snowblindrpg | [network] @featherydouche; postmortem; day 181 [open]

[network] @featherydouche; postmortem; day 181 [open]

so who else died last night
excuse me
"died"
because when i woke up i sure didnt look it
not even a scratch
right back where i started before everything went weird too
same with the people i was with from what i could tell before i left

also you people with the prophet eyes
do you still want to murder us or what

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its this place messing with us
dunno why or what prompted this specifically but the rest is just more of the same
are your eyes still weird

yeah they are

[But all desire to hurt anyone is gone. Still, his eyes are still freaking him out.]

i can deal with some of the shit that's been thrown at us, but this? this is bullshit. i don't want to kill my friends.

i dont think most people would
no one ive talked to seems to be throwing a party over it
bullshit seems par for the course here

so...you're not pissed off?

[Because Zach is incredibly angry at himself.]

[He makes an aggravated noise and swaps to private.]

zach i got murdered and like three other people tried before it happened
i traveled all the way over to the split tunnels and part of the way back and none of it meant anything because i couldnt open doors or change things or even let my guard down enough to really try
i have to live knowing how it feels for my friend to literally gut me
how do you think i feel

i...don't know? i just mean, you don't seem angry at us, even though we're the ones that hunted you all night

i'm sorry

i dont

[A long post.]

i dont know how to be angry at you for it
it wasnt your own minds
its this place fucking us over like it always does
like its done to people before i even showed up
like it will to anyone else who comes here

[The panic attack Zach is still attempting to fight off reminds him way too much of being at home, feeling like a failure of a human being, like the rest of the world would be better off without him around. His lungs feel like they're on fire, full of smoke. He can't breathe.]

thanks
for not being angry

it wouldnt solve or change anything if i was
youre not what made this happen to us
if you were the joker or someone like that i could be mad because they might enjoy it
but youre not

it's a shitty time for everyone
so i'll just take this as a good thing

yep
pretty much
sucks to be all of us
just stay safe out there zach
try not to be too hard on yourself

[It's funny, how Davesprite says that, when Zach thinks - ]

i'm pretty sure i'm always too easy on myself
at least that's what i've always been told

zach
unless you make a habit of going around hurting people i think this is different from
uh
i dont know what your life was before
but whats the point of being a dick to yourself over getting brainwashed about wanting to kill sinners
you didnt choose that
nobody did

no i know i didn't
i didn't chose much of what i had to do back home either
still was judged for it

[Still was beaten up for it, too. But that's not something he's willing to share.]

doesn't matter
i get your point but i'm still going to feel guilty

sometimes people are just assholes zach
but i guess if youre set on it theres only so much i can do

[Problem is, Davesprite, it was drilled into Zach that he is the asshole.]

it's gotta get better over time
got to

[Maybe if he runs and hides.]

thats what were trying for

[He doesn't feel very optimistic, though.]

do you want to go home?

[It's possible it'll sound like a stupid question to Davesprite. But up until today, Zach was pretty set and going back with Steph - wherever that is - if it was possible. Going home didn't seem like much of a fun outcome for him anyway.

Now, everything is up in the air.]

i want the option to be there

[It's not really a proper answer, but that's on purpose.]

that's...yeah. that's fair. i want anyone who wants to go home to be able to.

exactly
whatever happens sticking where we are isnt going to hold out long term

honestly, i'm not much into the idea to go home if i can avoid it but i'd rather be there than here

are there problems with the place youre from
or is it just because of steph
you dont have to answer if you dont want to though so i wont pry if you tell me to can it

[It is something he's wondered about, how a relationship with someone would work here or what would happen to it if they do make it out. But it was never his place to ask, nor particularly relevant to his own life. Now, though... Zach bringing it up makes a good prompt. But even beyond that, he has to wonder. His own thoughts about going back are complicated and conflicted.]

yea, there are problems
basically i stay here, i die, right? but if i go home, i'm pretty certain i'm gonna die too

[There is not way he is being sent into space to fight aliens and making it back.]

it's not just because of steph but she makes me want to go home even less, not gonna lie

yeah i
i might die
i dunno
theres timeline stuff and its complicated

[Story of his life, right there.]

what i mean is i get what youre saying

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