[log] Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary [closed]

[jumpthegun]

Characters: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes, Mycroft Holmes, Royce Melborn, Alfie Solomons
Location: Building 29
Date: Night 281
Summary: Team meet-up turns to grieving when Mary is lost to an anomaly.
Warnings: Character death, dissociation, hallucination

[A small shed outside the school, going inside reveals sports equipment is being stored in here. There are hurdles, various sports balls, giant mats, and the like. There's nothing that could be used as a weapon, though, unless you're going to try to hurl a basketball at someone's head. This is the only place on the campus it's possible to stay in overnight.]

Comments

[jumpthegun]

You don't need to. [He does glance over at Royce for a moment.]

[bywolves]

I want to. [ Royce murmurs. ] If you don't want me here, I'll move.

[jumpthegun]

No, it's... fine. [As fine as it can be.] Sorry. We'll leave ahead of you tomorrow.

[bywolves]

Don't apologize. [ Firmly said. ] We're heading into the school, I think. You're going opposite. It works.

[jumpthegun]

Yeah. [He's not sure what to say.] Is your death price still in effect? If it is, might want to stay away from Sherlock. He'll not be in a good way. Might take it out on you.

[bywolves]

Yes.

[ Royce pauses, uncomfortable with the idea of Sherlock trying to take it out on him. He's not sure what he'd do. Can't hurt him. Can't really snap back. He doesn't have the energy, either. ]

Not like I can stop him if he tries.

cw: drug abuse/addiction

[jumpthegun]

No. I'm watching to make sure he doesn't go after any drugs, either. If he looks like he's taking pills, can you let me know?

[bywolves]

Mm. [ He can't see as well as he used to, but he can still see pretty well. ] I will.

[ A beat. ] John.

[jumpthegun]

[John can't help sighing.]

What?

[bywolves]

I just want you to know I know how it feels. [ That's all. He pulls his knees to his chest a little more tightly. ]

[jumpthegun]

[John draws in a sharp breath and has to blink hard a few times. It's a little ridiculous that that comment would elicit such a visceral reaction in him, but here it is. He doesn't want to cry, not here. There's no point to it. There are too many people. Sherlock's seen him cry. Alfie's seen him in abject misery. Mycroft... well, all right, Mycroft's seen him in furious sorrow, but not actively crying.]

I know.

[His voice is tight.]

I knew it'd happen twice, at least, losing her. I just... I was hoping it'd only be at the end. [Because Mary isn't alive back home, and as much as he wants to keep her, she isn't the one in his universe.]

[bywolves]

[ Royce would never, ever judge him for crying about something like this. Not when he can practically feel the pain in John's voice. ]

Knowing that it's going to happen doesn't make it hurt less. [ Royce mumbles. ] And it does. Hurt. And it feels worse to hide it.

[jumpthegun]

['Would it be so bad to let it out?' Sholto asks. 'You're not like me, John. That's for the best.'

He won't cry. John steels himself and just locks down on the emotion, expression and tone flattening as the sense of being half out of his own body grows.]

Mmm... there's a time to deal with it. Not now. Need to make progress for if she comes back.

[bywolves]

You're not ever going to deal with it. [ Royce sighs. ]

[jumpthegun]

How do you 'deal' with it?

[bywolves]

Talk to people about it. Feel it. Don't pretend like there's a better time to grieve. [ A beat. ] Might not help. Or it might. I don't think it'll ever fade for me, but it isn't crushing, at least.

And I can't lie right now, so at least you know I'm being honest.

[jumpthegun]

I don't particularly want to feel this right now. Sherlock's... he still needs me. [And John's not entirely sure he'll be able to stop the slow spiral into self-loathing and full-on depression if he starts grieving now.]

[bywolves]

What, you think anybody wants to feel it? [ Royce turns his head to look at John, resting the side of it against his knees. ] You're being unnecessarily self-sacrificing to cover up the fact that you don't like being upset in front of people.

Nobody here is going to look down on you for being upset because your wife is dead, Watson. Especially not me.

[jumpthegun]

I know you're not looking down. [The snap is mild compared to what Alfie got or will get. It's feeling weak and helpless and useless. If he's focusing on something else, he can pretend there's some control he has, some... way to take charge and fix things. Maybe not the things that are really broken, but he can fix something.]

I've been here before. It didn't end well.

['When you pulled away from everyone,' Sholto points out mildly.]

I'm not going to grieve for someone who might come back. I can't-- [The words catch in his throat again. John has to shove down the welling emotion once more.] I can't do it again. I can't keep doing it here.

[bywolves]

[ The thing is, Royce understands the emotion. He's been so far down in the MN poisoning rabbit hole of depression that feeling weak and helpless and useless is a common thing. Really, Royce is a hypocrite, giving advice that he won't take himself.

But John is much more important to the people here. And Royce thinks it's important that John knows he has support, and that he isn't burning himself out. That does nobody any favors. ]

It's harder when death isn't permanent. [ Royce agrees. ] You don't have to grieve. Don't have to stay silent, though. You've got people practically tripping over their own feet in an attempt to help you through it, Watson. I'm trying to help, and I can count on one hand the number of people I would do that for.

[ Over-honesty kind of sucks. And then, tired and almost exasperated: ] If I deserve help, you do as well, so don't give me that, either.

[jumpthegun]

Did you murder a little boy and a helpless woman in cold blood?

[The words are quiet, but sharp. John wants to take them back as soon as they're out and grimaces.

Sholto doesn't say anything, just stares at him in silent judgement.]

It doesn't... I know it's my head mucking me up, but it doesn't feel like I deserve it right now.

[This is punishment.]

[bywolves]

[ Royce watches John for a long moment. ]

You won't like to hear it, but yes. I have. In the past. [ He's an assassin, dude, that was his thing. ] Didn't we just have this conversation?

Are you a good man and working towards being one? The answer to this is yes, because no makes you a liar. What makes you different from me or Sherlock?

[jumpthegun]

[Some assassins have standards, Royce!]

Nothing. [He scrubs a hand over his face.] I know. I'm not-- Look, I gave the same damn speech to Alphonse. You're not special, stop acting like you are, you're no better than anyone else. I just...

I was the only one that time.

[bywolves]

And you're one of the only ones who doesn't have MN poisoning. Maybe your nanomachines are weaker against mind control than the other side effects.

Who knows. Stop beating yourself up over it, it does nobody any good. You know Luna and Quark aren't going to hold it against you, and you know they're both going to feel guilty because you're guilty.

[ He wraps his arms around his knees, shivering. ] It's all stupid.

[jumpthegun]

Yeah. It is. [A pause as he looks up at Sholto. He knows it is, and yet... a part of him can't let it go. What right did he have to ever let go of this guilt? For Mary--twice now it should have been him instead of her--for Luna and Quark, for Ecks, for so many other people he's let down.] Doesn't mean I know how to shut it off.

I'm gonna check the network.

[And avoid them frustrating each other too much by continuing this conversation.]