[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[snowblindmods]

it's been so long between the words we spoke
will you be there up on the shore, I hope

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@Spoiler ; video cw: suicidal ideation, parental abuse

[spoileralert]

What if it's already too late? What if, at the end of the road, whether we win or lose, we're all already dead?

[ She had a point when she started this, something about contingency plans and being prepared for the worst. ]

Dying doesn't scare me, not really. Not anymore. It's... it's being alone. If this is all an illusion, or if we don't get a choice in where we go when this ends. I can't lose you all. [ And this is where she starts crying, but she can't seem to stop talking, or staring at the camera with a pleading look in her eyes. ] I've lost everyone. Mom and dad, Becky, Kes, Tim, Jason...

Gotham's not my home. My friends are my home. And I'm so scared I'm going to lose that, it keeps me up at night, even with the sleeping pills. I try to imagine Gotham without any of them, and it's... it isn't empty. It's cold and dark and it wants me dead.

Sometimes I think my dad was right. That I'm a disappointment. I should have been stronger, smarter, better. I should have let him kill me. I know, I know in my mind that's all bull, but I feel it sometimes. Maybe if I had been the daughter my parents wanted me to be we'd be out of this mess already.

If Batman couldn't do it, what chance do I stand?

[ She shuts the feed off before wiping her eyes and wondering what's gotten into her. ]

@starspangledhero; voice

[fifty]

[There's a lot that should be said to this that America doesn't know how to say.] You've lasted a real long time so far, yeah? You're really tough.

voice

[spoileralert]

[ She tries to sound cheery, wry even, but fails. ]

I don't feel like I've lasted.

@LELRIC; audio

[armoured]

You stand a chance because you're you, because you're not Batman.

[His heart is breaking for her.]

So what if he was older and had experience, he didn't understand how to work as a team and trust other people. You do. It's people like you that care, those are the ones that get everyone through places and times like this.

audio

[spoileralert]

He was smarter. He would have seen things I don't, made connections, solved puzzles.

I keep trying to work as a part of a team, and it's never enough. No one listens to me. I don't-- I think I don't know how to talk to people. I just, I get scared and angry and I push people away.

Al, I'm scared I'm screwing everything up.

[armoured]

I can't promise you that you've not screwed anything up, or that you won't do again in the future. You're only human, Steph, we all are, but that doesn't mean that all we ever do is screw up.

You have to keep trying and work on the things you get wrong, so you don't get them wrong in the same way again.

[spoileralert]

I don't know, Al. I just... half the time I don't even know what went wrong. Just that it did.

[armoured]

That happens to everyone, I promise it's not just you. It's just part of life, part of having friends and trying to protect people. Things go wrong, you can't-- you can't blame yourself, you can't believe that you're better off gone.

[His voice is choked with fierce sadness now.]

So many people love you, we can't lose you. I can't lose you.

cw: yet more suicide talk

[spoileralert]

I'm not-- you're not going to. I mean, sometimes I'm scared that I am gonna... [ Apparently the implication is good enough, because she doesn't feel terribly inclined to finish that thought. ]

But, I don't believe it. Not really. I believe that it's my fault, but not that I'm better off gone.

[armoured]

Good, because you're not.

[He can remember shouting at Ed so vividly, only an idiot makes the choice to die. He doesn't want to have to do that to Steph too.]

We've both made mistakes here, but we've done good too, you have to try and remember that.

[spoileralert]

I wouldn't trade my time with you and Zach for the world.

[ But... ]

Sometimes it scares me what I'm capable of.

[armoured]

I know, but you just have to try and hold onto that first part. No matter what else happens, or how hard it gets, it's worth it to have had the time we've had with the people we love.

[It's what got him through losing Trisha, it's what's getting him through losing Ed again.]

[spoileralert]

I... I'll try.

[ But it's at least partly a rational fear, and it's not so easy to push that aside.

Since she's told him anyway, though, maybe there's another solution. ]

Will you... look out for me? Make sure I don't do anything stupid?

[armoured]

Of course I will, you don't even have to ask.

[He wishes she were there right now so that he could hold her.]

No matter what else happens, Steph, you'll always have me.

[spoileralert]

[ She sighs her relief, feeling much better already. ]

It's good just to hear you say it.

[armoured]

I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it, I promise.

[Even if he has to call her up each day.]

[spoileralert]

You're the best, Al. I love you.

[armoured]

I love you too, Steph.

[The smile is pretty clear in his voice.]

Take care, okay? I'll talk to you again soon.

[spoileralert]

G'night, Al.