[network] @standardissue; Dear Norfinbury [open] - Day 178

[deus_ex_phs]

DEAR NORFINBURY

Hello, everyone. Welcome to "Dear Norfinbury," an advice column created by yours truly. Got a burning question you want a second opinion on? Need advice for a situation or problem? Having relationship troubles that you could use some help ironing out?

You've come to the right place here! This forum has been created to allow people to solicit advice from the general populace of Norfinbury for any and all questions you might have!

But wait, you say. You have questions, but you don't want to attach your name to them. How can you safely post and have discussions when there's no anonymous function on these tablets?

That's where I come in!

Simply send your submission and any subsequent responses you want to keep anonymous to @standardissue, and I will post them for you here, removing any mention of your name. You have my word that I will keep your confidence, on my SOLDIER honor! Try to be courteous to each other, but know that I won't alter any responses beyond the requirements of anonymity.



[OOC: Okay, so here's how this works! Anyone who wants to submit something to the column can reply to the SUBMISSIONS thread. The Submissions thread is public, just helps separate the genuine requests from everything else that will no doubt get posted here. If you want a submission or a reply to be ANONYMOUS, please mark it as such in your subject line. Just to be clear, though, any and all "anonymous" submissions have to pass through Kunsel's hands. That part can be handwaved, so you guys don't necessarily need MY involvement to tag back and forth. I promise he will dutifully reproduce every word that gets sent, minus the poster's name. Just keep in mind that Kunsel technically is involved in every anonymous posting, and that all anonymous posts will appear to be sent by @standardissue.

Also, he won't step in and cut off any anonymous threads unless I'm either specifically asked, or unless things escalate wildly. E.g. if you think your character is going to start sending anonymous death threats, Kunsel might object to posting that. Mostly, I don't want to interfere with threads if I can at all avoid it, but use your judgment here and contact me if you think it should come to that. o/ I am available through PM or through plurk at nivisecond.

Of course, I'm under no illusions as to how well this whole idea is going to go off. If this whole thing goes up in flames and never actually gets around to any advice, it will come as no surprise. :3

Just have fun with it, everyone!]

Comments

@309_W1C_2DZ; text

[howdull]

[To be overtly rude, or to play this a different way? Bring out the emoticons and false enthusiasm...]

I'm so very happy for you that you are finding happiness with John. As his best friend, allow me to give you some advice to help the dates go more smoothly.

1. Don't be put off when he spits in your face while talking, he can't always control his saliva production when sexually aroused.
2. If you're lucky enough to entice him to your bed, he always honours his new lover by shaving his pubic hair into a likeness of their face. He's very artistically talented.
3. Please pay no mind if he wants to call you 'Mummy'.
4. If possible, it would be better to avoid excessive exercise on dates, John suffers terribly from haemorrhoids.

You're a lucky girl to have caught his eye ;)

not here

[swatsflies]

[ THAT IS A LOT OF STUFF HE DIDNT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WATSON ]

@makeme; text

[coyoteking]

so how do you know about the pubic hair thing

[howdull]

We were flatmates for a long time.

[coyoteking]

do flatmates where youre from usually look at eachothers junk

[howdull]

We were very close flatmates.

[Does he mind that this insinuates they were together? No, not at all. It's much more convenient if everyone thinks they're off the market.]

@guardian; text;

[phaseshifter]

Whoa! For the record, those are all signs of virility on my planet. Swoon.

[howdull]

Then you ought to move fast; as you can see, he has another interested.

[Fight each other out of the equation!]

text

[jumpthegun]

[He's going to murder you in your sleep, Sherlock Holmes.]

Aw, Sherlock, you're always looking out for me. Just to clarify, though:

1. Sherlock doesn't understand the difference between sexual arousal and sneezing. I've tried explaining it. He's had a bit of trouble. I think he's got a bit of a thing for h/c, you know?

2. He's also a voyeur, apparently.

3. I think a little Halloween fun got out of hand when he'd had a few too many drinks. Sherlock's a bit of a lightweight.

4. I can assure you it's not haemorrhoids that are the pain in my ass.

text;

[swatsflies]

[ He was really, really trying hard not to say anything but ]

h/c?
Is that why he sticks around you?

text;

[swatsflies]

[ Wait. No. ABORT ABORT ]

DONT ACTUALLY ANSWER THAT
I don't really want to know

text;

[jumpthegun]

Zell, he's just being a prick, and for the last time, he is not my boyfriend. And I really don't get hurt that often.

[swatsflies]

why do you like him?

[jumpthegun]

That's a complicated question.

text;

[howdull]

Actually, that's a fairly accurate summation of why John stays with me.

Re: text;

[swatsflies]

Thanks for clarifying that.
You know if you treated him better he wouldn't be trying to get a blind date.

text;

[howdull]

You underestimate John's libido.

[Seriously, he's seen the man try to get dates under all kinds of circumstances.]

[howdull]

[He smirks to himself at his end. Good, John is joining in, this means he must be forgiven for the drug incidents. Not that he's forgiven John yet, but he's bored and this hopefully serves his purpose of putting John's perspective new girlfriend off.]

Don't be shy, there's no need to hide the truth from a perspective partner. I'm sure she wants to know the real you.

[jumpthegun]

Should we talk about the real you while we're at it? Since we're being honest. Ms. Adler had a few interesting points, as I recall. And a very interesting nickname for you.

[howdull]

I don't want to talk about the Woman.

[Excuse you, this is only fun when they're teasing John.]

There's no need to talk about the 'real me', I'm not the one looking for a prospective partner among women too young for me.

not here

[exequies]

[ow my sides]

Anon/text

[ninjainviolet]

[ Okay, now that Sheena has laughed herself silly over the absurdity of the "advice", she can think of only one reply. ]

Oh! Thank you so much. It's nice to know that John has someone looking out for him. I'll be sure to keep everything you said in mind.

[ Probably not what he expected. ]

[howdull]

[No! This was the opposite of what he intended.]

He also neglects to wash his hands when he has used the bathroom.

[ninjainviolet]

[ He didn't reckon with Sheena, now did he? ]

Sometimes, you can't. When you have to go, you go--whether there's running water or not.

[howdull]

[There's a begrudging sort of respect for her now, but he's still not going to let her date John.]

Often he doesn't manage to remove his trousers first.