Characters: Zack, Tifa, Zell, Kunsel, and... Jim? Kind of? Location: House 43 Date: Day 72 Summary: Jim tries to take out a monster and fails miserably. Warnings: Death, violence, grief? You know, Snowhell stuff.
[ It's late when he decides to venture down the stairs. Late enough that it's pitch black in the stairwell and he has to light the way with his tablet to land his steps right without falling down there instead. In the past, when it had come to Tadashi... and when it had come to Cloud especially, he'd been in the bad habit of closing off. Of shutting down and grieving alone, blaming himself.
The blame's still there. But if there's anything Hiro had reminded him of, it's that he can't fall apart on them. That if a kid half his size with no claim to combat experience can bravely take a death blow for him, this should be nothing to him. It... has to be. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.
But... they're hurting like hell, too. And he's gotta...
The last step feels like it echoes, even if it doesn't. He swings the tablet around, heart lurching in his chest as light bounces off the broken glass of the display case, as it lances across the empty spot on the wall where he knows used to house the very thing that aided Jim to damnation. Softly, throat tightening, he calls out: ] Zell?
[Earlier, Zell had gone upstairs to get his tablet out for Dumpy. He set the little bot up with a network post with Rhys in it. That should keep him happy for a bit. As much as Zell appreciated having the little guy, he needed a break from the “face hugs.” He’s once more back in the man cave with his fitted sheet and blue sweater.
He already knows there is no way he’s getting any sleep. He keeps looking for Jim, and it was hurting all over again. They already lost Hiro recently…why did they have to lose Jim? He’s still hoping that maybe when they walk out tomorrow, they will find Jim out there. Or Jim will come down the steps…
The one who comes down the stairs is Zack. Not Jim.
Zell is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. The rug is helping against the cold, but not by much. He has his fitted sheet on the couch with a large blue sweater.]
Zack. [He’ll give a wave as he squints at the light.] Some stuff has changed in here since last I’ve been here.
[ At least Dumpy's a happy little bugger. Not really something they can say for... well. Anyone else in the house this particular night. Zell's not the only one finding himself pausing and checking himself. A swinging glance here. A thought there. It all just makes the weight of his guilty all that much heavier to be reminded again and again that Jim's dead. That he'll never be able to make things right between the two of them. That's how it ended-
But that's something he's going to have to live with and deal with later. Right then, he's there for Zell. So, he nods at that wave, making a conscious effort to lower the tablet's light when he sees the way Zell scrunches his face. But he's making his way over, regardless, now that he sees where he is. ]
Yeah... [ Being such a conversationalist as he does so. But it has changed... It'll continue to change. Life goes on, with or without- Zack shakes his head as he crosses the rest of the distance and Zell now might see the towel bundled under one of Zack's arms. Might see the soft look in the mako glow of his eyes. ]
Hey... About earlier. I'm sorry. [ Even if he might have all the reason in the world to yell at Zell in the moment, to get him moving, laying it on him like that, even in the heat of the moment... ]
AND HE'S LONG GONE WHEN HES NEXT TO ME AND I REALIZE THAT THE BLAME IS ON ME
[Looks like Zell finally is living up the team’s name. Bringing his knees up as he wraps his arms around them to hug his legs against his chest. He’s slowly shaking his head as he thinks about the events earlier in the day again.]
It’s…[He can’t bring himself to say it’s ok, because nothing is okay. He still feels raw about it all.] You were just trying to keep me alive. [And not run into certain death.
He notices the glow, but he’s starting to become accustomed to it. It’s been twelve days since he’s joined the group. It’s been much longer since he saw that little pranking video on the network.
He doesn’t notice the towel.]
How’s Tifa and Kain? [He might know he’s Kunsel by now, but he was introduced to him as Kain initially, and that’s what he’ll call him until he’s told otherwise.]
[ Zack just... inclines his head at that answer. It's enough. Zell understands and that's enough. Because no- no, it's not okay. It's not okay and it's not going to be okay for a long time. If there's anything he's learned from being in Norfinbury- and even his lot in life the past how many years. Life's not easy. Nor is it fair. This time, it feels worse though. Because this time, there's no way he can take back what he said or explain or-
He takes in a sudden breath, more audible than necessary. Because no, he can't go down that road, that train of thought. Not right then. Even with his heart still aching in his chest and his body feeling heavy. He can't think of that when Zell's right there...
So, instead, he finds himself taking a knee in front of the young man. He places his tablet down on the floor first. And then with both hands freed, he'll be finally taking that towel. He whips it off to the side to open it before gingerly letting the towel recede onto Zell's shoulders as he clears his throat. ] They'll be... They're next on my list.
[ He hesitates after that- but it's briefly. Because then he's winding his arms around the young man before him soon after. ]
[Life isn’t fair, but it likes taking those who are.
The sound makes Zell focus on Zack. Like really focus on him. He’s swallowing down the emotions trying to law their way back up to the surface. He can’t tell how hard it hit Zack, but he can tell it did hit him. And Zell isn’t sure how much of this he will let sink in.
Jim is gone… but he can come back. He will come back. Jim has to come back.
He can feel the weight of the towel settle on his shoulders.] Okay.
[It’s all he can manage to say. Zack has his arms around him, and it takes Zell by surprise for a moment. Soon, he’s putting his arms around the formal member Soldier to give him a hug in return. Zack seems so much older in that moment, even if there wasn’t that big of an age gap between them.]
[ Maybe it's better off he doesn't let it sink in. Maybe it's better off he doesn't know. Zack certainly doesn't want to take hope away from him... although he doesn't want to give false hope either. Maybe that's why it's best Zell doesn't ask if he will. Because at that point, well.... It doesn't feel likely at all.
But for right then, his priority's checking in on Zell. Being there for him. And Tifa. And Kunsel, too. Even if he really doesn't have much comfort to offer. Even if it does nothing to change what they all want most that night. It's... better than nothing right?
That question makes him pause though. He swallows thickly and shrugs a fraction. ]
[As nice as placating words could be, that is all they would be. Just something to numb it a little longer. Something to make it easier, when this place is everything BUT easy. This isn't the first time they lost someone.
Zell is a SeeD. He should get used to this. Whatever happens, HAPPENS.
He never wants to get used to this, though. And he doesn't want words to make him feel better. He isn't even sure if he deserves to feel better at this point.]
I...[And he'll give a shrug as he shakes his head.] I think I prefer having that frickin' perception illness over this.
[It was freaky as hell, but he didn't feel anything.]
[ No one wants to get used to something like this- and no one should. That's the end all argument. Even being SOLDIER as long as he has hasn't erased the terrible feelings that succumb him when he loses someone important to him. Especially when he'd been so damned close.
He has no pretty words to give. No comforting ones like how they'll be alright or even how he wouldn't have wanted them to be like this. Neither are true. All he can do is hum in acknowledgement at first. Then, clearing his throat a bit, he offers hoarsely: ] You and me both there. But would it really change anything?
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for that other idiot who almost got himself killed, too
The blame's still there. But if there's anything Hiro had reminded him of, it's that he can't fall apart on them. That if a kid half his size with no claim to combat experience can bravely take a death blow for him, this should be nothing to him. It... has to be. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.
But... they're hurting like hell, too. And he's gotta...
The last step feels like it echoes, even if it doesn't. He swings the tablet around, heart lurching in his chest as light bounces off the broken glass of the display case, as it lances across the empty spot on the wall where he knows used to house the very thing that aided Jim to damnation. Softly, throat tightening, he calls out: ] Zell?
NOW I'M LYING ON THE COLD HAD FLOOR
He already knows there is no way he’s getting any sleep. He keeps looking for Jim, and it was hurting all over again. They already lost Hiro recently…why did they have to lose Jim? He’s still hoping that maybe when they walk out tomorrow, they will find Jim out there. Or Jim will come down the steps…
The one who comes down the stairs is Zack. Not Jim.
Zell is sitting on the floor in front of the couch. The rug is helping against the cold, but not by much. He has his fitted sheet on the couch with a large blue sweater.]
Zack. [He’ll give a wave as he squints at the light.] Some stuff has changed in here since last I’ve been here.
CAUSE HE KNEW HE WAS TROUBLE WHEN HE WALKED IN
But that's something he's going to have to live with and deal with later. Right then, he's there for Zell. So, he nods at that wave, making a conscious effort to lower the tablet's light when he sees the way Zell scrunches his face. But he's making his way over, regardless, now that he sees where he is. ]
Yeah... [ Being such a conversationalist as he does so. But it has changed... It'll continue to change. Life goes on, with or without- Zack shakes his head as he crosses the rest of the distance and Zell now might see the towel bundled under one of Zack's arms. Might see the soft look in the mako glow of his eyes. ]
Hey... About earlier. I'm sorry. [ Even if he might have all the reason in the world to yell at Zell in the moment, to get him moving, laying it on him like that, even in the heat of the moment... ]
AND HE'S LONG GONE WHEN HES NEXT TO ME AND I REALIZE THAT THE BLAME IS ON ME
It’s…[He can’t bring himself to say it’s ok, because nothing is okay. He still feels raw about it all.] You were just trying to keep me alive. [And not run into certain death.
He notices the glow, but he’s starting to become accustomed to it. It’s been twelve days since he’s joined the group. It’s been much longer since he saw that little pranking video on the network.
He doesn’t notice the towel.]
How’s Tifa and Kain? [He might know he’s Kunsel by now, but he was introduced to him as Kain initially, and that’s what he’ll call him until he’s told otherwise.]
IT JUST ALL COMES BACK. BUT HE NEVER DOES.
He takes in a sudden breath, more audible than necessary. Because no, he can't go down that road, that train of thought. Not right then. Even with his heart still aching in his chest and his body feeling heavy. He can't think of that when Zell's right there...
So, instead, he finds himself taking a knee in front of the young man. He places his tablet down on the floor first. And then with both hands freed, he'll be finally taking that towel. He whips it off to the side to open it before gingerly letting the towel recede onto Zell's shoulders as he clears his throat. ] They'll be... They're next on my list.
[ He hesitates after that- but it's briefly. Because then he's winding his arms around the young man before him soon after. ]
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AGAIN
but not really cadet come baaaaack ;;no subject
annoying flap flap in the lifestream forever now
all your fault
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The sound makes Zell focus on Zack. Like really focus on him. He’s swallowing down the emotions trying to law their way back up to the surface. He can’t tell how hard it hit Zack, but he can tell it did hit him. And Zell isn’t sure how much of this he will let sink in.
Jim is gone… but he can come back. He will come back. Jim has to come back.
He can feel the weight of the towel settle on his shoulders.] Okay.
[It’s all he can manage to say. Zack has his arms around him, and it takes Zell by surprise for a moment. Soon, he’s putting his arms around the formal member Soldier to give him a hug in return. Zack seems so much older in that moment, even if there wasn’t that big of an age gap between them.]
How are you holding up?
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But for right then, his priority's checking in on Zell. Being there for him. And Tifa. And Kunsel, too. Even if he really doesn't have much comfort to offer. Even if it does nothing to change what they all want most that night. It's... better than nothing right?
That question makes him pause though. He swallows thickly and shrugs a fraction. ]
Been better... You?
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Zell is a SeeD. He should get used to this. Whatever happens, HAPPENS.
He never wants to get used to this, though. And he doesn't want words to make him feel better. He isn't even sure if he deserves to feel better at this point.]
I...[And he'll give a shrug as he shakes his head.] I think I prefer having that frickin' perception illness over this.
[It was freaky as hell, but he didn't feel anything.]
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He has no pretty words to give. No comforting ones like how they'll be alright or even how he wouldn't have wanted them to be like this. Neither are true. All he can do is hum in acknowledgement at first. Then, clearing his throat a bit, he offers hoarsely: ] You and me both there. But would it really change anything?