snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

I don't know that either.

[It doesn't sound like it's bothering him.]

It's because I don't know that I'm trying to fight so hard, to make it be a future that I want to see.

Maybe I can't be optimistic, then, because I keep looking at the same thing but I haven't flipped over into feeling all bright and sunny about the future. I can't even blame our pasts, because we've both been through heavy stuff but you still came out the hopeful one.

[That frustration continues in his tone.]

You don't get it, Davesprite, you're not listening to me!

[He sounds slightly frustrated himself.]

You think I see things all bright and sunny? If that was the case, I wouldn't fight so hard because I'd be complacent about what was coming. I know things are tough, and I'm so scared that I'll never get the future that I'm fighting for, but that's why I fight so hard. I don't want to give up hope, and I don't want to believe there's nothing but darkness ahead. It doesn't mean that I see sunshine, just that I'm determined that it's not all going to be rain.

Then it's something else, Al.

[He's downright exasperated as he spits that out.]

I don't know what's wrong. I'm looking at the same stuff you are but I can't get all the ways it could go wrong out of my head, or the thought that it probably will, that I'll mess up or something else will happen that's beyond my control to stop. I want to fix the stuff I can, but bad shit keeps happening anyway. Things in my world, things in this world, and maybe if everyone could just stop dying for a week I would feel less useless about it all.

You can't just... You keep talking to me like if you say enough words I'm going to come around, but I'm not, Al. My life sucks. That's it. I can downplay it and pretend I'm chill and sometimes there's moments that aren't bad, but then something comes around that turns it terrible again, and I can't even do the first part now because dying lost me that. So I'm sorry I can't do optimism, Al, but you can't fix me.

Everyone's life sucks, Davesprite.

[He does feel for the other boy, and it shows in the sympathetic edge to his voice, but at the same time he feels like there's a bit too much wallowing going on here.]

Everyone has things that hurt, everyone has dark times, and I'm not saying that it's easy to pick up and move on, or that everything isn't hard. I don't know how to help you except to keep trying to talk to you, to support you. If you think something is really wrong, like-- maybe you should talk to one of the doctors?

Jesus Christ.

[He hisses it out before continuing.]

I'm not saying I'm the only one, Al; I literally said we've both been through bad things right before I said all that just now. Just fuck off if you're going to pull that. I'm not going to talk to the doctors about it either.

Edited (better icon choice) 2017-03-16 13:03 (UTC)

[He has to restrain a sigh, why does it always seem as though Davesprite takes every conversation the worst way it could be taken?]

I'm not going to argue with you or force you to do something you don't want to, so maybe you should go if you need to calm down for a while.

[ooc: Sorry for the wait, I've been on holiday with no internet for a few days.]

I don't need to calm down—

[And he bites it out bitterly.]

I need you to stop acting like you're doing me some kind of favor by like... putting on this big pity act until you get tired of me still being sad. I'm not going discover some hidden well of hope just because you're nice to me for a while.

It's not a pity act, and I'm not tired of you being sad. I'm just frustrated because I care, and I hate to see the people that I care about in pain.

[He has no shame admitting this sort of thing.]

I don't expect you to be like me, or like anyone except yourself, or-- But maybe it would be nice if you didn't immediately snap at me when we talk about stuff like this.

[He makes a frustrated kind of noise and scrubs his hand back through his hair.]

Maybe I wouldn't snap if you didn't just tell me to chin up because everyone's life sucks? Or—fuck—maybe if you just stopped being nice about it? Just tell me to stop bitching and get over it. I already know I complain too much. Maybe I can't stop whining because no one has the balls to tell me to quit being a pussy about it.

...You know it's okay to complain if you're going through a bad time, right? People who care about you would never tell you to quit it.

[He can't even imagine needing to talk and being told to stop being a pussy.]

Then what was the "everyone's life sucks" part about? Because it came off a lot like telling me to complain less without just out and out saying shut up. Which do you want from me, Al?

Edited (better icon for the mood I want) 2017-03-31 15:20 (UTC)

Maybe it was about letting you know that you're not alone, or that there might be people out there you can talk to who would relate to it, or-- that even if everyone has hard times, it doesn't mean there's no hope.

[Or all of those things together.]

[He's quiet a moment, still feeling irritable, but thinking.]

Maybe my ability to hope is just busted. I was already leaving the important stuff up to my friends when I left, because they were objectively more capable of doing shit than me. And then this place happened, and I feel like even if I do get out then nothing good is waiting for me. I want to help everyone else, and I want to put a stop to this place, but I'm not going to smile about it when there's all these sessions that have failed before us and I still might die for good in the "win" condition.

[He's afraid of there being nothing good when he goes home too, he's so scared that Father is going to win and all of Amestris will be destroyed. He nearly manages to keep it inside, but--]

I'm scared that I'm going to die when I go home too. Not just me, everyone in my country, and it'll be because I couldn't fight hard enough. I'm scared it's happened while I've been here.

[Davesprite lets out a sigh, soft and slow.]

I dunno. People have seen their futures before, but they might just be dreams. I don't know how time works in your universe, or if we can even go back to when we were taken. You've got a whole country on the line. At least I know the new universe gets made in some future.

Mm.

[He really hopes he gets back, and that's the hope that he's clinging to so fiercely.]

I have to believe I still have a chance to make a difference, maybe we all do. Maybe you don't have to go back if you don't want, you could go somewhere else.

I've thought about it. Clint and Nat offered, but now they're gone; so unless we can revive everyone at the end, it's a moot point. And even if they weren't, I don't know if that's what I want. I miss my friends, and I've got no idea what Jade would think of me if I didn't go back... I don't even want to talk to her about this, because I don't want to hurt her more when I'm already bad enough at handling stuff between us. I don't know if I'm the Davesprite that winds up in her timeline, either. Just being here could mean I'm going to die if I go back, but if I am the right Davesprite, then I'm going to get combined with somebody else I've never even met into some kind of bizarre double sprite—but I don't want to disappoint her, and even if I die I could still possibly meet my friends in the afterlife, so, like, am I obligated to go back?

[It all spills out in a rush, and at the end he makes another frustrated groan.]

Damnit, I didn't want to say even half of that.

Edited 2017-04-01 20:57 (UTC)

[He's caught in a dilemma now of whether it's okay to keep discussing this, or whether morally he should end the conversation because Davesprite is obviously being forced to reveal more than he wants. In the end, he can't just leave it at that.]

You're not obligated to do anything. You have to figure out your own future and work towards that, no matter what it is. If you want to go to another world, then go to one, I'm sure there are lots of people that would welcome you there. You could even always come back with me, if you wanted.

No offense, but I'd die of boredom in a world that hasn't invented the internet yet.

[It slips out first, because it's easiest.]

... I don't know where I'd go yet, or if I would for sure. How do I know the addition of a half-crow half-dude all-orange weirdo ain't gonna mess up something critical in what's meant to happen?

[Huff.]

I'm frustrated at myself at this point. I can't even time travel, haven't for years, and yet I'm still stuck on all this concern about the timeline. I just... want a life where I don't feel like I have to be constantly looking over my shoulder for causality to catch up with me. I'm a paradox as it is, Al; I already got convinced once I was finally dying from it.

I guess you don't know.

[He's a bit over his head with talk of time travel and paradoxes, but that doesn't mean he's going to back off and not try to help.]

But none of us really know how our actions might mess up the future, or change the world for better or worse, sometimes you just have to do what you think is best for yourself and hope. I don't know if you're a paradox, maybe all of us are now we've been here, but you're not dead yet so don't bury yourself just yet, okay?

[He could keep arguing. He really could. But right now as he considers it, the weight of what he's said and what Al's saying now... He's tired.]

I'll try not to. I'm still trying with the rest.

You want to just... talk later? When everything's less messed up? We're probably going to wind up in another circle if we keep pushing it.

[It's better than a flat out refusal, so he'll let it go.]

Yeah... yeah, okay, you're probably right. Take care of yourself, I'll talk to you again when things are a bit less crazy.

You too, Al.

[He's got enough thoughts and feelings in his head now to sit and poke at, whether he likes it or not. He hangs up.]

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

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cw: internalized misogyny as relates to concepts of masculine behavior

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