snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

I think I used to be afraid of dying. Everyone always expected me to die at the drop of a hat, and I almost did a handful of times. Everyone was always waiting for me to die. Not that they wanted me to, but they thought it was inevitable. "He's so weak," they said. "He'll never last. He can't make it."

"He's so weak, he can't do anything worthwhile. Won't amount to anything."

At some point I got afraid I'd prove them right. Men only make a difference if they're big and strong. I wanted to show them how wrong they were. That I was just as strong and could make just as much of a difference. There are so many guys who have everything handed to them on a silver platter. Then they use that to spit in the faces of people who don't have it so good. They use their strength to pick on people who can't fight back.

So I started fighting back.

But it's never enough. Yeah, I'm scared I'm not enough to make a difference. That I won't be the right man for the job. That I'll fail. That I won't be able to help people.

I'm really afraid I'm going to lose Bucky. That he'll push me away. Maybe I can't help, but I'm afraid he won't let me try. Or just be there. Be a friend.

I'm afraid of losing my friend.

I know that feeling.
Being weak and not amounting to anything.
I used to be called a crybaby.

Whoa! Wait
Bucky?
You're his friend?

Yeah. Bucky's my best friend.

That's good!
Jay needs all the friends he can get.
It's been shitty for him here :(

It's been shitty for him everywhere, apparently.

I'm not going to ask.
He really wants to keep everyone safe.
I can respect that.

I knew the other you.
Older you.
It must have been a trip seeing your name all over the place.

I'd respect it more if he didn't think the only way to do it was by staying away from everyone.

A trip? If that means it was weird, then yeah, it definitely was.

Yeah, that's what I mean.
Need to update you on your slang, man.
He's with Watson. Or was with him.
Watson is a good guy.

He was. He's with me now. But I'm afraid he'll leave.

Hmm.
Then keep reminding him of why you guys were friends.
You're pretty special, right?

I wish I could help. I still feel like I screwed everything up with him. Like maybe if I'd been just a little more trusting he'd have trusted me, and I could do something for him. I'm sorry.

What happened to him isn't your fault.

No. but maybe some of what's happened to him here is.

Will you tell me?

I'm scared you're going to hate me for it [ And she is, and she tries so hard not to send that message, but she can't make herself erase it. So she figures, at least she can make up for her moment of weakness by being honest about it. ] About a month ago, something weird happened. Half the town turned murderous - you heard about it, probably, with the prophet eyes? I was going to hurt House. I wanted to hurt House. And I realized what I was doing, and I was so scared I was going to kill somebody, I knew I had to do something about it. I didn't know what else to do. There were only two people in town I knew for sure could take me down, and I was too scared of the Joker to make myself go looking for him. So I found Bucky instead. He didn't want to kill me, but I didn't give him a choice.

[I didn't give him a choice, he reads, and yeah. Steve's mad. He's mad at Steph, but he's also mad at the town, or whatever it is that made everyone like that.]

You shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry that happened but you really shouldn't have done that.

I know.

[ She felt horrible about it even when it was happening, but by then it was too late. If she had stopped fighting she would have lost her will again, and then maybe Bucky would have ended up dead. ]

I'm sorry.

[ She has a million excuses and explanations in her mind, but this isn't the time for them. ]

I'm so, so sorry.

I appreciate that, and I believe you, but I'm not the person you should be apologizing to.

[He still barely understands what's going on in Norfinbury, or what's happened to Bucky both here and before he got here, but he knows how bad that was. And god, he doesn't blame Bucky for hating her.]

I don't hate you. [But he sure as hell isn't endeared to her at all.] Thank you for telling me.

I already apologized to Bucky. [ And in the process made things worse. Valuing honesty is such fun. ] He said to never talk to him again, so I haven't. I won't talk to you either, if you want.

[ She's afraid that: ] I'm not a very good person.

You're sorry, and you apologized. I'm mad, but I won't cut off contact with you. But I'm not going to tell you or Bucky you should start talking again.

[He sighs at that last part.]

None of us are, when it comes down to it.

[ She makes herself take a breath and let it out slow. ]

I don't know what's wrong with me. Plenty of other people managed to find a solution. I just always seem to make everything worse. It's probably best that Bucky never trusted me in the first place.

We all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others. You gotta learn from them, that's all we can hope for.

And Bucky only trusts a few people.

[Honestly he doesn't really want to be comforting her, after what she's just admitted, but if a priest can counsel someone after the worst of confessions, then he can do this.

Then again, he's no priest. Not even close.]

Well. I hope he trusts you, still. [ She rubs her temples. God, what a night. ] I'm sorry. I shouldn't keep bothering you.

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

@steverogers; text

Re: @steverogers; text

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maybe he can find a leash or handcuffs

@Spoiler ; private text

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