snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[ Turning his head and he nuzzles against Jim's hair. Normally, he'll be pretty speeches about how he believes in Jim.]

I don't know if it's possible for you to screw up that bad.

[ Squeezing the hand he's holding. ]

If it ever happens, I'll do my best to be patient and listen to you. [ He remembers Jim's mom and how she wasn't willing to hear him out. It might have been a dream, but that's how Jim sees it. It feels like that everyone around him was starting to give up on him before his adventure. That he was even giving up on himself...

That part hurts.]

I'm not going to give up on you, Jim Hawkins.

I know that up here.

[ Jim reaches his free hand behind him to tap the far side of Zell's head. ]

Same way you probably know you're great, or that I'm proud of you and your ma is too. It's just...

[ Jim trails off, trying to put it into words. ]

I guess once it's happened once, it's harder to trust it won't happen again.

[ He nods. Zell knows what Jim means where he knows. A part of him definitely knows, but there is still this doubt that sometimes crop up. He usually doesn't have the time or throws himself completely into tasks so it doesn't get louder or ever come out.

There is something weird tonight.

Nuzzling against Jim as he sighs. ]

I'll have your back, you know. Whatever path you take...

[ Bumping his nose against him. ]

I know.

[ They've made promise after promise, and he can feel the ring on his hand as they talk.

He leans their foreheads together and takes a deep breath. ]

You know it goes both ways, don't you? Why do you think we're not already proud?

Smooches

:o

[ The forehead touch is nice. Reaching up to dig his fingers into Jim's hair as a way to keep him there longer. ]

Because I'm not doing enough. I'm used to being able to go out there and beat the whatever obstacles that are out there. I'm used to being able to actually take down monsters.

[ He closes his eyes. ][ As much as he knows some of their goals are worth the wait, it's still a long wait. It's still more hurdles and freaky shit happening. It's still chances for Jim to slip backwards and get worst. ]

Know the feeling.

[ That'd been the reason Jim got himself killed, after all. He'd wanted to do something that mattered. So does Zell. So do most of the people here, and doesn't that put all the craziness into a different perspective entirely? ]

You don't have to do stuff that's impossible to make us proud, though. Staying alive here, looking out for people? That's not nothing. It's a lot.

[ Breathing out an audible sigh as he leans against Jim. A part of him really wants to pull Jim into his lap, or find a quiet place to drag him to. This will have to do for the moment until they both are ready to call it a night. ]

Still feel it now?

[ Wanting to do more or make others proud? He's pretty sure he knows the answer. ]

I want to make you proud. I want to keep giving you reasons to keep me around. I want to be useful. I want to make you happy. I want to keep hearing your laughter or be there to pick you up when you need it.

Zell.

[ Jim makes a fist and forces himself to let it go. He's suddenly so angry at anyone who ever made Zell think like that, like he had to be useful to be kept around. ]

You could lay down in the snow right now and have to be carried around like Mochi until the day we get sent home and I'd still keep you around. It's not - [ He trips over his words. ] I don't need a reason.

What if I just laid on you?

[ He leans back against his boyfriend. Steph was talking about how he should just lay there and let others pick up the pieces. It didn't really sit right though. Not now. Not when he had so many people he wants to save. People he wants a future with. ]

Some times it's tempting. It's really, really tempting to just keep you in for a day. Maybe longer. Have a little vacation or something. But I know if I stop, I might not want to keep moving.

[ Bumping their foreheads together. ]

I have a reason to keep you around. I want to wake up next to you every morning. [ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ]

You can.

[ Jim leans back, giving Zell something solid to rest on, as he thinks it over. ]

You told me it was okay to stop moving, if I needed to. You can too. We can rest.

[ And wake up next to each other. Just because Jim doesn't think he can stop to feel doesn't mean Zell can't, or shouldn't. ]

[ The corner of his mouth tugs for a moment, and then he shakes his head. Nuzzling his face as he breathes in deeply. ]

I can't. Not until you're safe.

[ It's a very nice thought and Jim being willing to go along with it is pretty great. It's enough for now. ]

Besides, we already have a date all planned. Getting home and doing nothing in front of a fire for a few days, right?

[ His mind supplies him with the image of the Benbow Inn, even if he knows it's no longer around. ]

We're safe now.

[ As safe as anyone ever is in Norfinbury, it's true, but Jim can't help but point it out when Zell's feeling like this. ]

Just want to make sure you're there to enjoy it.

[ As safe as they can be on top of a bunch of empty server racks. ]

I will be. I have you to catch me.

[ And that's enough of a motivation to keep him going until they both can enjoy it. ]

How about you?

I'm going to be there, too.

[ Jim knows that isn't what Zell meant, but he's going to try and get away with it anyway. ]

[ He makes a noise. ]

Stars. [ The vowel is elongated in almost a whine. Turning around to press his side against Jim's back as he throws an arm across his stomach. ]

You know what I mean.

[ It's an emotional night of fears and confessions being spilled across the network. He's not going to just let it go after some of that coming out. ]

I know. Sorry. Sometimes I'm afraid to let it all out.

[ It's another confession, something else he'd never say on an ordinary night. ]

I don't want to drag you down with all of this.

[ He takes Zell's hand and puts it over his own heart. ]

-But. If we were back home? I could fix something. I would've figured something out by now. At least built something to keep us warm.

[ Shaking his head. ]

It's not dragging me down.

[ Making a content sound as he feels every time his lungs expand and the rhythm of his heart beating in his chest. ]

Man, I really can't wait to get home. I'd like to see you build things with your hands.

[ His voice is quiet and wistful. Making a noise as he knows that's getting off topic. Gotta stay focus! ]

I know if anyone here can make something or fix it, it's you. We just need to find something first.

[ Which is the frustrating part. ]

Mm. I think maybe it is.

[ Dragging Zell down, he means. ]

I've seen how hard stuff hits you. Not every time, but when it does... [ The times when they've lost so many friends in a matter of days, or when Norfinbury forced them to hurt one another. ] I don't want it to take what makes you you away.

It does hit me hard. It hits me more than I really like to share.

[ Nuzzling against his back. ]

I think getting it out in the open is a lot better though. That way I know what's going on or can try to help you through it. I want to help, Stars.

[ He wants to be useful AND he wants his boyfriend to be happy and healthy. ]

You being here helps me to be me. Even when things go to hell I can always pick up the pieces because you're near me. I want to keep improving and getting better.

Yeah, I know it does. That night at the fire station...

[ It had ended pretty well, but it didn't change how awful it'd been to see Zell like that. ]

Do you think that's why they're making us talk? To get it all out in the open?

[ Don't being up the fire station. Reminding himself to focus on the right now as he wiggles his thumb against Jim's chest. ]

I don't know. I wonder if something or someone is messing with the nanites. Wanting to get the truth of the shit here and instead we're opening our mouths.

[ And then making an almost d'oh sound. ]

It's not like I wanted to keep quiet about any of this. It's one of those things that didn't really come up and I kept pushing off to focus on the here and now. Guess that's pretty dumb, huh? Especially with this place poking into everything.

Maybe. Maybe this is all going to come back to bite us.

[ Jim's said a lot to people he'd never even talk to, normally, and that's not even counting on Eve listening in to everything they have to say. ]

It's not dumb. I know you want to keep moving. I do, too.

[ But Jim knows - though he won't admit it unless pressed - that the longer stuff gets pushed aside, the bigger the eventual explosion's going to be. ]

[ Any other time, biting might have given him some ideas.

This time however he taps Jim's chest in time to his heart beat. ]

If it does, I know who to lean on. [ Nuzzling against the nape of his neck. ]

And you'll come to me, right?

[ Well, they can always wrestle it out of the other in a spar match. ]

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

this okay?

Re: this okay?

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I can edit/add more if you need.

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End of part one?

Yep \o/