snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[ Normally, he'd never say these things, yeah. Normally, nothing like this would have ever happened this way. Or at least he would have done his best to prevent it. But it's out in the open now. He can't erase it. Jim's already seen it and that had been painfully regretful in it of itself. The next blow lies with Zell. It's softened only knowing that Zell has been suspicious for a while. He's known Zack doesn't think he has a future. Spelled it out pretty evenly the one day.

Doesn't really make it any easier in the end.

Touching on the other side of the coin, the more manageable side at the moment, almost would have been a relief if not for knowing what all they know now and how much this probably is weighing on them. But it's a distraction to a different conversation they could be having, so he takes it. ]

...It's worse than it was before. Keeps me up at night. John gave me some pain killers... but I've run out lately.

[ It still stings to admit it. Another thing he knows he should have told them but didn't. ]

I didn't want you guys to worry. There's already so much we gotta deal with.

[ He honestly feels pretty frustrated. He pretty sure it has to do all the secrets and not wanting people to worry shit going on. ]

Already so much we gotta deal with my ass. [ Huff as he starts to pace, his feet falling hard on the floor as he moves back and forth. ]

We're supposed to be a team, Zack. We can't be a team if we keep hiding things from each other. I have stuff you can use.

I was managing it before, alright? I was doing fine for a while. This place was messing with you as it was. Know we've lost a lot of people lately. I just-

[ He just- can't really blame him for being mad in the end. He had told them he'd tell them. He can't keep them out of the loop. ]

Sorry, but it really was only a few days ago I ran out. I.. was gonna say something if I couldn't handle it anymore.

Edited (durp. typo >we've) 2017-03-17 01:56 (UTC)

Managing still isn't trusting us. Try leaning on us from time to time, man. It's a hell lot better than finding things out too late.

[ Breathing out a loud huff. ]

Look, I know you want to keep being strong for us, but it hurts us when you don't let us in. We want to help you, Zack.

I know- I know. It's stupid and I know it's stupid and I know I gotta stop 'cause I know it makes you worry more when you do catch on.

[ Keeps saying he will. Over and over like a broken record. A record without as much follow through as they'd like and they've all rights to be mad at him. Zack runs his hand through his hair again, words sneaking from the tip of his tongue before he can rein them in. ]

But what use am I to you guys if I can't deal with even the smallest things?

[ Not about trust. ]

[ It's not even the first time and there is something about Zack's words that bother him. When you do catch on. Smallest things. His mind latches on the latter. ]

That's the thing, Zack. It's not the smallest of things. Would it be small to you if Kunsel was in pain? What about Jim or Al? If they were in pain or something wrong and you can actually help, then you would do your best to help. You'll make sure they are okay.

[ And now he's pausing before continuing. ] You don't need to keep piling it all on your shoulders. You don't need to stand in front of all the bullets this time-

[ Zack can probably hear the hand slapping over his mouth immediately. Shit. His mouth kept going thanks to whatever the hell is happening tonight. Shit shit shit. He's already looking around to see if anyone heard him, but it's not like they are in a place with a lot of people. Just them and Jim. ]

[ It wouldn't be small, no. Not really. Not if it was anyone else. He can't deny that. Is just about to say as much. But then he doesn't.

Because then Zell says that and he can hear the crack of his hand covering his mouth, alright, and Zack's heart skips a beat. Zell's known for a while. It's nothing new. Him and Kunsel for that matter. But hearing it aloud from someone else just makes it all the more real, makes that sick feeling in him swim worse than it has in a while. But it also draws that tension taunt and- ]

Better me than you.

[ The words form on his lips and are out in the open before he even realizes he said it. But it's there now, plain as day. He can't take them back. So, he curses softly to himself instead. ]

[ He keeps his hand over his mouth. It's not like he can do anything about it. It's all out and laid barren for anyone in this frickin' place to see or hear.

It's the next words out of Zack's mouth that has the frustration back. His hand drops to his side as he feels everything tensing. ]

That's not your call to make.

[ Pacing again. ]

We're a team. How do you any of us would feel if you died again? Kunsel? Jim? Anyone? The admin gave you a frickin' second chance. You can do so much more for people by staying alive, Zack.

[ Instead of already expecting it to be over and done with before even trying. Instead of writing himself as not getting a future along side anyone. ]

I already made that call!

[ Out before he can even stop himself, there's that confession. And he swears sharply afterward because no one else needs to know this. No one needs to hear this at all. No one but-

He cuts his side of the video, audio and all. Cuts it and he's already trying to find Zell in the building because no matter how much he doesn't like the turn of this conversation, he doesn't like it anymore leaving it as it is. It doesn't stop him from pausing at the doorway when he finally does locate him, but he's there. There and frowning at the floor. By then at least, he's.. He hasn't lost the tightness to his posture perhaps, but he's at least been given just a little breathing room to think on what Zell said. To say something with a softer tone than before. ]

It's not that I'm sayin' I wanna die, Zell. I don't. But... I already have. I already made that call half a year ago.

Edited 2017-04-11 23:00 (UTC)

[ He's cut off before he could respond. Tablet gets tossed and he can hear it bounce on the floor before it finally stops. He'll looks for in a moment, he just needs a second to calm down.

When Zack fines him, he's posed to go up against an invisible opponent. He looks at Zack before he bounces on his feet to keep himself moving as he listens. ]

But you are alive, Zack! You're alive now! They. [Punshing with his right. ] Brought. [ Bringing it back in and using the momentum to punch with his left. ] You. [ Right again, but this time he points at Zack. ] Back. [ Now pausing to gesture around. ] They successfully brought you back and fixed it all. [ Just waving his arm before he gets back to his shadow opponent. ] You aren't going to die when you leave this place. That doesn't make any sense.

And how do you know that, Zell? How do you know these nanomachines don't just have me on life support and the moment I'm gone and back, I croak?

[ His luck's just not that good. Not anymore. It's been getting worse and worse as years have gone by and in the end, no matter what he's done all in the name of SOLDIER honor... Zack shakes his head sharply as he ends up leaning against the doorway. ] There's always something we can't see about this town. This isn't any different. I don't think it's that simple.

Edited 2017-05-11 16:09 (UTC)

Because Steph asked! She talked to the admin and was told no one is dead. Not the people in the morgue and not the people brought here! The nanites fixed it all!

[ Like magic! A cure spell and a phoenix down that fixed it all but in the form of little tiny machines. It made sense to Zell. It had to make sense to Zell considering Jim was suffocated by a monster and Zack was covered with bullet scars. ]

It can be that simple. Marching forward with the belief you will die at the end of this and not get another adventure after this isn't fair! It's not fair to you or Kunsel or Jim or anyone.

Since when was anything supposed to be fair! This place sure doesn't give a shit!

[ Anger trails those words, making him clench his fists tight at his sides and he's almost tempted to hit a wall or overturn some furniture, but neither will do any good. And neither will help. None of this is helping, is it. No, it's just making things worse. And even for as hotly as those words come, he's not stupid. Him or Kunsel or Jim. There's a specific reason for those words. At least that's what he thinks.

Maybe it's simply because it's what he's thought about, too. That maybe that kind of thing will also apply to them as well. That maybe they're only on life support, too, from these nanomachines, but only until the town's been saved. Maybe they won't be able to-

Zack takes in a shaky breath, looking away. Just because he's running away with that thought, doesn't mean he has to put it in Zell's head, too. ]

But maybe... Maybe you're right.

You're already writing yourself off without even trying!

[ Zack. The one who's been stubborn about so many other things and hellbent on getting everyone else back. Zack, the one who would tell others they will make it to the end. They will get home! Discounting himself from it all of this time. All the plans they made, dreams they had... ]

What about your dream? What about striving for more?

[Maybe you're right. It doesn't really set in Zack is cooling off or relenting in his direction. There's something else that's making it hard for Zell to swallow back the tide of emotion. ]

What would that mean for anyone else who died? What would that mean to anyone else who died here? If you're saying there is no hope for you, the you're saying there is none for Jim, Hiro, Angel, or anyone else. You're giving up on all of them.

Zell.

[ His tone's a sharp warning and maybe at first it seems like the anger's back, that they're onto another argument. But Zack's eyes are on the closest doorway. It's one thing for them to have this conversation. It's one thing for him to think of that or Zell. Even Kunsel- because Kunsel went into SOLDIER knowing it might one day cost his life, too.

But Jim... If Jim were to hear this... Zack's frown doesn't dissipate as his gaze returns to his friend, his voice lowering to something quiet but firm. There's something different to his tone this time though. Something forlorn. Almost longing. ]

I don't want that for them and I don't want that for me either. And I'm not writing myself off either 'cause if that was the case, I would'a given up and let myself die here already. I haven't- at least not without purpose, but that sure as hell wasn't planned, you know? You really think I want it to be that way?

Edited 2017-06-11 02:08 (UTC)

[ Zell realizes what Zack might be warning about. His gaze follows to the door and he makes a sound as he lowers his voice ]

You already decided you were going to hide this from everyone and make sure we, not you, get out. How is that not writing yourself off?

[ He remembers the conversations and Zack sharing doing his all for Cloud. All those wounds... he can already out the pieces together to figure out what was Zack's last stand. It explains so much as everything falls into place. ]

We'll find a way. Find a way to get us all out of here alive. [ He's leaving the even you unsaid, but it should be obvious from how he waves his hand and looks at Zack. ] You still have dreams and things to do after this.

[ There's so many answers he can feel riding at the top of his tongue. So many reasons why- but nothing seems like enough anymore. Nothing. Or maybe he just doesn't want it to be enough. Maybe it's better off unanswered. There's so much Zell has fiercely denied before.

Zack just hopes this time- this time he'd be right to. That he's right, here and now. But even holding onto that thought, it doesn't change the look in Zack's eyes as he finally goes from looking off to the side to looking back at Zell. ] ..Never said I didn't. But if I made it out of here without even one of you, I'd never forgive myself.

That's what it sounds like, Zack. It sounds like you're okay so long as everyone else makes it.

[ Running his hands through his hair to muss it up as he tries to calm down. He's mad at a lot of things, and this whole situation doesn't sit right. Nothing about any of this sits right. ]

We'll find a way for all us to make it. Even if one of us wind up at the morgue, we'll get to the center and fix all of this. All four of us will make it.

[ In a way, it almost feels ironic listening to Zell. Zell talking about everyone, no matter what. Zell talking like it'd be that easy. In some ways, it's like looking himself in a mirror when he was younger. Younger and stubborn and so very confident that if he just did the right things, if he just kept pushing forward, then he would definitely get everyone through and definitely complete the mission, no sweat. No sweat, no problem.

When he became this jaded, he doesn't know. But he can't shake that feeling, no matter how much Zell seems to reassure as much as he seems to plea to himself that that will be what it will really be. And maybe that's what Zell needs at the end of this conversation. Maybe not what Zack, himself, needs, but thinking on Zell's terms...

Zack takes a deep breath before letting it out slowly before walking over and carefully wrapping his arms around his friend. ] I hope you're right, Zell. And I'm sorry- for hiding this from you.

[ He puts a hand on Zack's back, relishing in the token of comfort for a moment. Then he's shaking his head. ]

It's not just me. I'm worried about Jim. If anyone deserves the truth, it's him.

[ He still thinks about the time when they first met up and how he could see the shift in their relationship. How they fought and it took Jim dying to mend it. They both have come a long way since then, but the worry is still there. Gripping Zack's shoulder. ]

We'll take it one step at a time, right?

[ He wants to say he already knows. That he already took it just about as well as Zell did. But Zell will find out in due time, won't he. And in the end, that's something.. something Zack's going to have to work on mending or at least finding a way past this with Jim. Just as he had to work this through with Zell, too. And Kunsel, too, soon enough. He doubts this will be the end of conversations about this. That this will probably haunt them all until the end.

But... Gently, he gives Zell a squeeze. ]

Right... One- One step at a time. [ It's easier than thinking of the worst case scenario. Easier than weighing more ugly feelings on his heart. There's already enough ugly feelings to go around. Why add to it? ] In the meantime.. I'm gonna take what time I have here. Live in the present.

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

audio; @dreamsnhonor

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Kunsel might protest it's the smallest thing if you know what i mean ;D

dfopiuhfdg THAT'S TERRIBLE

you could even say is unfair

sofuhsd awful

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ROAR

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