network @nvcr; day 134; evening; open

[staytunednext]

Well now, Listeners. Well.

[Cecil is not the radio host of this community. But he is a radio host, and this is a community, and they have been thrown together through inescapable circumstances for the time being. He cannot resist the urge to report. His voice is low and smooth, almost crooning.]

Wasn't that a fun few days? Such a lot has happened since I last reported to you; in fact, everything has happened since I last reported to you because I have never reported to you before. Not properly. Where to start, Listeners? I suppose with the team building exercises that we recently took part in. I have never been on one of the teams randomly selected to undergo a series of tests in darkness and terror, all panted breaths and the looming certainty of death a constant presence, in order to save the lives of others held hostage. Not by men with guns, not this time, but by their own bodies. And I have to say that it was a singularly wonderful experience.

No, not wonderful. Petrifying.

I am happy to relate to you, Listeners, that I was one of those lucky enough to survive. I was able to burst forth from the darkness of those underground mazes into the darkness of my own existentially insignificant life, safe in the knowledge that I was alive. A certainty cemented each passing second by the painful thudding of my working, wet, real heart.

What did we learn from this experience? What purpose was given for our loss of blood, our loss of limb, our loss of innocence? I know what I learned, Listeners, but what did you learn? Think on it carefully over the coming days, ponder it until you have managed to trick yourself into believing there was a reason or rhyme behind your suffering. And when you have found that reason, whisper it to the Admin. She seems lonely and could probably use a few friends. But, I mean, when you take on a busy corporate role such as administration, isn't that what always happens? I'm sure we've all seen it time and time again. Slow down, Helen, we say to our collective friend as she pursues her new career. Leave work at home for once, spend some time with your family. But she does not listen. And slowly everybody that cared about her begin to drift away. Her sense of individuality begins to drift away. Her very body begins to drift away. Until she is nothing but loneliness and tentacles and a minimum wage salary. Until even that fades away.

Until she is nothing.

[He pauses, a few beats of silence. His voice, which had darkened ominously on that final sentence, lightens again. Bright and cheery as if a switch has been flipped.]

And now for a Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Kids, can anomalies hurt you? [A slight pause. A chuckle.] Yes. Yes, they can.

This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

[He pauses. He pauses a second time. Two distinct pauses that simply run on from one another.]

Ah-- aha. This is a little bit embarrassing, Listeners, but I don't have a weather report for you today. I don't have any traffic announcements for you today. I don't have any officially mandated government orders for you today. I hope you will all forgive me for this. It's not very professional, but then... here, I am not professional, am I? Nobody is paying me to sit at my tablet, which is a poor excuse for a sound booth and microphone, and speak to you all. Nobody has. But, if anyone out there listening works for this particular vague yet menacing government agency, then please give me a call!

Because what is a community without a radio host to hold it together? That is not a question that I, for one, would like to know the answer to.

Let me leave you with a Public Service Announcement about safety in this snowy little corner of reality that we all currently call our own. Clothes. Clothes are supposed to keep you warm, their comforting layers swathing your bodies in a protective cocoon against the elements. But our clothes here are not keeping us warm. We are all so very cold. So, dear Listeners, why don't you burn an item of your clothing? Burn it in front of the other ones so that they understand that you're not messing around any longer and that they should really think about doing their jobs a bit better. And if that doesn't work, then burn the rest of them. What good were they doing you anyway? You'll at least get a nice fire out of it, right?

So, Listeners, as we all go into the darkening night. Some of us missing our friends, some of us missing our limbs, some of us missing our very lives; let me wish you all, from the bottom of my heart, a good night.

Comments

@fuckyou; audio;

[blueteamproblems]

What the fuck is wrong with you?!

[staytunednext]

Is that question literal or hypothetical?

[Be more specific, please.]

[blueteamproblems]

Both.

[You're not the boss of me!!]

@jwatson; voice

[jumpthegun]

[Okay. He was just going to pass this by as a very bizarre person talking, but that last part?]

Do not burn your clothes. Sir, I don't know where you're from that you think clothes are sentient and can just change how much warmth they can keep in, but it's not here.

[staytunednext]

I know I'm not from here.

[He's not an idiot, Watson.]

Clothes are not usually sentient where I'm from either, but you never know! It's a little close-minded and ignorant to think that they couldn't be sentient.

[jumpthegun]

[Really? Because John's getting that impression. Distinctly.]

No. It's common sense. You're asking people to sacrifice something that could save them dying or losing their extremities on an off-chance. Please don't do that. You're going to end up hurting more people than you're helping. If you're going to do that, try 'drowning' your clothes first. It'll do to give them a wash and you'll still have whatever it is at the end once you wring it out and let it dry.

@duster, audio;

[bywolves]

It's amazing how logical you made a stupid idea like burning your clothes sound.

[staytunednext]

If it sounds logical, then how are you so certain that it is not logical?

[bywolves]

Because once you burn all of your clothes, you'll be naked. And frozen. And then dead.

@TW; text

[maskintape]

oh sweet baby jesus

[staytunednext]

Hello, Mr. President.

[He sounds amused, like he's laughing at his own inside joke.]

@milkevoli; voice

[brokethefirst]

W-why in the world would you tell people to burn their clothing? That's too dangerous...!

[staytunednext]

Do you think I should have specified that they take their clothes off first? I don't condone setting fire to yourself.

Though that would be warm.

@dissect | audio

[circumsutus]

Would you be willing to lead by example?

[staytunednext]

I'm not a leader, I'm a radio host.

@guardian; voice

[phaseshifter]

I can provide a weather report! The current forecast indicates snow, followed by more snow. Possibly with more snow on the horizon.

[staytunednext]

Um, excuse me. I'm no meteorologist, but that is hardly a weather report.

What even is that?

Audio | @Rdua

[blessedmaiden]

Really? That's unnecessarily dark and depressing- also, if you have so many clothes you can burn some of them feel free to give me the ones you don't want- I would love to offer them a new home.

[staytunednext]

Hello again, Rydia, it's nice to hear from you.

[Warm and welcoming, like an open fire.]

How have you been since our team was summarily disbanded following a successful exercise?

@kingdomkey ; audio

[seekthelight]

Why..would we want to burn our clothes, though? Then we'd freeze...

[staytunednext]

Are you certain? Have you tried it?

@makeme; audio

[coyoteking]

Good to know the admin didn't discriminate against those crazy dudes who stand on street corners yelling about the government when choosing who to kidnap. If you do that outside my windows in the morning it'll start to feel just like home.

[staytunednext]

If there was a proper radio tower here then I wouldn't need to shout outside of windows, or croon to you down these open and insecure tablets. I could let my voice fly sonorously to your ears through the magic of radio.

It's such a shame that there isn't a radio station here, don't you think? What sort of town doesn't have any broadcasting?

@determination, voice

[despiteeverything]

Anomalies can hurt you but if we figure out how to talk to them maybe they won't have to.

[Here we go again. Guess whose stance on this matter has barely shifted an iota since the last time you talked, Cecil?]

[staytunednext]

Hello, my young friend. It's been a long time since you told me that before, have you tested your theories since? Did you speak to the anomalies? Did they feast on your soft meats?