Characters: Zack, Tifa, Zell, Kunsel, and... Jim? Kind of? Location: House 43 Date: Day 72 Summary: Jim tries to take out a monster and fails miserably. Warnings: Death, violence, grief? You know, Snowhell stuff.
[ It's been years since that day, certainly. But it's hard to forget something like that. Especially hard considering that was the last time he and Tifa had ever seen each other. It's enough to jar him out of those other less than pleasant thoughts for a moment. If only to fall into other less than pleasant thoughts as he blinks at her in surprise.
Surprise that turns into something more somber. Somber and understanding. Almost cautiously, he breaks the distance to her side. And after a hesitating moment, he touches a hand to her shoulder. ] It's alright. I mean Tifa, after all that happened... [ He shakes his head once more, but his eyes stay on her. ] I don't blame you. Never did.
[ Losing her family, her friends, her home. Almost her life. Who would? ]
[She doesn't pull away from his touch. In fact, she seems to relax, reaching up to cover his hand with hers. It's a start, right? And it gives her the courage to push forward.]
I've never blamed you, either.
[Well, maybe she did at first, a little. But realistically... What could he have done? She still doesn't understand how Cloud managed to stop Sephiroth, and it isn't as though Zack had anything to do with the experiments. Shinra and Sephiroth are to blame, not him.]
[ Heat of the moment, sure, he knows she did. But... That had been how long ago now. Enough time, well. At least for her to consider things. To turn them over in her head. Perhaps not to entirely get over things and... well, really, he can't blame her there either. But...
But that still doesn't stop the way he freezes a second at that feeling of her hand on his, at those words. But then there's also the feeling of a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. It's not enough to pull a smile from him. Things still are far from okay. But it is enough for him to give her a squeeze on the shoulder as he lowers his eyes. ]
[For a split second, she's not sure if he's talking about Jim or Sephiroth, and she finds herself swallowing against the sudden ache in her throat. They've all been through so many horrible things in the last few weeks, and Tifa can't even begin to imagine what Zack had experienced before that, but... This is a positive step, isn't it? Already, she's feeling more comfortable with him, even if the thought of Jim is still enough to make her vision blur. She wipes her eyes hastily with her free hand. She has no idea what to say in response. Neither of those things were his fault, not really, but he already knows what she thinks about that, and she doesn't think repeating it will do either of them any good. So, for a moment, she pauses, then leans forward to hug him a bit hesitantly.]
[ Repeating things over and over... In reality, it changes nothing.
Apologizing now changes nothing, too. She's not the one he should be apologizing to. Not about him.
He should be apologizing to him. But he...
It takes him a moment to register her arms coming around him. It takes him a moment more to even react. But when he does, it's almost too fast in comparison. He hugs her tightly, head over shoulder and eyes blurring even as he blinks constantly. ]
Damn it, we've gotta find a way outta this place... [ Before anyone else... ]
[Every time she thinks she's cried herself out, it seems like she starts all over again. She feels so helpless, with so little information and no way to fight back. It's easy for her to promise herself she'll be strong for the others, and so much more difficult to actually manage it.
When he hugs her back, she takes that as permission to tighten her grip, taking in a shaky, strained breath. Crying won't change anything. It won't bring Jim or Cloud or Hiro back. It won't even make her feel better. But she's so tired of losing people. She's not sure how much longer she can keep this up.]
What should we do?
[She knows immediately that that was the wrong thing to ask. Zack doesn't know any more than she does, certainly, and she's only putting more pressure on him, so she lets out a quiet, frustrated noise.]
[ He hears that shaky breath and it just adds to that sick feeling in his gut. But breaking down isn't going to do her any favors. It's not going to do any of them favors, really. All it'll do is just add to that ever encroaching guilt. Guilt that's only further fed by that question. He takes controlled breaths at first, just trying to keep himself reined in.
Only once he feels like he's going to keep it together long enough without his voice breaking or going hoarse... That's when he finally speaks. ]
Not your fault- we... Bomb. We should make another one of those. After we check... [ He trails off. Bringing up the hospital right then... His throat constricts at the very consideration. ]
[She knows what he's getting at when he trails off, and she bites her lip, trying to keep herself steady. He's tall enough that she needs to have her head turned and her cheek pressed against him to be hugging him like this, so when she nods, it's a little awkward.]
Oh... Okay.
[It's a plan. It's something. They just have to keep everyone together and strong and... Figure the rest of it out. Right?]
Should we... Would holding hands work? When we're outside? Or...
[It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion even as she mentions it, but there has to be something they're doing wrong. Something they can change.]
[ He feels that nod of confirmation against him and goes tense for just a split second. By the next though, he rests his chin lightly on top of her head, humming at her admission. Pausing at her question.
It might sound ridiculous. But really, considering how many people they've lost lately... and in such a short measure of time... ]
...That might not be a bad idea. [ He pauses again, shifting his posture to something a bit more comfortable. ] We should stick together, too. No more splitting up. Not if we can help it.
[ They might not be able to prevent that if a monster makes that happen, but... Leaving to help Clayton, while rescuing him hadn't been a mistake... Leaving the others alone then had. And he won't make that same mistake again. ]
[She nods again, but doesn't respond otherwise. At least, not right away. Definitely no splitting up, and they'll just have to watch each other like hawks from now on. Although she thought they'd been doing that before, but...
Well, what else is there to do?
Just as the silence seems on the edge of becoming awkward, Tifa finally speaks up again, quietly this time.]
Zack? Do you think they'll come back?
[It's not something she felt comfortable asking Zell, not in the state he was in. And she's not looking for empty comfort, either. She's still waiting for Cloud, two weeks later, and she's starting to wonder if she's being stupid, or making it that much harder on herself. But Kunsel had seemed so sure, and she can't seem to stop herself from checking the network and her inbox for him regularly. Is that just stupid? Unrealistic?]
[ There's one tense moment where he just has to even let those words sink in because a part of him wants to reject that question outright. A part of him wants that to never have to be a question they should have to ask. Things shouldn't be this way.
But they are. And they have been. There's no avoiding this. It's a question he's asked himself a million times since he's been there. He remembers how avid Kunsel had been about the obituaries- just like the reports. Killed in action. Killed in action. Killed in action. Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth. Even himself. All lies.
But that had been different.
That had been ShinRa. That had been cover ups and lies. How can you call the monster that swallowed up Hiro a fluke? The attack on Ed that shook Al so badly, he barely managed a conversation with him? Another who had Freya in tatters? Or what that creature did to...
He shuts his eyes tight, taking in another stiff breath. His exhale comes out as more of a shudder than he intends to let it. ]
I don't know. [ But the way he suddenly seems to curl his arms around impossibly tighter might be more answer than those words. ]
[What other answer could she have expected? Of course he doesn't know. She had been hoping, since he's been here the longest out of all of them, that he might have a slightly better idea, but... If the way he reacts is any indication, all she's managed to do is hurt him.
Really, though, how could it make sense for Cloud to come back two weeks later? And if he did, what would that mean? After what those spiders did to Rhys and Angel while they were still conscious... She can't imagine what being revived would be like. And with Hiro and Jim...
Tifa tries to take in a few bracing breaths, but they're far sharper than she intended. She squeezes him back, briefly, wishing she could think of something comforting to say, but she can't even manage that. She finally responds shakily, her voice quiet.]
[ It takes him another minute to compose himself once more. It's cruel to lose himself again like this. Stop. Focus again, Fair. He takes a few more careful breaths. Do it if not for himself then for Tifa. For her and for Zell and for Kunsel, too. Stop it, damn it!
Only once he feels... slightly more in control of his emotions again. Only once he thinks he's got himself in check again does he softly cede. ]
I know... [ His eyes still burn. His throat feels tight again right after he speaks. But he's... getting there. He finds himself subconsciously rubbing circles against her back. Whether it's to help her or help himself, he's not sure. ]
[She rests her forehead against his shoulder and closes her eyes tightly. She knows they have to keep going. What's the alternative? Giving up and dying? But it's hard not to feel like they're being picked off one by one. All the more reason to double down on their efforts to find a way out of here, but that's such a daunting proposition when she feels like they don't know anything at all.]
I know.
[Which means he can't keep blaming himself, either. She pulls back to look up at him, reaching up to put her hands on his shoulders. Tifa pauses for a moment as she tries to figure out how to say it, her eyes flicking away and then back.]
And we have to take care of each other, right? You can't be this hard on yourself.
[ It is hard not to think that way. Really, he's trying not to. Thinking that way will get them no where. They gotta keep going, keep pushing themselves. Even if it's hard. Even if it feels hopeless. Giving up certainly won't get them anywhere. He's gotta contain himself again, gotta stand strong. No matter what. That's what they need. That's what...
Her pulling away as she does doesn't come as unexpected. But the hands on his shoulders and those words that follow... He swallows again, throat dry, as he watches her quietly, partly perplexed, partly... knowing. Eventually, he nods just a little... ] We gotta try.
[She manages a little smile. It's something, even if it's partially forced, and fades almost as quickly as it appeared. She gives his shoulders a squeeze, trying to be as encouraging as possible. They'll stick together and get through it, right?]
If you... If you need to talk, or...
[She sighs, her gaze dropping again. Sometimes she's so bad at this.]
[ The smile's at least a nudge in the right direction. Not enough to pull a smile from he, himself. But... it is enough to soften his expression. Enough to take off some of the edge of his tension. He's still not okay. He won't be for a while. But...
At least he's not alone in this.
He nods a little again. And then after a small hesitance, he pulls her close once more. He takes another careful breath in. Another one out. ] Thanks, Tifa.
[Tifa is a little surprised when he hugs her again, but she still needs it, so she squeezes back tightly. He seems... A little steadier. She knows he's not okay, and really, none of them will be for a while, but this is still something. She shakes her head again, the motion still a little difficult when she's pressed against him. It's not something he needs to thank her for, though.]
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Surprise that turns into something more somber. Somber and understanding. Almost cautiously, he breaks the distance to her side. And after a hesitating moment, he touches a hand to her shoulder. ] It's alright. I mean Tifa, after all that happened... [ He shakes his head once more, but his eyes stay on her. ] I don't blame you. Never did.
[ Losing her family, her friends, her home. Almost her life. Who would? ]
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I've never blamed you, either.
[Well, maybe she did at first, a little. But realistically... What could he have done? She still doesn't understand how Cloud managed to stop Sephiroth, and it isn't as though Zack had anything to do with the experiments. Shinra and Sephiroth are to blame, not him.]
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But that still doesn't stop the way he freezes a second at that feeling of her hand on his, at those words. But then there's also the feeling of a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. It's not enough to pull a smile from him. Things still are far from okay. But it is enough for him to give her a squeeze on the shoulder as he lowers his eyes. ]
I'm sorry I didn't stop him sooner.
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Apologizing now changes nothing, too. She's not the one he should be apologizing to. Not about him.
He should be apologizing to him. But he...
It takes him a moment to register her arms coming around him. It takes him a moment more to even react. But when he does, it's almost too fast in comparison. He hugs her tightly, head over shoulder and eyes blurring even as he blinks constantly. ]
Damn it, we've gotta find a way outta this place... [ Before anyone else... ]
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When he hugs her back, she takes that as permission to tighten her grip, taking in a shaky, strained breath. Crying won't change anything. It won't bring Jim or Cloud or Hiro back. It won't even make her feel better. But she's so tired of losing people. She's not sure how much longer she can keep this up.]
What should we do?
[She knows immediately that that was the wrong thing to ask. Zack doesn't know any more than she does, certainly, and she's only putting more pressure on him, so she lets out a quiet, frustrated noise.]
Sorry, I... [Ugh.] I'm so sick of this.
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Only once he feels like he's going to keep it together long enough without his voice breaking or going hoarse... That's when he finally speaks. ]
Not your fault- we... Bomb. We should make another one of those. After we check... [ He trails off. Bringing up the hospital right then... His throat constricts at the very consideration. ]
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Oh... Okay.
[It's a plan. It's something. They just have to keep everyone together and strong and... Figure the rest of it out. Right?]
Should we... Would holding hands work? When we're outside? Or...
[It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion even as she mentions it, but there has to be something they're doing wrong. Something they can change.]
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It might sound ridiculous. But really, considering how many people they've lost lately... and in such a short measure of time... ]
...That might not be a bad idea. [ He pauses again, shifting his posture to something a bit more comfortable. ] We should stick together, too. No more splitting up. Not if we can help it.
[ They might not be able to prevent that if a monster makes that happen, but... Leaving to help Clayton, while rescuing him hadn't been a mistake... Leaving the others alone then had. And he won't make that same mistake again. ]
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Well, what else is there to do?
Just as the silence seems on the edge of becoming awkward, Tifa finally speaks up again, quietly this time.]
Zack? Do you think they'll come back?
[It's not something she felt comfortable asking Zell, not in the state he was in. And she's not looking for empty comfort, either. She's still waiting for Cloud, two weeks later, and she's starting to wonder if she's being stupid, or making it that much harder on herself. But Kunsel had seemed so sure, and she can't seem to stop herself from checking the network and her inbox for him regularly. Is that just stupid? Unrealistic?]
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But they are. And they have been. There's no avoiding this. It's a question he's asked himself a million times since he's been there. He remembers how avid Kunsel had been about the obituaries- just like the reports. Killed in action. Killed in action. Killed in action. Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth. Even himself. All lies.
But that had been different.
That had been ShinRa. That had been cover ups and lies. How can you call the monster that swallowed up Hiro a fluke? The attack on Ed that shook Al so badly, he barely managed a conversation with him? Another who had Freya in tatters? Or what that creature did to...
He shuts his eyes tight, taking in another stiff breath. His exhale comes out as more of a shudder than he intends to let it. ]
I don't know. [ But the way he suddenly seems to curl his arms around impossibly tighter might be more answer than those words. ]
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Really, though, how could it make sense for Cloud to come back two weeks later? And if he did, what would that mean? After what those spiders did to Rhys and Angel while they were still conscious... She can't imagine what being revived would be like. And with Hiro and Jim...
Tifa tries to take in a few bracing breaths, but they're far sharper than she intended. She squeezes him back, briefly, wishing she could think of something comforting to say, but she can't even manage that. She finally responds shakily, her voice quiet.]
I know. I'm sorry. I just... I was hoping...
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Only once he feels... slightly more in control of his emotions again. Only once he thinks he's got himself in check again does he softly cede. ]
I know... [ His eyes still burn. His throat feels tight again right after he speaks. But he's... getting there. He finds himself subconsciously rubbing circles against her back. Whether it's to help her or help himself, he's not sure. ]
But we still gotta keep moving, Tifa.
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I know.
[Which means he can't keep blaming himself, either. She pulls back to look up at him, reaching up to put her hands on his shoulders. Tifa pauses for a moment as she tries to figure out how to say it, her eyes flicking away and then back.]
And we have to take care of each other, right? You can't be this hard on yourself.
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Her pulling away as she does doesn't come as unexpected. But the hands on his shoulders and those words that follow... He swallows again, throat dry, as he watches her quietly, partly perplexed, partly... knowing. Eventually, he nods just a little... ] We gotta try.
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If you... If you need to talk, or...
[She sighs, her gaze dropping again. Sometimes she's so bad at this.]
I'll be here to listen, okay?
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At least he's not alone in this.
He nods a little again. And then after a small hesitance, he pulls her close once more. He takes another careful breath in. Another one out. ] Thanks, Tifa.
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