snowblindrpg | [network] @ASolomons; audio, morning of 265 [open]

[It takes Davesprite a long time to come around and say anything to Kid. He wants to, he knows he owes him, but it's even worse than the time Jade was brainwashed into killing him. That, at least, was over quick and easily. But he knew it wasn't her fault, and it only takes going through Kid's conversations—even if he has to switch the settings to make his tablet transcribe his speech to text—to emphasize just how badly he regrets the actions he did. Still, it's hard to hear him at all; it's why he doesn't listen to them the normal way.]

[His message comes around late afternoon, still a couple hours before lockdown.]

hey so
no easy way to put this
i cant pretend im ok about all what happened but i dont hate you for it
i cant when youre this torn up about it
you didnt do it by choice
that counts for a lot

[Kid replies carefully. Slowly. There's a delay, the teen carefully choosing his words.]

Please let me apologize. It can't undo what happened but you deserve that. At least. I don't have anything else to offer.

[He looks it over, mulling. It's not a bad response, and while a part of him would like to say there's no need, he doesn't really feel that way. Not if he's honest with himself.]

ill hear it
or read it
whichever
im not going to make you grovel for forgiveness or anything like that but if you want to say it im not going to say no

I planned to wait until I had my thoughts more together, but there's really no reason and I doubt they will ever be completely clear regardless.

[There is a pause, Kid thoughtfully considering what he wants to say. It takes him several minutes, just long enough that Davesprite could consider that he's gone off.]

It is my duty as the next grim reaper to protect life and not destroy it, which is precisely what I did to you. Apologizing presumes one will ask for forgiveness and I wouldn't dare to. I can't even promise it won't happen again, because we continue to be here, and this brainwashing has happened before.

But I am sorry for what I did to you. More sorry than I know how to say. Regardless of the role of the nanomachines, it was my hands that hurt you. I remember everything that happened. Everything that I said and did. I remember when you told me I was brainwashed, and I asked why you'd say that. Every single second is clear in my mind.

I am so sorry, Davesprite.

[There's a funny thing about being apologized to like this. Acknowledging bad actions and the harm done makes perfect sense as part of it, but what Davesprite didn't expect was how it lays all his vulnerabilities bare. Kid tells him he destroyed life, tells him he remembers it all in fine, terrible detail, and in the end can't even promise against a repeat. And he knows why at the last—there's no telling what Norfinbury will do to them, when terrible things have happened before and they only seem to get worse—but it tears at him just the same.]

[Everyone who watched the surgery videos saw how low he was brought, and even his own torturer hasn't erased one second of it from his mind.]

[He can't answer. He can't. Can he? He feels like he should, but how can he get past the weight of this? He's not supposed to be weak, especially not in any way other people can see. He put on a stoic face even bloodied and wounded after Bro's death, and it worked out fine, and he went back to normal once everything was healed. But he's been tortured now. What's he supposed to do with that? People in the cells saw him after, all the converts must have known for the messages to even happen, and anyone outside the building could have watched him screaming and struggling uselessly against what was done to him.]

[And a part of him knows it's messed up to even think that way, that he should be more concerned over being tortured itself than being seen, but it keeps weighing on his mind. It has again and again, each time he's been made to confront it. He can't even tell Kid he wishes he could erase from his mind; it would be an admission of the whole problem.]

[It takes a long, long time, an hour or more, before things coalesce into a sentiment he can say.]

im not even mad at you

[He's mad at himself.]

[Kid wants anger. Anger he would understand. Anger he could handle. Kid is angry at himself, disgusted with himself, revolted by his own behavior. The grim reaper should do no more than help the humans whom he serves. He should not interfere. And yet he had nearly killed two people and could have early hurt more. It would have been better had his death in the morgue had left him dead. He was surely responsible for the death of so many--for Stein, for Claire, for Undertaker, for Marie. Anyone who traveled with him was doomed to an untimely death. He can't do this anymore.

His chest tightens, and he can barely breathe for the guilt. Behind the tablet screen, safe from prying eyes, he cries, hiding his face in his hands. How can Davesprite be so forgiving, when Kid can't even forgive himself?

It takes him ages to reply, a solid hour and a half, long enough that Davesprite is free to think Kid has gone off.]

I don't understand. [What can he say? What does he do? Apathetic, he had considered not replying at all.]

It is not my place to ask you to explain yourself. I've said too much already.

I am sorry. I am so sorry, Davesprite.

Edited (Changed me mind some... then formatting ) 2017-08-14 19:42 (UTC)

[Davesprite doesn't begrudge him the wait. It's a difficult subject to say the absolute least, and he took enough in getting back that it's only fair to leave him the time he needs. Perhaps not in the kind of compassion he would lend a friend, but in a selfish way it lends him another break, too. He doesn't like talking about it. Thinking about it is unavoidable; that little, condensed self-realization sits there perfectly uncomfortable for a good portion of the wait.]

[He's not even surprised at the answer he does eventually get.]

ok
i didnt expect you to
and i dont really want to explain anyway

[But he's not really done speaking, either. His thoughts gnaw at themselves.]

but i guess
i do want to say
that this doesnt mean i like or trust you
i want to keep my distance
because seeing your or hearing your voice would just put me back in that place
so ill take the apology for

[God, there he goes again. For being fucked up by it? He is, but that's the part he hates, even as much as he's been glad earlier that he's not the only one. And that's the frustrating part: too often it feels like his thoughts can't just settle down and pick one way to feel.]

for stuff
whatever
im dealing with it my own way

[How can I help? doesn't get spoken. He could help by ceasing to exist, by not encroaching upon the freshly-scarred wounds on Davesprite's fragile self--and the only way he is able to truly do this would be to no longer be.

He is not unwilling to oblige, however...]

If there is anything else I am able to do, please let me know. Otherwise, I will do everything in my power to leave you be.

I am so, so sorry.

for now
honestly
just give me space
if something comes up later when shit is more behind us ill point you at it
promise

[He doesn't want it to be bad forever, despite everything standing in its way. It's just too raw here and now.]

You have my word that I will do whatever I can.

[A part of him wants to say thanks, but it just feels too uncomfortable after everything that's happened.]

yeah
ill talk to you sometime later i guess
just dont beat yourself up about things in the meanwhile
ive just gotta deal with my side of it too

[network] @ASolomons; audio, morning of 265 [open]

@featherydouche; text; private

@kid; text; private

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private

private (cw: past death of a family member, pretty unhealthy attitude towards himself)

private (cw: suicidal ideation/depression)

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private (cw: suicidal ideation/depression)

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