Characters: Zack, Tifa, Zell, Kunsel, and... Jim? Kind of? Location: House 43 Date: Day 72 Summary: Jim tries to take out a monster and fails miserably. Warnings: Death, violence, grief? You know, Snowhell stuff.
[There is a loud clatter as he drops his stuff down in the middle of the living room and heads straight towards the steps to the basement. He's been to this place before and it clicks in where to go before his brain has any time to process. He's angry, upset, hurt, sad, and frustrated. He should have done something. SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.
Jim is gone. Jim might be gone for good. He might not be able to snow board, laugh, talk about solar surfers or t-boards or anything ever again with Jim. He won't see him smile or do that expression when he's trying to figure something out ever again.
He's going to yell before grabbing the stupid television stand from the floor and hurling it across the room. The he's taking steps over to the wall to punch it. He's going to keep at it until either something feels better or numb.]
[Tifa doesn't know what to do with herself. All she knows is that she need to go somewhere away from the others and cry, or freak out, or... Maybe just sit in a corner for a while. She's blinking back tears, trying to hold it together long enough to leave the room when she hears the crash from downstairs.
She can't deal with this right now. She doesn't think she can put on a brave face and comfort someone else. But she remembers her conversation with Zack after Cloud had died, and her promise to herself that she would be strong for the others, and she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes to steady herself before she follows him.
He's punching the wall. She gets it, really she does, but the last thing any of them need is an injury, especially a broken hand or split open knuckles. So she takes another breath and then crosses the room, hesitating behind him. She does her best to keep her voice somewhat soothing, although she just misses the mark.]
Zell, stop. Please. You're going to hurt yourself.
[Left. Right. And then left again. He doesn’t even hear Tifa as she comes down the stairs or approach behind him. Zell doesn’t feel the wiggling from under his coat from Dumpy being in there.
It wasn’t until he heard his name and the word stop that he does. He’s panting as he leans forward to rest his forehead against the wall.]
Tifa… [He doesn’t want to turn around just yet.] He's gone...
[Her throat closes at those words, and she wraps her arms around herself instinctively at first. Jim's gone. He's gone, just like Hiro and Cloud and Aerith.
She forces those thoughts aside, trying to focus on the fact that Zell needs her right now. She can hear it in his voice, can see it in the way he leans his head against the wall. She steps forward, resting a hand on his shoulder.]
I know.
[She doesn't know what else to say. Nothing will make it better.]
[He swallows hard, and is fighting the terrible feeling inside of his chest.] I could have…
[What could he have done? He could feel her hand on his shoulder.]
Yeah…[He’s going to reach for her hand to give it a squeeze. Letting it go as he turns around. His gaze stays on the floor for a moment before he decides to move forward and wrap his arms around Tifa. Couch will come after this.] He’s…he’s going to come back, right? He has to come back. It’s going to be okay and he’s going to come back, right? [He’s starting to shake.]
[Her voice comes out unsteady, shaky, and she hugs him back tightly. She blinks rapidly, trying to keep it together for him. What should she say? Kunsel had told her Cloud would come back, and he still hasn't. Hiro has stayed dead, too. She doesn't know if there's still a chance, if sometimes it just takes a while, and she's also afraid of giving Zell false hope. But telling him no is too cruel. She can't do that to him, either, so she shakes her head as she strokes the hair at the back of his neck absently.]
[Drawing in a shaky breath as he buries his face into her shoulder. He’s gripping the fabric of her jacket tightly. He knows she doesn’t have the answers. There are no guarantees he will come back ever again. He needs…something. Someone to yell at him or tell him what to do.]
Why did he have to do that? Why was I too far away? Why couldn’t I save him?
[Zell isn’t expecting her to have the answers to these, either. He feels so powerless is this frickin place.] I couldn’t do anything…
[That's good, because once again, she has no idea what to say. Her vision blurs again, and she lets out a shuddering breath, shaking her head.]
It... It isn't your fault.
[Zack was closest, and he couldn't even stop Jim. She doesn't think there's anything any of them could have done, although... There's still that part of her that thinks she should have stuck closer to Jim, maybe noticed something about his mood, or... anything. But she doesn't want Zell to feel that way, so she'll just hold him as long as he needs her to.]
I should have known… [Even if Jim might tend to keep things bottle up… or maybe all his emotions, losing Hiro, the illness, and just everything else went rushing back to him when he saw the monster? Whatever the hell kicked Jim into action…Zell should have known, right?] Maybe I didn’t listen to him?
[Maybe he isn’t a good friend and that’s why Jim didn’t say anything to him? Isn’t? Wasn’t? Isn’t. Jim isn’t going to become a past tense. He remembers Squall saying something about that before. I'm not having anyone talk about me in the past tense!]
[It's something Tifa has been wondering, too. With everything that had happened... It's not surprising that Jim had reacted the way he did, in retrospect. Hadn't she done the same thing when her father had died?]
I don't think... Did... Did he say anything to you?
[Ugh, that makes it sound like she's blaming him, doesn't it? But Jim has never... had never... struck her as the talkative type. At least, not about emotions, or how he was feeling. And despite the underlying sadness that had seemed to be affecting them all lately, there were still plenty of times when Jim had seemed okay. But had she been too wrapped up in her own grief to see that Jim was really struggling?]
[His mind is playing through their latest interactions and Zell slowly shakes his head. He knows things are weird between Jim and Zack. He seems to have like shit after they lost their friend Cloud. The all lost Hiro, too. It's been a shitty week, month, and their entire stay here.]
He...he didn't. [Shoulders slump as he says this.] It's been frickin' shitty here. Should have known something was up with him...
[Sighing as he moves to put his chin on her shoulder.]
["Shitty" is an understatement, Tifa thinks. The past few months have felt like one awful thing after another, both at home and here. But at that last statement, Tifa pulls away, the last of her patience used up.]
Don't say that.
[She's not yelling, but it comes out intense, and much less gentle than she might have made it otherwise.]
[He visibly winces at that. Remembering how Jim reacted to Zell talking about endangering himself.
I've seen enough people dying, too. That's the point. Okay. I won't do anything dumb alone. Good. It's really easy to screw up here, even if you know what you're doing, and end up dead.
Jim was right, but it wasn't Zell who wound up dead.]
I know. I know...
[His voice breaks as he repeats his words.] I just want him back and I...I don't know what to do, Tifa. What should I do? [He can feel his eyes watering up as he searches her face for something]
[ The moment he had entered the house, the world had become a blur of hurried habit. Furniture's stacked and shoved and slammed in front of doors and windows faster and faster until there's nothing else he needs to cover. Until all that's left to hear is the sound of his own heavy breaths. Breaths that quicken, heart pounding on overdrive as he finds himself empty of work but not of emotion. Far from emotions and they hit their peak and hit it fast.
With an unintelligible cry, he kicks the nearest thing to him. The chair scuttles and screeches slightly against the floor but fails to tip over and he glares at it before he goes after it again. He snatches it and this time there's no mistaking the way he wails it against the threshold leading into the dining room. There's a solid crack as one of the legs give before it clatters to the floor.
But it's not enough. It'll never be enough. He's gone. He's dead. Like Tadashi. Like Cloud. Like Hiro, Jim's-
[After checking on Zell, Tifa heads back upstairs, intent on finding some quiet corner of the house to hide in. She's on the verge of tears, and she'd done a decent job of holding them back for Zell, but her nerves are frayed and her emotions are all over the place. She keeps picturing Jim, limp, his legs dangling, and so by the time she reaches the top of the steps, her throat is tight and her vision is blurring.
She heard the commotion, and Zack's shout was impossible to mistake for anything other than misplaced anger, but for a moment, she just can't bring herself to stop him. At least he's not punching a wall. At least he probably won't hurt himself. And honestly, she's not sure she can hold herself together long enough to calm him down, anyway.
And then he goes for the table, and the last of her patience snaps.]
[ Something in the back of his mind hears something, catches onto a feeling that he's not alone anymore. The rest of him pushes that away, pushes forward and grasps onto those raw emotions. Emotions slowly bottled up and suppressed. For their own good. For their own sake. Because he's SOLDIER. Because he can't break. Because they need that. Because he can't give them anymore reason to-
But he did. He saw. He watched. He was right there and he let it happen. All of it. He could have stopped it. He could have said something. If only he'd been- If only he'd said-
But he didn't and now- And now Jim's-!
With a forceful crash, the table lands sideways, scuffed and shaking from the force of the motion. It rattles against the uneven floorboards as he takes in harsh breaths. The sound's aggravating and he takes a step forward, arm winding back. ]
[She gets it. Really, she does. She's lived with Barret long enough to recognize what Zack is doing, but right now she can only focus on how idiotic and dangerous he's being. Without anywhere to focus her own anger and helplessness, she's far past her own breaking point.]
I said stop!
[She reaches out to grab his arm, trying to prevent him from punching... Whatever it was he was aiming at.]
You're being stupid!
[Because he doesn't need to hurt himself over being reckless and irresponsible, not on top of everything else. And she can't really bring herself to be gentle about it when she can't get the image of Jim's body out of her head.]
[ It's that hand on his arm that finally stops him, not that it stops him immediately because first instinct's to twist around and react. But he catches sight of her- a blurry form at this point. And coupled with those words reaching his ears in that last second, he freezes mid-swing one moment. Then pulls back the next. ]
Shut up!
[ The tug's not hard enough to topple in contrast to glassy, mako eyes boring practically through what he can make out to be her with a raw mix of bitterness and something else until he finally blinks his vision clear, numb to the dull feeling of something wet running down his face. He was so close. He was so close and he missed and he screwed up and it's- ]
[Any other time, the tears running down his cheeks might have been enough to soften that blow. Now, though, with everything still so immediate and raw, she flinches visibly, taking a step back. She crosses her arms over her chest, a gesture far more defensive than defiant. Tifa suddenly wants to be anywhere but here, and she takes in a shaky breath, then another, hating the way it almost sounds like a sob.]
Fine, break things! I hope it helps.
[She can't manage to speak, to yell, without her voice breaking pathetically, and it only serves to make her even more upset, enough to tremble.]
[ It's that tremble in her voice that finally gets him to drop his hands from tight fists, to fall to heavy breaths and tight shut eyes for a minute. A minute of an attempt to stop himself. To let himself find some sense of self-control in this. To find that zen he's fixated on for months now despite the everything of what's happened. He hasn't forgotten how terrifying SOLDIERs are seen back on Gaia. He hasn't forgotten the looks he occasionally got while in the system.
But keeping himself in check feels barely possible then. He feels stretched so paper thin. All he can think about is Jim-Jim-that-IDIOT-WHY-DID-HE-DO-THAT-WHY-DIDN'T-I-- ]
I was so damn close, Tifa! He was right there in front of me!! [ 'He's right there! He's... right there'. Zell's voice haunts him in the back of his mind- like it's some sort of sick track on repeat. ]
[She can't deal with this right now. She just doesn't have the energy left for it. She shakes her head, covering her face for a moment before raking a hand through her hair.]
Stop it. Please, just stop.
[She's not sure if she's asking him to stop talking about it altogether or to stop blaming himself, or to stop yelling. Maybe all of them. She just wishes she could keep her voice steady, or stop her hands from shaking.]
[ At first, the pleas seem like they'll go unheard as he continues to glare her way. As he continues fighting uneven breaths and his hand starts up like he's going to start gesturing and yelling again, but no... No, instead it covers his face, clutches to it. Instead, he finds himself fighting away a sob that tries to sneak between. He roughly brushes his eyes dry before running both hands through his hand, gripping it harshly in the end, head ducked.
He moves his lips to say something- anything -but nothing comes out. His eye grow distant again, ugly memories glazed over his vision. ]
[Even through the anger and grief and exhaustion, his reaction hurts her. She wants to reach out and do something, to let him know she doesn't blame him, that it wasn't his fault, but there's a distance between them. She's not sure how to overcome it, even though she wants to try, and she doesn't know how he would react to her if she did. For a moment, she just stands there, rubbing her hands up and down her arms as she stares at the floor. She's not sure how much longer they can keep this up, and honestly... Zack has been trying to keep himself strong the entire time she's been here. Seeing him finally break down is a little scary. A little heartbreaking. And she feels worthless, knowing she's not helping and knowing there's nothing she can do to help.]
Zack...
[She doesn't know where she's going with that. There's nothing, really, to say.]
And maybe that's why after another struggling minute he takes to attempt to wrestle for self-control, he slowly releases his hands from his hair. He doesn't look up at her. Doesn't seem to even acknowledge her presence all of a sudden. Wordlessly, he slips past her like a phantom of himself with something of what might have been a shake to his head. The thud of boots on the stairwell echoes loudly in the silence. ]
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WELL OF COURSE YOU DID
(ﾉಥДಥ)ﾉ︵┻━┻･/
Jim is gone. Jim might be gone for good. He might not be able to snow board, laugh, talk about solar surfers or t-boards or anything ever again with Jim. He won't see him smile or do that expression when he's trying to figure something out ever again.
He's going to yell before grabbing the stupid television stand from the floor and hurling it across the room. The he's taking steps over to the wall to punch it. He's going to keep at it until either something feels better or numb.]
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She can't deal with this right now. She doesn't think she can put on a brave face and comfort someone else. But she remembers her conversation with Zack after Cloud had died, and her promise to herself that she would be strong for the others, and she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes to steady herself before she follows him.
He's punching the wall. She gets it, really she does, but the last thing any of them need is an injury, especially a broken hand or split open knuckles. So she takes another breath and then crosses the room, hesitating behind him. She does her best to keep her voice somewhat soothing, although she just misses the mark.]
Zell, stop. Please. You're going to hurt yourself.
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It wasn’t until he heard his name and the word stop that he does. He’s panting as he leans forward to rest his forehead against the wall.]
Tifa… [He doesn’t want to turn around just yet.] He's gone...
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She forces those thoughts aside, trying to focus on the fact that Zell needs her right now. She can hear it in his voice, can see it in the way he leans his head against the wall. She steps forward, resting a hand on his shoulder.]
I know.
[She doesn't know what else to say. Nothing will make it better.]
Do you... Will you sit down with me?
just minus the tears
[What could he have done? He could feel her hand on his shoulder.]
Yeah…[He’s going to reach for her hand to give it a squeeze. Letting it go as he turns around. His gaze stays on the floor for a moment before he decides to move forward and wrap his arms around Tifa. Couch will come after this.] He’s…he’s going to come back, right? He has to come back. It’s going to be okay and he’s going to come back, right? [He’s starting to shake.]
well I'm sure we'll fix that part soon
[Her voice comes out unsteady, shaky, and she hugs him back tightly. She blinks rapidly, trying to keep it together for him. What should she say? Kunsel had told her Cloud would come back, and he still hasn't. Hiro has stayed dead, too. She doesn't know if there's still a chance, if sometimes it just takes a while, and she's also afraid of giving Zell false hope. But telling him no is too cruel. She can't do that to him, either, so she shakes her head as she strokes the hair at the back of his neck absently.]
I-I don't know. I hope so.
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Why did he have to do that? Why was I too far away? Why couldn’t I save him?
[Zell isn’t expecting her to have the answers to these, either. He feels so powerless is this frickin place.] I couldn’t do anything…
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It... It isn't your fault.
[Zack was closest, and he couldn't even stop Jim. She doesn't think there's anything any of them could have done, although... There's still that part of her that thinks she should have stuck closer to Jim, maybe noticed something about his mood, or... anything. But she doesn't want Zell to feel that way, so she'll just hold him as long as he needs her to.]
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[Maybe he isn’t a good friend and that’s why Jim didn’t say anything to him? Isn’t? Wasn’t? Isn’t. Jim isn’t going to become a past tense. He remembers Squall saying something about that before.
I'm not having anyone talk about me in the past tense!]
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I don't think... Did... Did he say anything to you?
[Ugh, that makes it sound like she's blaming him, doesn't it? But Jim has never... had never... struck her as the talkative type. At least, not about emotions, or how he was feeling. And despite the underlying sadness that had seemed to be affecting them all lately, there were still plenty of times when Jim had seemed okay. But had she been too wrapped up in her own grief to see that Jim was really struggling?]
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He...he didn't. [Shoulders slump as he says this.] It's been frickin' shitty here. Should have known something was up with him...
[Sighing as he moves to put his chin on her shoulder.]
It should have been me.
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Don't say that.
[She's not yelling, but it comes out intense, and much less gentle than she might have made it otherwise.]
Jim wouldn't want you to think that way. Right?
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I've seen enough people dying, too. That's the point.
Okay. I won't do anything dumb alone.
Good. It's really easy to screw up here, even if you know what you're doing, and end up dead.
Jim was right, but it wasn't Zell who wound up dead.]
I know. I know...
[His voice breaks as he repeats his words.] I just want him back and I...I don't know what to do, Tifa. What should I do? [He can feel his eyes watering up as he searches her face for something]
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With an unintelligible cry, he kicks the nearest thing to him. The chair scuttles and screeches slightly against the floor but fails to tip over and he glares at it before he goes after it again. He snatches it and this time there's no mistaking the way he wails it against the threshold leading into the dining room. There's a solid crack as one of the legs give before it clatters to the floor.
But it's not enough. It'll never be enough. He's gone. He's dead. Like Tadashi. Like Cloud. Like Hiro, Jim's-
He beelines for the table next. ]
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She heard the commotion, and Zack's shout was impossible to mistake for anything other than misplaced anger, but for a moment, she just can't bring herself to stop him. At least he's not punching a wall. At least he probably won't hurt himself. And honestly, she's not sure she can hold herself together long enough to calm him down, anyway.
And then he goes for the table, and the last of her patience snaps.]
Zack, stop it!
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But he did. He saw. He watched. He was right there and he let it happen. All of it. He could have stopped it. He could have said something. If only he'd been- If only he'd said-
But he didn't and now- And now Jim's-!
With a forceful crash, the table lands sideways, scuffed and shaking from the force of the motion. It rattles against the uneven floorboards as he takes in harsh breaths. The sound's aggravating and he takes a step forward, arm winding back. ]
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I said stop!
[She reaches out to grab his arm, trying to prevent him from punching... Whatever it was he was aiming at.]
You're being stupid!
[Because he doesn't need to hurt himself over being reckless and irresponsible, not on top of everything else. And she can't really bring herself to be gentle about it when she can't get the image of Jim's body out of her head.]
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Shut up!
[ The tug's not hard enough to topple in contrast to glassy, mako eyes boring practically through what he can make out to be her with a raw mix of bitterness and something else until he finally blinks his vision clear, numb to the dull feeling of something wet running down his face. He was so close. He was so close and he missed and he screwed up and it's- ]
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Fine, break things! I hope it helps.
[She can't manage to speak, to yell, without her voice breaking pathetically, and it only serves to make her even more upset, enough to tremble.]
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But keeping himself in check feels barely possible then. He feels stretched so paper thin. All he can think about is Jim-Jim-that-IDIOT-WHY-DID-HE-DO-THAT-WHY-DIDN'T-I-- ]
I was so damn close, Tifa! He was right there in front of me!! [ 'He's right there! He's... right there'. Zell's voice haunts him in the back of his mind- like it's some sort of sick track on repeat. ]
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Stop it. Please, just stop.
[She's not sure if she's asking him to stop talking about it altogether or to stop blaming himself, or to stop yelling. Maybe all of them. She just wishes she could keep her voice steady, or stop her hands from shaking.]
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He moves his lips to say something- anything -but nothing comes out. His eye grow distant again, ugly memories glazed over his vision. ]
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Zack...
[She doesn't know where she's going with that. There's nothing, really, to say.]
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Well. Nothing that wouldn't make things worse.
And maybe that's why after another struggling minute he takes to attempt to wrestle for self-control, he slowly releases his hands from his hair. He doesn't look up at her. Doesn't seem to even acknowledge her presence all of a sudden. Wordlessly, he slips past her like a phantom of himself with something of what might have been a shake to his head. The thud of boots on the stairwell echoes loudly in the silence. ]