snowblindrpg | [network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

[ Jim looks like he's ready to shout Zack down, if he has to, again and again until he gets it. Until he gets that Jim isn't going to let him sacrifice himself, isn't going to let him be a hero or whatever it is his friends all seem to need to be. If it came down to someone trading their life for him, Jim would rather go down fighting.

He's going to tell Zack that. He's going to -

- to -

Because I love you.

All the fight goes out of him, and Jim sags and seems to tremble under it. There'd been a thousand unspoken moments, but the words feel like an embrace and a punch to the gut all at once. Zack means it, he thinks, and isn't it the kicker that he's going to be left in the end anyway?

Jim loses the battle with his emotions, and when he releases them it's outward because he can't handle anything else right now. He lets out a wordless noise of anger and shoves - shoves and then grabs Zack by the lapels of his coat, holding him there and then just holding on. ]

We love you too, you idiot.

Edited 2017-06-13 18:33 (UTC)

[ There's what feels like a long tense moment where Zack's honestly not sure just what Jim's going to say or do or anything. One of those moments where they say time stands still and the whole world seems to hold its breath, even when he knows it's just him. He can feel Jim already crumbling though- feel his hand start to slip off his shoulder as Jim deflates and he has to reassert his grip.

But it's as he tries to that Jim reacts and his hand's pushed asunder and away, even while Zack instinctively plants a foot back to catch his weight easily. But it does nothing to erase the way that painful outburst strangles his heart, held captive far before those hands come to grab his tattered coat. And for a brief, hot second, he braces himself for something else- a punch across the face or another push or anything- whatever it would take for him to do away with that anger.

But for all the things that Jim could have done to him right then, it's those words that hit harder than any fist could have. Zack's world goes blurry as they come on suddenly before he has the chance to blink them all away, but he blinks uselessly anyway. Then blinks some more and swallows hard, hands finally moving until they're faintly resting at Jim's shoulders- both of them this time as Zack finally dares to really look Jim in the eyes while his own wince. ]

I know.

Edited 2017-06-14 09:55 (UTC)

Then -

[ Jim meets Zack's eyes. He's not really sure when he started crying, but they're long past that point now. He doesn't even have it in him to be ashamed or try to hide it anymore. Not when they've come this far.

I love you. ]

-Then you've gotta know we feel the same way.

[ Jim tips his head forward into Zack's chest and takes a few deep breaths. ]

I can't do this if you're not here.

[ It stings when Jim actually looks up and he sees the tears. Stings almost as much as what he has to say next and then he's up front and center again and he can feel the press of his forehead against him through the fabric of his coat. Feel the rumble of words tumble out against him.

Can't do this if..

Very carefully, almost as if Jim will shatter if he shows any less caution than he is right then, hands go from resting on shoulders to sliding around his back. They cross there, arms winding around to pull him close with cheek resting atop his head as he blinks back the rest of what's blurring his vision again.
Still manages to fail and some escape, rolling and dripping into brown hair. ]

Of course, you can. You're a lot stronger than you think. And now you're even stronger. Hell, you might even be able to slay a dragon some day. But here you are... selling yourself short.

[ But that's not the point he's making, is it.. ]

[ Jim feels what Zack's doing. He's silent as his arms wrap around him in a hug. It's what he needed, a stabilizing force while his mind swims. He can only remember feeling this terrible feeling twice before in his life, like the ground he's found to stand on has slipped away and left him floating.

You're stronger than you think.

Zack's right. Jim knows he is. Somehow they'd manage to carry on, the way they had after losing so many friends, but it would be such a fundamental change Jim - Jim, who can usually feel at least a few steps ahead even if he can't see them - dismisses it. Getting this far with Zack and losing him at the last ... it can't happen. ]

Then maybe I don't want to.

Maybe you don't want to... but I'm not gonna sacrifice a chance for you three to get outta here for my own selfish reasons. No matter how much-

[ Throat suddenly constricting again, he has to take a moment to just breathe. Just calm himself as his arms wind into a tighter squeeze around Jim. As he releases a slow exhale that teases hair a bit and then shakes his head just a little. Say it.

Say it.

Then tell them, you big idiot. ]

No matter how much I wanna stay!

[ Louder. Louder than he meant to say it. But it's there and out in the open all the same and he already finds himself slouching and sinking more than standing anymore at admitting that. ] I won't do that to you guys. We've all come too damn far for that.

[ To give up. To stay there. To die there. To never go home. It's not worth it. A life remaining in this hell isn't worth it. No, if there's a way out... even if it meant his end.. ]

Edited 2017-06-29 15:24 (UTC)

You don't wanna be selfish?

[ Jim's firm even with a lump in his throat. Maybe it's Zell's influence, or maybe it's Kunsel's, but there's a feeling growing in Jim - the certainty from earlier. It's a big, stubborn feeling that doesn't leave room for anything but determination. ]

Then I will be. I'm not letting you go. We'll find another way. No matter what it comes down to.

[ And that's the end of it, as far as Jim's concerned. Zack's never going to talk him out of a fourth ticket. ]

You don't have to argue with me. I know I'm not going to win. Just be ready for it.

[ He'll be selfish, he says.

He's not letting him go, he says.

Just be ready for it.

Just be... Damned stubborn idiot. But even still, Zack can't get his mouth to work and form any sort of real retort to that. What can he even say to that for that matter? 'You're definitely not going to win'. 'There's no way.'

All this time, he'd been trying to give them all hope. Adding to the despair that's shrouded them since Tadashi died- that's clung to them since Cloud and Hiro and countless other people have been caught and torn asunder by this town... Zack takes another shaky breath before he finally pulls back. Just enough to try to see Jim's face damn his tears. ]

Then, just.. just promise me one thing, kid.

[ Damn stubborn idiot is right. Jim's eyes are burning, but he meets Zack's gaze head-on this time. His eyebrows are drawn, his jaw tense, and he's absolutely got the look of someone who knows how to do the impossible, if he has to, even when it's terrifying. ]

-What's that?

[ He's wary of what Zack will ask, at this point. He really doesn't want to get drawn into an argument, not with both of them feeling like this and the influence of Norfinbury still between them. ]

[ Further argument's the last thing he wants. He's tired... So tired. Strung out all over again and he's pretty sure he's well beyond haggard at this point. When he stopped believing in the impossible, he's not sure. But that look... That look's a good look and he hopes he'll see that look to the very end. Stubborn. Defiant. Fighting tooth and nail, no matter the obstacles. That's what Jim needs to be. That's what they all need to be to get out of there.

If only a look like that could actually guarantee a fourth ticket.

Zack lowers his gaze. ]

Promise me no matter what happens, you keep your head up- [ He raises his head again slowly. ] -and you keep looking forward.

[ Because no matter what, the last thing... the very last thing he'd ever want was for Jim to blame it on himself if things go the other way. To think he'd failed him. To always look back and think himself less all over again because of something out of his control. ]

know what you gotta do?

[ Zack's words seem to knock Jim and take a little of that fight out of him. He doesn't want to consider no matter what happens, because he knows what it means, knows what Zack means. But Zack won't accept anything less, will he?

And maybe he's not wrong to demand that. After everyone - Hiro, Tadashi, Tifa, Cloud - Jim knows any of them could be gone tomorrow, and they would have to pick up and move on. He and Zell had managed it the day the explosion took out Kunsel and Zack, hadn't they? ]

I will. I'll keep moving, Zack. I'm not going to let you down.

[ In any way. ]

Good.

[ The word rolls out, barely a rumbled whisper and he's back in Jim's space and squeezing him maybe a little too tightly. Keeps holding on maybe a little too long like that before that hold loosens some. Before he's back to something more comfortable as he slides his hand from the back of his head to his shoulderblades instead, giving him a soft pat there. ]

I know- I know you won't. Hell- I'm proud of you, you know?

[ Jim had been - he wasn't okay, not by any stretch of the imagination, but he was holding it together. He wasn't a kid, as he'd shown over and over, and he could handle anything this place threw at them as well as anybody else.

But that.

I'm proud of you.

Zack might as well have punched him. It's all he wanted. more than Zack's trust, more than his love. It's all he ever wants, and Jim didn't even know Zack thought it until now. ]

-Zack.

[ He stops to catch his breath. ]

When we're out of here - when everything's okay -

[ When I've earned it. ]

- Tell me that again.

When we leave this place-

[ No matter if he doesn't end up going with them. No matter if that's the last time he ever sees them again. If he gets to say that, if those are his last words to Jim- they're the best words he could give him. The ones that matter a lot. He can hear it in the way his voice sounds like it's about to crack and the way tension feeds into his shoulders again.

If only he, himself, could...

Zack clears his own throat. ] When we leave this place, I'll tell you that again. I promise.

[ When.. Not if. ]

[network] Event: Long & Lost [NIGHT 217]

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