snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

yet????????

i had ta threaten studly because he said some mean things about my babies. but no, not yet!

studly
you mean house
jesus look hes a jackass but he doesnt deserve to get murdered
hes died way too many times as it is
and i dont want to talk to someone who thinks threatening or committing murder is ok in the first place
do you have any idea how many times people die around here just from survival hazards
too many of them havent come back
the morgues have shelves with their bodies stored in them
it is morbid as shit and i hate that im stuck in this one until morning

jeez, jeez, i'm sorry kid.
yeah hes a jackass, but i aint actually gonna kill someone just for that
an he just did somethin real nice for me, so consider it void
if u dont wanna talk to me anymore i understand but u gotta be talkin to someone, davesprite

bc ur freaking out and you dont deserve 2 be stuck alone in a morgue until morning

just dont threaten people like that in the first place
if you actually want to recover and arent lying to me then thats a pretty crucial step right there
ive got other people to talk to and ive been through worse than spending a night in the morgue so dont worry about me

okay, kiddo. old habits.

i can promise that i aint lying to you, though. i promised someone real important to me that ill get better

this maybe isnt the best place to do it, but maybe i can still try

this place isnt the best for anything but dying a whole lot and freezing your ass off
sometimes at the same time
that and questioning reality but its going easy on me right now so im gonna leave that topic right where it is
im going to hold you to that promise harley

questionin reality sounds like my usual tuesday
i dunno if id be able to tell if it was this place or me tbh
it probably doesnt matter tho
i wont kill studly. promise
n if he makes good on his word 2 get me meds somehow ill even thank him
deal?

deal
but nah trust me this place messes with you
have you heard about mn poisoning
plus theres shit like us being dragged around to other places without remembering how we got there
or seeing things that arent real
weird dreams too
one time this static happened that just straight up made people feel like they were the only real one around
i wound up wandering out into the snow and froze to death because i was convinced i was dying already and all the static and people i thought were fake were glitches from my code degrading
turns out it doesnt actually work like that when i die

[A pause.]

i didnt want to say that but apparently ive got no goddamn choice right now

i kinda read about it in onea the guides
oh good that sounds perfect for my grasp on reality i love having to question that even more than the occasional psychosis leads me to
this place aint good.

yeah. tonight is oversharin night
im. so scared im gonna wind up back with mistah j
especially if this place messes with reality as much as yr sayin
aint gonna be good for my chances
fuck
im gonna try to keep my promise
i swear

im sorry harley
this place is just one endless train ride taking us from one shitty station to the next
like i kind of want to ask about you and the joker but i dont want to accidentally force you to tell more than you want
i dont even know why this is happening right now

shitty endless train ride sounds pretty accurate, yeah
ya can feel free to ask, kid, its not like everyone doesnt know our business, anyway
i dont care, really. whaddaya wanna know?

[she figures she owes him for making him upset earlier.]

i know you and him have or had some kind of romantic thing
so why dont you want to go back
i know him being the way he is cant be good for recovery if you want to quit the criminal thing but it sounds like theres something more going on

bein near him does things to me.
before i met him i was a psychiatrist
i became his psychiatrist, and he
i fell in love
because im an idiot, haha
hes tried 2 kill me a few times but thats not that big a deal
hes rough w me but i can handle that it aint that much of a problem
but the effect that he has on me is terrifyin
i stop carin abt anyone cept for him
i hurt people
even people i care about

he aint good for me

ok first things first him trying to kill you IS a big deal
it is the biggest deal
i dont know how to do romance real well but i can tell you right now you dont fucking try to kill your girlfriend
being rough with you isnt good either
or the rest
you deserve better than that harley
like being a psychiatrist is an important job you know
my sister was real into that stuff in this kind of annoying armchair way
but she still actually cared about us and everything
and im going to hazard a guess that you wanted to help people with that too
so its not fair that he could take you away from that or make you stop caring about people

well yanno, he.
i know puddin better than anyone and i aint scared of him
im mad a lot of the time about what he did 2 my life
and about what ive done when im with him
its complicated i guess is what im sayin

i tried 2 kill him once but all he had to do was say he missed me and then i was just. back in love with him again
so, it's my fault for bein like this. i willingly choose him, every single time, over anyone else
because im a fucked up person

a bad person

thanks for tryin to cheer me up, tho

no harley listen
im not going to say youre 100% innocent of everything
and im not an expert in any of this to begin with
but it sounds to me like hes messed with you so bad he just got his hooks into you and now all he has to do is tug you back in because you dont know how to pull them out yourself
its probably a lot harder when its hooks in your heart instead of the physical kind
normal hooks you can see and touch and know where they are
mental ones are invisible
but bullshit youre not scared of him
you just told me earlier youre scared youre going to go back
that means you dont want what he does to you and its not as simple as youre trying to say it is now

im more scared of what im capable of than i am with him, okay?
puddin is complicated
and so am i
but ya dont gotta be an expert to know its fucked up. im fucked up. i get that
but he aint
if i didnt keep goin back i wouldnt be in trouble, or hurt like this.
yeah maybe hes got hooks in me, or some sorta hold over me
but i have one over him, too
and no matter what i just keep on goin back
so
if anythin happens here n i go back to him
i probably deserve it haha
ill have broken the promise nyway

yeah nope
gonna disagree still
hes mega fucked up in a way worse than you have to be
youve got some sense of regret while hes the one dragging you into it
im not going to argue more about it being complicated because im not you
but i am saying it sounds like hes got your whole view of yourself pretty fucking skewed at the same time
you dont deserve to go back to him ok
if you ask me it sounds like you need some kind of help to keep you from going back
like a reminder maybe to tell you why its a bad idea
though you would have to be careful about that considering its him on the other side

[there's a while before the next reply.]

youre a smart kid, ya know that

i've had reminders an support systems before
i've been cleared n declared sane by the doctors more times than i can count
so i must be stoppin myself from gettin better. because when i see him, or hear him talk ta me, gettin better dont matter

and even when i can think clearly about this
like now
its still scary
because i still believe he loves me
an i love him

and hes here in this town somewhere

jeezum, talk about pathetic, huh?

shrug
not that hard to see someone struggling like that and figure theres some kind of problem
if you wanted to go back to him straight up you probably would have done it by now or be on your way
instead of confessing your fears to a teenage stranger on the network
i know were all dumping our feelings everywhere anyway but that theres still something there for you to confess says a lot yknow
and i dont know how hard that kind of thing is because i havent been in that situation
or how it feels being on either side
so the best i can do is guess at it from what youre saying and try to give advice
and maybe im just a know nothing kid who should shut his mouth by now
but i think you need help and i kind of want to give it
even if thats just inept advice like this
so i dunno
keep trying anyway
try to remember this or talk to somebody if you get those feelings like you want to go back again
because even if youve had all those times where youve gone back to him you still have ones like this or what you said where you had support

trust me. advice comes easy when you aint the one in a situation like this.

i just hope you n everyone else whos been nice to me here doesnt hate me when i fuck it up

damn
i didnt mean to say that!! i didnt

but
thank you
i'll try to talk to you. an spoily, i think
studly is still on the Maybe list he said v mean things about my babies

but
i dont wanna burden a kid with my shit, yanno
im a grownass woman

youre not the only grownass adult ive helped with this kind of thing
though im kinda scared the other dude might kill me someday if things go wrong

[Damnit.]

whatever
point is
if i wanted to stop talking to you i could have told you to fuck off
and if i change my mind i can still say so
like i am kinda scared what might happen if things do go bad for you
but id rather try to help even its dumb help when from the sound of it you want to do better than you have been
so good luck harley
and keep on trying

who's the other dude? who are you worried might kill you??

i know you said you don't want to talk about death but that's important kiddo
i ain't even sorry for pryin i wanna make sure youre ok

i dont want to say because its personal and i dont want him to catch shit
its complicated in ways that are a lot different from your situation
ways i dont want you getting mixed up in and arent my place to say
so do me a favor and dont pry while my ability to shut the fuck up is compromised

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

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(cw: discussion of mental illness, drug mention)

cw: discussion of unreality and unintentional suicide

cw: discussion of unreality, mental illness

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(cw: partner abuse, mental illness)

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(cw: partner abuse, mental health)

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