[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[snowblindmods]

it's been so long between the words we spoke
will you be there up on the shore, I hope

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>text so we can cover all the drama bases

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim gives him a moment. Enough time to hear what Jim aid, and gather his thoughtss. But the moment stretches too long, and Zack isn't answering, and all Jim can hear is Zack's confession. He thinks about contacting Al - maybe he'd be easier to get talking - but first he starts sending Zack messages one after the other, rapid fire: ]

zack

answer me

i thought we weren't going to do this again

you promised

AH-HAHAHA.....

[heroproceeding]

[ It takes him a while to respond despite all the messages Jim shoots. Maybe he won't respond at all in the end. But eventually, two messages come back, one after the other. ]

not on here

please

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim stares down at them, a scowl twisting his features, and drops the tablet down so he doesn't have to look at it for a moment.

He scrubs his face, angry, before he forces himself to stand and go find Zack. Will the strange effect of the night carry over to conversations in person? ]

-Zack.

[ It's not quite a question. ]

[heroproceeding]

[ Not a question. But about what he expects. He's standing by then. He might have been even pacing before Jim walked in. His tablet's in one hand, but he's not looking at it. If anything, he might have just been holding it for some light. He doesn't immediately look Jim's way, but gauging by the way he stiffens, it's impossible for him to have not heard him.

He doesn't look back. ]

Look, I- [ Wasn't trying to hide it? That's a lie. He had been. From them all. He licks his lips. Shakes his head slightly. ] I didn't know how to tell you. Any of you.

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim stares at Zack's back, the way it stiffens, the way he's pacing like something awful is coming.

Jim means to say something that will push him. A question, or a demand, or a reminder of their promise.

The effects of the night overcome him instead: ]

You're scaring me.

[ He rubs a hand over his mouth, wishing he could take it back already. He can't. ]

[heroproceeding]

[ He expects anger. Expects a line of inquiries or a furious interrogation or something.

He doesn't expect that. Jim never admits when he's scared, even when it's written clear on his face. Somehow, that just makes this even more awful. His lips more before he realizes what he's saying. ]

I'm sorry. I'm trying not to, but I..

[ But he is and putting off explaining will make it worse. They'll think the worst of it, Kunsel had said.

Somehow, he can't really think of a worse here.

He steps off, continuing where he likely left off in his pacing but only taking a few slow motion steps in the end as he jogs together what he'll even say. He's still not looking Jim's way. ] I didn't know for sure until Cloud.. Until he showed up again.

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim keep his mouth shut, lips pressed so tight together that a tremor runs through his body after them. It's the only way he can keep some kind of confession, or - something from spilling out of his mouth. The only way to hold on to the vestiges of his walls.

It's impossible to stay totally silent, though, when Zack confirms that it's something from back home. Jim's mouth opens, but the sound's wordless.

Until Cloud showed up. Old fears, about mako and monsters, brought up again by the dream they shared, swirl around Jim's brain. So does the way they were forced back off the cliffside. ]

What -

[ No. ]

What did he tell you?

[ No, no, no. ]

[heroproceeding]

[ He wants to leave- right then and there. He wants to run. Away from the haunted look he's sure has to be on Jim's face and the weight in that question and it feels too soon, too soon-

But it was always going to feel too soon, wasn't it. Like the end of the journey before he'd even given it a chance to start it except he- except he really wanted-

The leather of his gloves protest as he balls hands into tight fists, body rigid like a statue. ]

That it'd been a while. [ It's not fair, not like this. He inhales sharply, lets the last words drop weakly in his exhale. ]

Two years, in fact.

[rattlingthestars]

Two -

[ Jim drops whatever it was he was about to say as he takes three angry strides across the room to pull on Zack's arm and try to force him around. To force him to look at Jim.

This doesn't have to mean what he thinks it does, does it? After all, Zack was in hiding from Kunsel - he could've - something could've happened and - ]

Two years?

[heroproceeding]

[ The anger's still there as he suspects it would be. How could it not? But he doesn't anticipate the way Jim cuts short the space between him nor the hand that grabs at his arm to yank. And it's between that and between the ongoing ache in his bones that Zack twists uncomfortably, staggering. And there's no way to hide the pain in his eyes, raw and exposed like an open wound in his surprise before he has the chance to mask some of it.

Two years.

Two years.

Zack's gaze falls to the floor now as he nods wordlessly. ]

[rattlingthestars]

[ Zack looks up, and Jim thought he wanted to see the look in his eyes - to read the truth there, because the truth was this was all just some kind of misunderstanding - but he didn't.

He wishes he hadn't. ]

Does - did -

[ His mind's moving too fast now. ]

The cliff.

[heroproceeding]

[ He shouldn't feel so surprised when Jim mentions it.

But for some reason, his heart jolts anyway. Still, he can't get himself to raise his head again. Not immediately. Not when he can feel the weight of guilt pressing on his shoulders, almost suffocating.

Zack nods again solemnly. He should be offering more of an explanation, but anything he can think of right then almost sounds like an excuse more than a reason or another piece of the story. But not saying anything else- would Jim just take that as him trying to hide the rest? It feels he's walking on thin ice again and he can't see any way he steps leading to anything good.

But then he'd known it would be like this from the beginning, hadn't he. One of his hands come up to scrub at his face and end up remaining there, covering it with a palm, fingers spreading slowly before he drops it again. ]

He was still out of it back then. I tried to draw them away- take 'em all down.. I was going to go back to him, you know. I didn't-

[rattlingthestars]

[ It shocks Jim, but the first thing he feels is a surge of anger. Not at Zack, but at Cloud - why hadn't he done anything? Why had he lived, when Zack ...

But that was the answer, wasn't it. Zack. There's a sense memory of arms wrapped around Jim, protecting him as they fell. ]

How... if you were gone, how did he survive? He did, didn't he?

[ The other Cloud had been older than the first, not as sick. Two years older. ]

[heroproceeding]

He.. never got around to telling me. [ And then him and Tifa had left- which perhaps in some ways it was better. More ground to cover. More people spread out and more chances to find clues that maybe another group might have otherwise overlooked.

It still hurts. He should have kept in better touch with him. But it'd been two years. Maybe it had been too hard. Maybe it was better to be with someone who was more a constant in his life. He'll never know now. Just as he'll never know about this.

Still.. Zack slowly shakes his head in the end. ] But he lived. I saw him- he was finally awake and he lived and I... [ Zack clenches his fists as he looks away. ] I thought it was enough.

[rattlingthestars]

It's not.

[ Maybe that's harsh. Jim doesn't know. He doesn't really care, either. His heart's pounding too hard for him to stop and really think about what he's saying, so it all comes spilling out. ]

It's not enough, do you hear me?

[ His voice rises and cracks with emotion. ]

It's not enough to save someone else.

DONE

[heroproceeding]

[ It's harsh. It's harsh and it's desperate and it's Jim. And that makes it hurt even more. Because through the anger, he can hear something break in his voice like he's struggling not to come apart. ] Maybe it's not, but it was all I could do. I wasn't about to let him die.

[ Not after all that happened. Not after everything they'd been through. Not after four years waiting, looking for an out to escape, and then another year on the run. If there was at least one thing he could do right...

The first he has to his side trembles now, grip tight. ]

[rattlingthestars]

I don't care!

[ Jim's already come apart, he thinks. It certainly feels like it. He can barely look at Zack now. ]

It's not enough if you leave me, Zack! All those times we talked about getting out of here - all those times we talked about going home -

[ All those times Zack had said you and not us. ]

[heroproceeding]

[ 'I don't care!'

The words make something in him constrict. Makes a flood of anger well up inside where before there had been nothing short of despair and loss and who knows what else and he opens his mouth to say something out of reflex, whirling around to face him. But it never gets a chance to leave his lips and he's left gawking mid-thought as the rest comes tumbling out and all the pieces fall into place.

A new feeling snags at his heart, grasps it tighter than anything he's felt in a long time as it all comes to the surface, naked with truth. There's no denying what he's been omitting. There's no denying what he's been writing off. Jim's seen it plain as day. All the hints were there, but he'd never said anything. Not until now. And Zack's rendered speechless now for very different reasons, mouth closing and the hand that had started to raise and reach starts to fall before it pauses in mid-air.

'-not enough if you leave me-'

Zack reaches just a little further though he dares not put his hand on his shoulder right then, bright mako eyes searching. His voice carries more carefully than it's been in a long time. ]

Do you seriously think I'd want to leave you?

[rattlingthestars]

[ The words echo around in Jim's head, his aching heart, all the way down in his bones. Leave me, because that's it, isn't it? What he's afraid of deep down, the pit at the bottom of him no matter how much warmth and light he tries to fill it with. The knowledge that he could wake up one day and find he hadn't been good enough to keep them by his side.

To keep them alive, in Zack's case.

And Jim knows Zack doesn't want to. For all his friend can be boneheaded and too self-sacrificial by half, Jim knows he doesn't want to die. But he's been in Zack's head and he knows more than he wants to about some things. ]

I think... I think you think it'd be enough, for the three of us to make it out.

[heroproceeding]

[ Zack opens his mouth to say something immediately afterward. Closes it in the end. And then he's ducking his head as he breathes out a sigh. Because he knows Jim hit the nail right on the head. Dead on. No doubt. It's hard not to, he supposes. There's so much they've been through. So much he knows, even if sometimes Zack wishes he didn't know. All those things... It's not hard to put it all together and he's always been good at tinkering with puzzles around there... This is just one puzzle...

Taking a deep breath, he places an unsteady hand finally on Jim's shoulder. Even if he doesn't look up just yet. ]

Because if that's how things turn out to be, then it's gonna have to be enough, whether I like it or not.

[rattlingthestars]

It's -

[ The hand lands heavily on Jim's shoulder, weighing him down and grounding him all at once. ]

- never going to be enough. And it's not happening.

[ An unusual certainty has emerged from somewhere deep in Jim. Later he'll break down and spill all his worry, but right now - right now, this is something else he knows. ]

You're not going to throw your life away or - or give up 'cause you think you've already had your shot. It's all four of us or not at all.

[heroproceeding]

[ Stubborn. He's so damn stubborn. But why wouldn't he be? Like hell he'd want him to die. Just like hell he'd want to die. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it? That's what this all comes down to in the end. But the more Jim talks, the more something else carries against the ebb and flow of his own emotional weight, pulling and strangling at his heart until his grip is tightening on that shoulder perhaps tighter than he means it.

He lifts his head suddenly, eyes snapping open. ] I'm not giving up! Like hell I'd ever! But I can't do anything about it if that's what it ends up being, Jim! No matter how much I want-!

[ He cuts himself off abruptly, like the air's suddenly all gone out of his lungs. Cuts off and his jaw goes taunt with clenched teeth and he has to shut his eyes tight. ]

[rattlingthestars]

If it comes down to - to you and someone else, to you and any of us -

[ The breath catches in Jim's lungs, because he can't help but imagine that. Imagine the choices they'd have to make, the decisions they'd have to live with. ]

- If you think you're already screwed - or that your life matters less -

[heroproceeding]

[ He can hear it. Hear Jim's thoughts scrambling and swirling in the way his words trip up and cut out. Can feel the tension rising even more with anger and resilience and everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong.

And it hurts. It hurts more than a shot to the head or a bite to the leg from a behemoth and a hundred other things he's gone through as a SOLDIER. He would rather face all that again than this because at the end of it, he can hear the voice beneath and what it's really saying. Denial, denial, denial.

And yet with that denial, there's still accusation and that's what gets Zack's eyes to open again and while he isn't shouting anymore, there's a certain rigid, unwavering tone to him. One that rises as he continues. ]

If it's between my life and someone else's, if there's no other way out of it, then yeah, that's how it's gonna be. That's my choice. It's not about duty or giving up or throwing my life away. It's because I love you!

[ He pauses then, almost as if just realizing right then how loud he's gotten. Or maybe just how much he's really said. But it's only in brief before his hand lessens its grip that had grown tight once more on Jim's shoulder, head tilting as the lines of stress dissolve and soften into something forlorn. ]

You, Zell, Kunsel.. You mean everything to me. And if there's anything I want out of this hell hole, it's to make sure you get out of here, no matter what.

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim looks like he's ready to shout Zack down, if he has to, again and again until he gets it. Until he gets that Jim isn't going to let him sacrifice himself, isn't going to let him be a hero or whatever it is his friends all seem to need to be. If it came down to someone trading their life for him, Jim would rather go down fighting.

He's going to tell Zack that. He's going to -

- to -

Because I love you.

All the fight goes out of him, and Jim sags and seems to tremble under it. There'd been a thousand unspoken moments, but the words feel like an embrace and a punch to the gut all at once. Zack means it, he thinks, and isn't it the kicker that he's going to be left in the end anyway?

Jim loses the battle with his emotions, and when he releases them it's outward because he can't handle anything else right now. He lets out a wordless noise of anger and shoves - shoves and then grabs Zack by the lapels of his coat, holding him there and then just holding on. ]

We love you too, you idiot.