powersouls: (005)
Tifa Lockhart ([personal profile] powersouls) wrote in [community profile] snowblindrpg2015-12-29 07:32 pm

[log] mmm whatcha say [closed]

Characters: Zack, Tifa, Zell, Kunsel, and... Jim? Kind of?
Location: House 43
Date: Day 72
Summary: Jim tries to take out a monster and fails miserably.
Warnings: Death, violence, grief? You know, Snowhell stuff.

heroproceeding: (vegetales)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-30 07:43 am (UTC)(link)
...Sorry, I just- [ He stops abruptly, tight lipped with a hard grimace at the floor. He'd been coming around to make things right. He'd apologized. That had been progress. He should have left it at that or asked her how she was- although he already knew that. That would have been a stupid question. For any of them. So, what could he say right then? What did he really come into the kitchen to say other than 'Sorry'?

Maybe because a part of him... A part of him feels like he needs to explain himself. Maybe a part of him knows he has to before he blows another gasket. His mind's still whirling a million miles an hour and it shows in the bags under his eyes and the hint of stubble he's yet to attend to- and probably won't that night. No, his attention's still down on the floor as his grip on the table slowly tightens.
]

...He was right there. I almost...
heroproceeding: (fσяту-fινє)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-30 08:36 am (UTC)(link)
I know that, but... Hell, it should'a been me, you know? Not him... Not like that...

[ He can only hope to Ifrit, Shiva, Bahamet, whoever will hear his plea... That Jim's death was truly quick. Quick... Painless... Over fast and without being engulfed in the sheer panic of fear. Because what happened shortly after... He swallows hard as he shakes his head. That guilty weight's back, resting harshly on his heart again. It seems no matter how determined he is to push forward, there are just some things...

Like the smile Jim had basked in when he'd discovered the other program and gotten the idea to try and hack into the archives. Or like the determined frown when he of all people had come to console Zack after Cloud had vanished. But especially the hurt on Jim's face that night after that meeting with Sephiroth. The last time they had ever spoken, exchanging glances since but never words.

And now those words would never be said. He swallows down another lump in his throat as he shakes his head again.
] I wanted to protect him, Tif...
Edited 2015-12-30 08:36 (UTC)
heroproceeding: (fσяту-fσυя)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-30 09:50 pm (UTC)(link)
[ He doesn't say anything for a long time. Though whether it's to process her words or something else, it's hard to say. But just when the silence seems to stretch for too long... ] You know... You're right.

[ And then Zack abruptly shifts. He uses the leverage of his hands on the table to push himself back hard enough that the chair almost tips over. Not that it seems to matter to him as he drops his feet back to the floor and from there, he begins to pace, hands gesturing as he speaks. ]

I mean it's not like I've been doing a great job at it anyway. And I call myself SOLDIER. [ He cuts himself off with a huff and a click of his tongue. ] Why does it always come to this?
heroproceeding: (FROWNY FACE.)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-30 11:59 pm (UTC)(link)
It's not- It does have- Damn it, that's not what I meant!

[ As soon as the words are out, he finds himself flinching back. He shouldn't be taking it out on Tifa like that. This isn't her fault. It's not her fault he didn't talk to him. It's not her fault he didn't say what he should have said back then. It's not her fault he didn't explain, didn't apologize, didn't make things right. Too many "didn't"s and "should have"s. Not enough "did"s.

He's a fucking fool and this is his price to pay.

He covers his face with a hand, taking in controlled breaths to try and calm himself down. He'd come to see how she was doing- not to cause an argument. She's not even yelling at him. What is he doing? Shaking his head once... Then again before he runs his hand down off his face and looks to her apologetically yet firmly. His own words fall much quieter than before, his eyes not entirely on hers.
]

It's my choice, Tifa. Just like you choose to watch out for everyone, that's my decision to make, too. On my honor as SOLDIER. Or at least...
heroproceeding: (I didn't think I'd be living Vegetales.)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 12:34 am (UTC)(link)
At least... [ He trails off again, grasping at words. Failing miserably again. How does he even explain? Would she even believe him? He doesn't know. ...But how's he ever going to know if she will or won't unless he tries, huh. So, he finally stops his pacing. Finally grounds himself and crosses his own arms, leaving only one hand hanging in the air to gesture loosely in emphasis. ]

Tifa, look... I get it. I get why you hate SOLDIER and I don't blame you after what happened back then. But that's not... I'm not with SOLDIER anymore. I haven't been in years. [ He shakes his head slowly as he looks away, letting his hand drop and swing to the side. ] It's not about the program...
heroproceeding: (тнιяту-ѕєνєи)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 01:23 am (UTC)(link)
[ He's known her long enough by now to read that as trouble. She's uncomfortable. He doesn't blame her. It's never easy to talk about Nibelheim. Not now. Probably not ever. Especially when the very man who would one day be responsible for the whole incident lives and breathes somewhere in town. But now that he's started this, there's no going back, is there.

And really, a part of him's realizing... this needs to be addressed anyway. Even if it's not easy. So, he finds her eyes, his own seeming to glow more intense than usual.
]

It's about what it means to me. [ He gives her a moment to let those words sink in. And then afterwards, he... goes back to crossing his arms as he takes a step away from her. Then another. Just a very slow paced walk. It would almost look casual if not for all the tension in the house. ]

It's about helping people, no matter what. And not leaving... [ His brows knit. ] anyone behind. About protecting them, even if it means from themselves.

[ He spins around to face her fully again and... rocks his feet back. And forth. And back again before pausing unfolding his arms, looking down at his hands. ] And sometimes when it comes down to it... [ He looks up almost cautiously, even as he shakes his curled hands in emphasis. ] Sometimes it's about being willing to give your own life if it means sparing the life of the ones who matter to you.
heroproceeding: (pic#9692231)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 02:34 am (UTC)(link)
Cloud did... Cloud stopped him. Not me. [ It hurts to mention him here. He knows it'll probably hurt her, too. But it's still the truth. He had... And even then... It hadn't changed things. Nibelheim had burned. All those people had perished. And apparently, things hadn't ended there from what she had told them. About Sephiroth. About meteor... Granted, there's still a lot of confusing things he's trying to work out with her story there. But he at least gets that he came back. And they had been trying to stop him again.

So much for helping.

But that... Zack rubs the side of his neck before his hand travels to the groove of his stubble. He looks down, shakes his head, and sighs.
] And I know I stopped Zell. I just...

[ He closes his eyes. 'I wish I could have saved Jim, too' feels like they're just going back around in circles. Thinking it alone gets that constricted feeling going in his chest. He finds himself slumping a bit, regardless. ] I wish I could'a done more.
heroproceeding: (тωєиту-тняєє - ѕєρнιяσтн)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 03:12 am (UTC)(link)
[ It's been years since that day, certainly. But it's hard to forget something like that. Especially hard considering that was the last time he and Tifa had ever seen each other. It's enough to jar him out of those other less than pleasant thoughts for a moment. If only to fall into other less than pleasant thoughts as he blinks at her in surprise.

Surprise that turns into something more somber. Somber and understanding. Almost cautiously, he breaks the distance to her side. And after a hesitating moment, he touches a hand to her shoulder.
] It's alright. I mean Tifa, after all that happened... [ He shakes his head once more, but his eyes stay on her. ] I don't blame you. Never did.

[ Losing her family, her friends, her home. Almost her life. Who would? ]
Edited 2015-12-31 03:12 (UTC)
heroproceeding: (A city I've never been)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 04:38 am (UTC)(link)
[ Heat of the moment, sure, he knows she did. But... That had been how long ago now. Enough time, well. At least for her to consider things. To turn them over in her head. Perhaps not to entirely get over things and... well, really, he can't blame her there either. But...

But that still doesn't stop the way he freezes a second at that feeling of her hand on his, at those words. But then there's also the feeling of a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. It's not enough to pull a smile from him. Things still are far from okay. But it is enough for him to give her a squeeze on the shoulder as he lowers his eyes.
]

I'm sorry I didn't stop him sooner.
heroproceeding: (I FOUND A HUGGING ICON.)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 05:23 am (UTC)(link)
THERE PERFECT ALL THE HUGS
heroproceeding: (IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE.)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 06:23 am (UTC)(link)
[ Repeating things over and over... In reality, it changes nothing.

Apologizing now changes nothing, too. She's not the one he should be apologizing to. Not about him.

He should be apologizing to him. But he...

It takes him a moment to register her arms coming around him. It takes him a moment more to even react. But when he does, it's almost too fast in comparison. He hugs her tightly, head over shoulder and eyes blurring even as he blinks constantly.
]

Damn it, we've gotta find a way outta this place... [ Before anyone else... ]
heroproceeding: (SO FUCKING DONE.)

[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 07:53 am (UTC)(link)
[ He hears that shaky breath and it just adds to that sick feeling in his gut. But breaking down isn't going to do her any favors. It's not going to do any of them favors, really. All it'll do is just add to that ever encroaching guilt. Guilt that's only further fed by that question. He takes controlled breaths at first, just trying to keep himself reined in.

Only once he feels like he's going to keep it together long enough without his voice breaking or going hoarse... That's when he finally speaks.
]

Not your fault- we... Bomb. We should make another one of those. After we check... [ He trails off. Bringing up the hospital right then... His throat constricts at the very consideration. ]
Edited 2015-12-31 07:54 (UTC)

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[personal profile] heroproceeding 2015-12-31 06:25 pm (UTC)(link)