snowblindrpg | [log] Let the walls break- What we have they cannot take [Closed to Sad Losers]

[He almost did forget, since he told Zack they would save him some when he was buzzed. It was also before all the excitement of nailing Jim and finding out they were hanging with someone who performed a lobotomy on his friend. Fun times.

At the mention, it takes a moment or two before he snaps his fingers.] Oh yeah! Give me a moment, man. [Dropping down to a crouch to snag the bottle from Jim's stuff. Pausing to help himself to Zack's bag to grab the drinking glass from it. Setting up stuff on the lobby's counter as he pours a shot.]

It was really good with strawberries. [Snagging the glass and then offering it up to Zack as he stands in front of him.]

[ Welp.

At least he wasn't drunk enough to entirely forget. That's a good sign- even if it takes him a moment to remember. But then Zell's set on situating himself.. and Zack's following along. He lets him do his thing, grabbing the bottle out and everything. Though he doesn't exactly expect Zell to pour him a drink, himself, but then maybe he should have.

He takes that offered glass and sniffs at its contents. It's admittedly nothing familiar although- ] Smells like it would. Hm.. [ He pauses only a moment to give the bottle a measured gaze before he seems satisfied with something and takes a sip, enjoying the warmth in his belly that follows, licking his lips. ] Wow... This stuff's really good.

[ Explains why him and Jim drank it a lot, too. It's like liquid fucking candy. ]

[Helping himself to lean against Zack's side as soon as Zack finished the drink. Reaching around to touch the middle of his back. Letting his fingers brush heavily around to try to feel for any missing chunks from Zack. He felt pretty sturdy earlier with the hug.

His gaze looks over their friend carefully. Checking for any signs of what happened. It looks like the spiders and the admin did their best to eliminate any signs of what actually happened besides what one could see on his outfit. Good news, it looks his hair has been tamed.]

Yeah, it is pretty good. We mixed in with milk. [Which made it easier to drink more of.] Think Jim's planning on taking all of my firsts. [Reaching up with his free hand to poke the loop in his ear.]

[ He counterbalances Zell easily enough when he catches him leaning against him out of the corner of his eye. It's surprising how much of a habit it's become, really. It would honestly be odd if Zell didn't do that at this point. So, he takes it in stride. He keeps himself strangely still otherwise. There's no tension in his back as Zell's hand explores, no twitch or flinch of any sort, even as Zell will find Zack's back to be clear of any indication of what had been. The last remnants remain soaked in his coat and dried up but otherwise...

Otherwise, he's whole again.

Zack, himself, nods a little at the mention of milk- probably a good idea but also a bad one considering how out of it Zell was by the time he'd hit up the network. The latter comment gets a soft snort out of him though. He rolls his eyes, but if the smile's any indication, it's all in good humor. ] Hey, just as long as I don't find you... [ The words leave him there as he glances away.

Somehow, mentioning bleeding on the floor again just... seems far too morbid at that poi- and that's when he flinches back noticeably in surprise. ]

[Relief floods over him as he verifies nothing is missing. Moving his hand up to rest a little higher on his back. It's niggling again that something is wrong. There is no arm throw around him. No hand in his shoulder or subtle lean in to the touch that Zack some times does.

He cants his head to the side curious as he listens to Zack. Not at the snort, but just how peculiar Zack has been. Then Zack starts joking back, from his tone, when he flinches. Zell lifts his hand off of the older Soldier.] Whoa! [Looking from his hand, and then craning his neck to try to look at Zack's back. What do you do when your friends suddenly flinch? Poke the spot. Zell places his hand on the spot again, and looks at Zack.]

Something wrong here?

Huh-? No- No, I'm... I'm good, Zell. [ Because clearly all that pausing wasn't suspicious at all. Nor the way not even a hint of a reactive cringe comes from the way Zell prods like he does. Zack does scowl a bit though it seems more to himself than anything as he reaches up to instinctively rub at the back of his head, breathing out a slow exhale.

Through that, he finds his gaze traveling back to the young man and his brows narrow as he studies his own share of cuts. They might be minuscule... but they're a reminder all the same. ]

Must have been one hell of a night... [ The words are quiet. Belatedly apologetic. What they put the boys through then... It had never been his intention. ]

[Zell continues to poke and prod just to be sure. Shit be weird, man. He's not going to stop there. Zack's scowl isn't adding up to his words, either. He could be annoyed with people making sure he's okay though.

At the mention of that night, Zell freezes with his inspection. Looking at Zack's eyes to figure out he probably means his new cuts. Reaching up to touch the one on his cheek.]

Yeah. It was...[It was a lot of things that he still is having issues describing.] You were heavier than I remembered.

[ Even as he continues to poke around, Zack just keeps watching him. Listening. Feeling a weight sink in his gut the moment Zell makes that admission. It doesn't take much of an imagination to figure what he means. Zack glances away again, debating... Expression flitting through a myriad of emotions before- ]

What happened- How'd it happen? [ He finds the questions slipping out before he can stop them. But he wants to understand. Even if it's not an easy thing to talk about, even if it's hard, he's not going to stand there oblivious to whatever pain he's put them through. He'll shoulder it with them and not forget this.

Even if it's not an easy thing to face. ]

[Moving his hand from Zack's back to the hand resting on the back of his neck to give it a squeeze. His gaze drops to Zack's chest as he aligns his memory of his friends all looking like Riley to Zack's figure. Cringing a bit]

Kunsel probably told you he died last...[He didn't mean to omit that part, but he couldn't let Zack know the truth when they weren't sure if they'll get Kunsel back.] The trap was rigged to the drawer. The moment it was opened, there was an explosion of glass. [He can already see the blood again. All the glass and blood scattered on the floor. The large pool of it under their still warm bodies. Riley- no Kunsel saying his farewells to his best friend.

Swallowing back the wave of emotions that him as his mind was already trying to replace the gas masks with actual faces. With the faces he traced with his hands after they drew their final breaths.] A large piece went through you both.

[ There's a slow nod at that first touch on the subject but no note of shock. Kunsel'd told him he'd watched. It's no news to him, even if it stings to be reminded. No, what... what really stings more is in the way Zell seems to hurt through telling all this.

It's enough to get Zack reaching up and very lightly placing a hand on the young man's shoulder. To start to give the lightest of squeezes, even as he stiffens suddenly at that final answer. He'd registered pain- tons of it -from what he barely remembered from the experience. Knowing what it was and what it'd done though, for a split second, it almost feels like he relives it. Like he can almost feel the piece skewered through him again and he freezes, eyes unfocused. ]

Edited 2016-06-15 06:48 (UTC)

[Getting confirmation that Kunsel shared isn't making this easier. Zell couldn't touch the events that transpired that night beyond it. They had to move and keep busy. They had to press forward and deal with the twisted closeness they could share while Zell was undergoing the bullshit of this place.

Instead of gripping on to the hand that connected to his shoulder, Zell moves closer to wrap his arms around Zack. Burying his face against his top as he breathes it in.] You died immediately, but Kunsel was still alive. The glass was the only thing keeping him from bleeding out...

[And they had to remove it. They had to remove Zack and place him on the floor. They were laid down on a bed of glass and blood.] We put him next to you, so he can see you one last time. [He can feel the hot prickling sensation of tears threatening to come forth. Swallowing again as he shakes his head.]

[ One moment, things are clicking. The next, his vision's flooded by a head of hair and he realizes in his daze that Zell had wrapped his arms around him. His own don't immediately come up to reciprocate, partly because what Zell next confirms only makes things hurt more. He's SOLDIER. He knows the reality of a situation like that and it's nothing pretty even back home. Here where everything they usually have to their advantage isn't at their disposal anymore... Zell doesn't have to explain for Zack to understand Kunsel had never stood a chance. Not when the administrator stopped helping.

His own arms finally do... very cautiously come up to curl around Zell. They're oddly light and distributed in a way that's sideways and awkward.. but they're a presence all the same as he tucks his chin against Zell's head, his own eyes burning. ]

Thank you... for what you did for Kuns. [ For seeing him to that end. For treating him with all the dignity and all the respect he could ask for. For not leaving him to die alone, even if he knows that seeing that through, especially when he, himself, was already gone beside him... Hell of a night doesn't even begin to describe it... huh. ]

I'm sorry. [ That they left them alone. That they left them like that. That they'd caused them so much pain. ]

[He can’t even remember how long it took for Kunsel to breathe his last. He remembers their hands trembling as grasped for the metal on Kunsel’s face. Jim played a big part in it with Zell being mostly useless with discerning people. He remembers tracing their faces and touching their hair to be sure it really was them. The blood was still warm on him, and he couldn’t feel the strings from his own cuts.

Shaking his head against the Soldier. Shaking his head over not doing enough and fir the apology at the end. Zell was SeeD. It should have been him in there. Then Jim wouldn’t feel the pain of only having a companion with him that can’t actually see his face. Jim could have had his family supporting him during that time...

Could haves and should haves isn’t something Zell likes dwelling on. It’ll just weigh him down and he needs to just keep himself grounded to the now. Choking back whatever emotions and doubts that started to form as he cycled that over and over in his head. Taking a shuddering breath as he grips onto the Zack for a bit longer.] It’s…[He can’t say it’s fine. It is what it is] Jim had it worse. [There’s a pause as he shakes his head again.] What matters now is that you’re both here. We’re all together again.

[Even if it’ll take a long time before the word safe will resemble an actual word again.]

[ He sees that shake more than he could have ever felt it. Sees it and waits on whatever words he has to share. It's... not easy to talk about this. Not at all and he's half expecting to move forward- to stop talking about it. Zell had never seemed like the type to dwell for long. It just didn't seem to mesh with him and that was okay.

But it's important. More than important enough to say at least something.

Even if the something he hears in turn is painful. Jim might have had it bad, too- but he can see it. He can tell plain as day he wasn't the only one. It's not okay. It won't be okay for a while, he knows. What happened back there was awful and even if they're both back, even if they're all together there, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't change the fact that whatever semblance of security had been heavily torn down.

But... all the same.. ] ...Yeah. Yeah, we are. And I'm not planning on going anywhere again, not if I can help it. Neither is Kuns. [ His arms curl just a little bit tighter around Zell for a moment as he breathes out a sigh, one that ends with a weak huff. ] Us SOLDIERs- we're pretty stubborn like that..

[Jim was the one stuck with someone who couldn’t see him. Every time they touched or reached for the other, Zell had to be sure it was still Jim. Had to check for the bracelet, or trace his face to make sure it’s still Jim at his side. They played that awkward dance amidst the grief of being aware of the large Soldier shaped holes from their routine. It doesn’t sit well with him that he pretty much failed there.

Taking in a deep breath as he leans back in Zack’s embrace. Reaching up to poke Zack on the cheek. Still doesn’t look like Riley. Still shaped like Zack and feels like a Zack. Concentrating on that and not the wave of emotions threatening to spill over or the unushered tears trying to escape. ]

Good. It was hard sleeping without hearing snoring from both sides. [He’s half joking, but he does mean it. It wasn’t just missing the usual sounds, but also the warmth. Sure, Jim tried to compensate it by practically gluing himself to Zell, but the extra body heat missing was felt.

Though speaking of stubborn, he’s reminded of the conversation with Zack and the weight of the lead key in his tool belt. Tapping it lightly.]

We did good, right?

[ He sees the way Zell leans back, sees his hand come up to poke his face and flinches in reaction. But he doesn't bat his hand away. If it's what helps Zell get through this... if it's what helps prove to Zell that he's really there and back after all that transpired? He can take a little bit of poking. His mouth even kinda twitches into the start of a smile at the comment. It hadn't been the same either since he'd woken up in the church. Quiet. Too quiet.

Even when he'd found Kunsel again, there had still been that same feeling for as much as he was relieved to be reunited with him. It's funny how quick he was to be reminded of the chatter that he was used to hearing. Or the little thumps and bumps when the other two had gone off to go do something together at whatever building they were staying in. All the little things that made everything a little easier suddenly gone silent and still as the snow.

But not any longer. Not... any...

His expression falls at that question, something mixed and it's a toss up at first as far as how he seems to feel. But finally, slowly... there is a nod. A hesitant nod but one all the same as he looks down at Zell, hands carefully finding his shoulders. ] You did... Both of you. [ And he means it. He really does, without a doubt. They were careful and thorough, impressively so. ]

...I do wish you would'a waited though. [ Despite the way his voice stays even, there's a measure of hurt in his features that he can't entirely hide at that admission, bad poker face he has. One thing they hadn't... hadn't talked about since then. That they ought to. ]

[Zack’s responses to touches is still foreign. They haven’t been away from each other that long and he’s sure that the pair of Soldiers had a moment AND a night to make up for time apart. Zack felt in one piece, and Zell doesn’t notice any marks or blemishes on him. It didn’t seem like he’s in pain. Then what is it?

His thoughts come to a screeching halt though as he notices Zack’s face falling for a moment.

He can feel a lump in his throat and can feel disappointment weighing pretty squarely on him. The slow nod only ebbs away at some of the guilt he feels. Swallowing as he gives a slow nod in turn.

At the hurt expression, Zell is going to move his hands behind Zack’s neck to pull him down. If Zack wanted to get up close and personal to Zell’s shoulder, now is his chance!]

We couldn’t. [His voice doesn’t waver as he says this. Keeping his hand on Zack’s neck, as the other digs into one of the pockets on his tool belt until he pulls out the lead key. Putting it on top of Zack’s hand so he can feel the weight.] You both died getting this. You both died protecting us. You and Kunsel are our family, Zack. We wanted to do what we could to make sure that we didn’t lose you again.

Edited 2016-06-19 05:41 (UTC)

[ One moment, he's watching the young man before him, gauging him for a reaction. Seeing where his spinning wheels take him. The next, he's jolting as Zell's hand's cupping the back of his neck and he's staggering a bit as he's pulled close. His face ends up buried in the young man's shoulder before he knows it and he just... stays. Stays and listens. They couldn't... They couldn't because they'd died- because they'd protected them. Because they're...

-it makes sense. Of course, they wouldn't want to lose... Of course, they would try to prevent that after what had just happened. And through the ache, he gets it. He knows. Enough so that he doesn't immediately say anything in return. Enough that he's just going to slowly coil one arm around Zell despite the awkward placement he's sure it'll have, that he's turning his other hand just enough for the key to lose balance and slip into his hand instead. He feels that weight- feels it and what happened just sinks in more. It had really happened, Zell and Jim had really lost them both, and he and Kunsel had left them alone. And they could have never come back. And even if they did, their chances of reviving again if something happened were that much more grim than the last time. Kunsel had done the math, himself.

Zack draws out a slow exhale as he closes his eyes. ] You... You're mine, too. And I... There was no guarantee that Kuns would come back, you know? So, if something had gone wrong and you two had... [ He has to let the words trail away at that, swallowing thickly. Those numbers were against them, too. Jim especially. Pulling Zell to him a little tighter, he forces himself onward. ]

I just never wanna lose you two either.

[Again, Zack is being weird. Zell isn’t sure if it’s because he’s mad or if he’s going through the pain effect. It doesn’t seem to be pain, but he couldn’t really tell. Just something was wrong and it’s becoming more clear as the night progresses. It could be he’s mad at Jim and Zell, so every time they touch him he doesn’t respond with the usual enthusiasm.

He takes in a deep breath himself as he shifts his hand holding the key around to Zack’s back. Pressing it against there for a moment as he squeezes his friend in turn. They all feel the same way about each other. All will make sure to protect everyone’s happiness.] You should have seen him. He rigged a tablet to the hockey stick to make sure there were no traps or anything under the chair. [His voice is still cracks with emotion, but there is definitely pride mixed in.]

I’m not going to let him do anything reckless without me at his side watching his back. We kept each other safe, Zack. [It’s important that Zack understands that they can be depended on to be there for each other. That they were smart about the whole thing and tackled it with care]

[ There's no response in turn to that squeeze. For that matter- there's no response at all. Almost as if... But if there's one thing that's apparent when he finally steps back- at least enough for Zack to see Zell's face again -is that his expression is far from angry. The hurt's still there, but it's ebbing away slowly, fading off into something more understanding. Maybe even a little guilty, himself, now. ] I.. know you did. We wouldn't be here talking otherwise.

[ Because there's no denying that they had thought it through. The following texts had spoken volumes as such. It's the cut off more than anything that had hurt. But even that... After thinking it over... After their success and speaking with others... well... Zack closes his eyes as he keeps his hands on Zell's shoulders, exhaling slowly. Opening them again to meet the young man's eyes once more. ]

You're not dumb. Neither of you. I don't want you to ever think I think otherwise. And... [ There's a pause as he looks off to the side. ] I should'a trusted you more... I wasn't thinking straight.

not like we were thinking straight either hur hur : D

gaaaaaaay

[ If his attention wasn’t focused on Zack’s words and his own emotions that were all over the place, he would try to prod the swordsman. He meets his gaze head on as Zack steps back. The hurt was pretty palpable even as understanding takes it’s place. Swallowing again as he drops his look. Giving a nod of his head at Zack’s words as he lets them all sink in. ]

Shouldn’t have ignored you like that. Sorry about that.

[ It hurt a lot not responding to him or Kunsel. It was worse than going against orders. Like he was disappointing people big time. He can still hear the sounds from the calls. The morse code from Jim that were loud and almost desperate. It was heart breaking to hear that and the rest of it, but he still knows without a doubt that they would have felt regret waiting for the others. That he would have felt worse if they waited until Kunsel and Zack were back.]

I can’t blame you for being worried. It’s hard to trust a lot of things here. [ He lifts the hand with the key to give a vague wave. ] We are doing our best though. I’ll make sure you don’t regret trusting us. I will take care of him.

[ They made a promise after all. And he’ll see through it to the end. Doesn’t matter if the end is going to be four months or years from now, he’ll keep that promise.]

[ There's the slightest nod at that apology, an acceptance however silent. It'll take time for that hurt to go away entirely, but... It's a step in the right direction. A step towards something better than where they were. Past the yelling and the panic and the fear.

-There's still fear deep within his heart. Fear for them. Fear of losing them. But he hasn't yet. They're all here, even Kunsel. He hasn't lost them yet and he won't again. But he has to trust them. He has to if they're all going to get out of this alive and whole. So, he nods at that shortly but no less decisively agreeable. Firm though there's a measure of a look in his eye that's almost stern as it is emphatic at that last comment. There's a measure of strength kneading into Zell's shoulders, reaffirming. ]

That means taking care of yourself, too. You know if something happened to you... [ He slowly glances away in the direction of the one in mind, the frown in his voice evident. ] You know what it'd do to Jim. [ To Jim. To Kunsel. To himself. ] You pick and choose your battles wisely, and you run if you have to. I want you to make it outta here alive, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make that happen. [ Experience or not, mercenary or not, doesn't make a difference to him. ]

[ And it’ll take a while for him to feel trusted. He knows he’ll have to make it up and prove himself to Zack.

Taking the moment to really let Zack’s words wash over him as he gives a cant of his head. ] Yeah, I will. [ He looks in the direction to where he believes Jim is at in the post office. ] I’m still working on learning about picking my battles wisely. [ He admits this quietly with an undercurrent of sheepishness. It’s his spot. Knowing when to keep his cool and when to back down from a fight. Jim being around is helping ground him in that regard, but he still reacts first before thinking. ]

That goes for you, too. Make sure you live. [ For himself and for all of them. ]

Edited 2016-07-08 06:12 (UTC)

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he doesn't mean it like THAT

SURE HE DOESN'T. --LIES--

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fights Zack with his hair jab jab jab

QUIT THAT YOU BUTT

NEVER /fma hair battle

GONNA WRECK YOU FFF

idk spiders

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

OTL

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idk /rolls away

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