[log] Let the walls break- What we have they cannot take [Closed to Sad Losers]

[heroproceeding]

Characters: Kunsel (deus_ex_phs), Zack (heroproceeding), Zell (swatsflies), and Jim (rattlingthestars)
Location Building 141 [Post Office]
Date: Evening/Night of Day 122
Summary: THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN. And finding each other again after TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED IN HOGWARTS SNOWHELL. As usual. TIME TO GET THE WHOLE GANG TOGETHER AGAIN.
Warnings: Likely lots of mentions of character death. Snot. More snot. Blah blah serious business.



[ BOO HOO HOO GHIBLI TEARS EVERYWHERE AGAIN.

MAKE YO' OWN TOPLEVELS, BITCHES. ]

Comments

[heroproceeding]

[ Even after initially reuniting, Zack hadn't strayed far out of sight or earshot since.

He might not remember what happened- but they do. They all do. It makes him want to ask questions, but he doesn't. Not yet. Instead, he just stays. He's here. He's not going anywhere. He still hurts just a little- still wants to talk. But he's also been given time to think. To reflect. And some two cents from others have helped.

Just a matter of ironing out the rest when he's ready to.

Doesn't make him any less welcome to any company as he sits up against one of the walls. Not the counter- never the counter. He figures it's a reminder- and they've got more than enough memories of a time when he'd been sick and things had looked ugly. No need for that, too, on top of what just happened. ]

{+For Zell}

[ At some point, he raises his head, trying to track down the young mercenary. ] Hey! Don't think I've forgotten. You owe me a drink.

[swatsflies]

[He almost did forget, since he told Zack they would save him some when he was buzzed. It was also before all the excitement of nailing Jim and finding out they were hanging with someone who performed a lobotomy on his friend. Fun times.

At the mention, it takes a moment or two before he snaps his fingers.] Oh yeah! Give me a moment, man. [Dropping down to a crouch to snag the bottle from Jim's stuff. Pausing to help himself to Zack's bag to grab the drinking glass from it. Setting up stuff on the lobby's counter as he pours a shot.]

It was really good with strawberries. [Snagging the glass and then offering it up to Zack as he stands in front of him.]

[heroproceeding]

[ Welp.

At least he wasn't drunk enough to entirely forget. That's a good sign- even if it takes him a moment to remember. But then Zell's set on situating himself.. and Zack's following along. He lets him do his thing, grabbing the bottle out and everything. Though he doesn't exactly expect Zell to pour him a drink, himself, but then maybe he should have.

He takes that offered glass and sniffs at its contents. It's admittedly nothing familiar although- ] Smells like it would. Hm.. [ He pauses only a moment to give the bottle a measured gaze before he seems satisfied with something and takes a sip, enjoying the warmth in his belly that follows, licking his lips. ] Wow... This stuff's really good.

[ Explains why him and Jim drank it a lot, too. It's like liquid fucking candy. ]

he doesn't mean it like THAT

[swatsflies]

[Helping himself to lean against Zack's side as soon as Zack finished the drink. Reaching around to touch the middle of his back. Letting his fingers brush heavily around to try to feel for any missing chunks from Zack. He felt pretty sturdy earlier with the hug.

His gaze looks over their friend carefully. Checking for any signs of what happened. It looks like the spiders and the admin did their best to eliminate any signs of what actually happened besides what one could see on his outfit. Good news, it looks his hair has been tamed.]

Yeah, it is pretty good. We mixed in with milk. [Which made it easier to drink more of.] Think Jim's planning on taking all of my firsts. [Reaching up with his free hand to poke the loop in his ear.]

SURE HE DOESN'T. --LIES--

[heroproceeding]

[ He counterbalances Zell easily enough when he catches him leaning against him out of the corner of his eye. It's surprising how much of a habit it's become, really. It would honestly be odd if Zell didn't do that at this point. So, he takes it in stride. He keeps himself strangely still otherwise. There's no tension in his back as Zell's hand explores, no twitch or flinch of any sort, even as Zell will find Zack's back to be clear of any indication of what had been. The last remnants remain soaked in his coat and dried up but otherwise...

Otherwise, he's whole again.

Zack, himself, nods a little at the mention of milk- probably a good idea but also a bad one considering how out of it Zell was by the time he'd hit up the network. The latter comment gets a soft snort out of him though. He rolls his eyes, but if the smile's any indication, it's all in good humor. ] Hey, just as long as I don't find you... [ The words leave him there as he glances away.

Somehow, mentioning bleeding on the floor again just... seems far too morbid at that poi- and that's when he flinches back noticeably in surprise. ]

[swatsflies]

[Relief floods over him as he verifies nothing is missing. Moving his hand up to rest a little higher on his back. It's niggling again that something is wrong. There is no arm throw around him. No hand in his shoulder or subtle lean in to the touch that Zack some times does.

He cants his head to the side curious as he listens to Zack. Not at the snort, but just how peculiar Zack has been. Then Zack starts joking back, from his tone, when he flinches. Zell lifts his hand off of the older Soldier.] Whoa! [Looking from his hand, and then craning his neck to try to look at Zack's back. What do you do when your friends suddenly flinch? Poke the spot. Zell places his hand on the spot again, and looks at Zack.]

Something wrong here?

[heroproceeding]

Huh-? No- No, I'm... I'm good, Zell. [ Because clearly all that pausing wasn't suspicious at all. Nor the way not even a hint of a reactive cringe comes from the way Zell prods like he does. Zack does scowl a bit though it seems more to himself than anything as he reaches up to instinctively rub at the back of his head, breathing out a slow exhale.

Through that, he finds his gaze traveling back to the young man and his brows narrow as he studies his own share of cuts. They might be minuscule... but they're a reminder all the same. ]

Must have been one hell of a night... [ The words are quiet. Belatedly apologetic. What they put the boys through then... It had never been his intention. ]

[swatsflies]

[Zell continues to poke and prod just to be sure. Shit be weird, man. He's not going to stop there. Zack's scowl isn't adding up to his words, either. He could be annoyed with people making sure he's okay though.

At the mention of that night, Zell freezes with his inspection. Looking at Zack's eyes to figure out he probably means his new cuts. Reaching up to touch the one on his cheek.]

Yeah. It was...[It was a lot of things that he still is having issues describing.] You were heavier than I remembered.

[heroproceeding]

[ Even as he continues to poke around, Zack just keeps watching him. Listening. Feeling a weight sink in his gut the moment Zell makes that admission. It doesn't take much of an imagination to figure what he means. Zack glances away again, debating... Expression flitting through a myriad of emotions before- ]

What happened- How'd it happen? [ He finds the questions slipping out before he can stop them. But he wants to understand. Even if it's not an easy thing to talk about, even if it's hard, he's not going to stand there oblivious to whatever pain he's put them through. He'll shoulder it with them and not forget this.

Even if it's not an easy thing to face. ]

[swatsflies]

[Moving his hand from Zack's back to the hand resting on the back of his neck to give it a squeeze. His gaze drops to Zack's chest as he aligns his memory of his friends all looking like Riley to Zack's figure. Cringing a bit]

Kunsel probably told you he died last...[He didn't mean to omit that part, but he couldn't let Zack know the truth when they weren't sure if they'll get Kunsel back.] The trap was rigged to the drawer. The moment it was opened, there was an explosion of glass. [He can already see the blood again. All the glass and blood scattered on the floor. The large pool of it under their still warm bodies. Riley- no Kunsel saying his farewells to his best friend.

Swallowing back the wave of emotions that him as his mind was already trying to replace the gas masks with actual faces. With the faces he traced with his hands after they drew their final breaths.] A large piece went through you both.

[heroproceeding]

[ There's a slow nod at that first touch on the subject but no note of shock. Kunsel'd told him he'd watched. It's no news to him, even if it stings to be reminded. No, what... what really stings more is in the way Zell seems to hurt through telling all this.

It's enough to get Zack reaching up and very lightly placing a hand on the young man's shoulder. To start to give the lightest of squeezes, even as he stiffens suddenly at that final answer. He'd registered pain- tons of it -from what he barely remembered from the experience. Knowing what it was and what it'd done though, for a split second, it almost feels like he relives it. Like he can almost feel the piece skewered through him again and he freezes, eyes unfocused. ]

[swatsflies]

[Getting confirmation that Kunsel shared isn't making this easier. Zell couldn't touch the events that transpired that night beyond it. They had to move and keep busy. They had to press forward and deal with the twisted closeness they could share while Zell was undergoing the bullshit of this place.

Instead of gripping on to the hand that connected to his shoulder, Zell moves closer to wrap his arms around Zack. Burying his face against his top as he breathes it in.] You died immediately, but Kunsel was still alive. The glass was the only thing keeping him from bleeding out...

[And they had to remove it. They had to remove Zack and place him on the floor. They were laid down on a bed of glass and blood.] We put him next to you, so he can see you one last time. [He can feel the hot prickling sensation of tears threatening to come forth. Swallowing again as he shakes his head.]

[heroproceeding]

[ One moment, things are clicking. The next, his vision's flooded by a head of hair and he realizes in his daze that Zell had wrapped his arms around him. His own don't immediately come up to reciprocate, partly because what Zell next confirms only makes things hurt more. He's SOLDIER. He knows the reality of a situation like that and it's nothing pretty even back home. Here where everything they usually have to their advantage isn't at their disposal anymore... Zell doesn't have to explain for Zack to understand Kunsel had never stood a chance. Not when the administrator stopped helping.

His own arms finally do... very cautiously come up to curl around Zell. They're oddly light and distributed in a way that's sideways and awkward.. but they're a presence all the same as he tucks his chin against Zell's head, his own eyes burning. ]

Thank you... for what you did for Kuns. [ For seeing him to that end. For treating him with all the dignity and all the respect he could ask for. For not leaving him to die alone, even if he knows that seeing that through, especially when he, himself, was already gone beside him... Hell of a night doesn't even begin to describe it... huh. ]

I'm sorry. [ That they left them alone. That they left them like that. That they'd caused them so much pain. ]

ten million years late with starbucks

[rattlingthestars]

[ It was really only a matter of time before Jim sought him out. It was the floor sitting that drew him in. He hesitates in the door between the lobby and the office, propped against a wall, and studies Zack before he approaches. The memory of Zack collapsing isn't lost on Jim, but it's been replaced with other, worse things. Not just Zack's death - though there's that, too - but what he witnessed in the dream.

It's been long enough that Jim's starting to put together those pieces now: that it hadn't entirely been a dream. Zack's consciousness must've been around, at least, for Jim to enter it. And if it hadn't been Jim's dream, that meant that all that came from somewhere. Rounded up the survivors, he thinks, and the thought sounds like Tifa's voice.

He's not going to spring talking about it on Zack just yet. Not when he's not entirely sure where they stand, or how Zack's doing. Better with Kunsel, he's sure, but those awful minutes of crying over the network stand out in Jim's mind too. He's more careful than usual as he walks over to Zack and drops down beside him, more hesitant to knock shoulders together from the memory of scars. ]

-Hey.

[ Not exactly the most awe-inspiring of beginnings. ]

I... We should talk, right?

/takes that starbucks and sips out of it like a butt

[heroproceeding]

[ It's the sound of boots shuffling in their familiar gait that announces Jim's presence far before the cadet, himself, finds a spot at Zack's side. He doesn't have to look to see who it is at this point. And he doesn't- not immediately. He seems momentarily lost in thought, actually... Even when he's first nudged, he doesn't react. It's only at his voice that he finally seems to fall out of those thoughts and back into the present.

They should talk... right. They really should. It helps he's talked to Zell. It's helped things went as well as they did, too. It still hurts a little... what they did and he knows they need to talk about that, too. About that. About his loss of composure... Whatever they need to talk about, 'We should talk' seems like an understatement. It's enough to get shaking his head with the vaguest uncertain smile. One that fades as soon as it comes and he finds himself looking at the floor again with slightly narrowed brows.

Where should he even start... He guesses... ] ...Been doing a lot of thinking the past few days.

the starbucks is now moldy

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim waits, unsure of exactly what he's expecting at this point. The silence isn't as comfortable as he could be, though htere is a sense of rightness that comes just from sitting together like this. The world's a little closer to realigning.

It's not there yet, though, and it won't get there without Jim doing something about it. Before he can try again, though, Zack breaks his own silence.

A lot of thinking. That could mean basically anything. Jim studies his profile with narrowed eyes, trying to work out some hint of what that faded smile meant. ]

Me too.

[ It's lame, but true. ]

-What've you been thinking about?

RIP Starbucks

[heroproceeding]

[ There's a vague part of a shrug, abandoned halfway. Zack shakes his head a little, still not meeting Jim's eyes though he certainly's looking out of the corner of his own here and there. ]

Just... must'a been hard. With me and Kuns suddenly- you know... [ Gone. Dead. And no guarantee they'd ever be back. Nothing's ever guaranteed. A life can be snuffed out in seconds- Zack's known. He knew something could happen. He's seen it far too many times in his life. And he has a feeling he'll see it far too many times more to come until they get out of there. Until because it's not an 'if'. It can't be or that'll be one more step closer to never and he won't accept that. Not for them.

But that's just the surface to all of this, really. There's more and he knows it. ]

[rattlingthestars]

Dead.

[ Jim finishes the sentence for him, maybe a little too bluntly. Sometimes the best way to avoid hurting, Jim thinks, is throwing something out there before it can be thrown at you. The problem with that - the one he's only just learning his way around - is that sometimes it hurts other people, too.

He takes a deep breath, holds it in for a moment before letting it out slowly. ]

You were gone, and it was just the two of us. We had to move.

[ After they'd pulled the two of them apart, and waited for Kunsel to bleed out. After they'd made the choice between spending the night with corpses and leaving their loved ones behind. ]

We had to keep moving.

[heroproceeding]

[ Maybe it is a bit too blunt- but it's not the first time Jim's been this way with him and he doubts it'll be the last. Hell, Jim had been blunt about his own death. Doesn't change the bite to it. But then nothing really would anyway.

Dead. Gone. Left them alone. Left them to see to Kunsel who'd then died, too. Two lifeless bodies that had only seconds ago been vibrantly alive. Zell, in the state he'd been in, left even more lost between what's real and what's not. But ultimately, no matter how much Zell's been in, Zack knows his bleeding heart. Knows Jim's, too, even if he isn't as avid to show it. The amount of hurt that had put them both through...

They had to keep moving, Jim says.

Zack sits up, but it's only to curl a little more over his knees until he's almost got his face buried in them. Until he's staring forward sightless for a brief moment. ]

I know... You can't do anything for the dead. So, better off focusing on things you can do. I wouldn't'a wanted you two to stay there either. [ Zack slowly shakes his head, biting his lip. ] Zell told me everything.

[rattlingthestars]

[ You can't do anything for the dead. Jim remembers how warm Zack's hand had felt still, when they threaded it through Kunsel's. The awful time between when Zack died and Kunsel faded. Maybe you couldn't, but they'd tried their best to do something.

Jim's watching Zack out of the corner of his eye as the tall, muscular man seems to try and shrink away to nothing. ]

Everything ...?

[ He leaves it hanging, waiting for Zack to elaborate. ] About the day you died?

[heroproceeding]

[ He nods faintly, mouth pressed firmly closed one moment. Opening the next with lips moving to try and sort out the words he wants to say. It still feels surreal. It still hurts to think too much on it and to know the pain that was caused. But it happened and there's no way he can make it unhappen. ]

Yeah.. He told me about what happened with me and the trap. Told me about what happened to Kunsel, too.

[ There's a mixed ache in his voice now, much as he tries to shake it away. ]

And what you both did for him, too. [ He finally turns his head to look Jim's way. He might be blinking more than usual. ] He said you guys stayed with him until the end.

[rattlingthestars]

Of course we did!

[ Jim sounds a little angry, at first, before he clamp down on it. To do otherwise... well, the idea hadn't even occurred to either of them. And his emotions are running high, though it's probably difficult to tell from his body language. He's more still than usual, stiff beside Zack. The only thing that gives him away is the tension in his hands. ]

If there'd been a chance, Zack...

[ But there hadn't been. 'Emergency services' were suspended, and they'd been powerless to stop the bleeding once they had Zack free. ]

But there wasn't.

[heroproceeding]

I know there wasn't! I'm not blaming you!

[ The shout comes out, sudden and loud- unnecessarily so for many reasons and Zack snaps his mouth closed. Looks down at his own hands before he glimpses back at Jim. Looks him over maybe a bit too long. Drags out that silence maybe a bit too much.

Until Zack finally... Very carefully aims a hand to Jim's shoulder. The hesitance is obvios from his initial touch down to the unsure way his hand tightens there. Probably oddly lighter than usual as he finally tries for eye contact. ]

I'm thanking you. Thank you... For doing that. It meant a lot to me to hear that. [ Enough that he's sounding a little hoarse from the thought alone. ]

[rattlingthestars]

[ Jim winces at the noise before he really processes the words, tipping a little sideways away from Zack before his mind catches up with his body. He can't blame Zack for the yelling, or the wild mix of emotions. It changed you, no matter how long or how short a time you were dead.

Jim gradually relaxes, sitting up straight where he was by the time Zack's trying to touch him. He sees the hesitation, the same as he'd seen earlier, but he hadn't put together the pieces yet. This is another strange one, but Jim's puzzlement is momentarily forgotten at his next words.

Jim meets his eyes and takes a long, ragged breath - the kind he draws when he's trying not to cry. ] It didn't change anything. Either time.

[heroproceeding]

[ He guesses he should have figured. He should have figured saying that wouldn't have made it any easier for Jim. Saying that wouldn't have changed his thoughts and feelings about what happened back there. That he should have been able to do more. That he failed him yet again. And those words do come like clockwork and Zack's already rearing to argue back.

Expect there's one small detail and it has him frozen right before he utters a word, appearing lost and almost baffled. ]

What do you mean "either time"?