Clayton Epps (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dr_unconscious) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
snowblindrpg2016-05-02 09:01 am
dr_unconscious) wrote in snowblindrpg2016-05-02 09:01 am
[network] morning 113 - text - @claytonator; DAMAGE CONTROL [open]
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately--seems like I haven't been giving myself the chance to do enough of it. Realized I owe some apologies. I would send most of these out privately, but I also realize that one of the issues I've been giving people is lack of accountability, so. I want to put these out where everyone can make sure I'm doing this right. Trade one public spectacle for another, I guess.
To House: There's no excuse for the suffering you went through because of me. I should've sent your pills back as soon as they arrived. My own paranoia of using Admin's medical assistance clouded my judgement in a way that wasn't fair to you or Rhys and made a joke of my profession. I'm glad you're healed now, and I'll trust you to make good progress with the rest. You don't have to worry about me taking them again.
To Beckett: Maybe you really are selfish, but I can't blame you for lashing out at me like you have when I've been so absolutely stifling to you. A lot of things are different for you from at home--there's a lot for you to figure out about yourself, and your natural curiosity lends you to explore it as much as you can. It's wrong of me to try and smother that out of you and berate you for trying things for yourself. You're smart enough to work all that out on your own. I'm still here to help, if you need me.
To Angel: People trust you for a reason and it was pretty dumb of me to question why. I don't think you would ever tell people to harm themselves for any reason. I have no idea what possessed me to imply that you would. Frustration, panic, lack of self-worth, I guess...none of that's excusable for my behavior and I feel awful for having ever doubted you. You're bright and compassionate and a much better leader for these people than I could ever be. You're capable of making your own decisions and I ought to respect that. I haven't been. I'm sorry.
To Rhys: I really haven't given you the credit and care that you deserve. What you did last week was very brave. I know you knew this wasn't going to end well, but you did it for the sake of the town; I should be commending you for standing up for everyone, not blaming you for hurting yourself. It was noble. I'm sorry for doubting you, and I hope you feel well enough to see your sacrifice pan out.
To Jade and Brian: The town as my witness, I promise to never meddle in either of your affairs unless you explicitly ask me to, here and after we leave. I know just apologizing isn't enough, so the least I can do is stay out of both of your lives so you two can survive with some ounce of peace.
To Steph, if you ever get to see this: I should have supported you more. I'm so sorry.
And to Norfinbury: Claiming that any of you can't make decisions for yourselves was downright insulting of me. We need to get out of here. I would prefer if we could do it peacefully, and I know I'm not capable of going through with anything quite so drastic as what happened recently, but...I can't keep holding onto that view, and I sure as hell can't force it on everyone else. My job isn't to stop people from putting themselves in harm's way, or even to decide what is and is not ultimately harmful for them; my job is to support those that are hurt, no matter what they've done, and make sure they survive whatever they've been through so they can enjoy living again. I lost sight of that, I don't know how many months ago, and I've been a real ass about it in the meanwhile. I'm sorry. I'll do my best to improve, if any of you are still willing to let me.
To House: There's no excuse for the suffering you went through because of me. I should've sent your pills back as soon as they arrived. My own paranoia of using Admin's medical assistance clouded my judgement in a way that wasn't fair to you or Rhys and made a joke of my profession. I'm glad you're healed now, and I'll trust you to make good progress with the rest. You don't have to worry about me taking them again.
To Beckett: Maybe you really are selfish, but I can't blame you for lashing out at me like you have when I've been so absolutely stifling to you. A lot of things are different for you from at home--there's a lot for you to figure out about yourself, and your natural curiosity lends you to explore it as much as you can. It's wrong of me to try and smother that out of you and berate you for trying things for yourself. You're smart enough to work all that out on your own. I'm still here to help, if you need me.
To Angel: People trust you for a reason and it was pretty dumb of me to question why. I don't think you would ever tell people to harm themselves for any reason. I have no idea what possessed me to imply that you would. Frustration, panic, lack of self-worth, I guess...none of that's excusable for my behavior and I feel awful for having ever doubted you. You're bright and compassionate and a much better leader for these people than I could ever be. You're capable of making your own decisions and I ought to respect that. I haven't been. I'm sorry.
To Rhys: I really haven't given you the credit and care that you deserve. What you did last week was very brave. I know you knew this wasn't going to end well, but you did it for the sake of the town; I should be commending you for standing up for everyone, not blaming you for hurting yourself. It was noble. I'm sorry for doubting you, and I hope you feel well enough to see your sacrifice pan out.
To Jade and Brian: The town as my witness, I promise to never meddle in either of your affairs unless you explicitly ask me to, here and after we leave. I know just apologizing isn't enough, so the least I can do is stay out of both of your lives so you two can survive with some ounce of peace.
To Steph, if you ever get to see this: I should have supported you more. I'm so sorry.
And to Norfinbury: Claiming that any of you can't make decisions for yourselves was downright insulting of me. We need to get out of here. I would prefer if we could do it peacefully, and I know I'm not capable of going through with anything quite so drastic as what happened recently, but...I can't keep holding onto that view, and I sure as hell can't force it on everyone else. My job isn't to stop people from putting themselves in harm's way, or even to decide what is and is not ultimately harmful for them; my job is to support those that are hurt, no matter what they've done, and make sure they survive whatever they've been through so they can enjoy living again. I lost sight of that, I don't know how many months ago, and I've been a real ass about it in the meanwhile. I'm sorry. I'll do my best to improve, if any of you are still willing to let me.
>private voice
You goddamn fucking rat bastard! This is your idea of not meddling? Screw you! Screw every freaking thing about you, Epps! Don't ever pretend to be my attending again, asshole. If I see you, your teeth are getting rearranged.
private text
[Part of him wants to lie and see just how far he can push his luck, see if House is just jumping to conclusions based on his dosage going down. The rest of him is too tired to deal with that mess.]
Didn't take much to convince her. She trusts me with your meds more than she trusts you, seems like. I wonder why?
private text
Let me guess, this is your way of helping. Newsflash, Kafkaman, I don't want your help! No one does when they've got anyone else to try first. You've burned almost more bridges here than I have and that's impressive. Can't just run away from it, either, and I'm betting that's what you want to do. You don't like not being liked, and you're not gonna repair everything you've broken, Epps. The old one's'll warn off the new ones, too. And you'll cling to the friends you have managed to con into your little 'poor pitiful me' narrative and just cause a bigger and bigger split here. At least everyone can agree I'm an asshole who deserves what he gets.
You want everything to be about you. Congrats. You're getting it. Good luck with that.
no subject
Which is what you wanted, if I remember correctly. Good job.
no subject
But you keep telling yourself you're protecting the town.
no subject
Good luck.
[House won't get any more responses after this.]
no subject