[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[snowblindmods]

it's been so long between the words we spoke
will you be there up on the shore, I hope

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Comments

@whatisthis; audio

[godsspeed]

[ He's already said many things that he shouldn't have. If he were sensible he'd hand someone else his tablet and isolate himself until this strange urge passes. But if he were sensible, he wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

He's smart enough not to turn on the camera this time, though. No one needs to see this. No one needs to hear it either, but some part of him still wants to be heard. ]

The decision to betray Heaven was not one I came to on my own. A man talked me into it. He wanted to save his brother, who we had condemned. He thought if we let him do things his way, then so many fewer people would have to suffer needlessly.

His plan was childishly simplistic, and impossible. But I wanted to believe he could do it, so I helped him. I fell and died, helping him to defy the Word of God. I had faith in him when I had none left in Heaven. And because of that he is likely dead now, and suffering an unimaginable fate for the rest of time. I have no one left to follow or believe in.

Anna learned how to think for herself when she fell. She thought I could too. She was wrong. I don't know what to do. I wish she'd told me.

Is this what it's like to be human? Directionless and uncertain and afraid? How do any of you live, never really knowing what you're meant to do? How do you know what's right?

@duster, audio

[bywolves]

You don't. [ Royce is not very comforting, but. ]

[godsspeed]

How? [ There's really not much more that he can think to say to that. How, subdivisions of 'how'. ] How do you act, knowing that you'll probably make the wrong choice? How are you not paralyzed by the sheer number of wrong choices to be made?

[bywolves]

You don't have a choice to not make a choice. You make a decision, stick with it, or you die.

cw: suicidal ideation

[godsspeed]

My first decision may have doomed both Heaven and Earth.

[ He isn't sure. What happens when you break a prophecy? No one has ever done it before, but he's sure it can't be anything good. ]

To die almost seems preferable.

@Ecks | text

[ecks]

[Enjoy Ecks texting you from across the room, Castiel.]

if you have rules that are right and follow them you will always do the right thing
I am writing a book of rules

text | cw: religious discussion

[godsspeed]

[ Castiel does glance over at Ecks when the message goes up, but this time it's a response to a public conversation. Having it be visible to those who might also find it relevant makes sense. ]

There were many books of rules written in my Father's name. Many of them were even written by His prophets after they received revelation. But they could never seem to account for everything. There were people who dedicated their entire lives to interpreting the vaguer passages, or determining which were the Word of God and which were words men had slipped in between.

Sometimes the books seemed to cause more division and strife than they prevented.

What is in your book?

@featherydouche; voice

[mrcreamsicles]

I'm not totally human anymore, but yeah, basically. It's a bunch of best guesses and hoping you don't fuck up. Sometimes you fuck up anyway and you gotta live with it. Can't say I'd recommend it.

[So long as he can't lie about his feelings.]

You serious about the whole defying God thing?

@whatisthis; audio

[godsspeed]

No.

[ A long, uncomfortable pause.]

Yes. I don't know. I am not sure that I'd take it back, if I could, and that's what worries me. It wasn't a moment of weakness. I am still weak. Maybe I always was.

[mrcreamsicles]

I haven't got the first clue what constitutes weakness for angels, and I don't think my idea counts. You've got a whole different set of expectations riding on you.

[He hmms in thought.]

I don't think it was wrong to try to prevent suffering. It's just hard knowing if you're doing it the right way.

[godsspeed]

Sentimentality. The world is a big place filled with billions upon billions of souls. If a good person must die, or a town be flooded, or a species go extinct in service to the Plan, then so be it. We can't save everyone. Heaven awaits the deserving. Paradise on Earth must be earned.

[ Castiel's speech is never entirely natural-sounding, but this especially comes across as something he's repeating after hearing from someone else, time and time again. ]

I put one man's suffering before my mission because I made the mistake of growing too attached.

@Spoiler ; video

[spoileralert]

That's exactly what it's like to be human.

But wanting to believe in the impossible, that's pretty human too. And it's a choice, one that you made.

audio

[godsspeed]

It was a bad choice. [ He sounds a little bit petulant. ] I'm not human. It's not my place to act like one.

[ He doesn't mean to give voice to what he says next. It just sort of happens. ]

I worry that is why I'm being punished in this way. I've been made as fragile and fleeting as you because I thought like you. Filled with doubt and misguided hope.

... Apologies. That's. That's not what I meant to say.

audio

[spoileralert]

[ She makes a sound that might be a laugh or a sigh. ]

That's been going around. Don't worry about it. I'm well aware of how fragile and fleeting people are.

[godsspeed]

Don't mistake my meaning. I find humankind to be beautiful, in a way that is rarely surpassed in all the rest of creation. But until now I had no way of understanding just how delicate your lives are. Seeing it is one thing. Being it is another. It's terrifying. I worry that I won't be able to endure it.

@Enoch; audio

[warriorscribe]

[It takes him a long time to respond even after he's hit reply. How does he even respond to this?]

You betrayed God...

[And yet, he'd said something else that made his tone much, much less than accusatory. If anything, it's pained, ragged and forced from his mouth, as if the very idea of it hurts him in its journey from lungs to lips.]

...But your God hands the souls He disapproves of to His enemies?

audio > private

[godsspeed]

[ Admitting to all of this where everybody could see it had been bad enough. Knowing that another angel, especially one as good and loyal as Metatron (even if he did not consider himself an angel as such) had seen it and hearing his reaction was something else entirely. His breath draws up short, his borrowed heart pounds. ]

He doesn't - He does not hand them over. He - [ Castiel's voice is despairing, almost pained - a stark contrast to the resigned sadness he'd spoken with in his original message. He fumbles with his tablet's controls, catches himself before he says too much. He knows how to do this now.

He switches the transmission to private and everything he'd been trying to hide escapes him like a dam breaking. ]

I don't know what He does any more, Enoch. I don't know what's Him and what's the Archangels and what's their lieutenants. The only one of us who even claims to have heard His voice in centuries is Michael and I had no reason to believe he was lying before, but things changed so much after you - after Metatron and Gabriel left. He grew so distant, He left all of us to try to guess at what He wanted.

I didn't know what to do.

>private

[warriorscribe]

I-...I can't imagine why He would ever...leave you all. How did any of you come to the conclusion to-...

[He shakes his head, audible in the rustle of fabric, though likely not identifiable as such. Much more obvious to pinpoint is the way his words speed up, slightly higher, less composed. As one who has had a taste of the torment other people seem to think comes from Heaven, the idea of God - or His angels - willingly inflicting it on others still cuts so very deep.]

Doesn't eternal punishment negate what punishment is for?

private

[godsspeed]

After the Garden of Eden, Cain and Abel, the flood - He grew so tired of watching His children tear each other apart that He withdrew from the world entirely. Refused to intervene except through us, said almost nothing even on those rare occasions when He did tell us what to do.

[ He doesn't want to tell Enoch this. All of this happens after his time. He could be wreaking untold havoc on the timeline. But all of this is something that's been eating away at him for thousands upon thousands of years, and between that accumulated weight and the stresses of this place it all comes out regardless. ]

When humans started falling - selling their souls for Earthly gain and allowing themselves to be made into savage, corrupted creatures in the world after - we asked Him to intervene, but this only drove Him further into mourning. So we tried to save them ourselves. We made excursions into Hell, rescued the lost souls and purified them of sin. It worked, for a time, but they kept falling in greater and greater numbers, and eventually not even the armies of Heaven could match the demons.

Michael said the losses we incurred with each mission were unacceptable. That we couldn't keep sacrificing angels to save humans that had been so determined to throw themselves into the Pit. So we stopped. And God said nothing.

@imtheboss, audio

[24karat]

In my experience, we just sorta keep on throwing ourselves at stuff until something happens. If it turns out 'right,' awesome-- if not, you give it another shot and see what you can do with what you get. [ There's the quiet rustle of fabric as he tries to get comfortable, although it doesn't do much good. ] It's a lot of working at it. Whatever...it is.

So you're confused, scared, all that crap. That's all part of the package, buddy-- was somewhere in the fine print. And we all do things that hurt people some way or another, intentional or not. [ He shrugs, but...audio. The gesture doesn't exactly come across well. ] What you do in spite of that's the important part, even if you don't know how it's gonna turn out. You could regret your mistakes forever and basically have an infinite pity party, but that's not real fun to do. Or...useful. Now, if you learn from it? That's a whole different story.

audio

[godsspeed]

What is there to be learned from this? That after serving since the beginning of time all it takes for me to stray is one man telling me that what I'm doing is unfair? It's always been unfair.

[ That is also very much something he did not intend to say. He stops abruptly to think about it - that's not what he really thinks, is it? No, not exactly, not entirely, but to some degree... ]

Or at least, I have done things that I did not agree with in the past, and they all turned out to plan. [ More or less. ] Some of them were far worse than this. Why was this my breaking point?

[24karat]

Luck, maybe. Judging by where we're at right now, I'd say it's probably bad luck, but who knows? Maybe there's a silver li-- y'know what, I can't even actually say it. [ This place sucks, and he's pretty salty about it. ] Anyway, just-- yeah.
Sometimes things happen and there's not much of an explanation. Does it matter if we're the one doing 'em? Not really, 'cause everybody has their moments of doing rather than thinking about it. Sure, it might not be acting on impulse, but it's been known to happen before.

[ Still, he gets the feeling that...Cas probably wasn't talking about a mere flight of fancy. The guy seems a little riled up, for lack of a better word. ]

Might also be that somewhere, you disagreed with whatever was going on all along? That one guy was your tipping point or something. 'Course, I'm not trying to make you doubt yourself or anything. [ for once ] Just trying to get a feel for what's on the table.

@prettypinkflowers; voice

[lacecase]

It is, but it's not just about, like, your head or knowing, right? Sometimes it's not even about what's good or bad. But, like, you have to listen super careful to what your heart has to tell you. When you can't depend on the things that you think you need to do, you totally gotta feel it out.

[Feelings are really important!]

audio

[godsspeed]

I don't have a heart. I'm not an organic being and my physical form doesn't mimic the functions of one.

[ He sounds a little put out about this. ]

It felt like the right thing to do at the time. But now I'm not so sure.

[lacecase]

[Awww, honey.]

It's okay, I don't think you have to literally have a heart. It's more like, do you have heart instead of a heart...if that makes sense.

[Does that make sense?]

And you sound like you have plenty of heart, to me. It wouldn't bother you at all if you didn't, right?