snowblindrpg | As Sharp as Knives

[It's incredibly rude to use someone's own logic against them, Will. House is both irritated and amused as he clucks his tongue at himself and the easy trap he just fell into there.]

don't cheapen our love with labels!

[How to address the rest of that, though.]

murder is different from flirting
maybe not for you and lecter
but for the rest of the general population

[Mixing the two severely crosses House's wires and makes Will harder to predict, which is frustratingly intriguing.]

i never said it matters
just that it's weird

♥

House/Wilson = Hilson?

♥

[ Look. House does not get nearly the appropriate amount of trolling in his life. Just saying.

As for the rest of it. The ex-profiler's impish grin faded and he sobered before he responded. ]

Murder can be quite intimate.
It can come from the same place as love. Usually it is seen as the expression of love gone wrong.

[ Which was a slight nod to the fact that he and Lecter saw murder not as love gone wrong, but ... just love. ]

You see art in potentially life changing DDX, do you not?
Not the same as murder, but still ... how many other doctors like to be faced with a diagnosis they can't overcome? Yet you invite them.

Edited (trying to fix the html a little) 2017-12-28 02:46 (UTC)

psh!
amateurish
cool guys draw hot rods and label them with JW

[He'd been... bored. And hadn't seen Wilson in something like five months at that point. Maybe Will saw it in the elementary school cafeteria when they'd gone to pick up food, maybe not. It's there, though. A few of House's drawings are scattered around town. Rockets and guitars, motorcycles and hot rods. That one he's never told anyone what it was about, but hey, it's apparently a night for sharing. That's easier over the network than in-person.

He takes a little while to respond to the more serious portion of this conversation.]

i don't see art in anything i do
i see science
evidence
what do you do when the disease doesn't follow the textbook?
tests and treatments
they're all part of it
gathering data
analysis
pushing past the lies
solving the puzzle
a perfect explanation for imperfect lines
truth
wilson calls it my "rubik's complex"
gotta solve the puzzle
most doctors like it easier than that
they just wanna help people
clinic work
it's boring
you don't have to think
not really

[He realizes he's maybe ranting, maybe rambling. He doesn't actually get to talk about his real job all that much, though. And he does love it, misses it. Misses even the boring clinic patients at this point. The games with Cuddy and Wilson--ten bucks for every patient you can diagnose without touching them--his team, God he misses his team. Even Chase. He never thought he'd miss freaking Chase.]

beauty, i'll give you
maybe your idea of murder's beautiful
or the design, right?
the why and how
the intent
what are they trying to say?
what are the clues telling you?

[What are the tests telling you? In spite of the fact that he really doesn't like the idea of comparing his work to murder, he can see the edges of it, the connection Will is trying to make.]

Edited (HTML and adding a little) 2017-12-28 06:09 (UTC)

[ As was often the case in his conversations with House, Will waited with quiet patience as the other man "spoke", before reading and re-reading the text. He silently mouthed the words as he read, as if tasting them, hearing them internally, taking them in with all his senses before he responded. ]

I don't disagree, House.
You are applying the scientific method to your work.
Your mind is obviously very analytical.
But it also thrives on the art that is inherent in such analytics.

Humor me.
How many musical instruments do you play above and beyond the piano?
Music is important to you.
Think about it, House. When you're not high, is it ever silent in your mind?
Or is there a piano playing?

Stop right now and look inwards.
Listen to that piano.
Hear the notes.
Taste the analytical grace in the melody.
Can you hear it? Now close your eyes and picture parchment, with a blank stave before you.
Start to fill in what you hear. It won't be complete, don't worry about that, but start anyway.

What is it telling you?

[ Will waits a minute, figuring he'll either get told to go fuck off, or just maybe House will try; out of curiosity's sake. ]

All that information in your head, House. About this place, your experiences in it. The opening allegro, the adagio. A scherzo, I think rather than a minuet, and then possibly a ritornello?

i can play anything
guitar, piano, and harmonica are the only things i play well

[Although he can pick things up a lot faster than most people, as evidenced by his efforts with his flute.]

it's also cute you think it's a piano playing in my head when i'm sober

[It is on the good days. On the really bad days, it's nails on chalkboards, static, "lavender's blue, dilly dilly," and too many voices to pick out meaning or sort through. Everything is too loud on the bad days, and he just wants to hide from everyone until he can think without it hurting.

But he'll humor Will because it's a neutral sort of day. The piano and other instruments play overlaid on other noise. House can mentally tune things out for the moment, and he closes his eyes to do so after reading through Will's message.

He pictures the page, notes filling in as his mind paints them on each line. His fingers tap the desk as he 'plays.' When he's done, House feels a sense of calm; he's more collected as he responds. It's been long enough that Will could be forgiven for thinking he's been hung up on.]

it's telling me i really wish they had more than one working piano in this joint
i can organize my thoughts to music
i'm still not seeing what i do as particularly artistic
but i'm not crazy about modern art
so what do i know?

[A joke is about as close to acquiescence as Will is going to get here.]

Edited 2017-12-29 18:53 (UTC)

[ He wouldn't have been surprised had House hung up on him. Will suspected he was pushing the boundaries of 'personal space' they maintained between themselves.

That the older man responded, and in a way that suggested he'd actually attempted the mental exercise Will had suggested as an impromptu construction of his own wayward thought process, was appreciated. As a gesture of that appreciation, the ex-profiler backed off a little. ]

When it came to the science of murder, Beverly Katz, Jimmy Price and Brian Zeller were the maestroes.
They could do what you say you do.
Take the evidence and run the tests that coaxed every last little spec of information out of the evidence.
Gathering data
Analysis
Filling in the lines on the explanation.

For a long time, I insisted that all I was doing was interpreting the evidence.
Very clinical.
It was a way to insulate myself from the horrors I invited into my head.
Hannibal tore all that insulation away.
Made me accept that I could feel the art in the horror because it came from the darkness within myself.

[ For a moment, Will paused as he considered whether or not to push at House, just a little further. To ask from where within House came that desperate 'rubix complex'.

Will deliberately set his tablet down, off to the side to keep himself from trying to burrow further into his friend's mind. ]

[Danger.

House reads through Will's message a second time to be sure that seems to be leading where he thinks it's leading. He can see the path Will is headed toward, the hand held out to him, inviting. There's a beach somewhere in Maryland that they can talk while some old man builds a totem out of bodies and a stag with raven feathers lurks.]

flesh-eating diseases have no ethical or moral complications
they just are
i think it's a little bit different
me getting in a disease's "head"
compared to what you're doing, bro

Edited 2017-12-29 19:38 (UTC)

Serial killers, the genuine psychopaths, have no ethical or moral complications either. They just, as you say, are.

[ But he gets House's point. ]

Beverly, Price and Zeller did what you do.
The clinical analysis.
I went peeking under the ichor covered rocks, looking for diamonds.
Harder to wash your hands, once you're done.

[He shouldn't type the words that rise to his mind next. Will is in Hannibal's thrall. He might be marginally less dangerous, but that doesn't make him harmless, particularly not when there's the chance that Hannibal might be able to use him, might get him to talk. This is something he hasn't been able to tell many people, though. It's... shame? That's not a feeling House legitimately feels often. He'd do a hell of a lot less if he did.

The problem with only pretending to be a sociopath is that he can only half-flip the switch on his emotions and conscience to off. Will isn't one to judge, though. I makes him annoyingly easy to talk to... like Wilson.]

it's not always the clinical analysis
i interrogate my patients
their families
everybody lies
everybody has a reason to lie

you'd be surprised, some of the crap that comes out with normal people when they're dying
or maybe not
drugs, self-harm, being adopted, being somewhere they shouldn't've been
sex
sex's usually one of the big ones
it's amazing the diseases you can get from sex

a lot of the time whatever it is they're lying about is relevant to the medicine
a lot of the time it's not
but it's still the truth
it's part of the puzzle
it's not always easy to wash off what you find
when you go looking under every stone, i guess

[His mind is on Moriarty, the wife, the dream of sitting in her car with her, garage door closed as the motor runs and darkness seeps into the edges of his vision.]

i've had experiences like you
self-hypnosis
extreme empathy
dreams
whatever you wanna call it
just once, really
but one of the last things i remember from home is sitting in a car
choking on carbon monoxide poisoning
because i found out my husband was cheating on me
in the course of my doctor's diagnosis
and i got that from a guy i barely remembered walking into my office and shooting me
it was really freaking weird

Edited 2017-12-30 18:54 (UTC)

[ It really was darkly amusing, how many of mankind's psychosis circled back to the very act of creating life.

How had humanity managed to fuck up a basic instinct so thoroughly. Hang it with so much baggage. It really was a wonder they hadn't all died out.

But that lead down an entirely different rabbit hole, one that could pass a long cold night but didn't need to be dredged up in this conversation. There was a lot Will could speak to in what House shared and he even began to type some of it out. Then he stopped and re-read the words on the screen, before deleting what he wrote.

This conversation wasn't his experiences. Besides, House already knew he was hopelessly fucked in the head. ]

You're not going to want to hear this, because it will mess with your own internal view of yourself.
But that, right there?
Is why you're a good doctor.

Not just a skilled doctor. Hannibal is an incredibly skilled doctor. He can be good, when it suits him but ... when it suits him.

You're a good doctor all the time; even when it doesn't suit you to be so.
Even when all you've wanted to do, was cut and run at every turn.

You'll tell yourself, and me I'm sure, that it's the puzzles that draw you back.
And I won't argue with you about that.
But extreme empathy, the sort that drives us to destroy ourselves on those puzzles, doesn't come from apathy.

You're not apathetic, even though you have times when you want to be. You're angry, hurt, compassionate, driven, as messed up as the rest of the human race, frustrating, capable of dangerous decisions, amusing, difficult, self-destructive and capable of a great deal of self-loathing.
But you care and you care unconditionally.

That's why I fought with John Watson about you.

[ Maybe Watson wasn't Hannibal, in terms of where Will was willing to position himself to try to protect House. But then Hannibal wasn't a current threat.

Will looked over the words he was about to send and he added some bits at the end. Might as well be shot for a sheep as a lamb. ]

You're a good man, House. Maybe not kind, in the traditional sense, but you're no cowardly either.
You don't deserve any of this, but remarkably speaking, you've survived it.
If there is nothing else you can do when you look in a mirror; remember that.

You're going to be outraged but also uncomfortable as hell when I hit send on this.
No I didn't need my empathy to see that.
So I'm going to do us both a favor and shut off my tablet.

[ And, suiting action to word, Will hit send and then closed his tablet out. ]

[House starts to type, anyway, a diatribe about why Will is incredibly wrong. That or his definition of 'good man' is basically 'doesn't murder indiscriminately.' He has a list of actions he's taken that are selfish, calculated, manipulative, of Will, others. There is nothing in him that even begins to constitute 'good man.' Wilson is a good man. Eric Foreman is a complete dick, but also a 'good man.' House is just a selfish bastard who's gotten people killed for his own ends, helped to murder a man because it was interesting. He's gotten Will hurt because he wanted a partner. He could just point out withholding the Admin's video from the other man.

There is also nothing that's unconditional. He doesn't care about his father. He makes it a point not to care about other people. He doesn't care about most of the ones here. Ask a sampling of ten people and they will tell you he's a complete bastard, a terrible person, and useful. Those are the only characteristics he has. 'Good' is not among them.

But that last paragraph stops him sending it because he's incredibly pissed off that Will just decided to preempt him like that. He deletes everything and throws his tablet across the room and sulks for ten minutes, discomfort and pain plucking at his mind. Nails and static have replaced the instruments.

He moves over to where he chucked his tablet and pulls up a new private message window.

He types in Hannibal's username, knowing it's a bad idea.]

do you have any vicodin left?

Edited 2017-12-31 03:50 (UTC)

[Hannibal has been expecting this message, and he's quite curious what has prompted it at this particular moment.]

Are you experiencing pain from your wound?

[Yeah, he doubts it, but also doubts House will be honest regardless.]

no
i was just making conversation

yes
of course

I do have some, yes. But a limited amount, so I wish to be conservative.

Can you characterize the level of your pain?

[Are they seriously going through this? House grits his teeth on the most sarcastic reply that jumps immediately to mind and gets typed out before being deleted. 'it hurts real bad, doc' likely isn't going to get him what he wants.]

graham has more
work your magic

it's a 7/10
i'd like to be able to think about something else
y'know?
like useful things

Edited 2018-01-04 23:34 (UTC)

I cannot say I disagree with Will's reasoning for limiting your access.

However, I agree a dose right now will be more beneficial than not.

oh, pls
i'm an addict
it's not a problem under normal circumstances
i never would've quit back home
graham's just blowing one thing i told him completely out of proportion

where are you?
i'll come find you

As Sharp as Knives

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