[network] @ASolomons; audio, morning of 265 [open]

[devoutish]

The fuck is going on?

[He sounds exhausted, as per usual, and his voice is hoarse and raw - he's been doing a lot of non-stop talking these past few days, trying to keep Royce engaged.]

Right - the lot of you, sound off. What happened, and what needs to be done?

Comments

private

[jumpthegun]

Enoch, you were just as helpless as them. More-so in parts, maybe. They didn't have their thoughts twisted around to hurt other people. And this isn't a competition. Stop treating it like it is one. This isn't selfish. It's human.

private

[warriorscribe]

[The good part is that speaking no longer feels like an impossible burden. That's about the only good part, because it comes paired with killing his appetite all over again.

Especially the thought that he might be depriving others of the help John is currently giving him, distorted by the lens of the thought he deserves it less.]

Keeping you here, it is. Others might not have anyone to talk to. You must have had friends in there, too.

private

[jumpthegun]

[He's really trying not to be annoyed, but Enoch's making that challenging.]

Enoch.

[The name is sharp, sharper than he means it to be, but maybe it's tough love time since something more conciliatory isn't getting through to him.]

You do not get to decide how I spend my time. You don't have any hold over me. I choose to speak with you. I might choose to speak with other people. That's my prerogative. In this moment? This conversation? It's the two of us. Now get your head out of your arse and accept that this is about what I want to do, not what you're making me do.

Re: private

[warriorscribe]

[Sensitive to harming others, now moreso than ever before, he flinches at the shift in tone. It may not have the desired effect, exactly, but it still prevents that despair from settling comfortably in its roots.]

Sorry, I'm sorry, I hadn't meant-... I-...

[If anything, it makes him think about what it is about him he doesn't want John to have to deal with, instead of "other people might need it more".]

I- feel I'm not worth-... I know it wasn't me, but it still- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[He knows John wants to help him. He has no idea how to make that attempt worthwhile. If it will ever be worthwhile. How does he help John not waste this effort? He knows it's impractical to wish he could just stop feeling the way he does but, paradoxically, feels he's failing in some way for not doing so.

Basically, he's a confused mess.]

private

[jumpthegun]

[John sighs.]

You won't stop feeling this way in this conversation. Maybe not in conversations down the line, either, but I need you to remember that what you're feeling is not a permanent state. You will feel better. In the meanwhile, you need to step up as best you can and try to combat the negative thoughts you're having with something positive, or at least neutral.

"I don't know how to stop feeling this way. But that's all right because I've felt other ways in the past. And I'll be able to feel those ways again. Find a memory in your head of a time when you weren't feeling like this. Try to remember what it was like. What you were doing and how good it felt. Focus on that, center yourself, and then carry on as best you can. Because you know that that? That is within your reach. It can be that way again.

[warriorscribe]

A time when I...

[When does he feel at his best? Here, it's...usually when he's talking to Beckett, actually. Some of the moments he feels like his existence here is more than just clinging to survival. Fulfilling, in a way that brings the world into focus again.

He goes quiet. Is Beckett still his friend, after all of that? He needs to find out. It won't happen right away, of course. After he hangs up, it will take him several false starts of crying bouts and abject despair, but he will at least get himself moving again.]

...I think I know what I need to do. Thank you.

[jumpthegun]

You're welcome, and good luck, Enoch. I'll be here if you need to talk again. And please do not hesitate to call me. You won't be bothering me.