snowblindrpg | [network] @ADMIN; Obituary [Day 054]

[He'd thought, surely, if he cleared the way, she'd come back up north for food, herself, and rejoin them when she felt better. She had survived for so long on her own, she knew how to survive here. They might even meet her on the way to the tunnel entrance!

But no. Clementine, the obituaries said. At some point, maybe even the very day she'd run off, she had died. Was it one of the creatures? Did she not make it to shelter?

If he'd followed her immediately, chased after her, would he have been able to catch her and bring her back? Would she still be alive if he'd allowed himself and, more importantly, Quark, to go without food longer? He'd been entrusted with the care of both of them.]

I'm sorry. If you come back and read this, I'm sorry.

[It was almost easier, when the obituaries turned up full of names he didn't recognize. To say that he could ignore them would be wishful thinking--any names were names of people Clayton never had a chance to get to know, maybe help before they were lost to the cold or the monsters, and knowing that was painful enough.]

[But this is almost unfair. Dio always seemed like a pretty independent guy who could take care of himself; Sealand and Clementine had people looking out for them; Clarke had a friend to keep her focused, Mami seemed shaken by her last revival but still in the company of people that cared for her. Clayton hadn't worried about them. That, more than anything, is what hurts him the most. If only he'd checked up more often, shown more concern, cared more, maybe...]

[...though he's hardly the one that's in a position to grieve, he realizes. He wasn't the one traveling with them. Enoch...poor Enoch. Clayton doesn't even know what happened and he's not sure he cares to find out. All he wants to do is comfort his friend in a time of loss.]

Bud...Enoch, I'm so sorry.

[And there's only so much he can do, at a distance. The condolences don't hold quite the weight Clayton was hoping for, so he finds something else to work with.]

Are you 'n Quark alright?

Edited (whoops) 2015-11-15 03:21 (UTC)

[More than any of the others, more than the usual "if only I hadn't been on the other side of town", he blamed himself for Clem's death. Having so little energy was no excuse in his mind; he'd had low days like that before. Surely that counted for something. Should have counted. He could have gone after her. It's his fault.

He spends too long with only damp breaths to tell Clayton he's still connected to fall back on "we're fine".]

...We will be, I hope.

[But it's even worse than that. He was across town because Clayton trusted him. Trusted him to take care of the children, and now one of them was dead and he could have prevented it. Now that he's said it, with so little faith in it at all, his voice wavers and the tears start to flow.]

Clayton, I'm so sorry. I've let you down here, too, I couldn't keep her safe...you put your faith in me and she trusted me enough to follow, and I-...

Enoch...Enoch, it's alright. It's alright.

[Mindless reassurances, sure, but they're not so much for Enoch's benefit; trying to ease Enoch's grief helps distract Clayton from his own, and means he can think about how to logically work his way out of both their pits of distress. He would never assume it was Enoch's fault, after all. Surely something happened that was out of his control!]

You ain't let none a us down. What happened t' me was my own fault, an'... [He exhales a soft sigh, trying to control his own wavering breaths.] ...mistakes happen. I know you did everything in yer power. I trust you t' do that.

[It had, but that something had been something he believed he should have had control over when he couldn't.

For a long while, he's silent, fighting the shame constricting his chest.]

I couldn't-...she ran off. I...following her felt-...

[He's experienced something like this for hundreds of years and has never been able to put its lower moments into words to someone who hasn't been there to see it...]

...I should have tried harder to find the motivation to act. But I had two choices and no energy to make a decision...and she died for it.

[And Clayton falls silent, too. Couldn't find the motivation to act? That doesn't sound like Enoch at all. If anything, Clayton's had to fight tooth and nail to keep him from not acting, especially when it comes to helping other people, especially when it comes to the kids. Something isn't right.]

[The difficulty is, bringing this up in a way that doesn't make Enoch feel worse about this situation than he already does. Unseen, Clayton anxiously chews on his bottom lip.]

...Enoch. Has, ah...has everything been alright with y'all, lately? How've you been feelin'?

Edited (no repetition pls) 2015-12-05 21:25 (UTC)

For the past two days, I've felt...in a particularly low mood. It's happened to me before, living as I have is exhausting. But that's precisely why I should have been able to do something. I should have, I...

[His voice breaks in a sob again. Some of the things he says, he's already said, but his words are coming out before he can even think about them.]

...couldn't even choose one or the other. Go after Clem, or continue north to feed Quark...but he was...he hardly stirred, something was wrong with him. And I thought of carrying him, but...couldn't carry out that thought either because of my mood. I don't understand why this time, when a child was in danger, I couldn't...

Enoch, Enoch...

[More mindless reassurances--trying to get Enoch's attention before he gets himself too worked up, or more worked up than he is already. He thinks he has an idea of what's going on here. Symptoms of depression are varied and sometimes difficult to pinpoint, and Clayton's hardly a psychiatrist, but he can think of many reasons why Enoch would develop it, and the fact that Quark seemed to be showing signs of the same helps narrow things down.]

...How long've y'all been in the tunnels?

[The question helps more than anything, halts his thought process long enough for him to stop babbling over it. He's silent for a moment except for his quiet sobbing, sniffling back tears and occasionally failing.]

We were there for...for nearly a week?

[But what does that matter? They have so little sunlight as it is, and neither of them is claustrophobic like Clayton. And it's no excuse for him to have been unable to break out of the same kind of mental trap he's been in before, as far as he's concerned. Maybe it wasn't the same as suddenly remembering the weight of his years, but it certainly felt similar enough...]

Long enough, I'll say. Y'all need t' get out fer some fresh air.

[It's the best explanation Clayton can come up with, and the one that offers a solution, so he's stubbornly sticking with it until further notice.]

Got some pills I found a while back...good mood stabilizers. Can't give none t' Quark, but we can try a few on you if yer still feelin' outta sorts. Sound alright?

[He nods instinctively, though Clayton can't see it.] Y-yes... It's worth attempting, I think...

[He blinks blearily at his tablet's bright backlight for a moment, his mind sluggishly turning over the facts in its grief and self-hate.]

"Mood stabilizers"... Is there medicine in the future for everything?

[Clayton chuckles. He hasn't had a chance for humor in a while, so this opportunity, as slight and depressing as it is, still manages to grab him immediately.]

Ah...if only. [sigh] Lucky t' have this much. It'll be alright, Enoch.

[Telling himself as much as he's telling Enoch at this point.]

[network] @ADMIN; Obituary [Day 054]

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