[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[snowblindmods]

it's been so long between the words we spoke
will you be there up on the shore, I hope

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[bookofnope]

That... is not the most persuasive place to start.

[But he needs more. He needs to see. He flicks the video on, leans into the camera's view. He doesn't look like much himself, hollowed out, emaciated and old, the glow of his eyes dimmed behind his tinted glasses, but even with them on there's an unnerving intensity to his stare. A man used to staring through people.]

Do you believe you were sent here deliberately?

[godsspeed]

[ Again, Castiel follows. The figure he cuts isn't particularly imposing or divine - by all appearances, he's nothing more than a very tired mortal man who's fighting a slow and losing battle with the elements. ]

Yes, but not for the reasons any of us would hope. This place may not be Hell, but I have no doubt that some of the people here have were brought in as punishment, and that I am certainly among them.

[bookofnope]

[He takes a quick sharp breath at that, eyes narrowing, nostrils flaring. Leaning a little forward like a predator catching a scent - though an uneasy swallow reveals his wary tension.]

Why do you say that?

[godsspeed]

The last thing I remember before I found myself here was being executed by an archangel. I'm a traitor, deserter, and a coward, and I will die here with the rest of you.

[bookofnope]

The rest of us... [he sinks into silence at that for a moment. This is - there is no hope in it, but he can understand it. He can perhaps understand.]

What have you done? How have you fallen?

[godsspeed]

I defied orders and prophecy because I was arrogant enough to believe that I knew better than God what was good and just. I doubted. I rebelled. It's the worst thing my kind can do.

[bookofnope]

[Well, doesn't all of that sound familiar.]

I almost thought it wasn't possible. For angels to fall, after... what was it? What was the prophecy, what made you doubt?

[godsspeed]

It's not something that's common. Or encouraged. [ But it does happen, much more often than anyone would like to admit. Heaven's ranks have been steadily shrinking since Genesis, and not all of those losses were fatalities. ]

And that's... not something I'm really able to talk about. But the world hung in the balance, and I made a selfish call.

[bookofnope]

You can't - [He starts, stops, grits his teeth and starts again.] You can't simply dangle that in front of my nose and leave me speculating. Not able to talk about it? What do you fear might happen? You've already hit bottom, so to speak.

[godsspeed]

I fear that my act of rebellion will be successful. I fear equally that it will be unsuccessful. I fear the fact that I still don't know which I want, and that I may be made to face the consequences of anything I say here if I ever return home.

How familiar are you with the Book of Revelations?

[bookofnope]

[He sucks in a breath.]

Intimately. What is the relevance?

[godsspeed]

Heaven ruled that it was time for the events it foretold to come to pass.

I was assigned the task of ensuring everything went according to plan.

[bookofnope]

The Book of Revelations. [Beckett gives a small miserable chuckle, just on this side of hysterical.] In every sordid detail? Seven seals, seven trumpets, four beasts and seven heads and all...? And you - [he swallows.] - refused?

[godsspeed]

The translation of details across two thousand years and multiple different languages and various social and political contexts has varied in quality and John himself had a tendency towards embellishment but, essentially, yes.

And I refused.

[bookofnope]

And that was all it took? One angel's refusal, and that's it - an apocalypse two thousand years in the making, cancelled?

[godsspeed]

Many angels. Heaven had fractured into factions by the time the seals had started to break. Some believed God had abandoned us and that we were no longer beholden to Him. Some wished to defect to Lucifer. Some sought to protect humanity at all costs. Not to mention that many of the mortals involved in the prophecies were less than pleased with their roles. A lot of things had gone very wrong, by the time I made my decision.

And again, it's more than possible that mine was a futile gesture. I don't know. I died, or was in the process of dying.

[bookofnope]

You make it sound as though - [He struggles to put it into words - or rather, to put voice to the words, for all the they seem sickeningly familiar.] As though the hosts of heaven themselves didn't know what God's true will was. As though the prophecies were optional, not an ordained destiny.

[godsspeed]

The prophecies are the clearest guide to His will that we have. They all come to pass. It is only a question of when. They can be delayed or hurried along, but never before has one been entirely broken.

I don't know what would happen if one were broken. [ He has a sense of nameless, all-consuming dread about it, like a man floating on an endless sea, with no land or hope of rescue in sight. But he doesn't actually know what the consequences would be - or if there would be any at all. ]

[bookofnope]

[On his end, Beckett is silent for a long moment as he, also, fights down a swell of terror thinking of prophecies that must and have come true. Could it have been otherwise? Could the foreseen doom of his own world have been averted? He dreads the answer either way.]

Perhaps that is getting ahead of yourself. Perhaps it was merely delayed. A reprieve. Until... another cycle.

[godsspeed]

Once I would have been able to rest secure in the certainty that that was the case.

Now I am unsure. Both as to whether the apocalypse should happen or that it will.

I wish I could go back to being without doubt.

[bookofnope]

[These words hit him at his centre, a staggering feeling. He imagines being without doubt, and the imagining is too keen. It overwhelms all the questions he has left.]

I know, [is all he says, quietly, before closing the feed.]