[network] @hotstud_xxx; Day 314; audio [open] (cw: there may be graphic discussion of illness)

[rubikscomplex]

[This is Christmas. House's idea of Christmas, anyway. Sudden onset of deadly illnesses with disjointed and impossible progression of symptoms, and him not affected? Christmas! Someone out there loves him. Granted, he might not be able to help anyone get better and that's lame, but answers. Answers are something he is particularly prepared to provide. House is also curious if there's some psychosomatic effect at work here that might let him influence people. He goes on audio for this, and someone sounds almost gleeful.]

Hello, sick people! Dr. House here. I am a board certified medical professional and tenured professor of diagnostics at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey. I have a double specialty infectious disease and nephrology and head the only Department of Diagnostic Medicine in the world in my universe.

All that said... tell me what ails you, Snowhell. Details required. Pics if you need them. Allow me to diagnose you. This service is free of charge for today only! Or however long this whole thing lasts. I'll even prescribe you meds if they're relevant to your condition. Step right up, then! Don't be shy.

It should go without saying, but I am limited to identification and diagnosis of Earth-based diseases. So if you've got a different name in your universe for the measels, I'm still calling them the measels.

((OOC: While House is an ace diagnostician, I am very much not. It would be helpful for me if you could indicate the disease or diseases your character is suffering from for the event or indicate that the constellation of symptoms was pulled at random/non-Earth-based.))

Comments

[rubikscomplex]

Why? I didn't give it to you. And again, not a veterinarian. Would you expect a cat to be able to accurately diagnose and treat a human when their training is with cats?

[He's just going to call you out on your impossible standards while you're sick, Bluestar. At least his tone isn't combative. House is genuinely curious what justification she can come up with.]

[dousedflame]

[She's an old lady in a strange new world, can you really expect her to be reasonable?]

Well, how would I know they work differently? Last I knew, there weren't any medicine cats around to give their thoughts on the matter. You're the closest I have.

And anyway, the least you could do is try to be compassionate, instead of brushing me off for having a simple disease. Cats depend on a medicine cat to make them feel stronger, even if their health looks bleak. I don't know how different things are for Twolegs, but I'd assume they don't want to be made to feel even worse when their medicine Twoleg comes around.

[rubikscomplex]

So, because I was mean to you, I should be responsible for your death. That's what you're saying. You must be fun at parties.

I didn't go into medicine to be compassionate. I went into medicine to diagnose and cure diseases. I gave you things you can do to deal with the immediate symptoms. If you want me to scratch your ears and tell you you're a good girl, yes you are, pretty kitty, you're gonna be so strong... well, I can do that. Didn't think you wanted me to treat you like a pet, though.

[dousedflame]

There's no time for parties in worlds like mine. I'm trying to keep myself alive so I can go back and do my job.

[And this is accented by a very adorable, if painful-sounding, kitty sneeze.]

Are you seriously telling me Twolegs don't have any medicine for greencough? All I can do is treat my runny nose and pray to StarClan?

[How have they survived this long??]

[rubikscomplex]

We have meds for herpes and calicivirus. I'm not a veterinarian. And the majority of human medications I'd prescribe are poisonous to you. So, treat your runny nose, lay down, drink plenty of fluids, and stop whining. There's a guy whose brain is on fire and another one whose limbs are turning black and would typically need to be cut off at this point. You are at the seriously light end of the spectrum for suffering.

Are all warriors this pathetic, or is it just you? Suck it up, Buttercup.

[dousedflame]

[Well... um... well.

Her eyes widen a bit at those descriptions, and the anger leaves her body. That does put things in perspective; she'd nearly forgotten there were others out there for him to worry about, and he has no reason to follow the guideline of only healing his own clanmates. He has no clanmates.]

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about that.

[She seems sheepish now, wondering how to reconcile her blunder. No one in her group is sick, so she had simply... not thought much further than that. Not thought about the possibly hundreds of Twolegs who need House's help more.]

I'll leave you to it, then.

[rubikscomplex]

[He doesn't bother to reply. He's unrepentant about making her feel bad when she was being annoying, and he has more interesting cases to attend to.]