[log] It's a Wednesday night, there sure is gonna be a fight! [closed to Bucky and John]

[zunesareawesome]

Characters: Peter Quill, Bucky Barnes, and John Watson
Location: Building 53
Date: Day 277
Summary: One night only, LIVE from Norfinbury, Peter "Star-Lord" Quill versus John "What is my life even" Watson! Bucky Barnes starring as referee! You may have bought your whole seat but you're only gonna need THE EDGE.
Warnings: Potential for violence, references to character death, further applicable warnings will be noted if they come up

53: The walls of this single-story house are quite intact, although it seems pretty empty inside. There is a fireplace, but it doesn't seem to have been a wood-burning fireplace, and whatever mechanisms were used to work it have been removed, leaving only holes where devices might have once been. The kitchen and living room are entirely empty, but the bathroom is functional. There is one bedroom with a mattress on a bedframe, but it lacks bedding or even a pillow. "ALPHONSE ELRIC, MAMI TOMOE, FREYA CRESCENT, GREED, EDWARD ELRIC, STEPHANIE BROWN, DAY FORTY TWO, TRAVELLING NORTH." has been carved into one of the walls.

Comments

Pls skip over me unless you need him again! :D

[zunesareawesome]

Yeah, of course.

[Peter nods to both John and Bucky, gathers up his pack and goes to the bedroom, dumping it on the mattress. He takes out his Zune, sitting cross-legged on the bed.

He's not done being upset, of course, he's quite badly coming to terms with the fact that John wasn't to blame and that anyone cold have killed an innocent kid. He rubs his unshaven chin and finds a loud, sad song to listen to.]

[jumpthegun]

[John watches Peter go until the door has closed on him. He turns his attention back to Bucky, knowing this is going to be a fight.]

I wanted him to hurt me. It's not only for the reasons you think, though.

[advanced]

[Bucky's stance is not quite military, but it's very straight-backed and disapproving all the same.]

Then enlighten me.

cw: mention of self-harm

[jumpthegun]

[John glances over at Sholto. The man has finally turned back and inclines his head slightly, urging John to go on.]

I can't emote. I told you that. I'm having trouble grounding myself because of it. [He'd clear his throat here, but even that small gesture of uncertainty is lost to him at the moment.] I feel like I'm half out of my body and seeing things that aren't there. I thought pain might help do something. I can't hurt myself right now, though.

['Hurting yourself won't help MN Poisoning, Watson,' Sholto says, lips drawing to a thin line of displeasure. 'It's punishment, and that's all it will be.']

cw: mention of self-harm

[advanced]

[He gets it, he does. There were moments in the beginning, when the blankness was so much a part of him, that feeling anything was a step forwards. But even he had known that pain wasn't the answer there.]

It won't.

[He shakes his head, half concerned and half annoyed.]

It's just pain, physical, that's it. It won't make you feel anything but the physical, it's not a substitute for real emotion, and it's not the right way to go. You wanted to be punished, I get that, but it's not right.

[jumpthegun]

Then what the hell is the right way?

[That would be more of a frustrated shout if it could be. It's just delivered in the same monotone as everything else.]

[advanced]

I don't know.

[At least it's honest.]

I've been looking for it for two years now, and all I know is that it's not that way. All that does is hurt you and the person hurting you. I think for you, the right way is just to wait-- this is MN poisoning, a death price, it'll pass.

[jumpthegun]

Killing Luna and Quark isn't going to pass. Killing Stein isn't going to pass. [He wants to let his voice hitch, to feel tears burning his eyes. Anything.] I know we have to keep going. I know. I know I'm a hypocrite, but it feels like this is different. Bad timing, luck... but I was the only one that did this. I'm terrified I'll hurt anyone who can't fight back. It's people like Quark and Ecks who need me, though. How can I be around patients when I might snap and kill them?

[advanced]

[He meant the emotionless will pass, but he knows John already knows that and is just lashing out as much as is possible for him when it's still all said in a calm monotone.]

That fear isn't something that's ever gone away for me, I'm sorry, I know that's not comforting. But you can do things to make yourself safer, so you don't have to stop treating the people who need you. Take someone with you who can fight back, who's there to watch you and make sure you don't hurt other people.

[jumpthegun]

Sherlock wants me to meet up with him and Mary. She could take me.

[Sherlock probably could, as well, if he were determined. He'd survived against one of Mary's old assassin friends.]

[advanced]

[He nods slowly, that's something and Mary will likely watch him closer than anyone else.

There's a brief hesitation, before he bluntly jumps right into the other thing he wants to address.]

You're hallucinating again, who or what is it?

[jumpthegun]

[John makes a point of looking straight ahead for a moment instead of letting his eyes stray to the left where Sholto is standing.]

It's nothing.

[His eyes flick over briefly to the other man and his expression is disapproving.]

My commander. I know he's not real. It's fine.

['I'm not part of the death price, either, Watson.'

He has to hold his tongue responding that it might get a little better once the death price is gone, at least. Although, John's not really that hopeful about it.]

[advanced]

[He's glad that John corrects himself and tells him the truth without him having to call him on his crap, though it's not good that he's hallucinating at all. He hopes it's part of the death price.]

Just because something isn't real, doesn't mean the effects can't be.

[Trust him, he understands that.]

What's he doing? Saying?

[jumpthegun]

He's just standing there. [John points to Bucky's right and John's left.] He just said it wasn't the death price. And, yes, thank you, sir. [His tone would be sarcastic if it could be.

Sholto stares back at him mildly, and John feels chastised by the silence.]

[advanced]

[That brings a concerned furrow to his brow. He glances in that direction but, obviously, doesn't see anything.]

Do you think he's right?

[Why would he be there if not as a death price? Was John that traumatised by what happened? The answer is obviously yes, but it's not a comforting one.]

[jumpthegun]

I don't know.

['Watson.' There's a weariness to Sholto's tone.]

Maybe.

['Hedging never suited you.' John's gaze falls to Bucky's feet.]

Yes.

[advanced]

[Good. Well. He has no idea how to advise John on getting rid of a hallucination, he's not really suffered from that particular ailment himself.]

Why now?

[This place is horrific, these people aren't the first to die by John's hand, so why now?]

[jumpthegun]

['Guilt, Sholto replies. Bucky is aware of him, so John allows his gaze and attention to focus on the major. The doctor's voice is quiet as he speaks.]

Never very good with the hard things. Imagined myself into a limp after the Army. Stopped talking to most of the people I'd met after Sherlock faked his death. Saw Mary after she died, started drinking, couldn't sleep. Haven't slept since I woke up, not properly. That might be some of it. Reckon it's the Major, particularly, for what happened with him.

[advanced]

[That it's a pattern is worrying and also comforting at the same time, because it means that while he's susceptible to it, he has also recovered from it on multiple occasions too.]

What happened to him?

[He has more he wants to say than that, but he'll keep things short and simple for now.]

[jumpthegun]

Led a group of crows into battle--the new lads. [He's not sure how well military terminology will translate across time and countries.] Standard procedure. It was supposed to be quick in and out. But everything went wrong. When we got to them, he was the only one left alive, half his body covered in burns. He probably should've died that day, those wounds, out for that long. I think he wishes he did.

[Or rather, he knows the Major did.]

It never left him. There weren't any charges drawn up. He had an honorable discharge, went off to live alone in the country. People send him death threats. Someone tried to murder him at my wedding. He came near to letting them.

[advanced]

I saw that before, people needing to blame the survivor because the one they loved didn't make it back too. Must've been a lot worse because he was their commanding officer, people seem to think that makes you able to stop a bullet or something, a protector for the others. Poor bastard.

[The actual war might have been a different one, but the reactions of the people in it and surrounded by it are the same.]

[jumpthegun]

Mm.

['I like him,' Sholto notes with some approval in his tone.]

That's him, anyway. I had a couple of different blokes in charge of my regiment over in Afghanistan, but Major Sholto was my commander.

[advanced]

You don't forget your commanders.

[Even he remembers his, for all the other people he's forgotten.]

You know his guilt wasn't justified, so subconsciously this part of you conjuring him knows your guilt isn't either.

[jumpthegun]

[That would earn a raise of John's brows. Sholto does it, instead, giving Bucky another appraising look.]

Did you find a Psychology 101 book?

[advanced]

[Bucky's look is endlessly dry.]

You really think I never tried to read things on psychology and psychiatry after I got free?