snowblindrpg | [log] Let the walls break- What we have they cannot take [Closed to Sad Losers]

Maybe... not entirely.

[ It's difficult to think about. Jim knows, without a doubt, that Zack was dead. It wasn't a trick. There was no mistaking it. ]

Maybe you'd already started to revive, you just hadn't woken up yet.

[ It's easier, in a way, to focus on those logistics than it is to ask did they make you a monster. ]

That'd be... all I could figure...

[ But that's granted this is even... true. But he also knows Jim well enough. To know that Jim wouldn't lie about this. Wouldn't bring something up unless it...

Zack's hand goes back over his eyes, rubbing them. Reaching down to his chin again, masking his expression somewhat. ]

...What did you see?

[ Jim steals a glace at Zack's face, and then away. It's painful, and it sucks that they need to talk about it as soon as Zack was back, but they do. Jim needs to know if what he saw was real, and Zack needs to know what Jim knows.

'It's too much! His body can't handle that much!' ]

It started in a place that looked like the hospital. [ Or, if he thinks about it - and he's trying very hard not to - like any of the morgues. ] You were tied down, but fighting.

[ Of course he was. Zack would have to be dead to stop fighting. ]

[ There's a certain tension that seems to come over him the moment Jim mentions hospital. A certain way Zack's posture seems to tighten and recognition flickers across his eyes one moment. Then he's closing them the next. And when he opens them again, he's looking at the floor although he does finally remove his hand, revealing slightly grit teeth. ]

If it's what I think you're talking about, it wasn't a hospital... It was a lab. [ He's had far too many nightmares about it, lived it far too many years. There's no way for his memory to distort it by now.

But he doesn't say anything more than that for now, letting Jim continue to fill in the blanks in case there's more to share. ]

Edited 2017-01-08 01:53 (UTC)

A lab. [ Jim's voice is soft, taking in the new information quietly without disturbing Zack. The tone and posture are dangerous, and Jim's being careful - not for his own sake, but for Zack's. ] With steel tables, and doctors.

[ If they could even be called that. What they were doing hadn't been to help anyone. ]

I stopped them. [ No mention of how, though Jim's fists curl in memory. ] Before they - I thought I stopped them.

[ The echo's nothing on him. It's the mention of the tables and the doctors- scientists -that gets a visible shiver out of Zack despite himself. No matter how long it's been, he can't quite get away from that minute crawl that sneaks in under his skin if he thinks about it long enough, but then four years under the knife would do that to anyone, wouldn't it.

But he's not lost to the way Jim struggles to talk about it. And no matter how ice cold it feels to hear Jim admit to what he saw, something he never would have wanted Jim to know let alone see, Zack automatically finds a hand on Jim's shoulder. The touch is light again- almost too careful. But it's there. ]

Jim... That was a dream. It's not your fault.

Edited (typo sin 8|) 2017-02-05 19:31 (UTC)

I know.

[ Jim doesn't sound like he knows; he just sounds miserable, like he's struggling under the same useless cloud of guilt. Nevermind that it hadn't affected anything in reality - Zack doesn't even remember it - Jim had failed to make a difference there. And later -

He's not thinking about later, yet. They'll get to that in a minute. ]

Doesn't matter. Do you want to hear the rest of it?

[ Maybe he's trying to duck out of it. He can already see what the story's doing to his friend. ]

[ The uncertainty in his voice isn't anything new at this point. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. Doesn't make Zack wish any less that Jim had never witnessed a dream? Nightmare? Memory? He doesn't know what to call it exactly, even when he claims that's all it was- a dream. Like it was nothing more than that even though they both know that's not the truth.

Especially when Jim sounds like he wants to pull away. But for as much as he'd rather not have Jim recount things, for as much as he would want this dead and buried and never spoken of again- he needs to know what Jim knows. Because that's the only way he'll even begin to help him cope with this new information, whatever that information should be. And peel away fact from fiction.

So, he nudges out a solemn nod, eyes back on the cadet. His hand remains resting on Jim's shoulder, but it almost feels as if it's forgotten, grip limp. ]

[ Jim takes a shaky breath, comforted by the touch on his shoulder - however loose and half-hearted it is. It's a physical reminder to have courage, press on, even if Jim's not sure of the destination or the wisdom in going there. The fact that Zack's not trying to get out of this conversation alone means Jim knows it's one they have to have. ]

Right. So - took out the guys. You were strapped down, didn't say anything. The whole dream, you didn't say anything.

[ He sounds... a little betrayed by that, actually. He had so badly wanted Zack to say something. ]

I was afraid you wouldn't recognize me, after all that, but you did. And it was okay, except that the dream kept feeling like the jeweler's. I thought it was my nightmare, but I'd never seen anything like most of that stuff.

[ Strapped down sounds about right. Didn't say anything though? That gets a puzzled look forming on his face until something seems to cross it instead, but it's there and gone. There and gone and then he's back to absorbing the rest of the details with furrowed brows instead. ]

...I honestly don't remember much of what happened at the jeweler's, so that might'a been all you there. But considering what you've already told me, unless there's something you haven't told me before, then no. I don't think it was just your nightmare.

[ Not when he knows for a fact that there's only two people who had ever known anything about that. And both of them would never tell. Zack finally looks up again and while he still looks weary, he presses anyway. ] What else did you see?

[ Jim misses the flash of that look, but it's just as well; he wouldn't have known what it meant anyway. He doesn't turn to look at Zack, even though he tenses with the knowledge that he had brought at least a small part of the terrible dream.

It didn't matter. Zack forgot it all, anyway, and so Jim's going to have to tell the whole story. Doesn't mean he can't skim over the awfulness of coaxing Zack down off that table. ]

You couldn't really walk all that well so - it was pretty slow. I gave you my jacket.

[ Jim doesn't think to fill in the why. ]

We heard soldiers coming and ducked into another room, one with broken glass and hot water all over the floor. It was actually warm there. I thought we were safe but then -

Your eyes turned green, and we heard wolves.

[ Couldn't walk.. He doesn't look surprised by this information. Doesn't stop him from covering his eyes and letting out a controlled breath. Bare, sedated, pumped full of whatever the hell kind of cocktail they'd decided to administrate to him that day, and likely in pain from whatever else they'd done that day... Of course, he wouldn't have been able to walk.

Jim didn't need to see that. Jim didn't need to see that.

The next breath he takes in has a soft hiss to it. Listen. Move forward. Don't focus on those details. Don't make Jim worry more. Heard soldiers coming- of course, they would. They'd be after him. He'd expect that, so the dream- no, nightmare, would provide. But where does the hot water connect. And why the..? ]

Wolves? [ His brows knit tighter before it clicks as he rubs his temples. ] Must have been Nibel wolves. We.. We were still in Nibelheim, after all.

Must've been. I don't know.

[ Jim shrinks into himself even more, if it's possible. He feels like he might disappear, but of course that's impossible. No way out of this conversation except moving forward.

Even with the knowledge, though, the silence stretches. ]

They chased us up to something that looked like an observatory, but the roof was broken. Snow was getting in.

Observatory... [ The blank look on Zack's face spells out enough that he has no idea what Jim's talking about from that description alone. But in the end, it doesn't really matter where it was so much as what was happening to get Jim this shaken up. And if he's still talking about it even now, there's got to be something bigger to all of this. Something he hasn't touched on just yet. Maybe he's even afraid to talk about it, but.

Zack gestures again for him to continue. ] So, what was up there?

Wolves. Giant ones. A sword, too.

[ One of Zack's, he's pretty sure, or something like it. It didn't look like anything from Jim's world. ]

They attacked, but you were too weak to fight, so I. [ His hands clasp, as if around the hilt of a board sword, but he shakes his head. ] I drew 'em off. Sent a couple tumbling outside, over a cliff, but…

[ Wolves? Giant ones? All he can think of are Nibel wolves from back home. And he mentioned seeing... Yeah, they were probably Nibel ones. A small detail though. It's the "too weak to fight", enough that Jim had to take the wheel, that no doubt added to the anxiety of the nightmare. He always wants to have their backs, always wants to look out for them and protect them and there Jim had been put in the position of having to protect him.

And from the sound of things... Zack raises his chin, nudging him on. ] Lemme guess... That was just the start.

Mm.

[ The next pause is a little longer still as Jim tries to remember the way the creature looked. It's insubstantial, like most dreams on waking; all he has is the impression of danger, teeth and glowing eyes- ]

There was a monster. I guess one of the people ShinRa hurt.

[ Both, at the same time, which is what made it so awful. ]

Knew I probably couldn't fight that off, so I tried to draw it away.

One of the ones from the reactor... huh.

[ Those alone had been... Well, they'd been horrifying to find never mind find out that they had once been human. And that only had made his time under ShinRa manor worse during whatever conscious thoughts he had had. Is that what they would have become back there eventually if sickness hadn't pulled Cloud under? If his tolerance hadn't been that high?

He doesn't know and finds himself once more not wanting to know as he shifts in his seat a bit. ]

Hate to say it... but you're right on that one.

[ Jim gives Zack a sharp, almost wounded look that vanishes almost immediately. Zack's not wrong, but it still burns that Jim wasn't able to do anything much in the end. ]

-Guess so. Anyway. Tried my best to out-maneuver it, but that didn't work, either. Lucky by the time it had me pinned, you were ... back on your feet.

[ Jim knows Zack can hear the world of things he's not saying, but he's desperate to put it off for a few more minutes. ]

[ It's impossible not to notice that look, however brief it is. But why takes him a second more of backtracking. Enough that by the time he's opened his mouth, Jim's talking again and Zack's left with his mouth hanging open, what words he had to say stuck at the back of his throat. Though whether it's the implication he's been left with or something else, it's hard to say at first.

Finally, Zack mutters quietly. ] I didn't mean that.. [ But it's quiet and almost feels pointless now to say it in the air that hangs between them. In the circumstance he can feel hanging over them and in Jim's words, but at this point, Zack doesn't say anything more. Just watches him expectantly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. ]

It's...

[ Jim makes a gesture, physically waving it off. It doesn't matter, it's not important, and it's nothing compared to what's coming. ]

You weren't yourself. You were a monster.

[ He regrets the word choice, as soon as he says it. Knows Zack's fears, remembers his own. He rushes ahead then, before Zack can react. ]

But you saved me.

[ Weren't himself. Had been a monster.

It was a nightmare. Zack knows as much. Knows that and knows how much this town can warp them. Anyone- doesn't matter where you come from, what you do or believe in. The hallucinations and the fear and the confusion... He knows that.

But it doesn't change one thing. ]

Of course, I'd save you. [ There's no doubt in his tone as he says it, his voice louder and firmer than it's been the whole conversation as he looks up at Jim. ] I'd do everything in my power to do that.

Wasn't sure for a minute. [ Jim doesn't want to admit that, not when it's the first thing Zack's sounded confident about since this conversation began, but it's true. ] Then... I don't know, the way you moved or looked or something. It had to be you.

That wasn't the end of it, though. The people who were chasing us caught up, and they were a lot better armed.

[ The way he looked.. or maybe it was just the whole dream thing. That whole sense of knowing. He's not sure. It isn't really important in the end with the how anyway, isn't it. Sure doesn't seem so anyway with what else Jim's bringing to attention and Zack grimaces. ] ShinRa, probably... They would'a been after me if I'd gotten out.

[ But there's something a little unsteady to those words and Zack finds himself looking away. ] Lemme guess. We ended up cornered.

On a cliff. It was raining.

[ It's an agreement, more or less. Jim had been expecting more of a reaction to the idea that Zack had become a monster. This part has Jim back on surer footing; it was only a nightmare, after all. ]

They opened fire, drove us back. You shielded me but we fell anyway.

And then I woke up.

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