snowblindrpg | [log] Let the walls break- What we have they cannot take [Closed to Sad Losers]

[Getting confirmation that Kunsel shared isn't making this easier. Zell couldn't touch the events that transpired that night beyond it. They had to move and keep busy. They had to press forward and deal with the twisted closeness they could share while Zell was undergoing the bullshit of this place.

Instead of gripping on to the hand that connected to his shoulder, Zell moves closer to wrap his arms around Zack. Burying his face against his top as he breathes it in.] You died immediately, but Kunsel was still alive. The glass was the only thing keeping him from bleeding out...

[And they had to remove it. They had to remove Zack and place him on the floor. They were laid down on a bed of glass and blood.] We put him next to you, so he can see you one last time. [He can feel the hot prickling sensation of tears threatening to come forth. Swallowing again as he shakes his head.]

[ One moment, things are clicking. The next, his vision's flooded by a head of hair and he realizes in his daze that Zell had wrapped his arms around him. His own don't immediately come up to reciprocate, partly because what Zell next confirms only makes things hurt more. He's SOLDIER. He knows the reality of a situation like that and it's nothing pretty even back home. Here where everything they usually have to their advantage isn't at their disposal anymore... Zell doesn't have to explain for Zack to understand Kunsel had never stood a chance. Not when the administrator stopped helping.

His own arms finally do... very cautiously come up to curl around Zell. They're oddly light and distributed in a way that's sideways and awkward.. but they're a presence all the same as he tucks his chin against Zell's head, his own eyes burning. ]

Thank you... for what you did for Kuns. [ For seeing him to that end. For treating him with all the dignity and all the respect he could ask for. For not leaving him to die alone, even if he knows that seeing that through, especially when he, himself, was already gone beside him... Hell of a night doesn't even begin to describe it... huh. ]

I'm sorry. [ That they left them alone. That they left them like that. That they'd caused them so much pain. ]

[He can’t even remember how long it took for Kunsel to breathe his last. He remembers their hands trembling as grasped for the metal on Kunsel’s face. Jim played a big part in it with Zell being mostly useless with discerning people. He remembers tracing their faces and touching their hair to be sure it really was them. The blood was still warm on him, and he couldn’t feel the strings from his own cuts.

Shaking his head against the Soldier. Shaking his head over not doing enough and fir the apology at the end. Zell was SeeD. It should have been him in there. Then Jim wouldn’t feel the pain of only having a companion with him that can’t actually see his face. Jim could have had his family supporting him during that time...

Could haves and should haves isn’t something Zell likes dwelling on. It’ll just weigh him down and he needs to just keep himself grounded to the now. Choking back whatever emotions and doubts that started to form as he cycled that over and over in his head. Taking a shuddering breath as he grips onto the Zack for a bit longer.] It’s…[He can’t say it’s fine. It is what it is] Jim had it worse. [There’s a pause as he shakes his head again.] What matters now is that you’re both here. We’re all together again.

[Even if it’ll take a long time before the word safe will resemble an actual word again.]

[ He sees that shake more than he could have ever felt it. Sees it and waits on whatever words he has to share. It's... not easy to talk about this. Not at all and he's half expecting to move forward- to stop talking about it. Zell had never seemed like the type to dwell for long. It just didn't seem to mesh with him and that was okay.

But it's important. More than important enough to say at least something.

Even if the something he hears in turn is painful. Jim might have had it bad, too- but he can see it. He can tell plain as day he wasn't the only one. It's not okay. It won't be okay for a while, he knows. What happened back there was awful and even if they're both back, even if they're all together there, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. It doesn't change the fact that whatever semblance of security had been heavily torn down.

But... all the same.. ] ...Yeah. Yeah, we are. And I'm not planning on going anywhere again, not if I can help it. Neither is Kuns. [ His arms curl just a little bit tighter around Zell for a moment as he breathes out a sigh, one that ends with a weak huff. ] Us SOLDIERs- we're pretty stubborn like that..

[Jim was the one stuck with someone who couldn’t see him. Every time they touched or reached for the other, Zell had to be sure it was still Jim. Had to check for the bracelet, or trace his face to make sure it’s still Jim at his side. They played that awkward dance amidst the grief of being aware of the large Soldier shaped holes from their routine. It doesn’t sit well with him that he pretty much failed there.

Taking in a deep breath as he leans back in Zack’s embrace. Reaching up to poke Zack on the cheek. Still doesn’t look like Riley. Still shaped like Zack and feels like a Zack. Concentrating on that and not the wave of emotions threatening to spill over or the unushered tears trying to escape. ]

Good. It was hard sleeping without hearing snoring from both sides. [He’s half joking, but he does mean it. It wasn’t just missing the usual sounds, but also the warmth. Sure, Jim tried to compensate it by practically gluing himself to Zell, but the extra body heat missing was felt.

Though speaking of stubborn, he’s reminded of the conversation with Zack and the weight of the lead key in his tool belt. Tapping it lightly.]

We did good, right?

[ He sees the way Zell leans back, sees his hand come up to poke his face and flinches in reaction. But he doesn't bat his hand away. If it's what helps Zell get through this... if it's what helps prove to Zell that he's really there and back after all that transpired? He can take a little bit of poking. His mouth even kinda twitches into the start of a smile at the comment. It hadn't been the same either since he'd woken up in the church. Quiet. Too quiet.

Even when he'd found Kunsel again, there had still been that same feeling for as much as he was relieved to be reunited with him. It's funny how quick he was to be reminded of the chatter that he was used to hearing. Or the little thumps and bumps when the other two had gone off to go do something together at whatever building they were staying in. All the little things that made everything a little easier suddenly gone silent and still as the snow.

But not any longer. Not... any...

His expression falls at that question, something mixed and it's a toss up at first as far as how he seems to feel. But finally, slowly... there is a nod. A hesitant nod but one all the same as he looks down at Zell, hands carefully finding his shoulders. ] You did... Both of you. [ And he means it. He really does, without a doubt. They were careful and thorough, impressively so. ]

...I do wish you would'a waited though. [ Despite the way his voice stays even, there's a measure of hurt in his features that he can't entirely hide at that admission, bad poker face he has. One thing they hadn't... hadn't talked about since then. That they ought to. ]

[Zack’s responses to touches is still foreign. They haven’t been away from each other that long and he’s sure that the pair of Soldiers had a moment AND a night to make up for time apart. Zack felt in one piece, and Zell doesn’t notice any marks or blemishes on him. It didn’t seem like he’s in pain. Then what is it?

His thoughts come to a screeching halt though as he notices Zack’s face falling for a moment.

He can feel a lump in his throat and can feel disappointment weighing pretty squarely on him. The slow nod only ebbs away at some of the guilt he feels. Swallowing as he gives a slow nod in turn.

At the hurt expression, Zell is going to move his hands behind Zack’s neck to pull him down. If Zack wanted to get up close and personal to Zell’s shoulder, now is his chance!]

We couldn’t. [His voice doesn’t waver as he says this. Keeping his hand on Zack’s neck, as the other digs into one of the pockets on his tool belt until he pulls out the lead key. Putting it on top of Zack’s hand so he can feel the weight.] You both died getting this. You both died protecting us. You and Kunsel are our family, Zack. We wanted to do what we could to make sure that we didn’t lose you again.

Edited 2016-06-19 05:41 (UTC)

[ One moment, he's watching the young man before him, gauging him for a reaction. Seeing where his spinning wheels take him. The next, he's jolting as Zell's hand's cupping the back of his neck and he's staggering a bit as he's pulled close. His face ends up buried in the young man's shoulder before he knows it and he just... stays. Stays and listens. They couldn't... They couldn't because they'd died- because they'd protected them. Because they're...

-it makes sense. Of course, they wouldn't want to lose... Of course, they would try to prevent that after what had just happened. And through the ache, he gets it. He knows. Enough so that he doesn't immediately say anything in return. Enough that he's just going to slowly coil one arm around Zell despite the awkward placement he's sure it'll have, that he's turning his other hand just enough for the key to lose balance and slip into his hand instead. He feels that weight- feels it and what happened just sinks in more. It had really happened, Zell and Jim had really lost them both, and he and Kunsel had left them alone. And they could have never come back. And even if they did, their chances of reviving again if something happened were that much more grim than the last time. Kunsel had done the math, himself.

Zack draws out a slow exhale as he closes his eyes. ] You... You're mine, too. And I... There was no guarantee that Kuns would come back, you know? So, if something had gone wrong and you two had... [ He has to let the words trail away at that, swallowing thickly. Those numbers were against them, too. Jim especially. Pulling Zell to him a little tighter, he forces himself onward. ]

I just never wanna lose you two either.

[Again, Zack is being weird. Zell isn’t sure if it’s because he’s mad or if he’s going through the pain effect. It doesn’t seem to be pain, but he couldn’t really tell. Just something was wrong and it’s becoming more clear as the night progresses. It could be he’s mad at Jim and Zell, so every time they touch him he doesn’t respond with the usual enthusiasm.

He takes in a deep breath himself as he shifts his hand holding the key around to Zack’s back. Pressing it against there for a moment as he squeezes his friend in turn. They all feel the same way about each other. All will make sure to protect everyone’s happiness.] You should have seen him. He rigged a tablet to the hockey stick to make sure there were no traps or anything under the chair. [His voice is still cracks with emotion, but there is definitely pride mixed in.]

I’m not going to let him do anything reckless without me at his side watching his back. We kept each other safe, Zack. [It’s important that Zack understands that they can be depended on to be there for each other. That they were smart about the whole thing and tackled it with care]

[ There's no response in turn to that squeeze. For that matter- there's no response at all. Almost as if... But if there's one thing that's apparent when he finally steps back- at least enough for Zack to see Zell's face again -is that his expression is far from angry. The hurt's still there, but it's ebbing away slowly, fading off into something more understanding. Maybe even a little guilty, himself, now. ] I.. know you did. We wouldn't be here talking otherwise.

[ Because there's no denying that they had thought it through. The following texts had spoken volumes as such. It's the cut off more than anything that had hurt. But even that... After thinking it over... After their success and speaking with others... well... Zack closes his eyes as he keeps his hands on Zell's shoulders, exhaling slowly. Opening them again to meet the young man's eyes once more. ]

You're not dumb. Neither of you. I don't want you to ever think I think otherwise. And... [ There's a pause as he looks off to the side. ] I should'a trusted you more... I wasn't thinking straight.

not like we were thinking straight either hur hur : D

gaaaaaaay

[ If his attention wasn’t focused on Zack’s words and his own emotions that were all over the place, he would try to prod the swordsman. He meets his gaze head on as Zack steps back. The hurt was pretty palpable even as understanding takes it’s place. Swallowing again as he drops his look. Giving a nod of his head at Zack’s words as he lets them all sink in. ]

Shouldn’t have ignored you like that. Sorry about that.

[ It hurt a lot not responding to him or Kunsel. It was worse than going against orders. Like he was disappointing people big time. He can still hear the sounds from the calls. The morse code from Jim that were loud and almost desperate. It was heart breaking to hear that and the rest of it, but he still knows without a doubt that they would have felt regret waiting for the others. That he would have felt worse if they waited until Kunsel and Zack were back.]

I can’t blame you for being worried. It’s hard to trust a lot of things here. [ He lifts the hand with the key to give a vague wave. ] We are doing our best though. I’ll make sure you don’t regret trusting us. I will take care of him.

[ They made a promise after all. And he’ll see through it to the end. Doesn’t matter if the end is going to be four months or years from now, he’ll keep that promise.]

[ There's the slightest nod at that apology, an acceptance however silent. It'll take time for that hurt to go away entirely, but... It's a step in the right direction. A step towards something better than where they were. Past the yelling and the panic and the fear.

-There's still fear deep within his heart. Fear for them. Fear of losing them. But he hasn't yet. They're all here, even Kunsel. He hasn't lost them yet and he won't again. But he has to trust them. He has to if they're all going to get out of this alive and whole. So, he nods at that shortly but no less decisively agreeable. Firm though there's a measure of a look in his eye that's almost stern as it is emphatic at that last comment. There's a measure of strength kneading into Zell's shoulders, reaffirming. ]

That means taking care of yourself, too. You know if something happened to you... [ He slowly glances away in the direction of the one in mind, the frown in his voice evident. ] You know what it'd do to Jim. [ To Jim. To Kunsel. To himself. ] You pick and choose your battles wisely, and you run if you have to. I want you to make it outta here alive, and I'm gonna do everything I can to make that happen. [ Experience or not, mercenary or not, doesn't make a difference to him. ]

[ And it’ll take a while for him to feel trusted. He knows he’ll have to make it up and prove himself to Zack.

Taking the moment to really let Zack’s words wash over him as he gives a cant of his head. ] Yeah, I will. [ He looks in the direction to where he believes Jim is at in the post office. ] I’m still working on learning about picking my battles wisely. [ He admits this quietly with an undercurrent of sheepishness. It’s his spot. Knowing when to keep his cool and when to back down from a fight. Jim being around is helping ground him in that regard, but he still reacts first before thinking. ]

That goes for you, too. Make sure you live. [ For himself and for all of them. ]

Edited 2016-07-08 06:12 (UTC)

[ Learning to pick 'em, huh. From the look on Zack's face at that, there's no denying his thoughts in that regard. Still learning. But. He's gotten better. To a point anyway. He still has his moments, but... It really has been a while since he's gone impulsive. He's getting better.

But at least he's not alone in those moments. Not just Jim but him, too, and he's sure as hell Kuns would try to talk him out of something or pull him from a bad impulse idea if he had to. But the case and point is made and acknowledged all the same and really- it's all he can ask for at this point. It's not Zell wavering away like he did before. It's not him ducking away and acting like his life is less important. He can go with this.

Just as... he can carefully nod at Zell's own request. There's something more to his expression, a minute touch of something else, but in the end? He nods again, more solid than before. ] I'm not going anywhere if I can help it. [ Not again. Not... Not until this is all over. He has no control over what happens after, but for right then? Right then, he can hold to that.

There's the... very vaguest hint of a teasing smile now. ] Someone's gotta keep you all in line.

Edited 2016-07-16 00:51 (UTC)

[ Jim is a big help with learning to pick his fights. Who knew? Actually, having the group around and the friends he made help quite a bit. He knows he has a long way to go still.

Reaching up to muss up Zack's hair as he gives a slow smile. ]

And you have Kunsel to keep you in line. [ The tease comes out more quiet than he intended. Kunsel came back. They are all back together and that's what is important in proceeding forward. ]

Want another drink?

[ There's no hiding the way Zack seems to track Zell's hand as he raises it, but in the end, he only vaguely attempts to pull away from that ruffling. At most, the smallest grunt of indignation escapes him. Not that he seems that unhappy with what Zell's doing as his smile pauses- and then grows further. A quiet 'Yeah' leaves him at the mention of his best friend and he can't help looking back at the said SOLDIER Second with a soft fondness. ]

...Actually, speaking of Kuns, I don't think he's had a glass. How 'bout we pour 'em one instead?

Yeah, we should. He's missing out on something good.

[ He did notice Zack tracking his movement because it's pretty unnatural. This isn't normal and it's been plaguing him this whole time. So, while Zack's gaze is moving back towards his best friend, Zell is sneaking his hand to Zack's shoulder opposite. Giving it an affectionate squeeze much like Zack normally does. ]

You know, you've been acting weird. [ He moves his hand from Zack's shoulder to the side of his face. Going to touch that face, dude. ]

[ Despite the squeeze, Zack keeps his eyes on Kunsel just a little longer, only letting his stare break away and back to Zell when he hears the curiosity in the young man's voice and-

flinching at the sudden appearance of that hand on his face 'cause whoa, nope, he... He's going to just chuckle a bit nervously. ] Me? Acting weird? You say that like it's anything new. [ For how much crap he's given, well. It's not exactly an inaccurate tease back here. ]

[ Zack didn't flinch at the shoulder squeeze, but he did flinch at the face- no, at seeing Zell's hand being where it was. Brows are raised as he proceeds to prod Zack's cheek with a finger. ]

Yeah, but this is more than your usual. [Poke. Poke. ] It seems like every time we touch you, you act like it hurts or something.

[ Zack watches that poking out of the corner of his eye before he pulls back from the next one- because that's usually what he would do, huh. Doesn't change the odd delay in reaching to catch Zell's hand either. The expression on his face looks less disgruntled even. More.. searching. Not quite meeting his friend's eyes. ]

It doesn't hurt, alright?

[ Zell is hardly an expert on the language of Zack, but puzzling out Jim has given him plenty practice with figuring some things out. It's not what Zack is saying, but what he's not saying that's giving Zell an idea. The way he doesn't quite meet his look and the words he picks are also pretty telling. ]

It is something, though [ There is a note of concern there as he thinks out loud. ] What does it feel like?

[ There are days he hates how much of a terrible liar he is, how obvious it's written on his face when he's hiding something. And this? This is definitely one of them. But then-

'You think hiding something from me is going to make me worry less? I'll worry more just because you're hiding it.'

He bites his lip. Only two days ago did Kunsel lecture him and yet here he goes again. Zack... finally sighs in defeat as he meets Zell's line of sight. ]

It doesn't feel like anything. [ He ducks his head. ] ..because I can't feel anything. At least not when anyone makes contact with me.

[ Whoa! That explains a lot.

With that knowledge being handed over, Zell will use it to prod Zack in the cheek like the mature individual he is. ]

So you don't feel this? [ And then he'll move his hand to ruffle Zack's hair. ] Or this?

[ He remembers how it was like to lose you sense of touch. How he would have to be careful or he'd trip over Mochi. It was frickin' weird. ]

What about Mochi? Can you feel Mochi?

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fights Zack with his hair jab jab jab

QUIT THAT YOU BUTT

NEVER /fma hair battle

GONNA WRECK YOU FFF

idk spiders

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

OTL

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idk /rolls away

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bam

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And Kunsel cries cause he can't taste it

BE NICE TO KUNS

ZACK IS THE ONE WANTED TO OFFER HIM SOMETHING HE CANT APPRECIATE

Maybe his taste is doing better, man.

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