snowblindrpg | [log] Turn, Turn, Turn [closed]

[He huffs lightly in amusement.]

You could give Doctor Watson a run for his money there. That's...what we need here. That's most of what we need here, a lot of days.

{That gives Rhys a laugh. He doesn't see himself in Dr. Watson's league in any way, shape or form...RIP Rhys's self-esteem. But the comparison is still extremely flattering.]

Yeah. I think so, too. Just...sticking together. Not being alone.

[Being alone is hard. It makes it so much easier to just want to give up. Go out into the cold. Lay down in the snow and wait.]

And it's not always gonna be easy, considering some of the personalities we've got here. I'm pretty surprised at how little time I actually spend breaking up fistfights...

In some ways it helps that this place keeps us so divided. Can't get in a fistfight over the network.

[And theoretically he could just avoid the people he doesn't get along with, but so much for that.]

I'm glad it's not just me and him right now.

[He gives a small chuckle.]

yeah, distance is an excellent peacekeeper.

[He holds his hands up in a small 'I don't know' gesture.]

I think all of us are a little glad. It's a bizarre situation to deal with, and having to handle it alone wouldn't be easy.

The first time he and I talked alone, didn't go so great either. So you really aren't the only one, believe me.

[He sighs quietly, lines of weariness etching themselves around his eyes. He's around thirty but he looks older at that moment.]

There's...a lot there. And he's suddenly a kid who doesn't know how to deal with it. Even people who know what he's going through, he doesn't know how to deal with, because that's new to him, too.

At least he didn't throw out the Vicodin.

[Sigh.]

He kept asking my permission for things. I don't want to be in charge of him. Not like this. This isn't what I signed up for when I agreed to help him.

I get that. It's hard to understand why, it seems like you should just say it's okay, and it should be okay, right?

[He pauses. He's well aware that he's probably giving away more himself than he intends to, but this whole thing is so familiar in so many ways, it's painful.]

It's...training. No one here has ever expected him to behave that way, but someone else did. Adult House had years to develop a nice big streak of "fuck you!" to counter it. This House? It's still fresh in his mind. Still ingrained. He looks at us, and he sees authority figures that he's been told are going to fuck with him, are going to expect things from him, and it's all bullshit but it came from someone in his life that he's supposed to be able to trust.

[He sighs, realizing he's getting wound up, and dials it back, voice softening again.]

It's not easy. It's a lot of conditioning and it takes time to undo it. Doesn't happen overnight, just because you tell him it's okay. It takes a lot of "okays" over time, before it sinks in.

[Stephen's gaze sharpens on Rhys. It's possible the guy is speaking from experience working with whatever people he's helped on the streets who have been through this...but that's not quite the vibe Stephen's getting from him. He turns his eyes away, looking at his own hands.]

We can't fix this.

[It's a big admission to himself, if one that should have been obvious, and it's a painful one. Stephen has made two careers out of solving impossible problems, and the whole reason he's here, now, with this particular traveling group, is that he had wanted to make something right. Just one thing. Anything. And now he's realizing that there's no good way out of the role he's fallen into.]

Maybe you and Flynn, if he doesn't see you two as authority figures, maybe you can make things a little better for him. I just...I just need to know how to not make it any worse.

[Sometimes, Rhys is good at lying, but this isn't one of those times. When he talks about his own past and his own pain, it tends to show on his sleeve, in the lines around his eyes.

Funny thing about being an empath, maybe. That he spent so much time shielding himself from other people that he never really learned how to hide his own emotions well. And a part of him has never managed to get past that raw and vulnerable teenager waiting for the next wall of castigation and shame.]

I guess it's good there's a few of us here, then.

[There's a faint, ragged smile.]

It's mostly just...patience, like I said. Trying, even if you don't always get it, and being straight up honest and saying you don't know what to say or how to handle it.

Which I know is tricky because that's not the kinda thing you ever want to admit to House.

Failing that, just backing up a little. Giving it space and taking the gentle approach. Letting him come to you, leaving the door open and letting him know it's there, but not pushing. And being okay with the fact that he might not take it, and that's okay.

[Rhys holds his hands out in a half-shrug. But his voice is gentle, thoughtful.]

The fucked up thing is, this is a long-term project, and we have no idea how long we're going to have to deal with it. So yeah. Leaving it to Flynn and me...that's okay. That's something that's part of it, too: being willing to call in people who do know how to handle it, when you know you're out of your element. If you had a patient with something wrong with their kidneys, you'd call in a nephrologist. You wouldn't grab a book and start trying to figure it out on the table.

[At least, Rhys hopes he wouldn't.]

[These are all things that don't sound much like Stephen. Admitting that he doesn't know how to handle something is one of the hardest things of all, and stepping back, just letting things happen at their own pace? He's never been good at that. He's spent his life always focused on what will move him forward.

The analogy at least gets a ghost of a chuckle out of him, and in a way, hearing it put that way does help him. He nods slowly.]

I think I can do that. I don't have to make friends with him, just...give him the chance to come out of his shell on his own time.

[He's quiet a moment before his eyes meet Rhys's.]

Thank you.

[Rhys gives Stephen his best tired, but sincere smile.

He still doesn't know exactly what to make of the man. Though he's trying. And Rhys, at least, is very good at dealing with a life that's completely out of control.

Well, maybe not good, but at least, he's had time to learn to try and cope with it, to come up with ways to get his head around it. He can offer that, at least.]

No problem. I know, it sucks. Helplessness...that's always the worst. Just standing back. Just giving it time.

Common ground helps, and so does just...finding things to kill time. To take your mind off it. I wish I had a magic solution, believe me. But if I did, I'd be using it myself.

[Helplessness is all too familiar a feeling to Stephen. He hadn't coped well with it back then; though he doesn't think of it this way the fact that he's not throwing a tantrum in self pity or trying to force change on House shows how far he's come.]

Common ground's going to be a hard one.

[They've all got to grow up sometime, and Rhys would be the first to admit that it definitely doesn't happen all at once. He's been pretty good at it so far, but there's more than a few childish tantrums that have only been put off by fear of losing his friends' respect, he'd about it.]

Sometimes it's the smallest things, like putting sugar on your corn flakes or liking crossword puzzles. Even the tiniest thing might get you through. It can be a bitch to find, though. Especially in a place like this, where small things are hard to find.

Just being willing to look, though... That means a lot.

I guess. What'd you guys do to hit it off with him, anyway?

[Not that he needs to butt in on the same thing. That could easily backfire.]

Well, Flynn...I guess Flynn is just good with people. And archaeology. Mutual interests, there.

For me, it was a little trickier. He didn't trust me at first, either. But we...

[He looks toward the wall, with a frown.]

I had a hard time with my old man, too. So I understood what he was going through. Once he actually got that, it got better.

[His tail lashes behind him, the spaded tip flicking.]

Plus, I'm a guy with a tail. A tail that needed a cozy. So, you know. Kids love tails, I guess?

...Ah.

[So nothing to which Stephen can relate, in other words.]

I guess. I thought kids liked magic, too, but then I had to go and explain how it worked.

[House had seemed really interested. There had just been that whole...thing about souls, though.]

It's hard. It really is. I mean, I'm thirty-three, my whole life I've been doing this. Dealing with people who've gotten the shit beaten out of them.

It's an instinct you learn, over time. Or your don't, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it comes from stepping back, observing, and letting people tell you what they need.

And everyone's got their strong points when it comes to things, you know?

Mmm.

[Stephen's got enough self awareness to realize how little that sounds like him -- stepping back, letting someone else set the pace. He's always slotted himself into the role of am expert, even when he was the student.]

If we were back home, if any of this were normal, I'd be calling CPS. That's...probably about the extent of what I've got up my sleeve for this.

That's... Not a bad instinct, honestly. I mean, that's what I mean, about being willing to pass it off to someone else, when you can't handle it.

Or you improvise, but that... That is always going to suck. It never stops feeling like sliding down a slipped with nothing to grab.

[Just because Rhys is good at making shit up as he goes along, that doesn't mean that he doesn't lose a couple years off his life every time...]

It's all got its good points and bad. I wish I had your kind of education, man. You have no idea. But instead, I learned early how to make it up as I go along. That's got its stands, too... They're just different ways of playing the game.

Benefits of specialization....

[His smile is weak. But it does come back to that point. He's always seen himself as a creative problem-solver, but then he's always selected which kinds of problems are his to solve. This was just never one of them.]

Pretty much, yeah.

[He's only got so many ways to make Stephen feel better, and Rhys is not really one for artificial ego-stroking. But he's honest, there's always that. He won't flatter, but he won't bullshit, either.]

It beats the alternative, though. You figure out how to get by, or...you don't.

Now that sounds familiar.

[He lets his head rest back against the wall.]

Thanks. You didn't have to do this.

Hey. As much shit as I've been through...at least I can make it mean something. That's important, that's worthwhile.

[He smiles wearily, dark eyes reflecting something older than the lines of his face.]

Feel free to hit me up anytime. I don't always get it right, but most of the time I'm at least willing to try.

[He lets his eyes shut, gives a tiny nod.]

That's at least half of what it takes anyway.

[Who knows what the other half is, though.]

I'm gonna try and get some rest, I guess. I think everything will be a little better after a night's sleep, anyway, but if not, well. It's a work in progress, believe me.

[He gives a long stretch, shoulder and back cracking. The nights of constant movement are tough on everyone, no matter how good shape they're generally in.]

[Stephen's still working on that himself.]

Same. Check in on him for me?

[log] Turn, Turn, Turn [closed]

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cw: suicidal ideation.

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think we can wrap soon

Agreed!

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/end