[network|text] @quark; i will carry it along; Night 376 [open] [cw: suicidal ideation in a child]

[averytinyparticle]

[When Quark wakes up, his first thoughts revolve around actions and actions alone: get out of the bodybag, get off the table, figure out where he is, when it is, what time it is. All of these things are easy. He has no apparently-physical losses from revival, which he figures is a good sign. It looks like it's only been about two days, which isn't bad, either. It's already after lockdown, so he has some time to regroup. Messages from his grandpa--he should definitely get those soon, when he's finished checking what else he's missed.

And then he sees Kesara's name on the morning's obituary, and everything that he should be doing, everything logical and rational, flies somewhere far away.

What's the point? What's ever been the point?

He has the urge to throw his tablet and finds he can't squash it. He has the urge to kick the furniture and bang on the walls and he can't stop himself.

When Quark picks his tablet back up again, he sticks to text when he comes back to the network.]

im alive again
does anyone have any stupid or dangerous suggestions?

[He knows it isn't a good idea, but, again, he can't stop himself. It's what he wants to say, so he just says it.]

Comments

@bluebird, text

[plaguenurse]

[It looks like Quark woke up around the same time that Diana did. But, obviously, he's in a very different place--and something is wrong, the way he's talking.

She tries to push aside her own fear and worry. With limited success, but that's what texting is for, right? She has to be brave to help Quark with what he's dealing with. Everyone else is already lecturing him, and Diana isn't very good at confrontation like that anyway, so she tries a gentler approach.]

We could still play duck, duck, goose. Someone might slip and fall!

[averytinyparticle]

[He can't help himself from smiling at the text, even if he feels like crying as much as he feels like smiling. Quark hangs his head.]

id really like that miss diana
and im sorry

[plaguenurse]

No, I'm sorry. I was trying to watch our time, but I guess I'm not used to how our bodies react to the bunker yet. I was hoping I could get you and Junpei out before anything happened.

[But she obviously didn't succeed. She was stupid to think she could.]

[averytinyparticle]

its my fault
im the one who wouldnt listen

[Neither of them wanted him in there, but he didn't want them in there, either.]

i thought i could just do it all on my own so nobody else had to get hurt

[plaguenurse]

You don't have to do everything on your own. I think that's the best part of being a kid! You'll always have someone who wants to help you.

But when you're an adult, there are a lot more things that you have to do alone, and it can be scary. Sometimes I wish I could still ask my parents to help me.

[They still don't know about her horrible marriage. She's not sure they'd have any way of knowing that she went missing during the Dcom Experiment, either, so they'd never be able to help her out of the Decision Game.]

Anyway, you shouldn't blame yourself. Junpei and I made our own decisions. And we'll always decide to help you, so please don't feel like you need to do the scary things by yourself all the time.

[averytinyparticle]

[There's a lot to take in here. A lot that he knows he should file away, respond politely, tell her that her words mean a lot. And they do. He understands what she's trying to say. Except...they're from different times. Very different worlds. And he can't...keep himself quiet about it, it just comes out.]

no
i need to be able to do things alone
because when grandpa dies for real i wont have anyone else back home
and you never know when there wont be anyone else left to help
i cant afford to be a normal kid

[plaguenurse]

[It hurts to hear him say it like that. Like having her and Junpei is meaningless because it's only temporary. But he's probably speaking out of pain, too, so she buries her own.]

Okay. But we said we would be allies, remember? Allies help each other, even if it's not meant to be forever.

[averytinyparticle]

i know
im sorry

[He doesn't want to talk to Diana this way, but he can't seem to help himself.]

its hard to think about a time where its all over
but i cant stop thinking about it either
im just really scared

[plaguenurse]

I'm scared to think about it ending, too.

[She'll have to go back to the Decision Game, where they're all still trapped with no obvious way out, and rules that are designed to get them to kill each other. And that's if they get to go back when this is all over.]

It's pretty awful here, but... We're kind of a community, you know?

[averytinyparticle]

exactly

[Somehow, there's an equally strong impulse in his brain, talking to Diana: stay safe, for her. She'll be sad if he gets hurt.]

i dont want you to ever be sad
you deserve nice things miss diana

[plaguenurse]

[This is an unexpected subject shift.]

That's really nice of you, Quark.

I think we all have to be sad sometimes. But it's easier not to be when we have each other. :)

[averytinyparticle]

am i going to get to see you again soon? are you very far away?

[plaguenurse]

I'm in the funeral home by the school. I think we woke up at the same time, so I'm stuck here for tonight.

If you're close to Angel, it looks like we're pretty far away. But we can go through the tunnels so it'll be faster!