snowblindrpg | [log] Let the walls break- What we have they cannot take [Closed to Sad Losers]

Dead.

[ Jim finishes the sentence for him, maybe a little too bluntly. Sometimes the best way to avoid hurting, Jim thinks, is throwing something out there before it can be thrown at you. The problem with that - the one he's only just learning his way around - is that sometimes it hurts other people, too.

He takes a deep breath, holds it in for a moment before letting it out slowly. ]

You were gone, and it was just the two of us. We had to move.

[ After they'd pulled the two of them apart, and waited for Kunsel to bleed out. After they'd made the choice between spending the night with corpses and leaving their loved ones behind. ]

We had to keep moving.

[ Maybe it is a bit too blunt- but it's not the first time Jim's been this way with him and he doubts it'll be the last. Hell, Jim had been blunt about his own death. Doesn't change the bite to it. But then nothing really would anyway.

Dead. Gone. Left them alone. Left them to see to Kunsel who'd then died, too. Two lifeless bodies that had only seconds ago been vibrantly alive. Zell, in the state he'd been in, left even more lost between what's real and what's not. But ultimately, no matter how much Zell's been in, Zack knows his bleeding heart. Knows Jim's, too, even if he isn't as avid to show it. The amount of hurt that had put them both through...

They had to keep moving, Jim says.

Zack sits up, but it's only to curl a little more over his knees until he's almost got his face buried in them. Until he's staring forward sightless for a brief moment. ]

I know... You can't do anything for the dead. So, better off focusing on things you can do. I wouldn't'a wanted you two to stay there either. [ Zack slowly shakes his head, biting his lip. ] Zell told me everything.

[ You can't do anything for the dead. Jim remembers how warm Zack's hand had felt still, when they threaded it through Kunsel's. The awful time between when Zack died and Kunsel faded. Maybe you couldn't, but they'd tried their best to do something.

Jim's watching Zack out of the corner of his eye as the tall, muscular man seems to try and shrink away to nothing. ]

Everything ...?

[ He leaves it hanging, waiting for Zack to elaborate. ] About the day you died?

[ He nods faintly, mouth pressed firmly closed one moment. Opening the next with lips moving to try and sort out the words he wants to say. It still feels surreal. It still hurts to think too much on it and to know the pain that was caused. But it happened and there's no way he can make it unhappen. ]

Yeah.. He told me about what happened with me and the trap. Told me about what happened to Kunsel, too.

[ There's a mixed ache in his voice now, much as he tries to shake it away. ]

And what you both did for him, too. [ He finally turns his head to look Jim's way. He might be blinking more than usual. ] He said you guys stayed with him until the end.

Of course we did!

[ Jim sounds a little angry, at first, before he clamp down on it. To do otherwise... well, the idea hadn't even occurred to either of them. And his emotions are running high, though it's probably difficult to tell from his body language. He's more still than usual, stiff beside Zack. The only thing that gives him away is the tension in his hands. ]

If there'd been a chance, Zack...

[ But there hadn't been. 'Emergency services' were suspended, and they'd been powerless to stop the bleeding once they had Zack free. ]

But there wasn't.

I know there wasn't! I'm not blaming you!

[ The shout comes out, sudden and loud- unnecessarily so for many reasons and Zack snaps his mouth closed. Looks down at his own hands before he glimpses back at Jim. Looks him over maybe a bit too long. Drags out that silence maybe a bit too much.

Until Zack finally... Very carefully aims a hand to Jim's shoulder. The hesitance is obvios from his initial touch down to the unsure way his hand tightens there. Probably oddly lighter than usual as he finally tries for eye contact. ]

I'm thanking you. Thank you... For doing that. It meant a lot to me to hear that. [ Enough that he's sounding a little hoarse from the thought alone. ]

Edited 2016-12-11 08:50 (UTC)

[ Jim winces at the noise before he really processes the words, tipping a little sideways away from Zack before his mind catches up with his body. He can't blame Zack for the yelling, or the wild mix of emotions. It changed you, no matter how long or how short a time you were dead.

Jim gradually relaxes, sitting up straight where he was by the time Zack's trying to touch him. He sees the hesitation, the same as he'd seen earlier, but he hadn't put together the pieces yet. This is another strange one, but Jim's puzzlement is momentarily forgotten at his next words.

Jim meets his eyes and takes a long, ragged breath - the kind he draws when he's trying not to cry. ] It didn't change anything. Either time.

[ He guesses he should have figured. He should have figured saying that wouldn't have made it any easier for Jim. Saying that wouldn't have changed his thoughts and feelings about what happened back there. That he should have been able to do more. That he failed him yet again. And those words do come like clockwork and Zack's already rearing to argue back.

Expect there's one small detail and it has him frozen right before he utters a word, appearing lost and almost baffled. ]

What do you mean "either time"?

The -

[ Jim hesitates, thrown off by Zack's confusion. Was he wrong? Had it really jut been a product of Jim's own mind? Everything in it had felt so real and solid, but... Zack had been dead. ]

Your dream.

[ It takes more courage than Jim would like to press on, but he does it anyway. ]

The one we shared.

My... dream?

[ It takes him... It takes him a moment to even realize what Jim could mean from that. It's only been a few days, really, since that strange stuff started to happen. Like the dream he and Sora had shared. And a few others, but.... Zack scrunches his nose. ]

You mean the one with the lava...?

[...No, Jim had said it was his dream... ]

No!

[ Jim's frustrated again, though not entirely at Zack. He'd hoped Zack would remember, that he wouldn't have to explain it all. That would only make things more painful. ]

The one in your head. The one at -

[ He pauses, not certain he ever heard the name of the location. He remembers those scientists bent over Zack - so well that even thinking of it makes him feel heavy - and he'd just guessed. ]

-I think it was Nibelheim.

[ He doesn't expect the way Jim suddenly starts yelling as he does. Enough so to wince, to hold up a hand in defense. The words are right there in his throat- 'I don't know what you're talking about!'

But they never come. Because the moment Jim mentions that town, Zack goes completely rigid. Slowly, uneasily, he looks up. ]

It isn't... like I haven't told you what happened there before. You're sure that wasn't just one of your own dreams?

[ He had been gone. Dead. What about it would a dream like that make Jim think...? Yet, there's this strange underlying feeling to that thought... ]

Zack, you saw my world.

[ The weird old-fashioned hand-made jumble of the inn, the historical clothes, everything. ]

Nothing I would've imagined looks like what it did in that dream. It wasn't mine, it was about what -

[ He bites his tongue, aware that they've never talked about it. Aware that this might not be the best time. But Zack's not going to believe him otherwise, he thinks, so: ]

-what happened to you, after Sephiroth.

[ He had seen his world. That other night. But that doesn't mean Jim couldn't have had a different dream the following night, right? Or the night after that or the one after that. And it doesn't mean he couldn't have had dreams about them, especially after what had happened, right?

That doesn't mean that-

Zack freezes. But it's not just at those words, no. Jim could have had ideas, sure. Zack's told him some of the story of the aftermath. But there's something... off. Even as he glances back at Jim with narrowed eyes. ] That's not that strange. I mean I told you about when I was on the run.

Not that.

[ Jim's voice is breaking; the words come out as a miserable croak. ]

You weren't on the run. Not yet, I guess, or maybe you'd been caught...

[ Jim doesn't know the timeline, not exactly, but he can makes some guesses. ]

Tifa said - the survivors, at Nibelheim. That they were rounded up and.

[ He can't finish. ]

And you were at Nibelheim.

[ 'You were at Nibelheim.'

For the longest time, something like that between them- it had been simply fact. A cold, hard fact, granted, about a village he didn't save. About a General he couldn't save either. About a man once so highly respected in ShinRa having to be torn down off his pedestal when everything went wrong. About how everything had gone wrong after that- but the way he says it.

Jim's not talking about anything like that. And something in Zack clenches tight even as apparent fear races in his widening eyes for the split second he looks at Jim. Like he'd suddenly been stripped bare for all to see. Like back at the hospital when Zell had found him.

It's just a moment- there and gone -and then he's looking down at the floor instead. ] But how? I mean I was...

[ Dead men don't dream. Unless... He clenches his fist tight at his knee. ]

Maybe... not entirely.

[ It's difficult to think about. Jim knows, without a doubt, that Zack was dead. It wasn't a trick. There was no mistaking it. ]

Maybe you'd already started to revive, you just hadn't woken up yet.

[ It's easier, in a way, to focus on those logistics than it is to ask did they make you a monster. ]

That'd be... all I could figure...

[ But that's granted this is even... true. But he also knows Jim well enough. To know that Jim wouldn't lie about this. Wouldn't bring something up unless it...

Zack's hand goes back over his eyes, rubbing them. Reaching down to his chin again, masking his expression somewhat. ]

...What did you see?

[ Jim steals a glace at Zack's face, and then away. It's painful, and it sucks that they need to talk about it as soon as Zack was back, but they do. Jim needs to know if what he saw was real, and Zack needs to know what Jim knows.

'It's too much! His body can't handle that much!' ]

It started in a place that looked like the hospital. [ Or, if he thinks about it - and he's trying very hard not to - like any of the morgues. ] You were tied down, but fighting.

[ Of course he was. Zack would have to be dead to stop fighting. ]

[ There's a certain tension that seems to come over him the moment Jim mentions hospital. A certain way Zack's posture seems to tighten and recognition flickers across his eyes one moment. Then he's closing them the next. And when he opens them again, he's looking at the floor although he does finally remove his hand, revealing slightly grit teeth. ]

If it's what I think you're talking about, it wasn't a hospital... It was a lab. [ He's had far too many nightmares about it, lived it far too many years. There's no way for his memory to distort it by now.

But he doesn't say anything more than that for now, letting Jim continue to fill in the blanks in case there's more to share. ]

Edited 2017-01-08 01:53 (UTC)

A lab. [ Jim's voice is soft, taking in the new information quietly without disturbing Zack. The tone and posture are dangerous, and Jim's being careful - not for his own sake, but for Zack's. ] With steel tables, and doctors.

[ If they could even be called that. What they were doing hadn't been to help anyone. ]

I stopped them. [ No mention of how, though Jim's fists curl in memory. ] Before they - I thought I stopped them.

[ The echo's nothing on him. It's the mention of the tables and the doctors- scientists -that gets a visible shiver out of Zack despite himself. No matter how long it's been, he can't quite get away from that minute crawl that sneaks in under his skin if he thinks about it long enough, but then four years under the knife would do that to anyone, wouldn't it.

But he's not lost to the way Jim struggles to talk about it. And no matter how ice cold it feels to hear Jim admit to what he saw, something he never would have wanted Jim to know let alone see, Zack automatically finds a hand on Jim's shoulder. The touch is light again- almost too careful. But it's there. ]

Jim... That was a dream. It's not your fault.

Edited (typo sin 8|) 2017-02-05 19:31 (UTC)

I know.

[ Jim doesn't sound like he knows; he just sounds miserable, like he's struggling under the same useless cloud of guilt. Nevermind that it hadn't affected anything in reality - Zack doesn't even remember it - Jim had failed to make a difference there. And later -

He's not thinking about later, yet. They'll get to that in a minute. ]

Doesn't matter. Do you want to hear the rest of it?

[ Maybe he's trying to duck out of it. He can already see what the story's doing to his friend. ]

[ The uncertainty in his voice isn't anything new at this point. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. Doesn't make Zack wish any less that Jim had never witnessed a dream? Nightmare? Memory? He doesn't know what to call it exactly, even when he claims that's all it was- a dream. Like it was nothing more than that even though they both know that's not the truth.

Especially when Jim sounds like he wants to pull away. But for as much as he'd rather not have Jim recount things, for as much as he would want this dead and buried and never spoken of again- he needs to know what Jim knows. Because that's the only way he'll even begin to help him cope with this new information, whatever that information should be. And peel away fact from fiction.

So, he nudges out a solemn nod, eyes back on the cadet. His hand remains resting on Jim's shoulder, but it almost feels as if it's forgotten, grip limp. ]

[ Jim takes a shaky breath, comforted by the touch on his shoulder - however loose and half-hearted it is. It's a physical reminder to have courage, press on, even if Jim's not sure of the destination or the wisdom in going there. The fact that Zack's not trying to get out of this conversation alone means Jim knows it's one they have to have. ]

Right. So - took out the guys. You were strapped down, didn't say anything. The whole dream, you didn't say anything.

[ He sounds... a little betrayed by that, actually. He had so badly wanted Zack to say something. ]

I was afraid you wouldn't recognize me, after all that, but you did. And it was okay, except that the dream kept feeling like the jeweler's. I thought it was my nightmare, but I'd never seen anything like most of that stuff.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject