[network] @ADMIN; Arrival

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[heavensreader]

Kunsel! [Her relief at the sight of him is of a different sort. Somehow, she feels as though he of all people would be able to explain everything.] I was in Serindia. It was as if none of this ever happened. It's been weeks!

[deus_ex_phs]

Hmm. And yet, I'm fairly certain your body has been here the whole time. Amnesia, maybe? Not now, but before?

[He has other theories, but he wants to test that one first.]

[heavensreader]

You mean that I didn't remember? [She explains it half to herself, almost in the hope that the explanation would catch. It doesn't. It can't.]

No. I can't have forgotten. Not everything that happened. You don't know how much happened, Kunsel, the most amazing and the worst things...

[deus_ex_phs]

Things that feel truly real?

[It's not skepticism, just another test.]

[heavensreader]

It's more than feel. [She knows better than to trust things that 'feel real', after her first experience in Norfinbury.] Things have happened that changed me. And I'm still changed. You can't see it, maybe, but I know it.

[deus_ex_phs]

[Kunsel hums, accepting her explanation. Time to toss something a little more complicated at her, then.]

Do you think you have two bodies, then? One here, one there, and your mind was just transferred between them? But because your body there doesn't have the nanomachines, so any memories they hold would be locked here.

[heavensreader]

[It is more complicated, but she can parse it. And once she does, she goes faintly gray.]

Then - then would my body there be dead now, just as my body here was? Dropped dead, just so?

[deus_ex_phs]

[Kunsel tilts his head, lifting an eyebrow.]

You said it was as if none of this happened. That would imply that no one noticed anything wrong. Doesn't sound like you died there, does it?

[heavensreader]

No - [she struggles to articulate an utterly alien experience.] It seemed as though - when I was there, it seemed as though I had never left, but more, because I remembered nothing - now I remember the way I spent those two months in Serindia, but also the way I spent them in Norfinbury, all at the same time. Heaven, it rattles my head! It feels almost like, like there were two of me all that time.

[deus_ex_phs]

Maybe there was. Maybe you split. Not a copy, just half of you there, half of you here. And then, the part of you that's here touched the other half and knows what the other part of you did.

[heavensreader]

[It's very rare that Kesara is rendered speechless, but lo, it has happened. She even sputters a little before finding her voice again.]

But - but - do you mean my mind split, or -

[deus_ex_phs]

Why not? You're capable of multitasking, doing two things at once. This would just be one step further.

I'm not saying this is the case, Kesara. Just a possibility.

[heavensreader]

But it isn't the same. Even when I do two things at once it is still all me who is doing them! But if this is true, then, then - is there still another Kesara Freamon, back in Serindia?!

[deus_ex_phs]

Maybe, but she'd still be you, Kesara. You said yourself, you felt like you never left at all.

[heavensreader]

But I am talking to you now. And who knows what she might be doing! So one of us - in the end - one of us won't count.

[deus_ex_phs]

Except that's not true. You remember being her, even if she doesn't remember being you. So if you count, then she does, too.

[heavensreader]

No... if I am the one who remembers then it is her who doesn't count. Though perhaps, if we return for good... this is giving me such a headache!

[deus_ex_phs]

If she doesn't count, tell me, then. What part of her doesn't count right now? What part of her isn't a part of you?

[heavensreader]

Well - surely the part that is now back in Serindia and is doing the devil knows what. I do hope she is doing something sensible. I know that she is me, but really, can you trust anyone?

[A subtle shift of accent shows that the style of humour, if not the joke itself, isn't hers. She is trying to channel the only person she can think of who might be able to make sense of this, and this is exactly what she imagines Lao Dian would have said.]

[deus_ex_phs]

[That is a different tone than he's heard from her before, but... well, it should be expected that she's grown a little, if she really has gained months' worth of new memories and experiences.]

Well, nice to know what you think of my trustworthiness, then.

[Humor can be met with humor. Besides, what better way to poke at this cycle of cynicism she seems stuck in?]

[heavensreader]

[Kesara can't help but chuckle a little in response, which nearly cracks into the hysterical considering the thoughts still running mad through her head. Is he trying to distract her? Maybe she'll take the distraction. She knows when she isn't getting anywhere...]

You've - you've never really lied to me, Kain, not lied, not to me. So I must believe that all you say is really what you think, about this. But to me it is - it is - it's too much.

[This may be the first time in her little life that she has admitted to any knowledge being too much for her. There is a tiny choke under the words.]

[deus_ex_phs]

[Kunsel smile fades a little, a little rueful, a little wry.]

Kunsel.

[Because yes, he did lie to her at least once, even if it wasn't about anything that was truly important. Just his name.]

Knowing when too much is too much, though... You've definitely gotten older, Kesara. If you need time to sort it all out and figure out how you want to deal with it, I'm only going to think more highly of you.

[heavensreader]

Kunsel. [She echoes his tone exactly, except with the slightest playful note that shows the warning is not a serious one. A reminder, a small one, that honesty is good policy with her. She can't altogether help it. She has gotten older, and harder.]

I have a lot to think about. From - from back there, as well. [An equally small confession, though already Serindia is there, as she knows it must be.] I know here it is important to be moving forward, but thank you. Kunsel.

[deus_ex_phs]

[His smile returns, warm enough to color his voice.]

You're welcome. Always happy to try to help keep perspective.

Speaking of which, we probably both ought to focus on getting going. Take care of yourself, alright? There'll be plenty of time to think.

[Trudging through the snow alone gives more than enough of that.]