snowblindrpg | [Log] There is time to kill today [Closed]

(cont from here)

[Some things you just can't take back. Some words cut too deep, they are too hurtful and - part of Flynn is surprised that it's still possible. That there's still enough of him left to be heartbroken by the fact that Peter doesn't even see him as alive.

But apparently there is; and he is. The words are stuck in his head, over and over again and they make him dizzy, nauseous. He's so angry he can hardly breathe; at the same time so numb he feels weirdly detached from his body.

Flynn enters the room but keeps his distance, leaning against the wall.] I want you to...

[He takes a deep, shaky breath, palms pressed to his sides.] I want you to say that to my face. If you really mean that, say it.

Edited 2017-10-28 05:27 (UTC)

Dead guy walking?

[The words come out poisoned, bitter, dripping with disdain. They weren't words to mock, they were words of years of suppressed pain. He rubs his eyes with his palms, somewhat shocked to find that they come away wet. When did that happen?

He looks up at him, his eyes reddened. He's clearly not bothering to attack him or get up, but Flynn's far enough away anyway. His eyes cast back down again, not really looking at him or anything in particular, as he sniffs angrily.]

Do you think I like it this way? That if I let myself start to care again, I'll just lose you and everyone else? I've lost you over and over again. [All the versions he'd seen over the centuries.]

It doesn't matter if I kill you now or something else gets you. It'll get you eventually. And I'm tired of it.

It matters to me.

What do you not get about this? I still exist, Peter. Maybe I have a different lifespan but I'm still here, no matter how much you don't like that. My death isn't about you, you absolute jerk!

[His voice is tense, thick with emotion and disdain but also understanding. He gets what Peter is saying, in a way. Being sick of loss and disappointment.

But also, wow, screw you.]

I'm sorry, you know that? I really am. I'm sorry I couldn't save you from... this. I know you didn't want this.

Edited 2017-10-28 08:02 (UTC)

[I'm sorry I couldn't save you from... this. I know you didn't want this.

The words hit Peter like a bullet to his heart and he almost recoils in response.

Something in Peter, ancient and long-buried, crumbled quietly and allowed him to really feel the pain he'd been hiding for so long. The denial that he so desperately clung to, like when he got his mother's last gift and refused to open it for years on end.

His shoulders shook, he couldn't answer Flynn's entire retort, cause he was right--it wasn't about him at all. Right now, everything was about Peter, he'd become just as egotistical as Ego himself. He'd been cruel and callous and bitter and it was only going to get worse. He was only going to get worse.

Maybe that's why he didn't just scream at Flynn to get out, the sobs escaping him as he bit into his pack, trying to stop them from escaping. The very human reaction of pent-up sorrow and grief. He'd had a similar episode about a hundred years on, when everyone who was originally there had started dying off, when he realized what was going to happen to him, and maybe that involved smashing every last thing he could find and getting plastered for about fifty years after that, but this was more vicious. The poison of Norfinbury had seeped into him and had twisted him into the Celestial his father wanted him to be, and there was no end in sight. Whatever that remained of him, his soul, the part that he remembered every time he looked at who used to be his friends, at Flynn, was going to be stolen by this town.

It was so much easier not to care. He didn't want to be human anymore, if this is what being human was about.

His voice was raw, angry. Broken yelling.]

Why'd you have to come here, Flynn? Why'd you have to make me remember who I used to be!?

Edited 2017-10-28 09:24 (UTC)

[When he finally breaks through to Peter after so many years it comes as such a surprise Flynn finds himself utterly unprepared for it. He just stares, frozen, eyes wide and mouth open and there is something terribly young in his expression. He had forgotten what that's like, being completely in over your head and part of him wants to bolt from the room, to take it back, to take this entire day back.

Amidst all this he feels genuine joy, then guilt, because is he being selfish? Is it cruel to drag Peter back into the realm of humanity when it brings him so much pain, when he had found a way to shut out his feelings - is that the kinder alternative to a place like Norfinbury? You know you're not his keeper, right? Gabriel says to him and maybe he's right.

It doesn't matter if I kill you now Peter says and that's just wrong.

Flynn exhales a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. He hesitates, then pushes away from the wall, approaching slowly.]

Because I haven't given up on you. I'm not giving up on you.

Why haven't you given up on me?

[The question is half-muffled in a sleeve. He's thoroughly embarrassed, but it's too late now, far too late. He ought to kill Flynn for letting him go through this, for making him go through this, for seeing him this vulnerable. He was just a mortal after all...this realm of humanity stuff was beyond him, under him.

And yet there was still the human half of him desperately fighting under centuries of neglect, that begged him not to hurt Flynn, that told him that feeling something was better than feeling nothing at all, that yes, maybe it was all temporary, all the good things, the good times, but he was spoiling them worse now by acting as he did.]

Edited 2017-10-28 16:37 (UTC)

[Part of him would rather keep his distance still but Peter sniffling into his arm is just a little too much and stirs an empathy that overrides all reason. Taking another deep breath Flynn sits next to him, staring at the wall ahead.]

Honestly? I don't know. Because boy, do you make it difficult.

[He huffs out a small laugh, shaking his head.] But you're my friend.

[You're my friend.

Peter looks up in surprise and shock at that, wiping furiously at his eyes with his sleeve a second afterwards, before just staring again.

How could he be his friend after all of this? After he treated him, after he tried to beat him--to death even--after all their spats and arguments and pushing him away and insults. He couldn't understand, so he just stared. Star-Lord.exe has stopped running.

Finally, after probably what amounted to an awkward amount of time, he spoke, his voice still crackly and raw.]

Even after all that. Even after I was a professional asshole.

[Flynn shrugs.] Yeah. Even after all that.

[What's there to say?]

... To be fair, I did beat you with a crowbar.

[That gets a half-choked, bitter laugh, but hey, it's a laugh.]

Yeah, you did.

[He draws his good knee up to his chest, pretending to be more interested in a small tear in the material than anything else for a moment. He was overcome with the memories of his old friends and it was so vivid and real he could scarcely breathe.]

I thought I didn't have any left.

[A beat.]

I...can't keep losing everyone I care about. If I let myself care again...it hurts too much.

Edited 2017-10-29 01:30 (UTC)

And being the way you are now, pushing everyone away, being cruel... doesn't?

[He raises his head, looking over at Peter intently.]

Because I don't believe that.

[And that gets a pained look back, Peter's eyes flicking up to meet his. His brows furrowed.]

I don't know.

[Old memories of Ego proclaiming he wasn't alone because he had Peter flashed through his mind. His dad didn't see regular people as people, as worth anything, in a universe full of life he'd been just as lonely despite all the company he courted...maybe that's what made his mom so special to him. Peter knew he was on the fast track to being like him...and just as lonely.]

[Flynn's expression softens at the pain in Peter's eyes.]

I get that you're hurting but... isn't this place taking enough from us already?

[He rubs his shoulder.]

Yeah. It...

...I don’t know.

I miss how it used to be.

I miss thinking we still had a way out of here.

So start thinking it again. [He's still holding that gaze.]

I still do.

[You know, if that counts for anything.]

[He looks up at Flynn, all the pain and hurt breaking through the walls, the pain and hurt over the centuries showing in his deceptively youthful eyes.]

What if you're wrong? What if this is all there is, forever?

We have to try.

[It's killing him but he holds the gaze firmly.]

If we don't what else is left?

I've lived through what's left. For more than a thousand krutackin' years. It sucks.

[A tear falls messily and splashes off of his face.]

You could live with it. You know, instead of just living through it.

[His heart aches again and part of him wants to reach out and give him a hug but... Hugging isn't really a thing he does anymore.

Plus, he's not 100% sure if it won't prompt Peter to break his neck.]

It sucks for all of us. But we can try to make it suck a little less.

[It sounded so reasonable. The creaky walls around his heart that had been crumbling steadily all day, ever since he had the dream, had finally crumbled for good.

That dream.

Maybe he’d never see the Guardians again. Maybe he’d have to endure seeing his friends here die over and over again.

But they were here.

Could he allow himself to deal with the pain? He was already in pain, even though he tried to hide it, tried to not care. He’d ‘not cared’ for so long. Pretending, believing he was better than everyone. That they weren’t worth caring about.

Maybe it was time for something different.]

...it’s gonna suck. Caring again. But everything sucks anyway. What else is new?

[He rubs his face.]

As long as you’re still here.

If you finally die and don’t come back, Flynn, I...I don’t think I’ll be able to hold onto myself anymore.

[The scarce bit of humanity he’s beat out of him would shrivel up and die.]

Edited 2017-11-07 19:25 (UTC)

[It's... so much more than he ever expected from any possible outcome to this day. It's different from the brief joviality this morning, too, which had then been so utterly disappointed and shattered again by Peter's sudden network post.

He's still not willing to attempt the hug but Flynn does reach out to briefly put his hand on Peter's back.]

Well, I'm not planning on going anywhere. Unless it's home.

And then you better show me space.

It's...it's a deal.

[The sudden contact is surprising, but welcomed. It's been a long time since he's had a friend. Again. But a real friend...centuries had passed.]

Good.

[He smiles.]

Looking forward to it.

[Log] There is time to kill today [Closed]

Night

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