[network] @zachtastic; day 154; end of the tunnel [filtered to Kesara and Steph] [cw: death talk]

[majorlazer]

[It wasn't even waking up in a bag with a sharp, loud intake of breath that reverberated in his ears. It wasn't even that, when he finally managed to stumble out of the body bag, he fell right off the table and to the floor. It wasn't even that he couldn't find his backpack, that there was nothing lying around as he fumbled, sweat beading on his brow as panic increased.

No. It wasn't any of that. It wasn't the memories of his dying again - he clawed a little at his chest, but here it is all was, his organs inside his body and his skin intact, no concrete anywhere. It wasn't the cold, the strange feeling making him woozy, the sound of the wind whipping inside the building from cracks in the walls.

It was the darkness.

Complete, intense pitch-black darkness. Zach brought his hand up, trying to see his fingers, and he couldn't, he couldn't. He rubbed at his eyes, pressing his fingers to them, just to make sure - they were still there, still inside his skull, just. Not working.

Panic seized up his muscles, making him forcefully sit down again, fingers closing and opening over his knees as he rocked back and forth, trying to see, trying to see anything.

Nothing.

He stayed like that for a while. For a long time, he sat and searched and came up empty, and tried to stop the rise of bile up his throat, swallowing repeatedly against the nausea. He doesn't know how long he was out of it, how long he just sat there and tried to see, until his mind allowed another thought through the panic and despair.

Shit, shit shit shit, is Steph okay, is Kesara okay, did they find each other, shit. At least, Zach still has his tablet, and he feels his fingers shake as he holds it, taking some time to figure out the voice commands before being able to send a filtered message, private to both Steph and Kesara.]

[private; audio]

Are you - are you okay? I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know where I am, I can't - [His voice breaks, trembles, the words coming out jagged, feeling like shards of glass slashing at his mouth.]

I can't see.

Comments

[majorlazer]

Yeah. Since that first time, too.

[He closes his eyes again. Somehow it feels even darker that way.]

But I knew - it didn't feel like you'd be interested. But then you came back, and you were different, just...happier, maybe? More settled. And apparently, super into me.

[He grins.]

[spoileralert]

[ She shrugs helplessly. ]

More settled, yeah. And totally in to you. Completely.

[majorlazer]

[His heart skips a beat.]

Funnily enough, talking about sex was easier. Didn't feel like there was that much distance between us. Now, though... [He grimaces.] Right now it's really hard not to have you here. We shouldn't be having this conversation over the network.

[spoileralert]

Then we'll talk about sex. We can finish this talk in person.

[majorlazer]

Should I get comfortable? You gonna give me an awkward boner?

[spoileralert]

Is it awkward if nobody else is around?

[majorlazer]

I guess I could take care of it.

[He pauses.]

Wait. You gonna want to watch?

[Because holy shit how unfair would that be. He could - he could listen to her, maybe, but it's not - it won't be - ah, damnit. He was doing so well.]

[spoileralert]

Yeah. [ She chuckles, then stops. Right. Blind. So he can't... see her, watching him. She hums thoughtfully. ]

[majorlazer]

Hey, if I've got to have an audience, would rather it be you than anybody else.

[spoileralert]

[ Somehow that's not as reassuring as one might hope. ]

We... can do whatever you want, Zach. I mean, we always can, but especially now. I owe you, you know. You probably saved my life.

[majorlazer]

[He didn't even think of it that way. It felt like the only thing to do. Suddenly, he's thinking of Adam and how he sacrificed himself to give them time, back then. It wasn't - Zach wasn't sure it was comparable.]

You don't owe me anything. I mean, you're more than allowed to show me your gratitude if you feel like it [he smirks,], but you don't owe me.

[spoileralert]

[ She chuckles. ]

Okay, then let me show you my gratitude. What do you want?

[majorlazer]

[He groans, tilting his head back against the wall again. he wants things he can't have right now; her hands in his hair, her lips against his collarbone, her legs tangled with his.]

Are we talking sexy things, here? If yes, I want to know what you want to do when we meet back up.

[spoileralert]

[ She smiles. It's hard, being apart, him being blind, but they'll get through it. ]

If you're going to be with my friends, first thing we'll need to find a room to ourselves and barricade the door, and not come out again for like, a day. Then we should visit the hot shower house, and bang until we can barely move, then take a nice shower together and curl up in all our blankets until our clothes are dry.

Basically, I want to have lots and lots and lots of sex.

[majorlazer]

[Zach drops a hand over his face, biting his lip at the thought of having banged so much they can't move anymore. It's - oh, man, it's good.

Still, he grins.]

Damn, I knew you only wanted me for my body. I thought we were going to like, read poetry and talk about our feelings - [actually, they're probably totally going to do that -] and braid each other's hair.

[He's joking around, but he feels it - he honestly craves touching her already, feeling starved for it, when they've only been away from each other for a day.]

[spoileralert]

We can totally braid each other's hair. I'll have to tie yours with paper clips, though.

[majorlazer]

I'd look so pretty, especially if the paper clips are rainbow colored.

[He chuckles, lets it die out, and swallows. His fingers are stroking the side of the tablet, wishing he could touch her hand.]

You know, the girls back home...they always said we were pervy, we thought about sex so much, and they didn't. I guess it depends on the girl, huh?

[spoileralert]

Nah, they're just full of it. Girls are supposed to be that way, you know? If we want sex it means we're sluts, and if we don't it means we're prudes. Everything is about your image. I hate that. Screw image. I can wear pretty dresses and ride my skateboard and data-mine video games, and if people don't like it I can break into their Facebook and change all their passwords. I like what I like, and I refuse to be ashamed of that.

[majorlazer]

[Seriously, Zach has the best taste in girls. Steph is - she's so amazing, unashamed and brilliant and strong and beautiful, all at once.]

Not gonna lie, I wonder what you see in me. And I'm not saying that to put myself down, but you're just...wow.

[The words come out slowly. He's awed and appreciative and he feels completely out of his depth, in the best way. She could challenge all of his thoughts and make him rethink entirely who he is if she decided to do so.]

[spoileralert]

[ That makes her blush, actually. ]

Really? I mean, most people think I'm weird. I don't really have a lot of friends back home.

[majorlazer]

Neither do I. People don't think I'm weird, they just think I'm an asshole, and I'm fine with that.

[spoileralert]

Why would you want people to think you're an asshole?

[majorlazer]

Because...well, to be honest, I am one. I'm not - nice. And the less people try to know me, the less I have to worry about hurting anyone.

[He's trying to be better. He's trying not to be an ass to her, to Kesara, to the people that matter to him, here.]

If people don't want to know me, they don't have to realize I've got nothing to offer them. [His voice is small, hurt. He wanted to be more than what he ended up being, saving the world excluded. He didn't do it by choice, it doesn't count. But admitting this sucks.]

Which is why I meant it when I said - I don't really know what you see in me.

[spoileralert]

[ It breaks her heart to hear him talk like this, but she gets it. She's been there, more often than she'd care to admit. She's quiet for a moment, putting together what she wants to say. ]

Zach, the first time we met I was the cool kid. I found Handsome Jack, I beat the crap out of him, and I brought him in. And that was great. And then, like, ten minutes later all this stuff comes out on the network. I messed up.

It wasn't just the fight with Angel. I tried to do the right thing, stealing House's pills from them, and I failed. And I got hurt, and I was so scared. I didn't understand what had happened, and I was terrified that the other shoe was going to drop, and if I talked to anyone about it I'd just make things worse and open myself up to even more hurt.

So here's this cute guy, one of the few people here my age, someone I might actually have a chance with, and I fall completely to pieces right in front of him. I felt so alone, and vulnerable, and guilty. Most people, they would have left me alone, pretended nothing happened. Everyone else did. But not you.

An asshole wouldn't have sat with me, offered to take my side when he didn't even know me. An asshole wouldn't have beat themselves up over what happened underground. An asshole wouldn't want to help someone they weren't even sure wanted help.

[majorlazer]

[He remembers - he remembers so well. He's still surprised that she does, too, so easily, filling holes Zach didn't know he had in the story. He's not sure any of this makes him a good guy, but he'll be one for her.]

You looked lonely. You looked lost. I couldn't - couldn't understand why there was so much fighting, I'd just landed here, but I sure didn't like the dogpiling. You looked like you needed someone on your side, even if I definitely wasn't sure if you wanted me there. [He lets out a soft chuckle, then a loud sniffle, brushing the back of his hand under his nose.]

You made me care for you in 2 seconds flat. I don't...I don't, usually. I try not to. But I couldn't help it, with you. You made it so easy.

[In extremely different ways, both she and Kesara managed it.]