snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[ She tries to smile, and fails. ]

I never really thought of myself as one of them. Hell, I don't even know if what they do is right, half the time. But they try, and it's... it's something I aspire to. To be so sure of what they're doing. To be so damn strong, you know?

They always treated me like family. Batman bought me an apartment. Flat out bought it for me, so I would have a place to stay. A place to be safe. If that's what you want, of course I'm going to help.

And my friends here, they're good people. Way better than I deserve. They'll be there for you, whether you want them to or not.

[she gets. quiet, for a minute, and her voice...well, it changes. it seems less high pitched, and the accent is less visible. almost as if she's a different person.

almost, but not quite.

she's no harvey dent; harley and harleen aren't two sides of the same coin. they're the same person. but still, the way she holds herself changes with her voice.]

When I was a psychiatrist, I was so mad at Batman. Carin' for the Joker, even as his doctor--I thought no one had to right to beat up on a mentally ill patient, you know? But all the things Mistah J and I ever put the Batman and co. through...it ain't right, neither. We force his hand, I think. Even if we're sick....

There's no way that anyone who decides ta put on a costume and fight crime for a livin' isn't sick in some way. Uh, no offense. But Batman--he's a good guy. He always believes that I can change, he's pressured the Arkham board to sign release papers for me multiple times--he knows I'm sick, and always expects that I can recover.

But I'm crazy, yanno? Misplaced faith from that guy. But they're good. You Bats are all too good for a place like Gotham. It's crazy. To quote one a' my colleague's favorite books, 'We're all mad here.' And, well, there.

So you ain't gotta be there for me, kid. You or your friends. You'll just be disappointed, and maybe even hurt when I lose it.

[she chuckles. but it isn't a gleeful sound; it sounds a little bit more like a disguised sob than anything else.]

[ She takes a deep breath, and lets it out in a long, tired sigh. Then she shrugs helplessly. ]

Won't be the first time. Probably won't be the last. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you're Harley Quinn. It'll take a lot for me to trust you enough that you could actually hurt me.

[ She looks away for a moment, thinking of Basil. It makes her think of Tim, which makes her face tighten with pain and her eyes prick with fresh tears. Why is it so much harder to cope with his death than the deaths of the people she's known and loved here?

Oh, that's right. Because the people dead here are still technically alive. She smooths her face as much as she can before facing the camera again. ]

You know, I'm on a team with Clayface, back home. Batman's idea. He's pretty okay, actually. A little weird, but he has a good sense of humor.

[she sniffles a moment before pulling herself together. she manages a grin, despite what steph is saying; in fact, it's even heartening. the responsibility of being trusted, really trusted, is a bit too much for harley right now. some of the cheer returns to her voice.]

I mean, no way in hell should ya trust me! I'm hardly reformed, or whatever--last time I was out, I only really stayed outta trouble 'cause I was with Red n' Kitty. Then I tried ta kill Puddin', and, well. I'm sure you can guess the rest.

[she shrugs, as though it's something that can't be helped; as though she were recounting a story about spilling a soda, rather than suffering a relapse.]

Clayface, huh? Which one? I dunno how well your Gotham matches up ta my Gotham, kiddo. But--good for him, whichever one he is. Batsy must be thrilled one a' his rogues finally straightened out.

[ Well, you know. Joker deserves it. But she'd rather talk about Clayface. ]

Basil Karlo. We're all keeping a close eye on him, of course, but I think it's been good for him to have a team. Even if it's as weird a team as ours is.

Basil? No shit? Well, good for 'im. Who else's on your team?

[a team sounds nice. too bad she tends to work best in duos.]

Any other ol' friendsa mine? Not gonna lie, I always worry about Arnie...he's such a sweetheart.

[ She frowns. ] Arnie....... Wesker? The Ventriloquist, right?

Nobody you know. Me and Basil, Orphan, Bluebird and Red Robin, with Batman and Batwoman in charge.

Yeah, that's Arnie! He's a sweet ol' guy, and the others just don't understand him, yanno? Arkham is about as cliquey and gossipy as your average middle school!

[she smiles, before raising an eyebrow.]

I mean, I know Batman. Real well.

I only know him from the files, and it seems like Batman isn't 100% sure about Scarface or how that works, you know?

[ She chuckles. It's a relief. ]

That's not what I meant. The team is just us kids. And Basil. Who's kind of like a kid, in some ways.

Oh, yeah, that is one heckuva case. I try not ta psychoanalyze friends--it doesn't pan out all too well. Hey, have ya read my file? I'm sure Batsy has some great stuff to say about me!

[she snickers, not exactly expecting steph to answer honestly. besides, she could probably name most of the things batman has in her file without even taking a look.]

Yanno, I was always kinda jealous of that. Havin' a brood of Robins runnin' around seems really nice, in a way. But, uh, that was never really in the cards for me, with how I've ended up.

[she would normally be able to leave it at that. but, that whole fear-related compulsive truth thing is getting to her, real bad, and harley would much rather get punched in the face than say what she feels spilling from her mouth.]

I want a kid, yanno, but Puddin' would probably--kill it.

[her voice breaks.]

Edited (im an idiot) 2017-03-16 01:54 (UTC)

Of course I have. They left me alone with the computer for like 3 hours, I've read every file he has.

[ But she's not going to gossip about most of them.

She flinches at the last comment. ]

Honestly... yeah. Even if it was his, I can't see him... living with that for very long. And if it wasn't? [ She shudders just thinking about it. ]

You know, since my parents tried to kill me I've been thinking biology is pretty overrated. Adopted or not, Batman takes care of his kids. He doesn't turn on them for not choosing the path he wanted.

Edited (Missed a convo thread) 2017-03-16 02:25 (UTC)

[softly, harley nods. her expression is something very close to miserable, and her voice gets quiet again.][she hates admitting that; that her psychosis, mood swings, hallucinations make her sick. but she knows it, and she's afraid of it.]

I'm sorry about your folks. Honest. My dad's in the slammer, has been in and out since I was a girl, and my mom prefers my lowlife brother better. Least I got nieces and nephews, even if my brother spends all the money I send them on gambling instead of private school tuition like I asked.

I'm terrified they'll wind up like me.

Anyway, I think the only real family I got is Kitty n' Red. And they think I'm dumb or annoyin' half the time, so it's not the greatest family, but hey. It's what I got.

Edited 2017-03-16 03:21 (UTC)

Catwoman's good people. She's a thief, and she's dangerous, but she takes care of her people. I like that. I still wish I could have gotten her to train me herself, but. [ She shrugs. It turned out well enough, even if she still misses Eiko sometimes. ]

Ivy's like that too. They've got solid, real priorities. You know where you stand with them, even if it's... probably not a very good place.

[ She's trying to focus on the positive here, but of course that's not an option tonight. ]

I'm... I'm not that good a person. I'm not like Red Robin or Bluebird or Orphan. People are gonna figure it out eventually and I'm not sure what I'll have left when they do.

Selina's real good, yeah. We got mad at her, though, last time I saw 'er, because the only reason she was with us was ta keep us out of trouble for Batsy. But I think Red was more mad than I was, yanno? I get it. Batman's probably a real catch.

An' Red is--Pamela, she's--I hurt her, real bad. On purpose, because I was with Puddin', and I wanted to. But she keeps on forgivin' me. For some reason.

[yeah, "some reason." don't play innocent, harl.]

They're good people. An' you are, too, kid. Trust me; I'm one a' the bad guys. An' I know the good guys when I see 'em. Ya reached out ta me, and talked to me, about a whole lotta stuff. You might be scared an' sad. But the Bat's a real good judge a' character. You ain't anywhere near as bad as ya think you are.

Maybe Batman was just the excuse. Selina doesn't seem like the type to do anything just because some guy told her to.

[ But for the rest of it... ]

People here seem to think I'm pretty great, most of the time. They don't realize just how much I keep to myself. Just how often I hurt people, or how intentional it is.

I don't know the deets, Stephy. All I know is that Red was super pissed!

[she frowns, however, when stephanie continues talking. poor kid.]

There ain't a single person alive who doesn't deliberately hurt other people sometimes. And trust me. I'd give it ta you straight if I didn't think you were a good guy, yanno? I'm not one to say things just to spare some cape's feelins. I know bad. You ain't it, kiddo.

Yeah? You think so? Even if its my friends I hurt?

[ She has a LOT of guilt over manipulating things so Batman knocked Al out to get him away from the Joker. ]

I--I think it depends on your intentions. If ya hurt your friends knowingly just ta hurt them, that's pretty shitty. But if ya had good intentions, then I don't think means you're a bad person.

[she bites her lip, and casts her eyes at the ground. she fidgets for a little bit, expression guilty.]

I hurt Red real bad, for no other reason than ta hurt her. 'Cause I was with Puddin'. An' I take advantage of her all th' time. Ain't that fucked up?

[Puddin' loves her. harley knows that, even if everyone denies it--just because his kind of love is different from everyone else, doesn't mean that he does't feel it. but the only one who loves her normally is Pamela, and she's scared--]

I'm scared she won't love me anymore.

[shit.]

[ That makes her feel better, but only a little. Because the fact is, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. It's the same doubt she has about Batman.

But if she's only as bad a person as Batman, that isn't so terrible, right? ]

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be fine, but I don't really know Ivy at all.

She did love you, though, right?

[ Steph is not sure what kind of love Harley is referring to here, but she figures it doesn't really matter right now. ]

[no, it isn't. in harley's book, you're a great person, steph.]

She did, yeah. That's what I--used against 'er. It's what I use against her every time.

[she gives a sad little smile.]

...Don't worry, kiddo. If ya think you're bad, ya ain't got nothin' on me.

I won't lie and say I approve. But if you want to change - and I think you do - you're going to need a support system.

And even if she doesn't love you anymore, she's proof that you can be loved. That there's another way.

Well, gee, kiddo. You're bein' awful nice. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're startin' to like me.

[she offers a tired grin.]

It's okay. I won't tell Batsy.

Pretty sure I'm allowed to like whoever I want. Wouldn't be the first time I've told him to suck it.

And what would your friends think, knowing you like a Batkid? You gotta toe the company line, Harl.

Yeah, ya are. And they wouldn't be surprised. I think they know I always kinda liked you all.

Hell, Red's even seen me lay a smooch on Batsy! He wasn't the best kisser, but hey! I chalk that up to surprise on his part. At least, I hope so for Kitty's sake!

[ She sticks her tongue out in an exaggerated "yick" expression. ]

Maybe save your kisses for someone whose face moves. Like, Superman maybe. I'll bet that wouldn't be like kissing a statue. [ She remembers their brief Pamela talk, and adds: ] Or Wonder Woman. I wonder what it's like to kiss a demigod.

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[video, private] harley would probably invite the entire batfam to her wedding

[video, private] most of them would probably go ;w;

[video, private; cw: child death ment.] i cant believe batman just walked harley down the aisle

[video, private; cw: child death talk, parental abuse] I can't believe Oracle was maid of honor

[video, private; cw: child death talk, parental abuse] and nightwing as the ring bearer??

[video, private; cw: child death talk, parental abuse] you know it

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