snowblindrpg | [log] Grass is probably green, sky is probably blue [closed]

Entry tags:

[log] Grass is probably green, sky is probably blue [closed]

Characters: Stephanie Brown, Alphonse Elric and Gabriel Gray
Location: Skywalk 287
Date: Night 265
Summary: A reunion
Warnings: TBA

Steph doesn't reach the skywalk again until scant moments before lockdown, but the boys have had the whole day to recover from their godawful experience. She assumes this is enough time for them to regain at least some desire for affection.

If not, they're out of luck, because the first thing Steph does after dropping all her belongings by the door is throw herself at first one, then the other. Hopefully nobody will comment if she's crying a little.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She raises her shoulders defensively, but with his huge hands on them it looks more like she retracts her neck.

"Do you really think any of that matters when it's the middle of the night and there's no one there to tell you different?"

"Yeah, I think it matters, because now you won't be alone. Even if I'm not there in person, you'll hear my voice in your head yelling at you."

He intimately knows what that's like. He knows what it is to be in a hopeless situation and be pulled out of it by the echo of someone else's voice, or someone else's determination.

"That's not good enough, Al. You're not the only voice in my head. I can't do this alone. I'm okay when I have a concrete goal, but beyond that..." She shakes her head and averts her eyes.

"I don't know. I just... I can't keep fighting if you're not fighting too."

"That's not fair!"

His voice is shaking, he doesn't want to have someone else's life on his shoulders right now when he's failed so many times, when he's terrified of failing again.

"You can't say something like that, you can't pass the responsibility for your fight onto someone else!"

"I'm not interested in what's fair right now," she shoots back, keeping her voice low. She doesn't want to drag Sylar into this.

"I'm interested in keeping both of us alive. That's as much 'fight' as I can handle right now." Even if it means playing dirty.

That isn't playing dirty, that's outright emotional abuse, demanding someone else take responsibility for her not committing suicide. Al is appalled, but at least being appalled is keeping him from sinking back down into his own depression.

"You can't say something like that, Steph. You can't put the responsibility of your life on my shoulders completely, you have to fight for yourself. I can protect you, and I can help you, but I can't fight for you."

"I'm not," she protests, but in trying to form an explanation for what she is doing she realizes he's right. She deflates.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I kinda know what's wrong with me, I just..." She shrugs helplessly.

"I know."

He knows that they're all messed up at the moment and that it's hard, but they're all in the same boat.

"You have to find a way to fight for yourself, I'm sorry."

She keeps her eyes on the ground as she explains, ashamed.

"I'm okay, I think, really. I just... don't trust myself. It's only when I'm alone that I get really scared." She chews the inside of her lip, feeling tears prick at her eyes. She hates this. She hates feeling so vulnerable, even with Al.

"Just... please don't leave? I don't want to lose you again."

"Then you have to find a way to trust yourself, you have to find that reason inside you why you keep fighting. It doesn't matter if it's something dumb, like wanting to eat a burger again, or something big like protecting your friends. But you have to find it, nobody else can do that for you, otherwise you'll never find a way to climb out of this."

Al slumps a bit, metal clanking as he sinks to her level and places a hand on her shoulder.

"That doesn't mean people won't be there for you, but we have our own paths to walk as well, we can't be responsible for never leaving you alone."

She turns her head away, refusing to let the tears fall.

"Is it okay if I just... just rely on you guys, just for tonight? I'll do better tomorrow. I'll be better." She chews her lip, wanting so badly for it to be true. Sleep will definitely do her good, but so will feeling safe, just for a few hours.

"I was so..." The tears fall anyway, and she looks at the ground again. She really does feel like she's not in control of herself, like her body and mind are working on their own and she's left just watching from the sidelines.

"I woke up and you guys were gone, and I thought I was losing my mind. I thought, maybe we were never here in the first place. I've never been so scared in my life, not even when my dad pulled a gun on me."

Al pulls her into a proper hug finally, enveloping her in huge metal arms that probably aren't all that comforting given how cold and pointy they are, but the feeling of warmth is behind the gesture at least.

"You can rely on me always, I-- I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I know that I will. Just because I can't see the light now, it doesn't mean that it's not there, I just have to look harder."

He feels beaten down and he wants to run, he still might, but he knows himself well enough to know that he can never properly give up.

"I'd be scared if you were gone too, but I'd trust that you could take care of yourself and get back to me someday."

She presses her face into his cold metal chest, crying properly now. She can read between the lines. She knows he may still leave. But at least he won't be leaving tonight. She nods.

"I do. I do trust you. It's just this place I don't trust." And if he died and she wasn't there, she'd hate the time lost between them.

"Then you have to find a way to trust me and your other friends more than you don't trust this place, we're strong."

He doesn't feel very strong at the moment, he feels like he might shatter, but it's the best he can offer her.

"I'll find a way. You're the strongest person I know." She keeps her face down, but it's clear from her voice that she's still crying.

"Time, right? It just takes time."

"No, it takes more than time. It takes effort and pain and fighting, but every day makes that fight a bit easier."

He rests his hand on her head, gentle and comforting.

"Get some sleep."

She nods, and pulls away enough to start wiping at her tears.

"You should too."

He just hums an agreement and stands up, stepping away tactfully to let her gather herself together and get ready for bed. Maybe they'll both be okay in the future, he can hope so at least.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[log] Grass is probably green, sky is probably blue [closed]

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

cw: suicide talk

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject