snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

I was only guessing based on the way the universe I know best was constructed. [ He manages to sound a little put out about this despite still speaking in the same droning monotone he always talks in. ]

And there are degrees of godhood. Not all are all-knowing. Not all are all-powerful. Divinity is also infinite in its complexity.

[He makes a considering noise.]

I'm not saying there can't be, or that it doesn't work that way in your universe. It's more... a lot of this stuff I'm talking about is literally programmed in my head by nature of being a sprite. You're an angel and you've got stuff like that, right? Hearing stuff that contradicts it applied to my chunk of reality is like hearing somebody try to tell me in full earnestness that the sky turns mauve and chartreuse paisley on Sundays.

Ah, I understand. [ And he does, even if he's still fairly convinced that he's the one who's more correct here. He has the good graces not to press the issue, at least.

He goes silent for a long moment, before something else springs to mind and escapes him, unbidden. ]

There is no place for angels to go when we die, either. Nothing is said or written about what happens to us.

[That revelation settles down weird and wrong.]

... Nothing? God makes a whole paradise for dead humans, but can't be assed to do anything for his own angels? Fuck, I knew stuff was messed up if you could be punished without even being told how or what for, but what the hell?

It's not His fault. [ Castiel is a little too hurried in coming to his Father's defense, and entirely unaware of the fact. ]

I shouldn't have told you that. We aren't supposed to die. The only thing that can kill an angel is another angel, and the thought that something like that would ever come to pass was unimaginable, when we were made. So we don't have souls to endure after death.

[It just doesn't fit together the way it should.]

... Isn't god supposed to be omniscient and omnipotent? How could an angel killing an another angel but unimaginable to him? He could have given you souls from the start.

[ That's a good question, and one that Castiel neither has an answer to nor has ever considered in his entire very long life. There's a very long and uncomfortable silence before he responds again, to the point where Davesprite could be forgiven for thinking he'd managed to forget about the conversation entirely. ]

He must have had some reason. There is always a reason. Souls are precious and powerful things, and we don't need them to carry out the tasks we were assigned. [ There, that makes sense - doesn't it? He doesn't sound satisfied with the answer, but it's the best he can do. He wishes one of the senior angels were here to ask. They would know better. ]

[The wait passes with a tangle of feelings. He frankly doesn't much like what he's heard about how angels and god work in Castiel's universe, and it's hard not to worry for him and how he's handling it when he's clearly this mixed up about it. And how can he not feel guilty for putting the question to mind? But at the same time, he couldn't help but ask. It's messed up. He can't just brush by it.]

[Once Castiel finally answers (all uncertain justification), Davesprite's comes much quicker.]

You sound like you barely even believe yourself.

['Must have had some reason.' A god that doesn't see to endow souls to his servants.]

He made you like tools. If there's no soul, he can discard you as soon as you break. You don't feel bad for the hammer if it breaks because there's nothing deeper in it. Or maybe not even that? You can fix a busted tool. You—you're lightbulbs. You burn out or you break, and that's it. But when you have minds and can question and doubt... That's fucked up. That's massively fucked up. What the hell?

To question and doubt is being broken. [ And it is something that can be fixed, among angels, and often is, swiftly and so discreetly that even Castiel himself isn't aware of it. ]

You make the mistake of thinking of me like I'm a human. I'm not one. Being free to wonder and debate and rebel is your gift and your curse. It means those who come to us are doing so of their own choice, not because it is intrinsic to them. They witnessed the beauty of creation, and in it found their answer.

[ It's possibly the most genuine thing Castiel has said this entire conversation. This isn't something he's been told and is merely repeating, it's something he really believes - that every human, in their infinite capacity for both doubt and faith, is a work of art, precious and individual, each executing their sacred duty to observe and make sense of his Father's creation. The moment of heartfelt admiration passes quickly, though. ]

I was not made to witness. I was made to serve.

But...

[How does he even respond to that? It practically hurts to hear, and he can't even hide it with the loss death has given him.]

Then that is making tools out of you. It's... punishing you for having minds. Having free will shouldn't make you broken. Shit, I literally became something meant to serve my player, but I still have free will. I can ignore what my code tells me to do. I wouldn't have even become a sprite if not for making the decision myself.

You...

Your world is fucked up, Castiel.

[So much for stupid nicknames.]

Edited 2017-04-23 01:28 (UTC)

Would you not be concerned if the device you're using to speak to me began questioning your messages? If a hammer objected to the house you meant to build with it?

[ There was a time when he objected to that comparison - admitted in confidence that he wasn't an unquestioning extension of his Father's will. Now, though, trapped in this limbo and no longer knowing what to believe, he can't stop thinking about how much easier it would be if he were. A hammer is not an architect, and shouldn't aspire to be. ]

My mind and capacity for thought exist so that I can adapt and continue to serve my purpose even if something unexpected happens. Not so I can pretend to be one of you.

Castiel, you're a person. You have a mind and you can think and that's enough for me. Hammers don't have that, and if a computer does, you call it artificial intelligence. I've been nice to Winter and want to help her even if all she is right now is a backup of her memories from when she was a strong AI. You really think I'm going to let you argue me into treating you like you're something less?

I mean, look who you're talking to. I'm one step up from an NPC, and I've been there with being treated shitty about it. The reasons were different than with you, but it still fucking hurt. If you're not going to call me less of a person because part of me is programmed...

[His tone wavers.]

God, I really hope you don't. I don't want round two of that.

[And a little stronger:]

... But if you're not going to treat me as lesser just for that, then I'm not doing the same to you. And if you start now, it'll just make you a dick.

You have a soul, Davesprite. Winter... I don't know. Beings constructed by humankind without the aid of the divine occupy a complicated space. [ Truth be told, Castiel is skeptical of the notion that a group of mortals could simply create life in such a way, but he doesn't want to upset Davesprite by questioning her personhood. And in any case, some thousand years ago he had been hesitant to believe humans could gather and repair the shattered remains of a demon's soul, as well. ]

You can treat me however you choose. You can believe that I should have been gifted with a soul. But the fundamental truth is that I wasn't. Angels aren't the same as hammers, but that doesn't mean we should conduct ourselves like humans either. We all have roles to play. I... appreciate your enthusiasm, but there's no point in arguing.

Damnit, Cas.

[Castiel is long and weirdly stressed, and he's tired of this argument and tired of him treating himself like this. He sighs.]

I still hate this. You're a person and that's not going to change in my mind, and I'm not going to stop thinking it's fucked up that you're not allowed to question or doubt, or that you can just be tossed aside when God's done. I already want to help Winter go back the way she was before, so you're not going to hear me telling you to renounce your ways and go back to being God's humble, abiding servant, either.

[And while his loss fuels most of that, pitching his words to the concern and upset behind them, it's the larger effect pressing at people tonight that draws the next bit.]

... I just hope you won't stop talking to me because of it. I won't make you stick around right now if you want to hang up, but after that.

I think we may just have very different ideas about what God is and is not.

[ Which he used to assume was always the case between angels and humans, but he's coming to realize now that they're much more alike than he realized. Another thing he doesn't know how to feel about. ]

You aren't the first to question the way He chose to make the world, and you won't be the last. It's good that you do. It means you're using the gifts you've been given. But it isn't as easy for me.

[He sighs.]

Then I'm going to be here telling you to keep questioning. You won't find anything else from me about it. If there's a human around who tells you not to question what you're told, they're probably trying to use you.

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

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