snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[ He expects anger. Expects a line of inquiries or a furious interrogation or something.

He doesn't expect that. Jim never admits when he's scared, even when it's written clear on his face. Somehow, that just makes this even more awful. His lips more before he realizes what he's saying. ]

I'm sorry. I'm trying not to, but I..

[ But he is and putting off explaining will make it worse. They'll think the worst of it, Kunsel had said.

Somehow, he can't really think of a worse here.

He steps off, continuing where he likely left off in his pacing but only taking a few slow motion steps in the end as he jogs together what he'll even say. He's still not looking Jim's way. ] I didn't know for sure until Cloud.. Until he showed up again.

[ Jim keep his mouth shut, lips pressed so tight together that a tremor runs through his body after them. It's the only way he can keep some kind of confession, or - something from spilling out of his mouth. The only way to hold on to the vestiges of his walls.

It's impossible to stay totally silent, though, when Zack confirms that it's something from back home. Jim's mouth opens, but the sound's wordless.

Until Cloud showed up. Old fears, about mako and monsters, brought up again by the dream they shared, swirl around Jim's brain. So does the way they were forced back off the cliffside. ]

What -

[ No. ]

What did he tell you?

[ No, no, no. ]

Edited 2017-03-31 07:45 (UTC)

[ He wants to leave- right then and there. He wants to run. Away from the haunted look he's sure has to be on Jim's face and the weight in that question and it feels too soon, too soon-

But it was always going to feel too soon, wasn't it. Like the end of the journey before he'd even given it a chance to start it except he- except he really wanted-

The leather of his gloves protest as he balls hands into tight fists, body rigid like a statue. ]

That it'd been a while. [ It's not fair, not like this. He inhales sharply, lets the last words drop weakly in his exhale. ]

Two years, in fact.

Two -

[ Jim drops whatever it was he was about to say as he takes three angry strides across the room to pull on Zack's arm and try to force him around. To force him to look at Jim.

This doesn't have to mean what he thinks it does, does it? After all, Zack was in hiding from Kunsel - he could've - something could've happened and - ]

Two years?

[ The anger's still there as he suspects it would be. How could it not? But he doesn't anticipate the way Jim cuts short the space between him nor the hand that grabs at his arm to yank. And it's between that and between the ongoing ache in his bones that Zack twists uncomfortably, staggering. And there's no way to hide the pain in his eyes, raw and exposed like an open wound in his surprise before he has the chance to mask some of it.

Two years.

Two years.

Zack's gaze falls to the floor now as he nods wordlessly. ]

Edited 2017-04-12 15:09 (UTC)

[ Zack looks up, and Jim thought he wanted to see the look in his eyes - to read the truth there, because the truth was this was all just some kind of misunderstanding - but he didn't.

He wishes he hadn't. ]

Does - did -

[ His mind's moving too fast now. ]

The cliff.

[ He shouldn't feel so surprised when Jim mentions it.

But for some reason, his heart jolts anyway. Still, he can't get himself to raise his head again. Not immediately. Not when he can feel the weight of guilt pressing on his shoulders, almost suffocating.

Zack nods again solemnly. He should be offering more of an explanation, but anything he can think of right then almost sounds like an excuse more than a reason or another piece of the story. But not saying anything else- would Jim just take that as him trying to hide the rest? It feels he's walking on thin ice again and he can't see any way he steps leading to anything good.

But then he'd known it would be like this from the beginning, hadn't he. One of his hands come up to scrub at his face and end up remaining there, covering it with a palm, fingers spreading slowly before he drops it again. ]

He was still out of it back then. I tried to draw them away- take 'em all down.. I was going to go back to him, you know. I didn't-

[ It shocks Jim, but the first thing he feels is a surge of anger. Not at Zack, but at Cloud - why hadn't he done anything? Why had he lived, when Zack ...

But that was the answer, wasn't it. Zack. There's a sense memory of arms wrapped around Jim, protecting him as they fell. ]

How... if you were gone, how did he survive? He did, didn't he?

[ The other Cloud had been older than the first, not as sick. Two years older. ]

He.. never got around to telling me. [ And then him and Tifa had left- which perhaps in some ways it was better. More ground to cover. More people spread out and more chances to find clues that maybe another group might have otherwise overlooked.

It still hurts. He should have kept in better touch with him. But it'd been two years. Maybe it had been too hard. Maybe it was better to be with someone who was more a constant in his life. He'll never know now. Just as he'll never know about this.

Still.. Zack slowly shakes his head in the end. ] But he lived. I saw him- he was finally awake and he lived and I... [ Zack clenches his fists as he looks away. ] I thought it was enough.

It's not.

[ Maybe that's harsh. Jim doesn't know. He doesn't really care, either. His heart's pounding too hard for him to stop and really think about what he's saying, so it all comes spilling out. ]

It's not enough, do you hear me?

[ His voice rises and cracks with emotion. ]

It's not enough to save someone else.

[ It's harsh. It's harsh and it's desperate and it's Jim. And that makes it hurt even more. Because through the anger, he can hear something break in his voice like he's struggling not to come apart. ] Maybe it's not, but it was all I could do. I wasn't about to let him die.

[ Not after all that happened. Not after everything they'd been through. Not after four years waiting, looking for an out to escape, and then another year on the run. If there was at least one thing he could do right...

The first he has to his side trembles now, grip tight. ]

Edited (damn it, html) 2017-05-12 13:28 (UTC)

I don't care!

[ Jim's already come apart, he thinks. It certainly feels like it. He can barely look at Zack now. ]

It's not enough if you leave me, Zack! All those times we talked about getting out of here - all those times we talked about going home -

[ All those times Zack had said you and not us. ]

[ 'I don't care!'

The words make something in him constrict. Makes a flood of anger well up inside where before there had been nothing short of despair and loss and who knows what else and he opens his mouth to say something out of reflex, whirling around to face him. But it never gets a chance to leave his lips and he's left gawking mid-thought as the rest comes tumbling out and all the pieces fall into place.

A new feeling snags at his heart, grasps it tighter than anything he's felt in a long time as it all comes to the surface, naked with truth. There's no denying what he's been omitting. There's no denying what he's been writing off. Jim's seen it plain as day. All the hints were there, but he'd never said anything. Not until now. And Zack's rendered speechless now for very different reasons, mouth closing and the hand that had started to raise and reach starts to fall before it pauses in mid-air.

'-not enough if you leave me-'

Zack reaches just a little further though he dares not put his hand on his shoulder right then, bright mako eyes searching. His voice carries more carefully than it's been in a long time. ]

Do you seriously think I'd want to leave you?

Edited (just deborking some wonky writing, but nothing has changed as a whole) 2017-05-13 12:48 (UTC)

[ The words echo around in Jim's head, his aching heart, all the way down in his bones. Leave me, because that's it, isn't it? What he's afraid of deep down, the pit at the bottom of him no matter how much warmth and light he tries to fill it with. The knowledge that he could wake up one day and find he hadn't been good enough to keep them by his side.

To keep them alive, in Zack's case.

And Jim knows Zack doesn't want to. For all his friend can be boneheaded and too self-sacrificial by half, Jim knows he doesn't want to die. But he's been in Zack's head and he knows more than he wants to about some things. ]

I think... I think you think it'd be enough, for the three of us to make it out.

[ Zack opens his mouth to say something immediately afterward. Closes it in the end. And then he's ducking his head as he breathes out a sigh. Because he knows Jim hit the nail right on the head. Dead on. No doubt. It's hard not to, he supposes. There's so much they've been through. So much he knows, even if sometimes Zack wishes he didn't know. All those things... It's not hard to put it all together and he's always been good at tinkering with puzzles around there... This is just one puzzle...

Taking a deep breath, he places an unsteady hand finally on Jim's shoulder. Even if he doesn't look up just yet. ]

Because if that's how things turn out to be, then it's gonna have to be enough, whether I like it or not.

It's -

[ The hand lands heavily on Jim's shoulder, weighing him down and grounding him all at once. ]

- never going to be enough. And it's not happening.

[ An unusual certainty has emerged from somewhere deep in Jim. Later he'll break down and spill all his worry, but right now - right now, this is something else he knows. ]

You're not going to throw your life away or - or give up 'cause you think you've already had your shot. It's all four of us or not at all.

[ Stubborn. He's so damn stubborn. But why wouldn't he be? Like hell he'd want him to die. Just like hell he'd want to die. That's what it comes down to, doesn't it? That's what this all comes down to in the end. But the more Jim talks, the more something else carries against the ebb and flow of his own emotional weight, pulling and strangling at his heart until his grip is tightening on that shoulder perhaps tighter than he means it.

He lifts his head suddenly, eyes snapping open. ] I'm not giving up! Like hell I'd ever! But I can't do anything about it if that's what it ends up being, Jim! No matter how much I want-!

[ He cuts himself off abruptly, like the air's suddenly all gone out of his lungs. Cuts off and his jaw goes taunt with clenched teeth and he has to shut his eyes tight. ]

If it comes down to - to you and someone else, to you and any of us -

[ The breath catches in Jim's lungs, because he can't help but imagine that. Imagine the choices they'd have to make, the decisions they'd have to live with. ]

- If you think you're already screwed - or that your life matters less -

[ He can hear it. Hear Jim's thoughts scrambling and swirling in the way his words trip up and cut out. Can feel the tension rising even more with anger and resilience and everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong.

And it hurts. It hurts more than a shot to the head or a bite to the leg from a behemoth and a hundred other things he's gone through as a SOLDIER. He would rather face all that again than this because at the end of it, he can hear the voice beneath and what it's really saying. Denial, denial, denial.

And yet with that denial, there's still accusation and that's what gets Zack's eyes to open again and while he isn't shouting anymore, there's a certain rigid, unwavering tone to him. One that rises as he continues. ]

If it's between my life and someone else's, if there's no other way out of it, then yeah, that's how it's gonna be. That's my choice. It's not about duty or giving up or throwing my life away. It's because I love you!

[ He pauses then, almost as if just realizing right then how loud he's gotten. Or maybe just how much he's really said. But it's only in brief before his hand lessens its grip that had grown tight once more on Jim's shoulder, head tilting as the lines of stress dissolve and soften into something forlorn. ]

You, Zell, Kunsel.. You mean everything to me. And if there's anything I want out of this hell hole, it's to make sure you get out of here, no matter what.

Edited 2017-06-12 14:12 (UTC)

[ Jim looks like he's ready to shout Zack down, if he has to, again and again until he gets it. Until he gets that Jim isn't going to let him sacrifice himself, isn't going to let him be a hero or whatever it is his friends all seem to need to be. If it came down to someone trading their life for him, Jim would rather go down fighting.

He's going to tell Zack that. He's going to -

- to -

Because I love you.

All the fight goes out of him, and Jim sags and seems to tremble under it. There'd been a thousand unspoken moments, but the words feel like an embrace and a punch to the gut all at once. Zack means it, he thinks, and isn't it the kicker that he's going to be left in the end anyway?

Jim loses the battle with his emotions, and when he releases them it's outward because he can't handle anything else right now. He lets out a wordless noise of anger and shoves - shoves and then grabs Zack by the lapels of his coat, holding him there and then just holding on. ]

We love you too, you idiot.

Edited 2017-06-13 18:33 (UTC)

[ There's what feels like a long tense moment where Zack's honestly not sure just what Jim's going to say or do or anything. One of those moments where they say time stands still and the whole world seems to hold its breath, even when he knows it's just him. He can feel Jim already crumbling though- feel his hand start to slip off his shoulder as Jim deflates and he has to reassert his grip.

But it's as he tries to that Jim reacts and his hand's pushed asunder and away, even while Zack instinctively plants a foot back to catch his weight easily. But it does nothing to erase the way that painful outburst strangles his heart, held captive far before those hands come to grab his tattered coat. And for a brief, hot second, he braces himself for something else- a punch across the face or another push or anything- whatever it would take for him to do away with that anger.

But for all the things that Jim could have done to him right then, it's those words that hit harder than any fist could have. Zack's world goes blurry as they come on suddenly before he has the chance to blink them all away, but he blinks uselessly anyway. Then blinks some more and swallows hard, hands finally moving until they're faintly resting at Jim's shoulders- both of them this time as Zack finally dares to really look Jim in the eyes while his own wince. ]

I know.

Edited 2017-06-14 09:55 (UTC)

Then -

[ Jim meets Zack's eyes. He's not really sure when he started crying, but they're long past that point now. He doesn't even have it in him to be ashamed or try to hide it anymore. Not when they've come this far.

I love you. ]

-Then you've gotta know we feel the same way.

[ Jim tips his head forward into Zack's chest and takes a few deep breaths. ]

I can't do this if you're not here.

[ It stings when Jim actually looks up and he sees the tears. Stings almost as much as what he has to say next and then he's up front and center again and he can feel the press of his forehead against him through the fabric of his coat. Feel the rumble of words tumble out against him.

Can't do this if..

Very carefully, almost as if Jim will shatter if he shows any less caution than he is right then, hands go from resting on shoulders to sliding around his back. They cross there, arms winding around to pull him close with cheek resting atop his head as he blinks back the rest of what's blurring his vision again.
Still manages to fail and some escape, rolling and dripping into brown hair. ]

Of course, you can. You're a lot stronger than you think. And now you're even stronger. Hell, you might even be able to slay a dragon some day. But here you are... selling yourself short.

[ But that's not the point he's making, is it.. ]

[ Jim feels what Zack's doing. He's silent as his arms wrap around him in a hug. It's what he needed, a stabilizing force while his mind swims. He can only remember feeling this terrible feeling twice before in his life, like the ground he's found to stand on has slipped away and left him floating.

You're stronger than you think.

Zack's right. Jim knows he is. Somehow they'd manage to carry on, the way they had after losing so many friends, but it would be such a fundamental change Jim - Jim, who can usually feel at least a few steps ahead even if he can't see them - dismisses it. Getting this far with Zack and losing him at the last ... it can't happen. ]

Then maybe I don't want to.

Maybe you don't want to... but I'm not gonna sacrifice a chance for you three to get outta here for my own selfish reasons. No matter how much-

[ Throat suddenly constricting again, he has to take a moment to just breathe. Just calm himself as his arms wind into a tighter squeeze around Jim. As he releases a slow exhale that teases hair a bit and then shakes his head just a little. Say it.

Say it.

Then tell them, you big idiot. ]

No matter how much I wanna stay!

[ Louder. Louder than he meant to say it. But it's there and out in the open all the same and he already finds himself slouching and sinking more than standing anymore at admitting that. ] I won't do that to you guys. We've all come too damn far for that.

[ To give up. To stay there. To die there. To never go home. It's not worth it. A life remaining in this hell isn't worth it. No, if there's a way out... even if it meant his end.. ]

Edited 2017-06-29 15:24 (UTC)

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

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