Characters: Zack, Tifa, Zell, Kunsel, and... Jim? Kind of? Location: House 43 Date: Day 72 Summary: Jim tries to take out a monster and fails miserably. Warnings: Death, violence, grief? You know, Snowhell stuff.
For a moment, Tifa's not sure how to respond to him. She can't help but think that Zack must have a pretty idealistic view of SOLDIER, even after what happened at Nibelheim. She might have had mixed feelings about Shinra when she was younger, enough to latch onto the idea of Cloud making it into SOLDIER and becoming some sort of hero who could rescue her, but whatever naive hope she had had about Shinra and SOLDIER had been destroyed five years ago. Maybe it hadn't been for Zack, although she can't imagine how he could still cling to it after everything Shinra had done to all of them.
She sighs, watching him pace for a second longer before finally standing up and stepping around the table. She has half a mind to grab his arm and stop him from pacing, but she holds back on it, crossing her arms instead.]
SOLDIER doesn't have anything to do with this.
[Well, it shouldn't. She doesn't want it to. Because, really... Cissnei is right. Kunsel and Zack are SOLDIER, and even if Tifa might be more willing to trust them because Cloud did, and because Zack had tried to help at Nibelheim, they still worked for Shinra. That should bother her more than it has been. But they've proven that they're good people, she thinks. Zack hates Sephiroth as much as she does. That's proof enough.
Still, though, if Zack is viewing this as some sort of heroic obligation to keep them all safe...]
It isn't your job to protect us. I can take care of myself, and I can help watch out for everyone else, too.
[Even if this does have the vibe of an old argument, she's not looking for a fight. It's obvious in the soft tone of her voice and the way her head is tilted slightly, watching him. She just doesn't want him to feel like it's him and Kunsel on their own, trying to protect the rest of the group.]
It's not- It does have- Damn it, that's not what I meant!
[ As soon as the words are out, he finds himself flinching back. He shouldn't be taking it out on Tifa like that. This isn't her fault. It's not her fault he didn't talk to him. It's not her fault he didn't say what he should have said back then. It's not her fault he didn't explain, didn't apologize, didn't make things right. Too many "didn't"s and "should have"s. Not enough "did"s.
He's a fucking fool and this is his price to pay.
He covers his face with a hand, taking in controlled breaths to try and calm himself down. He'd come to see how she was doing- not to cause an argument. She's not even yelling at him. What is he doing? Shaking his head once... Then again before he runs his hand down off his face and looks to her apologetically yet firmly. His own words fall much quieter than before, his eyes not entirely on hers. ]
It's my choice, Tifa. Just like you choose to watch out for everyone, that's my decision to make, too. On my honor as SOLDIER. Or at least...
[She flinches as well, though not as dramatically. She knows emotions are high, and she might have forgiven him for his outburst before, but she's not going to let him yell at her this time. Just as she's about to respond, to tell him to cut it out, he reins it in, and she lets out a frustrated sigh. Maybe this is why they can't see eye to eye. From where she's standing there's no such thing as honor in SOLDIER, and the people who manage to do good things in their ranks are just flukes.
But, obviously, that's not an argument they need to have right now.
Then he's trailing off, and when he doesn't continue, she prompts him.]
At least... [ He trails off again, grasping at words. Failing miserably again. How does he even explain? Would she even believe him? He doesn't know. ...But how's he ever going to know if she will or won't unless he tries, huh. So, he finally stops his pacing. Finally grounds himself and crosses his own arms, leaving only one hand hanging in the air to gesture loosely in emphasis. ]
Tifa, look... I get it. I get why you hate SOLDIER and I don't blame you after what happened back then. But that's not... I'm not with SOLDIER anymore. I haven't been in years. [ He shakes his head slowly as he looks away, letting his hand drop and swing to the side. ] It's not about the program...
["Not with SOLDIER anymore", right. Her arms uncross, but only to wrap around her stomach, hugging herself. She can't quite meet his eyes because, well... From what she knows about Cloud, she can kind of fill in the blanks as to what happened to both of them after Nibelheim.
This is starting to feel a bit like a dangerous topic. It could easily turn into another argument, she thinks, but there's no backing out now.]
[ He's known her long enough by now to read that as trouble. She's uncomfortable. He doesn't blame her. It's never easy to talk about Nibelheim. Not now. Probably not ever. Especially when the very man who would one day be responsible for the whole incident lives and breathes somewhere in town. But now that he's started this, there's no going back, is there.
And really, a part of him's realizing... this needs to be addressed anyway. Even if it's not easy. So, he finds her eyes, his own seeming to glow more intense than usual. ]
It's about what it means to me. [ He gives her a moment to let those words sink in. And then afterwards, he... goes back to crossing his arms as he takes a step away from her. Then another. Just a very slow paced walk. It would almost look casual if not for all the tension in the house. ]
It's about helping people, no matter what. And not leaving... [ His brows knit. ] anyone behind. About protecting them, even if it means from themselves.
[ He spins around to face her fully again and... rocks his feet back. And forth. And back again before pausing unfolding his arms, looking down at his hands. ] And sometimes when it comes down to it... [ He looks up almost cautiously, even as he shakes his curled hands in emphasis. ] Sometimes it's about being willing to give your own life if it means sparing the life of the ones who matter to you.
[She forces herself to hold his gaze, even if it's uncomfortable, because it feels important somehow. She wants him to know that she's listening, even if she doesn't agree. Those are good sentiments, although she can't connect them to SOLDIER herself. Part of her wants to tell him that she's certain Jim wouldn't have been very happy about it if Zack had died for him, and neither would Cloud. But that would be hypocritical, wouldn't it? She would have jumped in front of that monster in a second if it meant saving Jim, and if she had just been quicker with Aerith...
Tifa exhales, still meeting his eyes when he looks up again.]
But, Zack... You saved Zell today.
[She hesitates, finally looking away.]
And at Nibelheim, you...
[He'd tried to help. It's more than she can say for the rest of Shinra.]
Cloud did... Cloud stopped him. Not me. [ It hurts to mention him here. He knows it'll probably hurt her, too. But it's still the truth. He had... And even then... It hadn't changed things. Nibelheim had burned. All those people had perished. And apparently, things hadn't ended there from what she had told them. About Sephiroth. About meteor... Granted, there's still a lot of confusing things he's trying to work out with her story there. But he at least gets that he came back. And they had been trying to stop him again.
So much for helping.
But that... Zack rubs the side of his neck before his hand travels to the groove of his stubble. He looks down, shakes his head, and sighs. ] And I know I stopped Zell. I just...
[ He closes his eyes. 'I wish I could have saved Jim, too' feels like they're just going back around in circles. Thinking it alone gets that constricted feeling going in his chest. He finds himself slumping a bit, regardless. ] I wish I could'a done more.
[Talking about Cloud does hurt, and she takes in a shaky breath, trying to push those feelings away. That's not a road she can let her thoughts go down right now, because she thinks she might start crying and she's not sure if she'll be able to stop, with that on top of everything else.
She sighs, leaning against the table, staring down at her feet. She feels like this is something she needs to push, even if it's uncomfortable for the both of them.]
I know, but...
[She trails off, scuffing the toe of her boot against the floor.]
But you tried. You tried to help me in the reactor, too.
[And she'd reacted less than positively to it. She'd just been angry, and scared, and in horrible pain, but... Still. Maybe that's one of the things that she feels has been hanging between them.]
I'm... I'm sorry. About what I said.
[She hopes he gets it, and that she doesn't have to elaborate. She's not sure if she can make herself do it.]
[ It's been years since that day, certainly. But it's hard to forget something like that. Especially hard considering that was the last time he and Tifa had ever seen each other. It's enough to jar him out of those other less than pleasant thoughts for a moment. If only to fall into other less than pleasant thoughts as he blinks at her in surprise.
Surprise that turns into something more somber. Somber and understanding. Almost cautiously, he breaks the distance to her side. And after a hesitating moment, he touches a hand to her shoulder. ] It's alright. I mean Tifa, after all that happened... [ He shakes his head once more, but his eyes stay on her. ] I don't blame you. Never did.
[ Losing her family, her friends, her home. Almost her life. Who would? ]
[She doesn't pull away from his touch. In fact, she seems to relax, reaching up to cover his hand with hers. It's a start, right? And it gives her the courage to push forward.]
I've never blamed you, either.
[Well, maybe she did at first, a little. But realistically... What could he have done? She still doesn't understand how Cloud managed to stop Sephiroth, and it isn't as though Zack had anything to do with the experiments. Shinra and Sephiroth are to blame, not him.]
[ Heat of the moment, sure, he knows she did. But... That had been how long ago now. Enough time, well. At least for her to consider things. To turn them over in her head. Perhaps not to entirely get over things and... well, really, he can't blame her there either. But...
But that still doesn't stop the way he freezes a second at that feeling of her hand on his, at those words. But then there's also the feeling of a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. It's not enough to pull a smile from him. Things still are far from okay. But it is enough for him to give her a squeeze on the shoulder as he lowers his eyes. ]
[For a split second, she's not sure if he's talking about Jim or Sephiroth, and she finds herself swallowing against the sudden ache in her throat. They've all been through so many horrible things in the last few weeks, and Tifa can't even begin to imagine what Zack had experienced before that, but... This is a positive step, isn't it? Already, she's feeling more comfortable with him, even if the thought of Jim is still enough to make her vision blur. She wipes her eyes hastily with her free hand. She has no idea what to say in response. Neither of those things were his fault, not really, but he already knows what she thinks about that, and she doesn't think repeating it will do either of them any good. So, for a moment, she pauses, then leans forward to hug him a bit hesitantly.]
[ Repeating things over and over... In reality, it changes nothing.
Apologizing now changes nothing, too. She's not the one he should be apologizing to. Not about him.
He should be apologizing to him. But he...
It takes him a moment to register her arms coming around him. It takes him a moment more to even react. But when he does, it's almost too fast in comparison. He hugs her tightly, head over shoulder and eyes blurring even as he blinks constantly. ]
Damn it, we've gotta find a way outta this place... [ Before anyone else... ]
[Every time she thinks she's cried herself out, it seems like she starts all over again. She feels so helpless, with so little information and no way to fight back. It's easy for her to promise herself she'll be strong for the others, and so much more difficult to actually manage it.
When he hugs her back, she takes that as permission to tighten her grip, taking in a shaky, strained breath. Crying won't change anything. It won't bring Jim or Cloud or Hiro back. It won't even make her feel better. But she's so tired of losing people. She's not sure how much longer she can keep this up.]
What should we do?
[She knows immediately that that was the wrong thing to ask. Zack doesn't know any more than she does, certainly, and she's only putting more pressure on him, so she lets out a quiet, frustrated noise.]
[ He hears that shaky breath and it just adds to that sick feeling in his gut. But breaking down isn't going to do her any favors. It's not going to do any of them favors, really. All it'll do is just add to that ever encroaching guilt. Guilt that's only further fed by that question. He takes controlled breaths at first, just trying to keep himself reined in.
Only once he feels like he's going to keep it together long enough without his voice breaking or going hoarse... That's when he finally speaks. ]
Not your fault- we... Bomb. We should make another one of those. After we check... [ He trails off. Bringing up the hospital right then... His throat constricts at the very consideration. ]
[She knows what he's getting at when he trails off, and she bites her lip, trying to keep herself steady. He's tall enough that she needs to have her head turned and her cheek pressed against him to be hugging him like this, so when she nods, it's a little awkward.]
Oh... Okay.
[It's a plan. It's something. They just have to keep everyone together and strong and... Figure the rest of it out. Right?]
Should we... Would holding hands work? When we're outside? Or...
[It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion even as she mentions it, but there has to be something they're doing wrong. Something they can change.]
[ He feels that nod of confirmation against him and goes tense for just a split second. By the next though, he rests his chin lightly on top of her head, humming at her admission. Pausing at her question.
It might sound ridiculous. But really, considering how many people they've lost lately... and in such a short measure of time... ]
...That might not be a bad idea. [ He pauses again, shifting his posture to something a bit more comfortable. ] We should stick together, too. No more splitting up. Not if we can help it.
[ They might not be able to prevent that if a monster makes that happen, but... Leaving to help Clayton, while rescuing him hadn't been a mistake... Leaving the others alone then had. And he won't make that same mistake again. ]
[She nods again, but doesn't respond otherwise. At least, not right away. Definitely no splitting up, and they'll just have to watch each other like hawks from now on. Although she thought they'd been doing that before, but...
Well, what else is there to do?
Just as the silence seems on the edge of becoming awkward, Tifa finally speaks up again, quietly this time.]
Zack? Do you think they'll come back?
[It's not something she felt comfortable asking Zell, not in the state he was in. And she's not looking for empty comfort, either. She's still waiting for Cloud, two weeks later, and she's starting to wonder if she's being stupid, or making it that much harder on herself. But Kunsel had seemed so sure, and she can't seem to stop herself from checking the network and her inbox for him regularly. Is that just stupid? Unrealistic?]
[ There's one tense moment where he just has to even let those words sink in because a part of him wants to reject that question outright. A part of him wants that to never have to be a question they should have to ask. Things shouldn't be this way.
But they are. And they have been. There's no avoiding this. It's a question he's asked himself a million times since he's been there. He remembers how avid Kunsel had been about the obituaries- just like the reports. Killed in action. Killed in action. Killed in action. Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth. Even himself. All lies.
But that had been different.
That had been ShinRa. That had been cover ups and lies. How can you call the monster that swallowed up Hiro a fluke? The attack on Ed that shook Al so badly, he barely managed a conversation with him? Another who had Freya in tatters? Or what that creature did to...
He shuts his eyes tight, taking in another stiff breath. His exhale comes out as more of a shudder than he intends to let it. ]
I don't know. [ But the way he suddenly seems to curl his arms around impossibly tighter might be more answer than those words. ]
[What other answer could she have expected? Of course he doesn't know. She had been hoping, since he's been here the longest out of all of them, that he might have a slightly better idea, but... If the way he reacts is any indication, all she's managed to do is hurt him.
Really, though, how could it make sense for Cloud to come back two weeks later? And if he did, what would that mean? After what those spiders did to Rhys and Angel while they were still conscious... She can't imagine what being revived would be like. And with Hiro and Jim...
Tifa tries to take in a few bracing breaths, but they're far sharper than she intended. She squeezes him back, briefly, wishing she could think of something comforting to say, but she can't even manage that. She finally responds shakily, her voice quiet.]
[ It takes him another minute to compose himself once more. It's cruel to lose himself again like this. Stop. Focus again, Fair. He takes a few more careful breaths. Do it if not for himself then for Tifa. For her and for Zell and for Kunsel, too. Stop it, damn it!
Only once he feels... slightly more in control of his emotions again. Only once he thinks he's got himself in check again does he softly cede. ]
I know... [ His eyes still burn. His throat feels tight again right after he speaks. But he's... getting there. He finds himself subconsciously rubbing circles against her back. Whether it's to help her or help himself, he's not sure. ]
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For a moment, Tifa's not sure how to respond to him. She can't help but think that Zack must have a pretty idealistic view of SOLDIER, even after what happened at Nibelheim. She might have had mixed feelings about Shinra when she was younger, enough to latch onto the idea of Cloud making it into SOLDIER and becoming some sort of hero who could rescue her, but whatever naive hope she had had about Shinra and SOLDIER had been destroyed five years ago. Maybe it hadn't been for Zack, although she can't imagine how he could still cling to it after everything Shinra had done to all of them.
She sighs, watching him pace for a second longer before finally standing up and stepping around the table. She has half a mind to grab his arm and stop him from pacing, but she holds back on it, crossing her arms instead.]
SOLDIER doesn't have anything to do with this.
[Well, it shouldn't. She doesn't want it to. Because, really... Cissnei is right. Kunsel and Zack are SOLDIER, and even if Tifa might be more willing to trust them because Cloud did, and because Zack had tried to help at Nibelheim, they still worked for Shinra. That should bother her more than it has been. But they've proven that they're good people, she thinks. Zack hates Sephiroth as much as she does. That's proof enough.
Still, though, if Zack is viewing this as some sort of heroic obligation to keep them all safe...]
It isn't your job to protect us. I can take care of myself, and I can help watch out for everyone else, too.
[Even if this does have the vibe of an old argument, she's not looking for a fight. It's obvious in the soft tone of her voice and the way her head is tilted slightly, watching him. She just doesn't want him to feel like it's him and Kunsel on their own, trying to protect the rest of the group.]
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[ As soon as the words are out, he finds himself flinching back. He shouldn't be taking it out on Tifa like that. This isn't her fault. It's not her fault he didn't talk to him. It's not her fault he didn't say what he should have said back then. It's not her fault he didn't explain, didn't apologize, didn't make things right. Too many "didn't"s and "should have"s. Not enough "did"s.
He's a fucking fool and this is his price to pay.
He covers his face with a hand, taking in controlled breaths to try and calm himself down. He'd come to see how she was doing- not to cause an argument. She's not even yelling at him. What is he doing? Shaking his head once... Then again before he runs his hand down off his face and looks to her apologetically yet firmly. His own words fall much quieter than before, his eyes not entirely on hers. ]
It's my choice, Tifa. Just like you choose to watch out for everyone, that's my decision to make, too. On my honor as SOLDIER. Or at least...
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But, obviously, that's not an argument they need to have right now.
Then he's trailing off, and when he doesn't continue, she prompts him.]
At least what?
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Tifa, look... I get it. I get why you hate SOLDIER and I don't blame you after what happened back then. But that's not... I'm not with SOLDIER anymore. I haven't been in years. [ He shakes his head slowly as he looks away, letting his hand drop and swing to the side. ] It's not about the program...
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This is starting to feel a bit like a dangerous topic. It could easily turn into another argument, she thinks, but there's no backing out now.]
What is it about?
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And really, a part of him's realizing... this needs to be addressed anyway. Even if it's not easy. So, he finds her eyes, his own seeming to glow more intense than usual. ]
It's about what it means to me. [ He gives her a moment to let those words sink in. And then afterwards, he... goes back to crossing his arms as he takes a step away from her. Then another. Just a very slow paced walk. It would almost look casual if not for all the tension in the house. ]
It's about helping people, no matter what. And not leaving... [ His brows knit. ] anyone behind. About protecting them, even if it means from themselves.
[ He spins around to face her fully again and... rocks his feet back. And forth. And back again before pausing unfolding his arms, looking down at his hands. ] And sometimes when it comes down to it... [ He looks up almost cautiously, even as he shakes his curled hands in emphasis. ] Sometimes it's about being willing to give your own life if it means sparing the life of the ones who matter to you.
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Tifa exhales, still meeting his eyes when he looks up again.]
But, Zack... You saved Zell today.
[She hesitates, finally looking away.]
And at Nibelheim, you...
[He'd tried to help. It's more than she can say for the rest of Shinra.]
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So much for helping.
But that... Zack rubs the side of his neck before his hand travels to the groove of his stubble. He looks down, shakes his head, and sighs. ] And I know I stopped Zell. I just...
[ He closes his eyes. 'I wish I could have saved Jim, too' feels like they're just going back around in circles. Thinking it alone gets that constricted feeling going in his chest. He finds himself slumping a bit, regardless. ] I wish I could'a done more.
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She sighs, leaning against the table, staring down at her feet. She feels like this is something she needs to push, even if it's uncomfortable for the both of them.]
I know, but...
[She trails off, scuffing the toe of her boot against the floor.]
But you tried. You tried to help me in the reactor, too.
[And she'd reacted less than positively to it. She'd just been angry, and scared, and in horrible pain, but... Still. Maybe that's one of the things that she feels has been hanging between them.]
I'm... I'm sorry. About what I said.
[She hopes he gets it, and that she doesn't have to elaborate. She's not sure if she can make herself do it.]
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Surprise that turns into something more somber. Somber and understanding. Almost cautiously, he breaks the distance to her side. And after a hesitating moment, he touches a hand to her shoulder. ] It's alright. I mean Tifa, after all that happened... [ He shakes his head once more, but his eyes stay on her. ] I don't blame you. Never did.
[ Losing her family, her friends, her home. Almost her life. Who would? ]
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I've never blamed you, either.
[Well, maybe she did at first, a little. But realistically... What could he have done? She still doesn't understand how Cloud managed to stop Sephiroth, and it isn't as though Zack had anything to do with the experiments. Shinra and Sephiroth are to blame, not him.]
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But that still doesn't stop the way he freezes a second at that feeling of her hand on his, at those words. But then there's also the feeling of a small weight being lifted from his shoulders. It's not enough to pull a smile from him. Things still are far from okay. But it is enough for him to give her a squeeze on the shoulder as he lowers his eyes. ]
I'm sorry I didn't stop him sooner.
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Apologizing now changes nothing, too. She's not the one he should be apologizing to. Not about him.
He should be apologizing to him. But he...
It takes him a moment to register her arms coming around him. It takes him a moment more to even react. But when he does, it's almost too fast in comparison. He hugs her tightly, head over shoulder and eyes blurring even as he blinks constantly. ]
Damn it, we've gotta find a way outta this place... [ Before anyone else... ]
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When he hugs her back, she takes that as permission to tighten her grip, taking in a shaky, strained breath. Crying won't change anything. It won't bring Jim or Cloud or Hiro back. It won't even make her feel better. But she's so tired of losing people. She's not sure how much longer she can keep this up.]
What should we do?
[She knows immediately that that was the wrong thing to ask. Zack doesn't know any more than she does, certainly, and she's only putting more pressure on him, so she lets out a quiet, frustrated noise.]
Sorry, I... [Ugh.] I'm so sick of this.
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Only once he feels like he's going to keep it together long enough without his voice breaking or going hoarse... That's when he finally speaks. ]
Not your fault- we... Bomb. We should make another one of those. After we check... [ He trails off. Bringing up the hospital right then... His throat constricts at the very consideration. ]
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Oh... Okay.
[It's a plan. It's something. They just have to keep everyone together and strong and... Figure the rest of it out. Right?]
Should we... Would holding hands work? When we're outside? Or...
[It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion even as she mentions it, but there has to be something they're doing wrong. Something they can change.]
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It might sound ridiculous. But really, considering how many people they've lost lately... and in such a short measure of time... ]
...That might not be a bad idea. [ He pauses again, shifting his posture to something a bit more comfortable. ] We should stick together, too. No more splitting up. Not if we can help it.
[ They might not be able to prevent that if a monster makes that happen, but... Leaving to help Clayton, while rescuing him hadn't been a mistake... Leaving the others alone then had. And he won't make that same mistake again. ]
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Well, what else is there to do?
Just as the silence seems on the edge of becoming awkward, Tifa finally speaks up again, quietly this time.]
Zack? Do you think they'll come back?
[It's not something she felt comfortable asking Zell, not in the state he was in. And she's not looking for empty comfort, either. She's still waiting for Cloud, two weeks later, and she's starting to wonder if she's being stupid, or making it that much harder on herself. But Kunsel had seemed so sure, and she can't seem to stop herself from checking the network and her inbox for him regularly. Is that just stupid? Unrealistic?]
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But they are. And they have been. There's no avoiding this. It's a question he's asked himself a million times since he's been there. He remembers how avid Kunsel had been about the obituaries- just like the reports. Killed in action. Killed in action. Killed in action. Angeal, Genesis, Sephiroth. Even himself. All lies.
But that had been different.
That had been ShinRa. That had been cover ups and lies. How can you call the monster that swallowed up Hiro a fluke? The attack on Ed that shook Al so badly, he barely managed a conversation with him? Another who had Freya in tatters? Or what that creature did to...
He shuts his eyes tight, taking in another stiff breath. His exhale comes out as more of a shudder than he intends to let it. ]
I don't know. [ But the way he suddenly seems to curl his arms around impossibly tighter might be more answer than those words. ]
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Really, though, how could it make sense for Cloud to come back two weeks later? And if he did, what would that mean? After what those spiders did to Rhys and Angel while they were still conscious... She can't imagine what being revived would be like. And with Hiro and Jim...
Tifa tries to take in a few bracing breaths, but they're far sharper than she intended. She squeezes him back, briefly, wishing she could think of something comforting to say, but she can't even manage that. She finally responds shakily, her voice quiet.]
I know. I'm sorry. I just... I was hoping...
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Only once he feels... slightly more in control of his emotions again. Only once he thinks he's got himself in check again does he softly cede. ]
I know... [ His eyes still burn. His throat feels tight again right after he speaks. But he's... getting there. He finds himself subconsciously rubbing circles against her back. Whether it's to help her or help himself, he's not sure. ]
But we still gotta keep moving, Tifa.
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