you.

@hotstud_xxx; text

[rubikscomplex]

some people shouldn't be remembered

@cabose; audio;

[blueteamsproblem]

I also have a thing! That I am scared of! Like what if when we are looking in the houses, for things that are useful for surviving in the snow - what if I open a cupboard and inside there is another Caboose. And the other Caboose looks at me, with the eyes of an old, old, old, ooooold man, and he opens his mouth to speak! But no noise comes out. Instead his mouth just gets wider and wider, and his skin starts falling off, and everything is withering, and in the distance there is somebody screaming that might be me, and when I turn to run away from the scary old man me there is only a bottomless pit of darkness. And I fall in, and I will be falling forever, and it will be just - it will be awful.

 

I think finding a dracula would also be... pretty scary.

[ is he wrong tho ]

@whatisthis; audio

[godsspeed]

The Impaler was not so much worse than many of his peers. He just made enemies who saw to it that people remembered him in the way they wanted him to be remembered.

[ He's not wrong but Castiel is trying to be helpful. ]