snowblindrpg | [log] It's a Wednesday night, there sure is gonna be a fight! [closed to Bucky and John]

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[log] It's a Wednesday night, there sure is gonna be a fight! [closed to Bucky and John]

Characters: Peter Quill, Bucky Barnes, and John Watson
Location: Building 53
Date: Day 277
Summary: One night only, LIVE from Norfinbury, Peter "Star-Lord" Quill versus John "What is my life even" Watson! Bucky Barnes starring as referee! You may have bought your whole seat but you're only gonna need THE EDGE.
Warnings: Potential for violence, references to character death, further applicable warnings will be noted if they come up

53: The walls of this single-story house are quite intact, although it seems pretty empty inside. There is a fireplace, but it doesn't seem to have been a wood-burning fireplace, and whatever mechanisms were used to work it have been removed, leaving only holes where devices might have once been. The kitchen and living room are entirely empty, but the bathroom is functional. There is one bedroom with a mattress on a bedframe, but it lacks bedding or even a pillow. "ALPHONSE ELRIC, MAMI TOMOE, FREYA CRESCENT, GREED, EDWARD ELRIC, STEPHANIE BROWN, DAY FORTY TWO, TRAVELLING NORTH." has been carved into one of the walls.

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He was my patient and someone I've watched out for for months. Luna was my friend. [It's delivered in a monotone, John's expression unchanging.

John turns his attention back to Bucky.]

This isn't about what I think, Bucky. He's in pain. If hurting me will take some of that away, I'd like to let him. He can also let people know he's done what he needed to, balanced the scales a little bit. Probably fewer people will want to hurt me after that.

[One of the benefits of having no affect or tone is that it's easier to lie. Or at least be somewhat disingenuous. Those things are true, but mostly John just wants to be hurt and see if it will fix something, let him control his body again instead of still feeling like he's following half a step behind it. He'd do it, himself, if he could, but he can't right now.

'He'll see through that,' Sholto points out. John glances over at him, but doesn't reply. He's stood next to Bucky at attention.

John will just have to hope that his friend won't see through it.]

[Bucky raises an eyebrow at John that says he thinks every word of that is total crap, and he's not being taken in by it for a second.]

Sure, that'll make fewer people want to hurt you, because I saw from the obituary that they were just lining up and nobody was telling him not to.

[Idiot.]

You're doing this because you feel like you should be punished, and you-- you're doing it because you're scared. Grow up. We're all scared of losing ourselves here, we've all done things we should be punished for, but this isn't the way to handle it.

[He can't fold his arms, still only having one, but his posture still conveys how exasperated he is.]

You have my terms. Peter, you can hit him if you can look him in the eye and still blame him for being controlled. John, you can invite him to hit you if you punish me equally for those same crimes.

[Peter rubs his hands across his face, and paces a couple of steps, clearly still upset, clearly torn. He paces over to John, hands behind his head, working off some of the steam.

Peter, you can hit him if you can look him in the eye and still blame him for being controlled.

He's in pain. If hurting me will take some of that away, I'd like to let him. He can also let people know he's done what he needed to, balanced the scales a little bit. Probably fewer people will want to hurt me after that.

No one ever really cared if he was in pain, besides his friends, besides the Guardians. Peter's gone a long time without friends, really. The Ravagers weren't really 'friend' types and Yondu, as much as he realized what Yondu's done for him and been to him, was pretty much made of tough love and refused to coddle him.

Maybe that's why he himself cared how bad Quark had it. Reminded him of himself when he was a kid.

Peter looks at his fist, remembering the whopper of a black eye he'd gotten from being bullied he day his mom died.

He was being a bully too, wasn't he?

John didn't seem like he wanted any part of it at all. The lack of affect...maybe he was extremely traumatized too. Peter knew he himself would be a wreck either way, but it wasn't uncommon, seeing people shut down after bad things. If he hurt John, and John truly hated himself for this...

...but that meant accepting it was possible for anyone here to succumb to something this awful.]

Damn it.

[Peter opened his fists and offered a hand to John, instead.]

[In the moment, John honestly dislikes Bucky and the fact that he's done this. He wants to scream at him.

'What he did was right, Watson. You'd have done the same for him,' Major Sholto says.

He's not wrong, but that makes it all the more aggravating. John just flicks a glance at Sholto before rising from where he's sat and taking Peter's hand. He shakes it twice mechanically.]

I wish you'd just hit me.

I'm sorry.

[He can't quite believe that worked, he's not exactly a natural negotiator and he was expecting to have to end this by throwing a few punches of his own. He still might, because John is really irritating him right now, much more than Peter who gets a slight approving look for being able to face up to the truth and back down.]

You're a hypocrite, John.

[It's disappointing.]

[Peter lets go after the handshake, still a whirl of emotions, still not sure what exactly to think, or say or do.]

No, man. It's...

He's right.

[He glances over to Bucky, but doesn't meet his gaze.]

I'm pissed, yeah, and you're a convenient target. But if it wasn't you, if it really wasn't you, and you really do care about Quark and Luna, I can't. I can't do it, man.

[He bites his lip a second.]

Besides, what if I didn't break out of it when my dad had me? They're right, I'm being an idiot. It could have been me.

[He rubs his face, his eyes wide, swallowing. Could have been him back then, when Ego had him. Could have been him that night, here, when they were walking around mindlessly. Peter knew he himself was a hypocrite. But he manages to pull himself together, and shakes his head at Bucky.]

I'm a hypocrite too, man. But hey, if you need to feel something, John, I could still punch you. Clinically and without an ounce of anger? [That's a lame attempt at a joke. But hey, if John did want him to...]

No, thank you. [That's the correct answer. It's no longer giving Peter anything. That makes it harder to justify to himself, even if he does rather desperately want it.

He glances over at Major Sholto, but the man still has his back to John. How the hell can his own hallucination be giving him the cold shoulder? It hurts more than he expected. James is placed on a very high pedestal in his mind. He wants to ask him to please understand, but that's not exactly a conversation he can have with Peter and Bucky in the room.]

Peter, can you give us a moment?

[He nods his head in Sholto's direction before actually pointing to Bucky.]

[Peter is going up in Bucky's estimation the more time goes on. Not a lot of people will not only back down, but frankly admit why they had been mistaken to begin with, and that's definitely worthy of admiration. Though he does get a distinctly unimpressed look when he offers to punch John anyway.

He doesn't bother to interject verbally at this point, it's between the two of them, though John apparently wants to discuss this more privately with him. He just offers a shrug to say that he can go or stay, up to him.]

Yeah, of course.

[Peter nods to both John and Bucky, gathers up his pack and goes to the bedroom, dumping it on the mattress. He takes out his Zune, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

He's not done being upset, of course, he's quite badly coming to terms with the fact that John wasn't to blame and that anyone cold have killed an innocent kid. He rubs his unshaven chin and finds a loud, sad song to listen to.]

[John watches Peter go until the door has closed on him. He turns his attention back to Bucky, knowing this is going to be a fight.]

I wanted him to hurt me. It's not only for the reasons you think, though.

[Bucky's stance is not quite military, but it's very straight-backed and disapproving all the same.]

Then enlighten me.

[John glances over at Sholto. The man has finally turned back and inclines his head slightly, urging John to go on.]

I can't emote. I told you that. I'm having trouble grounding myself because of it. [He'd clear his throat here, but even that small gesture of uncertainty is lost to him at the moment.] I feel like I'm half out of my body and seeing things that aren't there. I thought pain might help do something. I can't hurt myself right now, though.

['Hurting yourself won't help MN Poisoning, Watson,' Sholto says, lips drawing to a thin line of displeasure. 'It's punishment, and that's all it will be.']

Edited 2017-09-03 14:42 (UTC)

[He gets it, he does. There were moments in the beginning, when the blankness was so much a part of him, that feeling anything was a step forwards. But even he had known that pain wasn't the answer there.]

It won't.

[He shakes his head, half concerned and half annoyed.]

It's just pain, physical, that's it. It won't make you feel anything but the physical, it's not a substitute for real emotion, and it's not the right way to go. You wanted to be punished, I get that, but it's not right.

Then what the hell is the right way?

[That would be more of a frustrated shout if it could be. It's just delivered in the same monotone as everything else.]

I don't know.

[At least it's honest.]

I've been looking for it for two years now, and all I know is that it's not that way. All that does is hurt you and the person hurting you. I think for you, the right way is just to wait-- this is MN poisoning, a death price, it'll pass.

Killing Luna and Quark isn't going to pass. Killing Stein isn't going to pass. [He wants to let his voice hitch, to feel tears burning his eyes. Anything.] I know we have to keep going. I know. I know I'm a hypocrite, but it feels like this is different. Bad timing, luck... but I was the only one that did this. I'm terrified I'll hurt anyone who can't fight back. It's people like Quark and Ecks who need me, though. How can I be around patients when I might snap and kill them?

[He meant the emotionless will pass, but he knows John already knows that and is just lashing out as much as is possible for him when it's still all said in a calm monotone.]

That fear isn't something that's ever gone away for me, I'm sorry, I know that's not comforting. But you can do things to make yourself safer, so you don't have to stop treating the people who need you. Take someone with you who can fight back, who's there to watch you and make sure you don't hurt other people.

Sherlock wants me to meet up with him and Mary. She could take me.

[Sherlock probably could, as well, if he were determined. He'd survived against one of Mary's old assassin friends.]

[He nods slowly, that's something and Mary will likely watch him closer than anyone else.

There's a brief hesitation, before he bluntly jumps right into the other thing he wants to address.]

You're hallucinating again, who or what is it?

[John makes a point of looking straight ahead for a moment instead of letting his eyes stray to the left where Sholto is standing.]

It's nothing.

[His eyes flick over briefly to the other man and his expression is disapproving.]

My commander. I know he's not real. It's fine.

['I'm not part of the death price, either, Watson.'

He has to hold his tongue responding that it might get a little better once the death price is gone, at least. Although, John's not really that hopeful about it.]

[He's glad that John corrects himself and tells him the truth without him having to call him on his crap, though it's not good that he's hallucinating at all. He hopes it's part of the death price.]

Just because something isn't real, doesn't mean the effects can't be.

[Trust him, he understands that.]

What's he doing? Saying?

He's just standing there. [John points to Bucky's right and John's left.] He just said it wasn't the death price. And, yes, thank you, sir. [His tone would be sarcastic if it could be.

Sholto stares back at him mildly, and John feels chastised by the silence.]

[That brings a concerned furrow to his brow. He glances in that direction but, obviously, doesn't see anything.]

Do you think he's right?

[Why would he be there if not as a death price? Was John that traumatised by what happened? The answer is obviously yes, but it's not a comforting one.]

I don't know.

['Watson.' There's a weariness to Sholto's tone.]

Maybe.

['Hedging never suited you.' John's gaze falls to Bucky's feet.]

Yes.

[Good. Well. He has no idea how to advise John on getting rid of a hallucination, he's not really suffered from that particular ailment himself.]

Why now?

[This place is horrific, these people aren't the first to die by John's hand, so why now?]

cw: thoughts of self-harm

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Pls skip over me unless you need him again! :D

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cw: mention of self-harm

cw: mention of self-harm

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