[log] something was bound to go right sometime today [closed]

[jinxings]

Characters: Haku Mitsumi and Eiri Kaidou
Location: N3
Date: Day 6, afternoon
Summary: Haku and Eiri finally manage to run into each other again in this snowy wasteland.
Warnings: Possible mentions/discussions of suicide.

[ Six days in this place already. As Haku wanders across the snowy fields with houses and rubble everywhere, he keeps repeating that much in the back of his head. Going over the things he's seen here, the buildings he's been in, the people he talked to and the information they gave him. As long as he just keeps going over all that, cycling back to the beginning once he's gone over everything, he might be able to keep his mind occupied. Keep himself distracted enough that he doesn't feel as restless about everything that happened before he found himself in this strange place, enough that he doesn't feel as paranoid about everything that's happening here. His tablet feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket, brimming with strange videos of shadowy figures in some school-like building, more worried and less worried messages from Eiri piling up in it.

Eiri-- the name and thought that keeps him going, that keeps making him put one foot in front of the other as his boots briefly leave imprints in the snow. He has to find Eiri. Even if he was questioning his purpose in life so badly before he arrived in this place, he at least knows that much for now. No matter how long he has to wander through all of this, he has to find Eiri, he has to make sure he's real and alive and alright.

Just as that thought goes through his mind, Haku can spot a shadow on the horizon. Not that he thinks too much of it - it's not like he hasn't ran into people before in this place, even if it's more rare than contact over the network. There's apparently plenty of them stuck here, so it's not like it's an impossible chance to run into someone out here.

But when the shadow approaches more because they both keep walking, it turns more into the shape of a person. A little small, compared to most people. The end of a coat trailing a little behind him as he walks.

For a brief moment Haku is absolutely sure he's hallucinating, and for that same moment Haku stops walking, feeling his heart speed up in his chest. He doesn't want to believe out of fear of being wrong, of it being fake, of it being his mind's wishful thinking (it's not like that hasn't happened before, after all). But at the same time he wants it to be true more than anything - hasn't he been wanting to see Eiri in person all this time? ]

Eiri..

[ The name escapes his lips softly, carried away immediately by the wind - but only a moment after he starts sprinting to cover the distance between him and his possible-hallucination as quickly as possible. If this really is a daydream, he'd rather be helped out of it as soon as possible. ]

Comments

[fauxtality]

[It's been six days, but at least that's given Eiri enough time to get used to a new routine of sorts, here. With the occasional interruption, of course, but for the most part, days go by on a standard schedule. He gets up at dawn and moves onward, searching where he can, but keeping in mind that when night falls, the doors lock. But when he doesn't know where the next house will be, it's almost like a sick game of musical chairs. Or would it be musical houses...

Along with the comfort of having a routine is the ever-present objective of finding Haku, though. It's on par with finding food and shelter, to be honest, if not more so. And though he keeps in touch as often as he can, it's just not the same as being in his Messiah's physical presence. He needs to be with Haku, he needs to be able to see him and touch him and just know that he's real.

Haku is all he's got.

But still he trudges on, not knowing where Haku even is, if he's even going in the right direction - but they've discussed the rising and the setting of the sun, they know the directions that way - in the ever-present hope that today will be the day they find each other. And when Eiri looks up, he thinks it's finally happened. There's a shape there, a person, he hopes. But it could be his mind playing with him. Or whatever this place does. Eiri remembers how things got intense just a few nights ago. He remembers that injection - and he's still pissed that he has no idea who is responsible - and has accepted, at least silently, that something extremely weird is going on here.

He continues walking forward. The person he sees could be anyone. It's not like they're alone out here. But has he squints against the blinding whiteness of the snow, he thinks he sees blond hair. And that coat surely matches his own.

And as that person starts to run, Eiri can tell that those legs are impossibly long and it won't take long for that person to meet him. He's terrified, though. Terrified that this isn't real, and how stupid would he be to imagine something like this when he could be making good progress over this frozen land?

But he dares to hope. He knows what Haku looks like when he runs and this person looks just like Haku. And he's running toward Eiri like his life depends on it. Like his life depends on Eiri.

Haku is all Eiri's got. And if that can go both ways, just once...]

Haku...

[It's so quiet, so breathless, that Eiri isn't even sure he's spoken, but it doesn't matter, because finally his legs start to work again and he runs, wanting to meet up with Haku as quickly as possible. And when he opens his mouth again and takes a deep breath, he makes sure his Messiah will be able to hear him.]

HAKU!

[Which, of course he will. Because Eiri's screams could wake the dead.]

[jinxings]

[ There's only one person who can call out to him like that, who says his name that way. With that kind of volume that could blow literally anyone else away, with a sort of sense of relief in it, of expectation.. If this would turn out a hallucination anyway, then it sure is a damn good and accurate one, huh.

But the closer Haku gets, the more he notices the other doesn't just disappear into thin air. No, the figure is moving closer towards him as well, and so it hardly takes any time before they're practically right in front of each other. But Haku doesn't slow down, he just keeps running, even when there's no room to run anymore - it's then that he practically throws himself at the other, quickly wrapping Eiri into his arms to realise whether he's really there or not.

It's then that he finds the weight in his arms to feel very real, only a moment before the force of his own movement and the fact that Eiri on a good day comes halfway up to his chest throws them both over. Their balance topples and they end up falling right over into the snow - thankfully it's at least a soft cushion, or Eiri might have been crushed between the ground and Haku.

Haku knows very well that it's not the kind of situation where they can just afford to lie around in the snow or anything, but he doesn't care just for a few moments. He doesn't even care for a few moments that him being right here with Eiri won't mean anything but terrible luck for the other.

Just for a few moments, literally nothing else about their situation or even the fact that it's so cold matters but the fact that it's Eiri. That he's really here, and not just Haku's mind grasping at straws to keep itself together. That he can still vaguely smell the familiar scent just by being this close to the other, more familiar and home-like than anything else has been in this place until now. ]

Eiri.. [ Even now he doesn't let go of the other, like Eiri might disappear the very moment he doesn't reassure himself of Eiri's physical presence.

Haku presses his forehead against his Messiah's, then shifts a little - anything to have as much contact between the two of them as is possible right now. He just can't take in anything other than Eiri right now, mumbling the other's name over and over out of a sheer sense of relief. There had been moments where, despite the other's constant messages and lots of him telling Haku to take care of himself, he had been so afraid he wouldn't find anything but a frozen corpse, but it's Eiri, as alive as he always is, right here with him. ]

Eiri..!

[ He doesn't even notice the way his voice cracks a little when he calls the other's name again, or the way tears have started to well up in his eyes. He's too busy rubbing his forehead against the other's like some way oversized dog. ]

[fauxtality]

[There's a part of Eiri - a rather small part - that hopes Haku will slow his approach, that something will click in the taller man's head and tell him that this full steam ahead decision won't end well for at least one of them, but he knows better. Which is why he's the one who stops and braces himself against the inevitable crash. But snow doesn't offer a good footing and Haku just doesn't seem to realize that his size is definitely going to give him the advantage here and really all Eiri can do is rely on his own jinx and know that getting crushed by his own Messiah isn't going to be how he leaves the world.

(That doesn't mean Eiri still doesn't cry out when they both come tumbling down, however.)

Not that he really cares. Because this is definitely Haku and they're definitely back together and Eiri can definitely find peace in that. Haku's alive and Haku's still in one piece that he can tell and he's still...he's still Haku, even under what must be an unbearable amount of mental anguish. This is still his Messiah and Eiri wouldn't want to be crushed into the snow by anyone else.]

It's me, it's me. I'm here.

[He has to wrench his arms from between the two of them, but once he does, Eiri wraps them so hard around Haku, threatening to never let go. He's got Haku back. That's all he needs. That's all he wants.

He has Haku back. That fact starts to sink in more and more and his hands nearly claw at Haku's back with such a ferocity, a desperate attempt to keep him right there, in his arms, because dammit he had nearly lost the one person he had left in his life, the one who means everything!]

Haku...

[The closeness between them is suffocating and yet it's not good enough and even though Haku has completely destroyed Eiri's personal bubble, he can't help but crave more of it. Never stop being right in his face, never stop being that insufferable and tall and ever-present pain in his ass.

It's stupid and they have more important things to worry about, but feeling the raw and intense affection being slathered all over him causes Eiri's throat to close up and he gasps out a sob.]

Haku...! Don't leave me. God, don't leave me!

[jinxings]

[ Every part of this is so very much like Eiri that Haku feels like he never wants to let go again. Even though his hands are gloved against the cold that seems to permanently surround them in this place, he can still feel very single bit of Eiri's face through them, like he'd be directly touching the skin after all. Every curve and rise of his face, every single strand of hair that brushes past his fingers - it's all exactly the way he remembers it. It's Eiri through and through, if not just in the way he's so quick to try and reassure Haku, like he instinctively knows the other needs it. (He does-- he really, really does.)

Except then Eiri starts to break around the edges too. And Haku knows why. It's just the fact that they've been seperated from each other. Sure, that was shitty too, and it feels like it's been much more than almost a week with the way Eiri pretended to be dead back home for a while too. It feels like an eternity since he's seen his Messiah last, but that's not why Eiri is clinging to him just as desperate as he's clinging to the shorter guy to begin with. It's since Eiri doubtlessly remembers the same thing as vividly as Haku does. ]

I'm not.. [ It's a weak sort of reply, especially by Haku standards, but it's the first thing he manages to shove past his lips. He's not leaving Eiri.. god, he doesn't want to leave Eiri. He never wanted to. Even back at that moment, with the gun to his head, it's not like he ever wanted to leave Eiri. He just knew that Eiri would end up just like his previous Messiah sooner or later if he didn't distance himself from his Messiah in the only way he still could.

He hadn't known what his reason to live was, that's what he had said, but he already knew, more or less. Eiri was his reason to live. Eiri has been his reason to live for such a long time now, and he realises it even more fiercely now they're rolling across the snow, not caring about the cold, only wanting to touch and hold each other as much as possible to reassure themselves it's all real.

Eiri is his reason to live - but he's the reason Eiri will die. Cruel fate, isn't it?

Burying his face into the part where the other's neck meets his shoulder, Haku manages to stifle a sob, still not letting go. He's been holding all of this in for days on end now, just trying to function when every single part of his body screamed that he couldn't, and now it's just all coming out at once. It's ugly and terrible, and he wouldn't show anyone but Eiri. ]

But.. my Jinx..

[ If he stays right here with Eiri, then Eiri will die. Even though being with Eiri makes him happier than anything else, it's not like he can risk the life of the person most important to him for that, right? ]

[fauxtality]

[Eiri knows that Haku never wanted to leave. Even after their rocky beginning and how Haku pushed him away, he was never the one to want to end it. In hindsight, Eiri's ashamed of himself. Or more disappointed in himself, really. If he and Haku parted ways back then...

He never would have gotten shot, at least not by Higayama. But then someone else would have died in his place. Died for real. And where would that have left Haku? Eiri can only imagine what his mental state would be like. Or if he had never gotten attached, then maybe he'd still be the same. Aloof and distant, protecting himself in the only way he knew how.

But they didn't part ways and things changed between them and neither of them wanted to leave, even if Eiri wouldn't say as much, not out loud, but Haku's jinx has always been there, just hovering in their periphery. Always just out of sight, just out of mind. It never got in the way, not after the Higayama incident.

But these days it's taking center stage again.

Really, though, it's not even a real jinx. It's only effective as long as Serizawa or any of his cronies are around. It's not Haku's fault that his past Messiah died. It's his awful brother's fault. But as long as Serizawa lives, Haku is going to live in fear of that jinx claiming Eiri's life.

Eiri's own jinx, on the other hand, is all too real and can't be explained away by terrible outside plotting that looks like awful coincidence. He can't die. He's survived too many things so far that he never should have. But he wonders, especially in the darkest hours of the night or back in his loneliest times, if he willed it enough, would he be able to end his own life? Would the jinx still work then?

But he doesn't want to die, not now that he has Haku back, not when Haku needs him more than ever. He holds Haku close, so tightly, threading a gloved hand through the blond hair at his shoulder. And he can feel and hear how Haku is breaking within his embrace. If he could hold him any tighter, he would, just to keep all the pieces in one place. He can't lose any part of Haku. He can't, he can't!

Eiri is just human, too, though, and seeing his Messiah in such pain like this hurts so badly that all he can do is try to choke down his own sobs, but his chest heaves and though he screws his eyes shut, he can feel icy cold tears leak out, quickly freezing on his cheeks.]

Whose...whose jinx is stronger, huh?

[He tries to laugh it off, but it only comes out as another choked breath.]

'Cause mine's been doing pretty good, I think. It's gonna stay that way, too, all right? I can't -

[He breaks off, quickly wiping at his face, because the tears and his snot are all freezing and it's gross and embarrassing.]

I can't bear the thought of losing you. You're...You're my reason for living! It's you. So don't you dare leave me, Haku, don't you dare. 'Cause I won't leave you. Not ever. Not because of some weak-ass jinx.

[He turns his head, trying to look at Haku, but it's so hard when they're so close, so she shifts and nudges Haku. Because this is important.]

It's forever, right?

[jinxings]

[ The cold stings. It stings so painfully that it's almost like it's burning him right up instead. It's probably since he's lying down in it like this with only Eiri to warm him - he's way taller, so the cold of the snow is sinking straight through his booths, through his gloves, turning the tears on his face into quickly frozen painful streaks that he can feel with every single hitch of breath.

But there's no way it stings as much as everything else right now does. The cold can't beat the fear of possibly losing Eiri that had completely grasped his heart. As long as his brother was around, he wouldn't give up until he killed Eiri just as he had killed Haku's previous Messiah. But Haku also couldn't kill his brother - it's still his brother, after all - and yet capturing him wasn't enough either, since he could just escape at any time and still try to make Haku's worst fears a reality. It seized him, it shook him up, leaving him with no choice but to finish everything. One person had to die for the situation to be solved. He couldn't kill his older brother, and he certainly couldn't kill his Messiah, so-- it had been the one option left. To kill himself. To remove himself from the picture, so Eiri could live.

But now it's Eiri's who's (also) crying. It's Eiri who's clinging onto him so tightly that it's like he'll never let go. It's Eiri who's telling him that he's his reason for leaving. That he can't bear to lose him.

The exact same thoughts that Haku has had, just the other way around.

He can feel the other nudging him, and he in turn moves himself up just a little bit. Not enough to leave Eiri's embrace, but at least enough that he can actually look the other in the face, no matter how much of a mess he might look like right now. (It's the closest his appearance has ever come to experiencing what he really feels, anyway.) ]

A.. ah.

[ The answer, a shakey sound of confirmation, comes slowly. Perhaps because of the cold starting to seep into his bones, or perhaps because of all the emotions running throughout him. But no matter what the reason for it might be, Haku nods, fresh tears following the already frozen trails. He can't stop them now. ]

I.. want it to be that way. I just..

[ He was scared. He was so, so frightened of Eiri leaving him that he'd rather take his own life than seeing that come to pass. And other things only edged him on - the whole deal with Eiri's fake death, learning the truth about his older brother, even learning that the reason Serizawa became so messed up was because of him all along. He can hear it echo through the back of his mind even now - I'm the monster you created!

There's so many things that constantly threaten to chip away at his already fragile mind. So much so that Eiri is literally his anchor right now. Clinging on to him is the only thing that keeps him from slipping.

For a moment he doesn't really know where to leave his hands, and he slowly moves them up to help wipe away the tears on Eiri's own face. ]

.. it's alright..? If it's me?

[ Because he's - intentionally, mostly - annoyed Eiri and pushed him away so many times. Because he's so messed up and keeps making things worse. Because he's the reason that Eiri's life is in constant danger. ]

Even if it's me.. [ He still vividly remembers it. Even if he pretended to not pay attention to it, he noticed every moment of it. Walking down the hallways of the Sakura headquarters only to hear the whisper at every turn, in the back of every classroom briefing, even at dinner --- it's the jinx. Don't get close to him. You'll die. ] .. it'll be forever?

[fauxtality]

[..it's alright..? If it's me?

Even if it's me...it'll be forever?

Despite Eiri's pleading, Haku still doubts. And yet, beneath that layer of careful self-deprecation, Eiri can glimpse a spark of hope. Or at least he tells himself that as he jumps at the chance to reassure Haku yet again.

Still keeping one arm wrapped around Haku's body, Eiri pushes himself up into a sitting position, pulling Haku with him. The snow is exceedingly cold and even though Haku is somewhat warm where he covers Eiri, it's still freezing. The snow seeps into the coat on his back and as he sits there, the air cools the dampness, causing Eiri to shiver. But he doesn't drag Haku indoors yet, even though he should. They don't have any medical supplies and if they get sick...

He doesn't care about that right now. He only cares about Haku.]

It's only been you.

[Ever since the fire that claimed his family's lives, ever since he lost the gang, ever since he was told not to befriend anyone other than his Messiah, Eiri has been alone. Alone except for Haku, the one constant in his new life.

Haku and his infuriating inability to clean up after himself.

Haku and his apparent disinterest in life.

Haku and his jinx.

Haku. Just Haku.

Eiri doesn't have anyone else, but at this point, he wouldn't want anyone else to stand in Haku's place.]

It's only going to be you. Forever.

[And just as Haku had done for him, Eiri carefully reaches down to Haku's face, rubbing his gloved thumb over the other man's cheeks. The tear tracks are frozen against his skin, but he still tries to gently rub them away.]

...Do you believe in me?

[Though Eiri could understand if Haku had trouble with that. After everything they've been through, particularly the most recent event with Eiri faking his own death, keeping Haku in the lonely, awful dark, it would make sense for Haku to be suspicious or downright dismissive. Eiri knows he doesn't even really have the right to ask, and yet he finds himself hoping.

Hoping that as he needs Haku so badly, Haku will need him, too.]

[jinxings]

[ Eiri wants him. And not just that - Eiri wants it to be him specifically. Not because they're Messiah and are stuck with each other no matter how much he'd yell to Ichijima about how he wanted to switch Messiah. Not because neither of them have practically anything else anymore. Not just because of those things, but because it's him. Because it's Haku Mitsumi.

How is he supposed to say he doesn't believe Eiri, knowing that? It's not that they haven't had their tensions back home.. quite a lot of it, especially the last while before they were suddenly dragged into this place. But despite all of that, there's no way he could ever not believe in Eiri. His Messiah.

His most important person.

Haku nods, even if it's painful. Because he knows that choosing to believe in Eiri now, that choosing for him now, means that he's practically signing his older brother's death certificate here. He can't have both. If Serizawa lives, then Eiri's life is going to be in constant danger - and he doesn't want to have to find Eiri's horribly mangled body somewhere. He wouldn't be able to handle that. So that means Serizawa will need to die instead. Even if it's horribly unfair, because it's Haku's fault that Serizawa is like this to begin with. (He truly is a jinx. He even jinxed the one person that mattered from the beginning, he jinxed himself into never being able to find the older brother he loved so much again, because that person had already died inside of Serizawa.)

I'm sorry, aniki.

In his thoughts, he apologizes to his older brother. That he didn't let them take him instead. That Serizawa became this way. That it'll have to end like this.

I can't die yet.

Haku properly pushes himself up so he's sitting straight, so he's able to lean down until his forehead is resting against Eiri's, so he can feel the other's warm breath being blown against his lips. Close enough that they're practically sharing their life force here in this cold wasteland - their breath, their body heat, the most precious commodities in this place. ]

Eiri.. [ The words come out as a whisper. They don't have to be louder when they're like this, after all. ] You really are my Messiah.

[ The one who's saved him from himself. The one who reached down to him in the darkest of pits, when he felt like his own sorrow was going to swallow him right up. ]

We'll be forever. So.. don't ever let your jinx be beaten. [ Because there's still that hint of uncertainty. Because they don't know what's going on in this place, and what they can do about it, and how safe they will or won't be - even if it's heavily leaning towards the latter.

But Haku wants to believe. More than anything, he wants to believe. He wants this to be the glue that holds all the pitiful parts that form a person called Haku Mitsumi together. He wants Eiri to be his forever.

The reason I can't die is that.. there's someone who needs me. ]