snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

Do any of ya have a really bad ex?

[the video is blurry, plainly in a different location than harley's last. she's in a deflated bean bag chair, surrounded by books; it looks almost as though she's built a fortress around herself. she's scrubbed off her makeup, though some of it remains on her face; her domino mask has been tossed to the side. her blue eyes are wide, and her knees are pulled to her chest. she hates feeling compelled to share things that are so private, but it's not like the world doesn't know, anyway.]

Not, like, the kind that dumped ya and ya were real broken up about it...the kind that owned ya. Body n' soul. N' no matter what he did, ya would always go back to him, no matter what. Because he pushes that button inside'a ya, the same one that attracts some people ta drugs and booze. My name is Harley, and I'm an addict.

[she chuckles, albeit humorlessly.]

But, yanno, it's not him that I'm scared of. I can handle Puddin', yanno? I've tried ta kill 'im almost as much as he's tried ta kill me. It ain't a one-way street, even if he's the one who always hits first. Maybe it's too psych-student of me ta say, but I think I'm really just scared of myself. Of the fact that I don't super care if he kills me, or how it hurts my other friends n' relationships. I'm pretty dumb, I guess. But it's scary how much I gotta hate myself ta keep shackin' up with the Joker.

[Alfie is aware, in a distant way, that he doesn't actually want to be doing this. The thing is, that doesn't actually matter. He wants to talk just as much as he doesn't want to, and it's the wanting that drives him to switch on his tablet.]

I didn't fear death much at home. In the war, yeah, sometimes; that was different. But in my office with another man, both of us with our guns out and pointed in each other's faces - I fucking enjoyed that. But I fear dying slowly here, inside and out. I fear living without hope of ever going home. My home, my neighborhood - I can't properly describe it to the people here, because I believe a good number of you, from what I've heard of your lives, have never truly belonged anywhere like that, and haven't got any comparable experiences to relate it to. And if we do make it home by some fucking miracle, I hope I lose all my memories of this place, because I fear it will taint me forever if I don't. I was saved from the war getting too deep under my skin. I don't know that I'd be so lucky with Norfinbury.

[He pauses to shift around a little, deeply uncomfortable, and then he continues.]

Royce is the closest thing I've got here to a brother here. I truly don't know what I'd do here without him. I've resigned myself to the idea that Watson's gonna lead himself to a bad end. Kesara's dead, that brilliant girl. Marvelous girl. Did more than most of the rest of us put together, she did. House comes back, the Joker comes back, but not her. And Fiona-- I kissed her. Died. Came back, and she was gone.

And Tifa and Emily.

[He almost doesn't say any more than that. He feels like he doesn't need to - their names alone are synonymous with fear and missing right now.]

Yeah. That little girl, she died in my arms. She told me it was all right, because she believed they would come back, and we would go pick them up. But it's been four days, now.

I still hear her voice.

[House can't help himself. He hates what he's typing, but his fingers keep moving and he sends the text.]

i am the bad ex most of the time
i get my best friend's girlfriend murdered in the future
i almost cost him his job more than once
and he still comes back to me

i'm selfish
i'm miserable
i won't stop him

you need someone to keep you the hell away from the joker, kid

[And oh, god why the hell did he write any of that? Why didn't he make it private first, at least? It itches under his skin and tears at House, but he can't help checking for a response.]

i don't want to come back
they should

[ He's not even sure why he wants to share or what this would do. How is anyone going to take what he's about to share? ]

I don't think I'll ever be good enough
I wasn't the easiest kid growing up
probably won't ever make her proud
Hell, people didn't believe I would make SeeD.
I don't even know if I made Seed.
I can't even remember now. It's gone.
I'm afraid of losing more memories.
Afraid of losing him. I still see it in my dreams. That monster wrapping around him and both of them vanishing into the snow
I can't
I don't know how much longer I can keep going
I can't do anything for anyone here

If I thought I could switch your places, I'd hunt you down and kill you immediately.

i'd let you
but try to take you down with me

Two against one.

[Because in this hypothetical situation where killing House would bring the girls back, he knows Royce would be on board.]

[she sees a reply in text, and feels the urge to write more. oh, geez, this is miserable. talk about word vomit.]

it's hard to stay away from someone when u know ur worthless without them. maybe that's how your friend feels, too

i had fun with mr j, u know? an bein with someone is always better than being alone, especially when ur as pathetic as me

i'm solo now though. not even ivy's around to help. and that's my fault, i told her 2 go, that i was ready to be by myself. but i'm not. i was self-sufficient until i met him, and now i ain't got nothing anymore

i'm pathetic

i hate you

[He's said it to Alfie before. The next part is new, but probably not unexpected.]

i hope you get stuck here with him and everyone else gets out

I could not care less what you think of me. I don't regret a single thing I've done to you.

[He does regret a few of the circumstances, but hey, there's no compulsion for full truth-telling here.]

I feel like there's a pretty good chance I'm gonna drive everyone away. Hell, maybe even Angel one of these days. Then he's all I have left, just like he said. Is that a self-fulfilling prophecy, o-or... crap, Iunno, something similar.

[ Full video, folks. This one-armed, one-eyed man is is bad need of a trim. And a bath, and some ice cream, but that's just about everyone in Snowhell, isn't it? ]

Like -- like Fiona, like what happened with her. I'm not - forgiveness is off the table, I've accepted that, I just want her to be alive and happy. I'm afraid that'll never happen for her now.

B-but I still have people here, it's just... eventually, the people I respect -- [ You know who you are. ] - when are they gonna stop giving me chances? I should've struck out a long time ago with a lot of you. I'm scared of how desperate I might get.

[ Rhys pauses to cough into his filthy sleeve. The turquoise fabric has faded considerably. ]

I just want people to like me. And... to stop dying, b-but that - th-that's kind of a given.

what i think doesn't change the fact that you deserve this place
i want you to get so close
to almost get out
and fail
i want you to suffer for the rest of whatever miserable life you have left
i want you to keep hearing her voice
and i want it to kill you inside every time

It does.

[And that does tumble out without him wanting it to. He needs to turn off the tablet.

But he can't. He needs to talk about them.]

I'm not your fucking father, House.

It wasn't off the table. Not completely.

You think...?

Fear.

In my world, the Madness of Fear is slowly overwhelming the entire planet. Asura's soul wavelength will eventually drive everything on the planet insane as they attempt to rid themselves of fear and lose their reason in the process.

I'll be the first to go. I've already started to lose myself back home, and here hasn't been any better.

More importantly, when I go I'll take out the people around me. People I've made the mistake of getting close to, people I have grown to care about despite being the sort of person who should never be allowed to care about anyone.

It's frightening.

But I've allowed myself to be controlled by fear for a very long time. It's the absence of fear that really terrifies me. One day, I won't be scared of anything and I'll be free to do whatever I desire. Have you ever considered it? Have you ever considered that you might also be the sort of person who's so terrified of your own desires that you willingly put yourself on a leash?

Yeah. If you got your fucking act together, yeah.

But she's still dead.

I'm not usually afraid of much. Comes with the territory, I guess. There's always some timeline out there that will have succeeded. And any failure I have will probably help make it happen.

At least, that's how it's been for a while. But what pisses me off about this place is how the rules don't apply. Logic doesn't apply. Every way I'm used to solving problems with and it all feels so useless. I can't even trust my own memories.

I'm not what this place needs. Sigma is. He'd keep trying, even if it was pointless, stupid. He wouldn't give up.

And I don't even know if I'm going to see him again.

[And then, a minute or two later, almost as an afterthought.]

And I really can't say I've looked forward to people teasing me about being a redhead again. It was so stupid the first time.

yeah
you are

[Look, he's also a blunt asshole.]

i am, too
he can live without me
he's self-sufficient
i need him more than he needs me

survey says it's probably the same for you and "mr j"
doubt he'll admit it
and he's got the whole whackjob thing going for him
but he keeps pulling you back
it's because he needs you for something
and you don't actually need him as much as you think you do

I'm aware, Alfie.

[ Still, he flinches. ]

Killing the Joker didn't help. There's no such thing as closure here, is there.

I know it probably doesn't mean much, but I like you. I don't see that chang-

[ There is a pause as something clicks. Crossing his arms as he looks at Rhys. ]

He's all you have left? He who?

No.

[Absolutely not.]

I think I used to be afraid of dying. Everyone always expected me to die at the drop of a hat, and I almost did a handful of times. Everyone was always waiting for me to die. Not that they wanted me to, but they thought it was inevitable. "He's so weak," they said. "He'll never last. He can't make it."

"He's so weak, he can't do anything worthwhile. Won't amount to anything."

At some point I got afraid I'd prove them right. Men only make a difference if they're big and strong. I wanted to show them how wrong they were. That I was just as strong and could make just as much of a difference. There are so many guys who have everything handed to them on a silver platter. Then they use that to spit in the faces of people who don't have it so good. They use their strength to pick on people who can't fight back.

So I started fighting back.

But it's never enough. Yeah, I'm scared I'm not enough to make a difference. That I won't be the right man for the job. That I'll fail. That I won't be able to help people.

I'm really afraid I'm going to lose Bucky. That he'll push me away. Maybe I can't help, but I'm afraid he won't let me try. Or just be there. Be a friend.

I'm afraid of losing my friend.

holy shit i am scared of puppets
you ever been eaten by a puppet because that thing just fuckin rolled right off the roof like it was waiting for me all night
and i cant stop thinking about it
how its godawful puppet mouth just slammed to the earth and
i think it ate me
i passed out as soon as it got its gross noodly puppet limbs on me but i dont know what else happened
karkat dude if youre reading is that what went down
fuck i hope you and meow mix didnt get killed too
kinda wondering if its up there on the roof again now waiting to drop down on me once morning comes
kind of sick of morgues too while im at it
and
uh
of dying
sure fucking hope i dont die again
i mean jesus wasnt three times enough
wasnt once enough
first time was pretty fucking bad
just sitting out there in the snow feeling like youre dying already
because you dont want to die in front of your friend
who i was also convinced was a hallucination from my brain glitching the fuck out during the staticky sprite death throes
like is there an expiration date on this
im a walking paradox right
i shouldnt exist
john died before he could push the slime baby buttons and yet ive been floating around for years
so it kind of felt like paradox space was finally closing the lid on the inevitable there
but then i came back and norfinbury was real
unless its not real
am i real
jesus
can i go back to talking about puppets now
wait a minute why am i saying any of this
is that my loss
can i just not shut my stupid mouth anymore
the puppet thing was bad enough
i dont want to talk about puppets
or dying
except now im feeling like im going to even if i dont want to
puppets just lead into lil cal and lil cal leads into bro
and i keep worrying that maybe people are right about him
and that im not actually sure how i feel about him
what does that mean
i dont want to think about it i dont want to think about any of this stuff
wasnt dying enough
just if im going to keep dying maybe people should keep away from me
i already got clint killed i dont need to drag anyone else down like that
i want to delete this but i cant even get my dumb fingers to do that
fuck
whatever time to pray everybody tl;drs it
though im kind of hoping someone can tell me how long i was dead
hope it wasnt too long
i mean how much time have we got left anyway
i already feel like im not doing enough
like i CANT do enough
even if we get to the end theres no guarantee we can go back and live
because how is time going to take it after weve been here
time just never plays nice with things that mess it up in my experience

Edited 2017-03-12 06:42 (UTC)

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

@harleyquinnxoxo ; video [cw: self-loathing, partner abuse, drug/alc ment.]

@ASolomons; audio

@hotstud_xxx; text

@hotstud_xxx; text (cw: suicidal ideations)

@zd; text (May contain mentions of self sacrifice and death)

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the dissonance between house's username and the message is astounding

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@dickcheese, video; [cw abuse discussion inevitable]

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@ASolomons; audio

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@dissect, text

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@expostfacto; text

best username for srs conversations /o/

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@zd; video

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@steverogers; text

@featherydouche; text (cw: existentialism, death, Bro stuff relates to abuse if asked about)