[network] @zachtastic; day 154; end of the tunnel [filtered to Kesara and Steph] [cw: death talk]

[majorlazer]

[It wasn't even waking up in a bag with a sharp, loud intake of breath that reverberated in his ears. It wasn't even that, when he finally managed to stumble out of the body bag, he fell right off the table and to the floor. It wasn't even that he couldn't find his backpack, that there was nothing lying around as he fumbled, sweat beading on his brow as panic increased.

No. It wasn't any of that. It wasn't the memories of his dying again - he clawed a little at his chest, but here it is all was, his organs inside his body and his skin intact, no concrete anywhere. It wasn't the cold, the strange feeling making him woozy, the sound of the wind whipping inside the building from cracks in the walls.

It was the darkness.

Complete, intense pitch-black darkness. Zach brought his hand up, trying to see his fingers, and he couldn't, he couldn't. He rubbed at his eyes, pressing his fingers to them, just to make sure - they were still there, still inside his skull, just. Not working.

Panic seized up his muscles, making him forcefully sit down again, fingers closing and opening over his knees as he rocked back and forth, trying to see, trying to see anything.

Nothing.

He stayed like that for a while. For a long time, he sat and searched and came up empty, and tried to stop the rise of bile up his throat, swallowing repeatedly against the nausea. He doesn't know how long he was out of it, how long he just sat there and tried to see, until his mind allowed another thought through the panic and despair.

Shit, shit shit shit, is Steph okay, is Kesara okay, did they find each other, shit. At least, Zach still has his tablet, and he feels his fingers shake as he holds it, taking some time to figure out the voice commands before being able to send a filtered message, private to both Steph and Kesara.]

[private; audio]

Are you - are you okay? I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know where I am, I can't - [His voice breaks, trembles, the words coming out jagged, feeling like shards of glass slashing at his mouth.]

I can't see.

Comments

[heavensreader]

Of course I'd help!

[Even as she says it - instantly, furiously - Kesara knows that that is a foolish idea. Deeply, dangerously foolish. She can't be Zach's eyes through the tablet, not once he's out and about, weaving blind and, she knows, afraid through Norfinbury's empty wastes. And yet she's said it and she can't take it back.

She loves him so much, and it makes her so angry that she can't make him do what she knows is the best thing for him. It's only the strength of her promise that stops her from acting on that, and Kesara has broken her promises before. But Zach is different to anyone else. That is the point.]

I'll help you get to Al. I know you can't do nothing. I know! Only please don't, don't try it all alone. I don't want you to be alone. You didn't want me to be alone, did you?

[majorlazer]

[It's the tone of her voice that makes it so difficult for Zach to deal with things. She sounds scared for him, so worried, and it's never been - he's never wanted that. Even when he was so, so mad at her, he didn't want her to worry. And look where he's at now, with both Kesara and Steph fretting, worrying themselves over him in a way that makes him feel like his skin is too tight.

He's still not used to be anyone's burden. He doesn't like it; he actively hates it. But there's nothing he can do about it. He can't make them stop caring, he doesn't want them to stop caring. It's just. He's such a fuck-up, and no one should feel responsible for his fuck-ups but him.]

No, I didn't. And I know - I know it'd be stupid for me to try and walk all the way north by myself. It'll be fine. Don't worry, okay? It'll be fine, promise. I promise you.

[heavensreader]

[You can't really promise that! Inside her head it's a scream. Why does he say that? He knows it isn't true. Sometimes Zach says foolish things, but she's sure he knows this isn't true. He can't promise not to die. He can't promise to come back. No one can promise that anything would be fine. All of it is just lying.

She used to like lying a lot more once. She feels like she was much younger then.

She can't scream at Zach. He's trying to make things better. She swallows. The struggle for that restraint is audible in her small voice.] I'll stop worrying when - I'll try to, but - it's - oah, Zach, I trust you, you know how much I trust you, but I don't trust Norfinbury!

[majorlazer]

[Zach sighs. He knows he can't stop her from worrying, but he wishes she didn't add it on top of everything else. He doesn't want anyone to feel responsible for him, or his actions, because he knows he doesn't often make good choices, but he doesn't want to feel guilty about it. Damn.]

Neither do I, kiddo. I'll be careful, okay? I'll be super careful, always.

[heavensreader]

I trust you. [She feels like she needs to say it again, and she says it with force. Maybe to remind herself and maybe as the only way she has to convey to him that she needs some kind of reassurance. Since she can't have control. Her trust isn't something she just gives anyone.]

You find Al. And I'll keep coming to find you and Steph. And we'll keep talking and be careful together. And not worry together. That would be fine.

[majorlazer]

Sounds like a great plan.

[He felt so tired. For someone who'd done nothing since he woke up, he was just exhausted. It was so hard, to try and keep positive so she would worry about him less.

But they had an idea of what to do now, they knew where they were going and they'll be back together soon. The thought made him smile, even though he yawned, loud and long.]

Sorry. This stuff is - it's exhausting. I'm straining a lot to compensate, I think.