snowblindrpg | [network] @zachtastic; day 154; end of the tunnel [filtered to Kesara and Steph] [cw: death talk]

Entry tags:

[network] @zachtastic; day 154; end of the tunnel [filtered to Kesara and Steph] [cw: death talk]

[It wasn't even waking up in a bag with a sharp, loud intake of breath that reverberated in his ears. It wasn't even that, when he finally managed to stumble out of the body bag, he fell right off the table and to the floor. It wasn't even that he couldn't find his backpack, that there was nothing lying around as he fumbled, sweat beading on his brow as panic increased.

No. It wasn't any of that. It wasn't the memories of his dying again - he clawed a little at his chest, but here it is all was, his organs inside his body and his skin intact, no concrete anywhere. It wasn't the cold, the strange feeling making him woozy, the sound of the wind whipping inside the building from cracks in the walls.

It was the darkness.

Complete, intense pitch-black darkness. Zach brought his hand up, trying to see his fingers, and he couldn't, he couldn't. He rubbed at his eyes, pressing his fingers to them, just to make sure - they were still there, still inside his skull, just. Not working.

Panic seized up his muscles, making him forcefully sit down again, fingers closing and opening over his knees as he rocked back and forth, trying to see, trying to see anything.

Nothing.

He stayed like that for a while. For a long time, he sat and searched and came up empty, and tried to stop the rise of bile up his throat, swallowing repeatedly against the nausea. He doesn't know how long he was out of it, how long he just sat there and tried to see, until his mind allowed another thought through the panic and despair.

Shit, shit shit shit, is Steph okay, is Kesara okay, did they find each other, shit. At least, Zach still has his tablet, and he feels his fingers shake as he holds it, taking some time to figure out the voice commands before being able to send a filtered message, private to both Steph and Kesara.]

[private; audio]

Are you - are you okay? I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know where I am, I can't - [His voice breaks, trembles, the words coming out jagged, feeling like shards of glass slashing at his mouth.]

I can't see.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Zach can't help but smile, his eyes closed, tears at their corners.]

You are. And I trust you both more than anybody else here. I know you've got my back.

[If there's anybody who does, it's the two of them. He knows he can count on them, to help him and keep his spirits up, even though everything seems so grim right now, everything is so dark.]

I'll be careful, don't worry. I just need to know where I am, so I can start making my way to you, right?

And so we can start coming towards you! [She says it very quickly, before Zach can even think of saying anything about how he's sorry and it's all his fault and they shouldn't or she doesn't even know. Steph told her how he died. The thought that he'd feel guilty for something like that brings back an echoing stab of the nausea she felt when she first heard of it.]

But it, it might take us a little more time - the doors didn't open this morning - but that means you're safe where you are. Nothing can come in, and you won't get locked out. [In the midst of that relief, another horrifying thought.] Do you have your gear? Do you have food?

Yeah, 'course.

[He's not going to pretend he can stop them from coming his way, and really, right now, he's weak enough and sad enough that all he wants is for both of them to be with him. Fuck his pride, honestly.]

I...I don't. Have anything. Steph kept my stuff, to bring you the food we got. I asked her to.

[A dying wish.]

[He doesn't have anything. This means no water either. There's a squeak of terror in the back of her throat and she has to swallow very hard to keep it down.

But she succeeds. No one has ever needed her more to not be afraid, not be angry, not stop thinking.]

You - you can be all right for a while without food. Even a long time. But, you need to go find a source of water. Even if it's the privy. The water in the tanks are safe to drink, Kunsel said so.

[Bless her and her logical mind. Zach's been too busy panicking, most of the time, to even think about food or water, but he knows she's right, that he needs some water at the very least. He can deal for a day, probably, but he'd rather not.

Sure, toilet water's gross as hell, but it's not like anyone has used them for ages. He's not really all that bothered about the prospect.]

Yeah, I know, I've used it before. I don't mind really. I'll check, later. I'm not - [I'm too nauseous to drink, he wants to say. He doesn't say. She doesn't need to have to deal with his panic.]

I'm going to be fine, Kes. You and I, we're gonna meet up soon, and you can show me everything I haven't seen yet about the pass.

You need to check it now. You need to make sure you have water. [However gently, she still pushes, the fear she's barely suppressing making her insistent. Zach doesn't like it when she tells him what to do like that, but right now it just slips.]

If there isn't any we need to think of something else. So you have to check so I know you're going to be fine because I need to know, Zach, and Steph, too. When she told me what happened she was - I was - [she swallows hard.] I thought she was going to die too.

[Zach sighs. He doesn't really want to run around with his tablet on and bump into shit for however long until he finds water.

But she's not going to let it go.]

Hang on.

[He turns his tablet off, and goes for a search around. He goes upstairs, then into the cells; walks straight into shit and he's sure he'll have a number of bruises to tell afterwards, but. He ends up finding the bathrooms, and he turns the feed back on, holding his tablet firmly over the bowl of a toilet.]

Here. Happy?

[He doesn't mean to snap. He's so glad she's okay, and she's here and she's only worried about him, she wants to make sure he's fine, and that's - that's understandable, he'd be the same if it was the other way around. He would. But everything makes him want to snap, right now.

But then she mentions when Steph told her, and Zach's heart sinks in his chest, heavy and uncomfortable.]

Where are you, right now? Are you alone?

[She might be hurt at that snap, if she were capable of feeling angry with him right now. But her relief is too total, it insulates her from every other thought - relief, and the push of concern that makes her willing to do just about anything to see that he's all right. He can be angry at her all he likes, she knows she won't tell him not to be angry, as long as he's all right.]

I am happy, [she lets him know, both bossy and painfully sincere. She can do so little for him, for any of it. How can she neglect to do any of it?

His question nearly makes her whimper. Yes, she's alone. She'd been so desperately aware of it all that long day, not even able to travel. But she can do so little beyond put up her strongest face, not make him hurt or worry. Not any more. She breathes in through her nose, trying to make that quiet as well, a little snatching of sound.]

I'm locked in too. I'm safe. I'm only a day away from where Steph is, though, so we'll be together soon. Just you wait a little and we will.

[Zach can't help it, he rolls his eyes, but there's humor in it. He lets out a chuckle, shaking his head.]

Okay. It'll be fine. Only a few more days, and we'll be together again.

[He hates that she's alone - he's reading between the lines and her lack of answer, and he fucking hates it, but what can he do? He's stuck here and he's helpless, a shitty baby bird.]

I'm not going to just wait, I'll meet you guys halfway.

But you're - !

[She stops. It costs her, but she stops. Something in her, the needle that keenly swings to the feelings of others even when she doesn't act on her empathy, senses just how fragile he is now. She flails between what she wants to say, and a subtlety that she's not nearly old enough to have mastered yet.]

How - how will you find shelter at night, if you can't see? The tablets don't know how to read maps out loud...

Al is around, apparently. According to Steph. She's asking him if he can pick me up, help me out.

[From what he understand of the dude, too, Al's a bleeding heart, a true, selfless hero kinda guy. He'll help.]

I just know that I can't stay here and do nothing, Kes. Even if I was trying it alone, you'd help, right? You can tell me what's close, what I can reach if I try to make it by myself.

[One person to support his choice if he was to make it. One person. That's all he needs. He's already so tired of the amount of you can't do it alone he's got so far. It wears on someone.]

Of course I'd help!

[Even as she says it - instantly, furiously - Kesara knows that that is a foolish idea. Deeply, dangerously foolish. She can't be Zach's eyes through the tablet, not once he's out and about, weaving blind and, she knows, afraid through Norfinbury's empty wastes. And yet she's said it and she can't take it back.

She loves him so much, and it makes her so angry that she can't make him do what she knows is the best thing for him. It's only the strength of her promise that stops her from acting on that, and Kesara has broken her promises before. But Zach is different to anyone else. That is the point.]

I'll help you get to Al. I know you can't do nothing. I know! Only please don't, don't try it all alone. I don't want you to be alone. You didn't want me to be alone, did you?

[It's the tone of her voice that makes it so difficult for Zach to deal with things. She sounds scared for him, so worried, and it's never been - he's never wanted that. Even when he was so, so mad at her, he didn't want her to worry. And look where he's at now, with both Kesara and Steph fretting, worrying themselves over him in a way that makes him feel like his skin is too tight.

He's still not used to be anyone's burden. He doesn't like it; he actively hates it. But there's nothing he can do about it. He can't make them stop caring, he doesn't want them to stop caring. It's just. He's such a fuck-up, and no one should feel responsible for his fuck-ups but him.]

No, I didn't. And I know - I know it'd be stupid for me to try and walk all the way north by myself. It'll be fine. Don't worry, okay? It'll be fine, promise. I promise you.

[You can't really promise that! Inside her head it's a scream. Why does he say that? He knows it isn't true. Sometimes Zach says foolish things, but she's sure he knows this isn't true. He can't promise not to die. He can't promise to come back. No one can promise that anything would be fine. All of it is just lying.

She used to like lying a lot more once. She feels like she was much younger then.

She can't scream at Zach. He's trying to make things better. She swallows. The struggle for that restraint is audible in her small voice.] I'll stop worrying when - I'll try to, but - it's - oah, Zach, I trust you, you know how much I trust you, but I don't trust Norfinbury!

[Zach sighs. He knows he can't stop her from worrying, but he wishes she didn't add it on top of everything else. He doesn't want anyone to feel responsible for him, or his actions, because he knows he doesn't often make good choices, but he doesn't want to feel guilty about it. Damn.]

Neither do I, kiddo. I'll be careful, okay? I'll be super careful, always.

I trust you. [She feels like she needs to say it again, and she says it with force. Maybe to remind herself and maybe as the only way she has to convey to him that she needs some kind of reassurance. Since she can't have control. Her trust isn't something she just gives anyone.]

You find Al. And I'll keep coming to find you and Steph. And we'll keep talking and be careful together. And not worry together. That would be fine.

Sounds like a great plan.

[He felt so tired. For someone who'd done nothing since he woke up, he was just exhausted. It was so hard, to try and keep positive so she would worry about him less.

But they had an idea of what to do now, they knew where they were going and they'll be back together soon. The thought made him smile, even though he yawned, loud and long.]

Sorry. This stuff is - it's exhausting. I'm straining a lot to compensate, I think.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[network] @zachtastic; day 154; end of the tunnel [filtered to Kesara and Steph] [cw: death talk]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject