[network] @hotstud_xxx; Day 314; audio [open] (cw: there may be graphic discussion of illness)

[rubikscomplex]

[This is Christmas. House's idea of Christmas, anyway. Sudden onset of deadly illnesses with disjointed and impossible progression of symptoms, and him not affected? Christmas! Someone out there loves him. Granted, he might not be able to help anyone get better and that's lame, but answers. Answers are something he is particularly prepared to provide. House is also curious if there's some psychosomatic effect at work here that might let him influence people. He goes on audio for this, and someone sounds almost gleeful.]

Hello, sick people! Dr. House here. I am a board certified medical professional and tenured professor of diagnostics at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey. I have a double specialty infectious disease and nephrology and head the only Department of Diagnostic Medicine in the world in my universe.

All that said... tell me what ails you, Snowhell. Details required. Pics if you need them. Allow me to diagnose you. This service is free of charge for today only! Or however long this whole thing lasts. I'll even prescribe you meds if they're relevant to your condition. Step right up, then! Don't be shy.

It should go without saying, but I am limited to identification and diagnosis of Earth-based diseases. So if you've got a different name in your universe for the measels, I'm still calling them the measels.

((OOC: While House is an ace diagnostician, I am very much not. It would be helpful for me if you could indicate the disease or diseases your character is suffering from for the event or indicate that the constellation of symptoms was pulled at random/non-Earth-based.))

Comments

@magenta2; audio

[himalayanyeti]

Oh, fuck off.

[No, having the flu and a delirious fever won't stop him from being bitter and petty, if only on his end.]

[rubikscomplex]

[You can't upset him right now, Magenta. He is actually excited and happy.]

Maybe later. Tell me what's wrong with you. Don't you want some meds for it?

@guardian; audio;

[phaseshifter]

[ Angel is so ill she can barely move. She's burning up, in constant agony, and her hands are shaking too badly for her to type.

She still manages to turn on the audio to deliver a very important message, though. ]

Ass... hole.

[rubikscomplex]

I'm offering to help people for once, no strings attached, and I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Harsh. Unless you're trying to tell me something about a symptom.

@PetertheGreat, audio

[zunesareawesome]

[Why does he sound like this. Why isn't he suffering. This isn't fair.]

I hate you.

[It seemed like everyone is having pretty much the same reaction to House. As expected.]

[rubikscomplex]

Hate me all you want, Starry Nights, but use me. What've you got to lose?

@Wayne, audio

[gothamiteknight]

[Well.

This is slightly embarrassing.

So he wasn't the Joker, unless the Joker went to med school in his spare time. And sounded like a different person.

Still, he's mildly impressed by what seemed like an actual attempt to persuade him otherwise.]

So you decided to become a doctor then? Gave up on music?

[He sounds...mostly tired.]

[rubikscomplex]

What can I say? I hit Jersey and fell in love with the bottomless cesspool of disease on offer. How're you feeling, Bats? Speaking of.

lilmonix3; text

[thesystemisdown]

[Normally it would be more polite to respond to audio with audio, but unfortunately Monika has completely lost her voice thanks to some delightful respiratory issues.]

since a bunch of people are sick doesnt it seem likelier that this is some weird norfinbury thing affecting everyone
rather than individual diseases

[rubikscomplex]

Of course it's more likely. It's also likely the Admin's gonna send out her spiders in a day or two, inject us, and everyone'll be fine. We almost always have some weird event when the weather gets too bad to move around. Might be their way of keeping us entertained, or if we're going with the idea that Norfinbury's run at least partially off a massive quantum computer creating a partially simulated reality...

Then something's wrong enough that they're having to drop the temperature to accommodate quantum states, and that's why events and blizzards are correlated here.

Buuuuut... I'm a diagnostician. At least people can know what disease their illness is mimicking. Wouldn't you rather know?

@dickcheese, audio;

[headjacked]

M'cold.

[ Slow breathing. He sounds more petulant than normal, though not in a particularly angry way. Just... confused. ]

I don't get it, I w-was... d-doing everything right.

[rubikscomplex]

You're gonna have to give me a little more than 'cold.' Anything else?

@w.graham: Video

[ex_this_ismydesign36]

[ It was hard to tell that Will was looking worse than he normally looked. The key tells were the fact that he had wrapped himself up in his puppy blanket, his blue eyes glittered with a fever and he was shivering constantly.

It was hard to pespire with fever, when the moisture almost immediately froze off your body. Though his hair was lank, suggesting he had rammed his fingers through it multiple times.

Will had also retreated to the furthest corner of away from everyone he could manage, and was curled up on the floor. ]

What ... [ he began, stopped and dry swallowed, before gritting his teeth to ensure he could get through his words. ] Acts like the flu, but doesn't bother with any pesky congestion?

[ He was teasing, though failing as he struggled with focus. ]

perma-audio

[rubikscomplex]

Oh, lots of things. Wanna draw a clock for me first, Graham Cracker?

@curiouschloride | audio

[motherserpent]

[Tess sounds very tired when she calls in.]

's a nice thought but I already know it's avian influenza. Presentation's too delayed, though, been here like...a week?

Sounds fake, you know?

[She's wrong. Her feathered snake, RGBV, is indeed suffering from bird flu, but Tess herself has somehow contracted malaria.]

[rubikscomplex]

Regular WebMD. It is fake. But it's still good to know what you've actually got. Why don't you give me the actual symptoms before I start calling you Birdcage.

@hexappeal; voice

[sleight_of_fate]

There's a special place in hell for you.

[Rhys's voice is destroyed, sounding like he's been coughing rusty nails and gravel, and every breath rasps harshly through it. He tries to prop the tablet, but it's awkward and only gives a crooked half-view of where he's slumped.

This is mostly a pop quiz: he thinks he knows what he has, but House will either correct him or confirm it.]

Everything hurts. My fucking bones hurt. Coughing up blood. Dark clotted shit.

Fever too. Prolly got pneumonia.

[He pauses talking for a short break. Breathe.]

[rubikscomplex]

Heaven for the weather, hell for the company. I'll look forward to seeing you there, Tats.

[House considers the voice and the symptoms.]

Some seriously gnarly pneumonia. Bone pain isn't usually part of it, though. You might have pneumonia and something else. Lucky you! Any specific bones where the pain's concentrated?

@Ecks | text

[ecks]

poina
papso
pasain

[There's a pause in her messages as she slows down and makes a great effort to type more clearly.]

pain

audio

[rubikscomplex]

Can you speak? 'Cause it seems like you're having a lil trouble tying there.

@librarian; text

[cahooted]

[Flynn is too feverish and pained to get into an argument over the horrible sales pitch here. Besides, other people seem to do that already and plenty. Today his priorities lie elsewhere, so. Potential rain check on that. Maybe he can send a rude hieroglyph later.

If they make it through the night.]

tremors fever rapid and irregular heartbeat mightft be atrtrial fibriilkation fatiguew muscle pain

ina woman

[So clearly those are not his symptoms; they're Nicole's. Flynn is so very uninterested in his own symptoms but he wants to know if there's anything he can do about hers.]

((ooc: Nicole's tremors stem from Parkinson's and the rest on the list, atrial fibrillation, extreme fatigue, fever and muscle aches, from lupus.))

[rubikscomplex]

y'know, it's cute you and your gf are giving me each other's symptoms
maybe give me your own
it'll go faster that way

tremors say a nervous system issue
that could also explain the heart
fever points to an infection
brain infection?
those are always fun!
have her draw a clock face
then show me a picture of it

@noone | text

[slapthelibrarian]

[ Nicole's hands are shaking too much for her to text properly, but luckily there's the voice-to-text option. It's not nearly as effective as it should be, as she's having problems forming words, but she's doing her best. And having already seen Flynn's report of her own symptoms, she feels like she has to do the same. ]

difficulty breathing irregular heartbeat fever
chest pain
can't relax his face
cough
male

[ These are Flynn's symptoms, not hers, but her priority is finding out if there are any remedies for what's ailing him. ]

[ ooc: Flynn has chest pain, difficulty breathing and irregular heartbeat from high blood pressure, stiffness of the neck, jaw, and other muscles, often accompanied by a grotesque, grinning expression from tetanus, and dry cough, more chest pain and fever from pneumonia. ]

[rubikscomplex]

as i said to you bf
just give me your own symptoms, kids

rictus, though!
that's a fun one
probably tetanus in the mix there

don't usually get chest pain from that, though
describe the cough
wet and mucousy?
bloody?
dry?

@Enoch, voice

[warriorscribe]

Can you help them?

[Enoch's voice is strained with pain, his breathing heavy.]

Can't stand anymore, to help them. Dizzy, disoriented. Can't leave Beckett to do it on his own...

[There's a shifting, and a sharp cry of pain, followed by a thud and hissing breaths through clenched teeth. Someone just tried to push himself up with his horribly inflamed wounded hand because he can't think straight.]

((ooc: He has two infected wounds. Would be pretty straightforward as a severe deep skin infection except the extreme symptoms aren't quite following through. Pain out of all proportion to appearance says there should be necrosis happening (but there isn't), being a confused human furnace says sepsis but nothing else is happening. There might be something that actually fits this but I haven't looked further either.))

[rubikscomplex]

Depends on what they have. A lot of it's gonna be 'lie down and wait for the Admin to fix it.' Unless this goes on for more than a day, anything I prescribe's not gonna reach you guys in time for it to matter.

What just hurt? I can hear you shifting around. But you're in pain along with the disorientation. Where?

@carcinoGeneticist; text

[quadrangle]

[Normally, he wouldn't bother. Normally, he'd stay the fuck away. The more he sees and hears, though—]

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE ACTUALLY A SADIST AREN'T YOU.
LIKE THIS IS LEGITIMATELY WHY YOU BECAME A DOCTOR IN THE FIRST PLACE, SO YOU COULD POKE AND PROD PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY SUFFERING??
WHAT KIND OF GROTESQUE FETISH EVEN IS THIS, AND WHAT THE FUCK *IS* NEPHROLOGY??

text

[rubikscomplex]

debateable on the sadist thing

nope
i became a doctor because of a janitor

it's not a fetish
it's a job
my job back home
i'm not allowed to enjoy my job?

nephrology involves kidneys
i'm assuming you have something like those
they're like a bit filter system in your body and tend to get screwed up by a lot of diseases

@ASolomons; text

[devoutish]

In order as far as I can figure:

- fever
- dizziness
- skin turning black and flaking
- nausea
- bad cough
- vomiting
- coughing blood

[Alfie has very low hopes that House will choose to be helpful here, but Royce had requested he make a public record anyway, so here he is.]

[OOC: The symptoms are mostly being picked at random, but the black plague, tuberculosis, and malaria are being used for inspiration!]

[rubikscomplex]

necrosis!
one of my favorites

[Yes, he's that kind of asshole and Alfie's suffering, in particular, delights him, even if he's still going to help.]

where is the skin turning black?
is it at random?
or has it started in your extremities?
fingers
toes
noes
ears

@thebigc; text; cw: cancer

[onlytwothings]

I already know what I have, but for your reference:

- shortness of breath
- bloody cough
- chest pain
- headache
- dizziness

[ There's almost no point in telling House this, but of course he'll want to know. Never mind that there's nothing either of them can do about it. ]

[ ooc: Wilson's experiencing symptoms relating to the cancer in his thymus. ]

cw: cancer

[rubikscomplex]

[No.

This is not a fun diagnosis. This is a diagnosis that is coming back home. One that House doesn't want to deal with. One that he shouldn't have to deal with. It's not fair for them to use this one.

But he would rather know.]

so they're pulling from actual experience, too
graham cracker's got encephalitis he had back home
interesting

@gravedigger; audio

[harlequinofhate]

At least someone's having fun.

[rubikscomplex]

Can you really blame me? You pick up anything interesting, or are you one of us lucky, boring ones?

@bluestar // video

[dousedflame]

You're really the only medicine Twoleg available?

[She's been hiding in a cupboard, still too new to her new group to want to admit she's sick. Still, he'll be able to hear it in her voice - the raspy beginnings of a kitty cold. She lets out a painful-sounding sneeze before continuing.]

I think our medicine cats used catmint for these sorts of things, but nothing grows here.

perma-audio

[rubikscomplex]

"Doctor," Whiskers. Unless you want me to start calling you "fourleg" get with the lingo. And I'm the only doctor currently talking. No idea about the rest of those schmucks. Might be down and out for the count.

You sound like you have a cold. Wanna give me any other symptoms? Because otherwise, you're super boring.

@theiceman, audio, private

[holmesice]

[That's it.

There has to be something to it.

The universe...or universes, rather, were rarely so lazy. The coincidences were matching up far too much to be actual coincidences, and there was something unsettlingly familiar that he was starting to draw connections to.

And this...excitement...at cases? He's been silently observing the interactions, and just...]

Where is your family from? Before they came to the United States.

private

[rubikscomplex]

Gee, that's getting a little personal. Working on a genealogy project?