snowblindrpg | [network] @ADMIN; Arrival

[ OH

OH

CABOOSE WOULD KNOW THAT VOICE ANYWHERE ]

CHUHF

[ Okay no this isn't working. His bff deserves more than freezing cold hands slapping haphazardly at the tablet keyboard. He deserves to know that Caboose is fine, and okay, and only a little bit kidnapped and left in the snow. Which requires an audio response.

Despite the. Tongue situation. ]

Church! Yes! It is me!!

[ It sounds more like "chawshes iss mee," but. Still! ]

Well, that confirms it. This really is hell.

[Probably not literally. Unless Caboose is also dead, which does not seem likely since the idiot seems to be fucking immortal.]

Where are you?

I am... in hell.

[ Well. If Church says that's where this is, then it must be true??

There's a gross wet noise as Caboose tries to pull his tongue free. Or at least sound less spit-logged. Neither works. ]

This is not how I expected hell to be. This looks more like a place that is not hell. Maybe where Santa lives. There must be so many elves.

That's not what I meant, moron. Where are you, specifically, in- why am I even trying.

[There are not enough words in the universe for how much Church did not miss this.]

What does it look around you? Aside from. Snowy.

There is... a house. Full of a lot of nothing.

[ He's. He's not wrong. ]

I don't think this is Chorus. OH MY GOD CHURCH, I AM LOST.

[WHY THE LOUDNESS WHYYYYYY]

Calm the fuck down. I've got no idea what you even mean by Chorus, but we're in a town in Alaska right now.

[And, since it's a very real possibility that Caboose does not know what Alaska is:]

On Earth.

IIIIII don't think we can be on Earth, Church. It is a very, very, very, very, veryveryvery, very, veeeeeery long way from Chorus. Agent Washington told me. He used flashcards.

[ Not knowing Chorus, thinking they're on Earth... oh no. Did someone break Church again? ]

Wait, you- you've been talking with Washington? How long has it been since I died?

[With the time weirdness of this place, he'd kind of assumed Caboose would just show up from the same time as he did. Plus, surely nothing of interest would happen after Church's death? Shouldn't the universe just kind of shut down in mourning or something?]

Uhhhhhh. Which time... would you be talking about, with the dying. It - it happens a lot. And it is usually not my fault.

[ His tongue finally gives way with a painful sound not unlike a band-aid being ripped off. TIMING. ]

The last time. You know, with the Meta and everything? Wash told you what happened, right?

[Let's just. Not bring up exactly how he died.]

Do you mean the time that you were destroyed - ow - by the emp and also the Meta was there, oooorrrrrr the time you went into the memory unit and also the Meta was there until he was not.

Wait, what?

I said, do you mean the time that you were destroyed - ow - by the emp and also the Meta was there, oooorrrrrr the time you went into the memory unit and also the Meta was there until he was not.

I think - I think that maybe, you should pay more attention before Agent Carolina does the mean face that she does when people do not listen.

[ IT'S A VERY SCARY FACE OKAY ]

Do not tell her I said that.

Tucker said it.

I don't- Carolina? Wasn't she supposed to be dead? And- what's that supposed to be about the memory unit? What the fuck are you talking about?

[Caboose not making any sense is not exactly anything new, but this is a new kind of bizarre. It makes Church feel like he's out of the loop - a loop that Caboose is in - and he does not like it one bit.]

Agent Carolina is dead?

Oh god! She was so young, and her hair was so shiny! And where will you live now? Church you are too small to be homeless.

[ THIS IS THE WORST NEWS HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THESE VERY CONFUSING QUESTIONS NOW?? ]

Oh my god.

[Excuse Church for a moment, he needs to scream quietly into his hands a little.]

Okay. Caboose. I'm gonna need you to tell me what's been happening after the emp. I don't know, because I've been dead.

[ Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay. This is that Church.

Which would probably take a lot more effort to adjust to if Churches didn't come back from the dead every five minutes, and if this wasn't Caboose. ]

Okay, Church! First you died, and I was sad, and I laid on the floor of the base for a long time, and then I got lonely, and then I made a new Super Best Friend Church, and then we had adventures, and Tucker was stupid, and Church made a new Tex and she beat up everybody except me because she likes me and thinks I am just so great, and Agent Washington kind of was a bad guy with the Meta for a while and he shot Private Toaster Pastry, and then he was dead, except he wasn't, but then the Meta was dead, and then Church went into the memory unit with Tex and everybody said he was dead, so he got taken away and it was a sad sad time, and then Agent Washington was Church, and then Agent Carolina was there, and she shouted at us a lot, and we got Church back and had more adventures and found the Detractor, and then we flew away in a spaceship, and then it crashed and it wasn't my fault, and then we were on Chorus and Church left and I got lonely again, but then I found Freckles and I was the leader, and Freckles had a hat, but then Agent Washington was the leader instead and there was fighting and Freckles died but not really because now he is with me again just like you are with me again, Church.

[ uh ]

Uh.

What do you mean, you made a new Church?

[Obviously he is irreplaceable so what is this nonsense???]

I told you stories. In the memory unit. Like the stories that I am telling you right now.

Am I making another Church.

Oh my god is this how babies are made.

NO CABOOSE THIS IS NOT HOW BABIES ARE MADE.

[Okay, no. Calm down. Screeching isn't going to help right now.]

...Wait. Wait wait wait wait. Memory unit.

Are you talking about Epsilon?

Yyyyyyes. Epsilon, who is also Church. But who is maybe not llowed to be Church any more, because you are Church, and if two Churches are both Church at the same time you will have to fight for my best friendship. And I am pretty sure that Church fighting rings are... kind of against the law.

[ Agent Washington would know. Maybe new friend Arkman would know, too? Hm. ]

Let me get this straight.

You took the crazy AI fragment that tried to kill itself. And you tried to replace me with it?

[That can't have possibly turned out well, right?]

Yes.

And then we replaced him with Agent Washingchurch, and then we replaced him with the Church that was Epsilon but is now Church again.

[ it's all very simple, please keep up?? ]

You guys are all assholes.

[Also it's. Kind of creepy. A part of him is wandering around acting like it is him? Fucked up, dude.]

[Airily:] Yeah, he says that a lot, too. It's a Church thing.

[ Alas, it's kind of difficult to make out what Caboose is saying. Partly because his tongue is still really sore and a little swollen and he sounds even doofier than usual, and partly because another voice is talking over him.

HOSTILE DETECTED. ]

Down, Freckles. It is just Church.

...Church Classic.

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